Dear 2014!Wen,
So I looked back at last year's note and well, it's a bit hard to tell whether you did better this year than you did last year. Maybe your goals ended up not so great, but that's okay. You took it easier this year, and you're glad that you did. It brought less stress to your life, and you're happy with yourself. You are.
2014 will be super stressful for you. Try not to push yourself to live up to the expectations that everyone might have for you because you can't please everyone. Just do what you can for yourself. I hope you're doing well though. But if not, it's alright; it's not your fault. I hope you don't care what people think now. You're getting more comfortable with who you are. Don't lose that. I wonder how you survived the year. How did you pull off that portfolio? Teaching those kids? Are you really going to be certified? Did you manage to find a job? I don't doubt that you managed to pull it all off. I hope you are more mature, calm, critical.
Is your dream still the same? Time is precious and you won't have as much time to work on it, but I hope you haven't given up. Think about what you've promised yourself. Finish Metro, finish RTN. Put something out there, even if you have to pay for it yourself. This is what you've been doing since you were young. It's real, from your heart. Do more things for yourself, and stop expecting the worst!
Are you saving up? At the end of the year like this, are you going to visit your family again? I hope so. You miss traveling. You miss your family. You want to meet K and L and A, too. You want to see those that had such influence on your life for so long. Try to get closer to where you want to be. Learn to drive, PLEASE. PLEASE DO IT THIS YEAR. I hope you are; or I'll be upset at you for being so pitiful.
People are annoying. Friends have come and gone because you can't seem to forgive them for their mistakes. Your forgiveness has a long way to go. Don't push yourself to be nice. Do your calling out with love behind it. Remember to give people second chances. You're not perfect either. Don't forget to keep reaching out to L and T; they are so, so precious to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help either, because it's alright for you to not feel okay. Don't wait for people because you're afraid and you put on a front around them. It's okay to open up to new people too! Though you don't know them too well yet, making the first move brought you ABC and they're already special to you.
By this time next year, hopefully you'll have been with O for over a year. How is he doing? Did he successfully complete his thesis? I hope that you did what you could to be there for him, because he'll be there for you when you need it. I hope everything is going well with you two, that you stayed together and dealt with the tough times; doubtless there will be thousands of them. (I know myself, after all.) Even if you're not still together (though I do hope you are, and are making it last), that's just fine. You will be beautiful to who else comes along into your life, too.
A lot of things weren't possible for you before this year. Remember that. Though it'll be a long journey with lots of mistakes every year, it'll be worth it. You'll be proud of yourself for being able to surpass things that you couldn't before. You survived all the bad things from the past, and I hope you spent 2014 with all the good things that you brought into the year with you.
I hope 2014 is bright and productive. I hope you are able to stay healthy, hopeful, positive, determined. I hope that you make the best of 2014. I hope that you are able to go for what you want, regardless of your fears. I hope you are able to get a handle of your life and go with what comes at you.
You will be happy in 2014, because you have really amazing friends and they will love you and support you, no matter how far away from them you may be. You have inner fears, but you can't go around fearing that you're doing everything wrong. You will be fine. Act, but act wisely. I hope that as you're reading this, you feel like you've got good things coming for you.
Love, 2013!Wen.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Sunday, 29 December 2013
freeze like this like that so that this moment will last forever
It's hard to think about depressing things like the fact that it's hard to stay in touch when you don't have a lot in common with your friends anymore, all too busy with your own lives. We learned to manage our lives without each other, and survived. Perhaps it's not the path we'd have chosen if we'd known what we do now, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the people who are necessary to me now won't be later. I can accept fading connections, but I hope that my affection will never fade. I hope the love I have for them will be enough to keep us close.
It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.
Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.
You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.
It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.
Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.
You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.
Monday, 23 December 2013
21 love letters
♡ 01
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.
♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.
♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.
♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.
♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.
♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.
♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.
♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.
♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.
♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.
♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.
♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.
♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.
♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.
♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.
♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.
♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?
♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.
♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.
♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.
♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.
♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.
♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.
♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.
♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.
♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.
♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.
♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.
♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.
♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.
♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.
♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.
♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.
♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.
♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.
♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.
♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?
♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.
♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.
♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.
♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
time spent walking through memories
Since H can't make it to my birthday celebration, he took me out for sushi train last night, after which we walked to Gelato Messina for ice cream. It's been a few months since we last went out somewhere and we're not really the type to be in contact via the internet so there were more than enough things to talk about. I'm fairly certain that I spent more time complaining about things in my life than anything else, although H doesn't ever really have any advice to give. Anyway, if he minds, he's never made it obvious.
He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.
Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.
He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.
Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.
Friday, 20 December 2013
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
forays into the great outdoors
Today T and I went on an adventure into nature. Despite the claims of 26 degree weather, the morning started off pretty cool. It did warm up later though, which was great. The trip to the park was pretty uneventful, apart from us ending up having to ask directions, and complaining about the amount of walking that we had to do to get there. If we didn't already know we were unfit, then that walk just proved it to us.
Once we got there, we proceeded on what was apparently a 3k, 1.5 hour walk. Maybe it's 1.5 hours if you exercise on a regular basis, but we managed to walk for about five minutes before stumbling to a stop for a break. Which, of course, became a regular occurrence throughout the rest of the walk. Still, we made it through, and then settled down at one of the tables for the picnic that we'd prepared to have. T brought popcorn, nectarines and sandwiches while I brought an array of other snacks. We got about halfway through lunch before we were ever so rudely interrupted by a bird flying right across the middle of our table, literally centimetres away from my face. Despite our valiant attempts to ignore it, it just kept interrupting us by flying close but then banking away at the last moment. Plus it kept eyeing us off. Ugh, birds. Then, of course, just as we'd almost finished packing up to relocate elsewhere it swooped over, snatched up a bit of the corn thin that I'd been snacking on and then landed on the wall. I abandoned the corn thin and as we walked away, the bird flew back to the table and continued eating. Clearly, this was not the first time it'd done so. BIRDS ARE THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL.
We ended up relocating to the playground and pretty much just continued snacking and lazing around in the sun and being side-eyed by other people for another hour or so before leaving. If you discount the bird thing and the walking, it was a pretty good day. Definitely I wouldn't do the walking part again, laughs. Not unless I actually took up some form of exercise between now and the next time that I'd be going there.
Once we got there, we proceeded on what was apparently a 3k, 1.5 hour walk. Maybe it's 1.5 hours if you exercise on a regular basis, but we managed to walk for about five minutes before stumbling to a stop for a break. Which, of course, became a regular occurrence throughout the rest of the walk. Still, we made it through, and then settled down at one of the tables for the picnic that we'd prepared to have. T brought popcorn, nectarines and sandwiches while I brought an array of other snacks. We got about halfway through lunch before we were ever so rudely interrupted by a bird flying right across the middle of our table, literally centimetres away from my face. Despite our valiant attempts to ignore it, it just kept interrupting us by flying close but then banking away at the last moment. Plus it kept eyeing us off. Ugh, birds. Then, of course, just as we'd almost finished packing up to relocate elsewhere it swooped over, snatched up a bit of the corn thin that I'd been snacking on and then landed on the wall. I abandoned the corn thin and as we walked away, the bird flew back to the table and continued eating. Clearly, this was not the first time it'd done so. BIRDS ARE THE SPAWN OF THE DEVIL.
We ended up relocating to the playground and pretty much just continued snacking and lazing around in the sun and being side-eyed by other people for another hour or so before leaving. If you discount the bird thing and the walking, it was a pretty good day. Definitely I wouldn't do the walking part again, laughs. Not unless I actually took up some form of exercise between now and the next time that I'd be going there.
Monday, 16 December 2013
and the cracks began to show
I've been sadly unexcited about a lot of things this year. Top of the list of things that I'm unenthused about would be Christmas. I have hardly listened to my Christmas playlist at all. Possibly this has to do with the fact that I've been feeling not so great this past week - even bordering on unhappiness, I suppose - which is hard to get over when you are so distanced from the people that make you feel better, in whatever little ways those may be.
Sometimes I think I need to sleep more, but I also think that I sleep too much. I used to be better than this, I feel. Better at pushing through, better at forcing things out of mind, better at dealing with life. I suspect I am a lot of things that I did not used to (want to) be. I'm not sure when, but somewhere along the way, I've been sapped of joy, creativity, energy, etc.
(Why am I so afraid?)
Sometimes I think I need to sleep more, but I also think that I sleep too much. I used to be better than this, I feel. Better at pushing through, better at forcing things out of mind, better at dealing with life. I suspect I am a lot of things that I did not used to (want to) be. I'm not sure when, but somewhere along the way, I've been sapped of joy, creativity, energy, etc.
(Why am I so afraid?)
Sunday, 15 December 2013
the years chase me and accelerate
My sister came home the other day to have dinner, catch up with us all, talk a little bit more about birthday plans. She asked me what I wanted her to get me, which was a little odd because she's never asked this question before. In the past, she's always chosen gifts that I can appreciate. I suppose it's harder this year, when she's been away so often and we've grown apart in so many ways. It will always be easy to fall back into those patterns together though.
I've always considered myself an easy person to buy for, when people have bothered. Perhaps it helps that I do believe in the thought counting. Unless your birthday gift happens to be Christmas themed. Then you're just going on my shitlist. Still, this year I've gotten closer to people that I wouldn't have thought myself to be really friends with before, which made me realise that perhaps it would be a good idea to make a sort of wishlist.
1. Books! I love reading. I'm not an e-book person, though I will succumb to it for the convenience. There's not a lot that's better than opening a new book and just breathing it in, having the covers, the pages underneath your fingertips.
Books I'm after in particular include: Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy (preferably without anything relating to the upcoming movie on the cover of Divergent). Melissa Marr's Wicked Lovely series. D.J MacHale's The Pendragon Adventure series and Morpheus Road series. Alexandra Bracken's The Darkest Minds series would be great too, even though the third book isn't slated to be released until next year. A copy of Ela's Gravity (if she still has some printed) would also be super fabulous.
2. Perfume. Specifically, Thierry Mugler's Angel and Yves Saint Laurent's Paris. I received these as samples long ago and liked them both, but somehow never got around to purchasing them for myself.
3. Shoesssss. Wedges, in particular, though I always want new shoes. My parents always tell me I have too many pairs of shoes, but the problem is that most of mine are not suited towards casual everyday wear.
4. Anything from Snack Heroes ! Except the ice cream maker. We already have one. Not that we use it that often since there's never room in the freezer.
5. Jewelry. I like rings. A lot. A nice watch wouldn't go amiss either.
6. Tickets to Wicked, The Musical next year. Or tickets for The Visitors or In The Kingdom of Cha by MTC. I miss going to see plays and these two look super interesting.
7. New flavours of tea. Fruit teas will probably always be my love but I've recently acquired a taste for nutty flavoured tea.
Hmm, I can't think of anything else at the moment, though I'm sure there's more that I would love to receive. I'd be pretty well pleased with just about anything since normally I don't really get anything at all.
I've always considered myself an easy person to buy for, when people have bothered. Perhaps it helps that I do believe in the thought counting. Unless your birthday gift happens to be Christmas themed. Then you're just going on my shitlist. Still, this year I've gotten closer to people that I wouldn't have thought myself to be really friends with before, which made me realise that perhaps it would be a good idea to make a sort of wishlist.
1. Books! I love reading. I'm not an e-book person, though I will succumb to it for the convenience. There's not a lot that's better than opening a new book and just breathing it in, having the covers, the pages underneath your fingertips.
Books I'm after in particular include: Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy (preferably without anything relating to the upcoming movie on the cover of Divergent). Melissa Marr's Wicked Lovely series. D.J MacHale's The Pendragon Adventure series and Morpheus Road series. Alexandra Bracken's The Darkest Minds series would be great too, even though the third book isn't slated to be released until next year. A copy of Ela's Gravity (if she still has some printed) would also be super fabulous.
2. Perfume. Specifically, Thierry Mugler's Angel and Yves Saint Laurent's Paris. I received these as samples long ago and liked them both, but somehow never got around to purchasing them for myself.
3. Shoesssss. Wedges, in particular, though I always want new shoes. My parents always tell me I have too many pairs of shoes, but the problem is that most of mine are not suited towards casual everyday wear.
4. Anything from Snack Heroes ! Except the ice cream maker. We already have one. Not that we use it that often since there's never room in the freezer.
5. Jewelry. I like rings. A lot. A nice watch wouldn't go amiss either.
6. Tickets to Wicked, The Musical next year. Or tickets for The Visitors or In The Kingdom of Cha by MTC. I miss going to see plays and these two look super interesting.
7. New flavours of tea. Fruit teas will probably always be my love but I've recently acquired a taste for nutty flavoured tea.
Hmm, I can't think of anything else at the moment, though I'm sure there's more that I would love to receive. I'd be pretty well pleased with just about anything since normally I don't really get anything at all.
Friday, 13 December 2013
[x] writings; three
he breaks her heart when they're eight. he doesn't do it on purpose, but it happens all the same. his little boy hands aren't enough when she asks him to hold on to her heart for her. he doesn't do it on purpose. her heart slips and falls through his fingers and her eyes go wide. she scrambles to catch it, but gets tangled up in all her feathers. the air shudders with the impact of a silent boom of thunder, and then everything cracks. when she collects herself enough to look, her heart lies broken on the floor. he babbles apologies, but she just smiles, small and detached, and tells him it's not his fault. she kneels down and carefully picks up the broken pieces of her heart. she tries as best as she can to mend it, but nothing works.
in the end, she's left with two halves of a beating heart that she doesn't know what to do with.
--
he thinks about splashing, smearing, clogging up dirty alley walls with vivid, sharp paint. he thinks about swirling leaves and gang leader faces, petty, childish flirtations, and deeper, lasting, bonding friendships. he thinks about fires and ambulances, newspapers and life support; breaking, crying over his girl looking fragile and drowning in white cotton and hearing that she might make it. she might. he thinks about how he clung to that hope that she'd survive, and hearing that a clumsy doctor tripped the cord.
he thinks about suffocating funerals and dying in the dirt, and future promises that changed from i will to we will that broke.
--
her hair is this impossible shade of red. it's this shaded, jaded, glorious amaranth that makes him want to rip the petals out of the flowers that she's carrying. it's a colour that is so achingly familiar that, for a moment, he forgets how to breathe. it's morbidly fascinating, watching this girl frisk along in dark ribbons and lace and silk that she has no right to be wearing. the leaves flutter up around her as she totters down the sidewalk, kicking at the piles. her feet aren't broken in for these clunky heels and he locks his eyes on her ankles, brittle and wobbling and threatening to snap and collapse under her. he can't look her in the eyes, because her eyes are just as wide and just as artificial candy blue as he remembers, but the difference is that the last time he remembers seeing her, her eyes had learned how to hold back the burn of tears. these eyes look like they're always crying.
do you remember? he wants to ask but doesn't because if he does, she'll look at him and ask, who are you?
in the end, she's left with two halves of a beating heart that she doesn't know what to do with.
--
he thinks about splashing, smearing, clogging up dirty alley walls with vivid, sharp paint. he thinks about swirling leaves and gang leader faces, petty, childish flirtations, and deeper, lasting, bonding friendships. he thinks about fires and ambulances, newspapers and life support; breaking, crying over his girl looking fragile and drowning in white cotton and hearing that she might make it. she might. he thinks about how he clung to that hope that she'd survive, and hearing that a clumsy doctor tripped the cord.
he thinks about suffocating funerals and dying in the dirt, and future promises that changed from i will to we will that broke.
--
her hair is this impossible shade of red. it's this shaded, jaded, glorious amaranth that makes him want to rip the petals out of the flowers that she's carrying. it's a colour that is so achingly familiar that, for a moment, he forgets how to breathe. it's morbidly fascinating, watching this girl frisk along in dark ribbons and lace and silk that she has no right to be wearing. the leaves flutter up around her as she totters down the sidewalk, kicking at the piles. her feet aren't broken in for these clunky heels and he locks his eyes on her ankles, brittle and wobbling and threatening to snap and collapse under her. he can't look her in the eyes, because her eyes are just as wide and just as artificial candy blue as he remembers, but the difference is that the last time he remembers seeing her, her eyes had learned how to hold back the burn of tears. these eyes look like they're always crying.
do you remember? he wants to ask but doesn't because if he does, she'll look at him and ask, who are you?
Saturday, 7 December 2013
we're multiplying, there might be one here
Tonight I went to see 俺俺 at ACMI for the Japanese Film Festival. I've been looking forward to this movie ever since it was first announced because really, what could be better than a movie with Kame playing 33 characters? (A movie with Jin playing all the characters, tbh. Is my bias showing?) Even without the allure of seeing Kame onscreen, the plot itself is delicious. It's not a movie that I could watch regularly, but I'd still definitely put it on my favourites list. T and the older couple sitting beside her cracked up at me though for freaking out before the movie had properly started :( I'm sorry I have a lot of feelings. Subs for the movie are already out online, but mostly I wanted to go for the Q&A session that was hosted with the director afterwards.
It was actually a little awkward (which I expected, because of the disconnect between translations, but also because interviews are almost always a bit awkward) but most of the questions that were asked were great. (Except for that one woman who had a comment and a question and was talking for literally like 5 minutes. I wanted to punch because she would not shut up and I'm not even sure her comment made complete sense because that's what happens when you say things on the fly, ugh.) Satoshi Miki was really nice about it all though, and his answers were all really interesting to hear. I managed to get down most of the Q&A; at some point I'll probably transcribe that for KTL or KTWW or something. He was super nice afterwards too, hanging around outside the cinema to take photos and shake hands and sign autographs :(
I also managed to make new JE friends! Mostly because they were hanging around afterwards too and talking about things and I sort of slyly inserted myself into their conversation, haha. I think B and I will get along great. C and A seem really nice and fun too, as well as the rest of the group whose names I didn't manage to catch. We hung around outside ACMI for a while just talking and flailing about things, and eventually got told off by other people who were standing around in Fed Sq for being too loud. (What else is new though?) We swapped u/ns, and have tentative plans for karaoke in a few weeks, so I think we're going to be, well, pretty good friends. They all headed back to Flinders while A and I walked down Swanston since A lives on LaTrobe and I was meeting my sister at Rooftop in Curtin House since it was her actual birthday.
I ended up walking all seven flights of stairs because there was a group of people lingering outside the lift and I don't have the patience for that. It was probably good for me, anyway, considering that T and I lived the fat life today. It took me a while to work out where my sister and her friends were, I am not good at recognising people from the back, and even less so when it is dark, but I found them in the end. I don't really know many of her friends well plus I was pretty tired from being out most of the day, but I talked to D, M, and A for a while. Right before I left I ended up spotting L, who I haven't seen in months! This was pretty much the last place that I expected to run into her. So I chatted to her for a bit before I left and collapsed at home, about life and her plans and her scooter accident and shitty internet. We'll make proper plans for a real catch up, probably with the whole group, some time soon so that'll be the best.
Tomorrow I'm checking out the RDH function room for my joint birthday with my younger sister, and then on Sunday O is coming to stay over before he leaves me (again) for other, sunnier places, so the next few days will be fun too, at least.
It was actually a little awkward (which I expected, because of the disconnect between translations, but also because interviews are almost always a bit awkward) but most of the questions that were asked were great. (Except for that one woman who had a comment and a question and was talking for literally like 5 minutes. I wanted to punch because she would not shut up and I'm not even sure her comment made complete sense because that's what happens when you say things on the fly, ugh.) Satoshi Miki was really nice about it all though, and his answers were all really interesting to hear. I managed to get down most of the Q&A; at some point I'll probably transcribe that for KTL or KTWW or something. He was super nice afterwards too, hanging around outside the cinema to take photos and shake hands and sign autographs :(
I also managed to make new JE friends! Mostly because they were hanging around afterwards too and talking about things and I sort of slyly inserted myself into their conversation, haha. I think B and I will get along great. C and A seem really nice and fun too, as well as the rest of the group whose names I didn't manage to catch. We hung around outside ACMI for a while just talking and flailing about things, and eventually got told off by other people who were standing around in Fed Sq for being too loud. (What else is new though?) We swapped u/ns, and have tentative plans for karaoke in a few weeks, so I think we're going to be, well, pretty good friends. They all headed back to Flinders while A and I walked down Swanston since A lives on LaTrobe and I was meeting my sister at Rooftop in Curtin House since it was her actual birthday.
I ended up walking all seven flights of stairs because there was a group of people lingering outside the lift and I don't have the patience for that. It was probably good for me, anyway, considering that T and I lived the fat life today. It took me a while to work out where my sister and her friends were, I am not good at recognising people from the back, and even less so when it is dark, but I found them in the end. I don't really know many of her friends well plus I was pretty tired from being out most of the day, but I talked to D, M, and A for a while. Right before I left I ended up spotting L, who I haven't seen in months! This was pretty much the last place that I expected to run into her. So I chatted to her for a bit before I left and collapsed at home, about life and her plans and her scooter accident and shitty internet. We'll make proper plans for a real catch up, probably with the whole group, some time soon so that'll be the best.
Tomorrow I'm checking out the RDH function room for my joint birthday with my younger sister, and then on Sunday O is coming to stay over before he leaves me (again) for other, sunnier places, so the next few days will be fun too, at least.
Thursday, 5 December 2013
light it up
Semi-short post just to say that today I saw O for the first time in roughly a week and a half, yay. I brought Toblerone cheesecake as a semi-belated gift-thing since yesterday was his birthday, and then we just sat around for a few hours. (What do normal people do? Whenever I go anywhere with anyone all I ever do is just sit around because I'm a lazy fuck.)
I also had dinner at Laksa King as an early celebration for my older sister's birthday. We were late for our booking, not to mention my parents were late, which caused the head waiter to glare at us for a bit. Whatever. Dinner ended up being a shorter affair than usual, which was in part due to the fact that there's always a line waiting and also in part because there was a bit of a wait in between the arrival of all the dishes that we ordered. (Beef rendang, sweet and sour pork, gado gado, Ipoh fried noodles, Laksa King fried rice, plus coconut rice.) We still ended up ordering too much though, and ended up taking the remainders home to my brother, who couldn't make it since he was working overtime.
After that, we drove back to D's house. Mostly we investigated their house, since it's been a good like, 6 months at least since we last saw it. Their fish are super creepy though, but they've decorated pretty well. I guess it's pretty safe to say that my sister's officially moved in there (even though all her mail still comes here) since all her things are everywhere, cluttering up space. We also had birthday cake. The cake was actually super cute and tasty, even though it was quite small.
I also had dinner at Laksa King as an early celebration for my older sister's birthday. We were late for our booking, not to mention my parents were late, which caused the head waiter to glare at us for a bit. Whatever. Dinner ended up being a shorter affair than usual, which was in part due to the fact that there's always a line waiting and also in part because there was a bit of a wait in between the arrival of all the dishes that we ordered. (Beef rendang, sweet and sour pork, gado gado, Ipoh fried noodles, Laksa King fried rice, plus coconut rice.) We still ended up ordering too much though, and ended up taking the remainders home to my brother, who couldn't make it since he was working overtime.
After that, we drove back to D's house. Mostly we investigated their house, since it's been a good like, 6 months at least since we last saw it. Their fish are super creepy though, but they've decorated pretty well. I guess it's pretty safe to say that my sister's officially moved in there (even though all her mail still comes here) since all her things are everywhere, cluttering up space. We also had birthday cake. The cake was actually super cute and tasty, even though it was quite small.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
what's cooler than being cool
Since T leaves in almost exactly a month, I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible. She's one of the few people that I genuinely like seeing and talking to on a regular basis so next year's going to be pretty hard, considering the time difference and how exhausted she'll be from working all the time. I think the distance will most likely change some things, but I have confidence that we'll make it through without any serious problems. We are, after all, fated to be friends in a multitude of ways.
We met up in the city around lunch time yesterday to have a cafe date. We ended up with a platter to share and individual drinks (milk for T and dark for me), which looked absolutely amazing. I think out of the entire platter, the only thing that we were less than impressed with was the cake. It was incredibly dense and while the topping was great, the cake itself paled in comparison to everything else on the platter. We were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half, though we definitely should have dragged it out for longer considering how hot it was outside. It was pretty funny because our table looked a thousand times more romantic than the tables of the legitimate couples that were in there.
After that we headed over to Boost so T could grab a watermelon crush, and then we wandered over to JB Hi-Fi so that I could make a vague attempt at finding an OST for L's birthday since she collects like a crazy person who has too much money to spare. I'm not entirely sure why it is exactly that every time I go out somewhere with T, we end up sitting on the floor. It was actually a little bit awkward because every time a store assistant would walk into the aisle we'd hurriedly make it seem as if we were looking at DVD titles on the shelves. I have to say though that we did find some pretty great things lingering in the boxes under the shelves. At some point I'll have to go back to get those. We also checked out Cotton On Body and Daiso for a while before heading down to meet her mother after work so we could get a lift from the station to T's house.
The trip was pretty non-eventful, apart from the idiot who was playing his music through his phone speakers loud enough for basically the entire carriage to hear it. T's mum decided to take a walk after we reached the house, so T and I changed our clothes and sort of just lounged around various parts of the house until she got back and we decided to have our pasta and meatballs for dinner. Post-dinner we rolled back into T's room, just talking and then looking up easy recipes for baking. I was super tired and so I napped for about an hour while she did laptop/internet things before getting up for baking.
We'd decided on vanilla cupcakes with frosting, except the recipe made 24 cupcakes and considering T's mum is on a Lite n Easy diet so we decided to half it. Which caused a bit of confusion when we tried to figure out half of thirds. But we got there in the end and I got to watch while T wrestled out, and with, the Kenwood kitchen aid they'd bought for her mum's 50th a few weeks back. Making the cupcakes themselves went fine, and we ended up putting some chocolate and macarons into the middle of half of them; the real problem started when we started trying to make the frosting because it turned out that T didn't have any icing sugar left in the house. Utilising the wonders of technology, we Googled a substitute recipe and were informed by the internet that we could just blend normal, granulated sugar down and use that instead. So we did. And it did not go so well. The frosting recipe called for a stupid amount of sugar, to begin with, and then we couldn't blend the sugar down fine enough, and then we may have added too much liquid. It's also possible that the oils from the butter began to separate as well. Eventually we tried fixing it like we did the last time that we messed up frosting - by melting it down, except that didn't work either because as soon as we took it off the stove the sugar started granulating again. In the end we just ditched it all down the sink. All up, baking and cleaning up took a ridiculous 3 hours. Never trust the preparation/cooking times on recipes - they're never right.
We Youtubed a bit, rolled around in bed and talked before finally falling asleep around 2.30-3-ish. Originally, we set the alarm for about 9am; in reality, we ended up getting up around 11. I showered while T had breakfast, and then we swapped over. It's funny how I've stayed at S's house a lot more than I've stayed at T's, yet T's house is where I feel a thousand times more at home. I packed up all my things, including my Christmas gift from T (a hilarious cross-stitch) and we headed over to uni for AXPP. Not that I particularly care about Pokemon - I just wanted to see/touch a few people and eat free food. I am all about free things, don't you know?
90% of the people there were people that I either didn't know or didn't really like, and those I did like were pretty occupied with Pokemon (obviously) or other people, so T and I ended up hiding out in corners/in TLS/the bathroom for most of the time. T mostly just laughed or fondled her Pokemon while I selca'd and snapchatted in all locations we were in. Whatever. After lunch, we hung around for the first round of the tournament, and then ran away to get McFlurry's. I turned mine into a spider using one of the eight cans of soft drink that I walked away from AXPP with, ha. Because everything in Australia is a goddamn spider. Fun times.
We met up in the city around lunch time yesterday to have a cafe date. We ended up with a platter to share and individual drinks (milk for T and dark for me), which looked absolutely amazing. I think out of the entire platter, the only thing that we were less than impressed with was the cake. It was incredibly dense and while the topping was great, the cake itself paled in comparison to everything else on the platter. We were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half, though we definitely should have dragged it out for longer considering how hot it was outside. It was pretty funny because our table looked a thousand times more romantic than the tables of the legitimate couples that were in there.
After that we headed over to Boost so T could grab a watermelon crush, and then we wandered over to JB Hi-Fi so that I could make a vague attempt at finding an OST for L's birthday since she collects like a crazy person who has too much money to spare. I'm not entirely sure why it is exactly that every time I go out somewhere with T, we end up sitting on the floor. It was actually a little bit awkward because every time a store assistant would walk into the aisle we'd hurriedly make it seem as if we were looking at DVD titles on the shelves. I have to say though that we did find some pretty great things lingering in the boxes under the shelves. At some point I'll have to go back to get those. We also checked out Cotton On Body and Daiso for a while before heading down to meet her mother after work so we could get a lift from the station to T's house.
The trip was pretty non-eventful, apart from the idiot who was playing his music through his phone speakers loud enough for basically the entire carriage to hear it. T's mum decided to take a walk after we reached the house, so T and I changed our clothes and sort of just lounged around various parts of the house until she got back and we decided to have our pasta and meatballs for dinner. Post-dinner we rolled back into T's room, just talking and then looking up easy recipes for baking. I was super tired and so I napped for about an hour while she did laptop/internet things before getting up for baking.
We'd decided on vanilla cupcakes with frosting, except the recipe made 24 cupcakes and considering T's mum is on a Lite n Easy diet so we decided to half it. Which caused a bit of confusion when we tried to figure out half of thirds. But we got there in the end and I got to watch while T wrestled out, and with, the Kenwood kitchen aid they'd bought for her mum's 50th a few weeks back. Making the cupcakes themselves went fine, and we ended up putting some chocolate and macarons into the middle of half of them; the real problem started when we started trying to make the frosting because it turned out that T didn't have any icing sugar left in the house. Utilising the wonders of technology, we Googled a substitute recipe and were informed by the internet that we could just blend normal, granulated sugar down and use that instead. So we did. And it did not go so well. The frosting recipe called for a stupid amount of sugar, to begin with, and then we couldn't blend the sugar down fine enough, and then we may have added too much liquid. It's also possible that the oils from the butter began to separate as well. Eventually we tried fixing it like we did the last time that we messed up frosting - by melting it down, except that didn't work either because as soon as we took it off the stove the sugar started granulating again. In the end we just ditched it all down the sink. All up, baking and cleaning up took a ridiculous 3 hours. Never trust the preparation/cooking times on recipes - they're never right.
We Youtubed a bit, rolled around in bed and talked before finally falling asleep around 2.30-3-ish. Originally, we set the alarm for about 9am; in reality, we ended up getting up around 11. I showered while T had breakfast, and then we swapped over. It's funny how I've stayed at S's house a lot more than I've stayed at T's, yet T's house is where I feel a thousand times more at home. I packed up all my things, including my Christmas gift from T (a hilarious cross-stitch) and we headed over to uni for AXPP. Not that I particularly care about Pokemon - I just wanted to see/touch a few people and eat free food. I am all about free things, don't you know?
90% of the people there were people that I either didn't know or didn't really like, and those I did like were pretty occupied with Pokemon (obviously) or other people, so T and I ended up hiding out in corners/in TLS/the bathroom for most of the time. T mostly just laughed or fondled her Pokemon while I selca'd and snapchatted in all locations we were in. Whatever. After lunch, we hung around for the first round of the tournament, and then ran away to get McFlurry's. I turned mine into a spider using one of the eight cans of soft drink that I walked away from AXPP with, ha. Because everything in Australia is a goddamn spider. Fun times.
Sunday, 1 December 2013
metrics #4
This is the final metrics post for NaNo 2013 ! Exciting, I suppose, and yet, disappointing. I'll probably keep doing these metrics posts whenever I work on what I started for NaNo, whose title is tentatively being abbreviated to RTN. Quite apt, considering, if you are one of the few who a) know what it stands for and b) know the gist of my plotline.
Anyway, metrics for week 4 (and a bit): 8401. So, I have a grand total of 33291 for the month of November.
I'm a little upset that I didn't make it to the 50k mark on RTN. (I can feel the rest of you staring at me like holy shit, 33291 words in 30 days is fucking amazing; shh, you don't know what it's like.) Considering the monster that this is going to turn out to be, I probably should have made more of an effort to bash out as much as possible. Still, it's a nice number to look at in retrospect, and definitely more than the combined total of everything else I'd written in the rest of the year.
In case anyone was curious, here's some music that I've been listening to pretty frequently while writing during November!
Bridge Attack//Bill Whelan
Phoenix//Daft Punk
Mighty Micro People//Amon Tobin
Concorde//Glen Check
Drifting//Lucid Fall
Easy To Crash//Cake
Also, hello December ! Isn't it hard to believe that we're so close to 2014 already? Where have all the days gone?
Anyway, metrics for week 4 (and a bit): 8401. So, I have a grand total of 33291 for the month of November.
I'm a little upset that I didn't make it to the 50k mark on RTN. (I can feel the rest of you staring at me like holy shit, 33291 words in 30 days is fucking amazing; shh, you don't know what it's like.) Considering the monster that this is going to turn out to be, I probably should have made more of an effort to bash out as much as possible. Still, it's a nice number to look at in retrospect, and definitely more than the combined total of everything else I'd written in the rest of the year.
In case anyone was curious, here's some music that I've been listening to pretty frequently while writing during November!
Bridge Attack//Bill Whelan
Phoenix//Daft Punk
Mighty Micro People//Amon Tobin
Concorde//Glen Check
Drifting//Lucid Fall
Easy To Crash//Cake
Also, hello December ! Isn't it hard to believe that we're so close to 2014 already? Where have all the days gone?
Friday, 29 November 2013
don't stop sexy boyz
Yesterday I finally met up with my 妹妹 L for the first time in a few months! She was late in meeting me, which was fine - I went for a latte at Starbucks while I waited for her. The weather was not great, but that wasn't such a problem since we'd made plans to go back to her apartment anyway.
After she showed up, we walked a few blocks to this delightful French restaurant/cafe place for lunch that L had been to before. Since both of us are not particularly large eaters, we chose a few things to share. We ended up with French style pizza and crepes, as well as a bowl of fries because, well, who doesn't love fries, let's be real here. L also got an iced chocolate while I stuck with water. Even though the portions looked quite small, they were really filling ! We also got raspberry mousse slice and a strawberry tart to take away so that we could have dessert a little later, once we were done digesting a little.
Both of us have the habit of forgetting that we're actually meant to be dieting so we opted to walk back to L's apartment, stopping by at this super fancy supermarket on the way for juice. For some bizarre reason, strangers always talk to us when we're out together; it's more than a little creepy. This time, it happened to be the guy re-stocking the shelves. After making small talk and giving us advice on juice, he proceeded to comment on how we both had really good English, at which L and I both exchanged a look and told him that well, yeah, we'd been here for a while. (I was born here; L migrated from China when she was 3, iirc.) So that was not all that fun, but we managed to get back to her apartment without any other mishaps.
L cleaned up her room a bit while I sat around on her bed, and then we set up for what she dubbed our JE fangirling date. I gave her pretty much everything that I'd been able to fit onto my harddrive and we spent the next five or so hours alternating between past and present videos. She also tried to introduce me to some of the juniors! This probably would have worked better if she wasn't trying to point them out through video because no matter how HD a video is, when someone is not the focus it's pretty hard to make them out properly and make judgments on whether you find them qtp or not. We watched some of this year's Shokura's, as well as part of the SZ concert, some AnS, pv's and a bunch of other assorted things. I've never understood why people watch reaction videos, because I honestly find them not that funny unless you actually know the person? Also because it's 1028488934902x better if you're there with them in person. I'm pretty sure L cries some real tears during the afternoon at some point. The Star Rider video was pretty much her breaking point though, since she saw U's hair and was actually just lost for words.
I ended up staying until about 7.30-ish? which was a lot later than I'd originally planned, since I was meant to be meeting up with people for P's birthday, oops. So I trammed back into the city (and got caught for apparently not touching on even though I swear I did, ugh, going to have to appeal that when I get sent the letter) and met up with them only for cake. Not that I really minded, because I was actually still full from lunch. Terrible weather aside, it was a really good day. Which was made even better by getting home and watching L sob over Twitter as she made her way through a bunch of things that she'd never seen before.
L: "I REALLY CANT STOP CRYING MY HEART IS SPLITTING INTO LITTLE PIECES...I am literally going to die". Best moments of the day.
After she showed up, we walked a few blocks to this delightful French restaurant/cafe place for lunch that L had been to before. Since both of us are not particularly large eaters, we chose a few things to share. We ended up with French style pizza and crepes, as well as a bowl of fries because, well, who doesn't love fries, let's be real here. L also got an iced chocolate while I stuck with water. Even though the portions looked quite small, they were really filling ! We also got raspberry mousse slice and a strawberry tart to take away so that we could have dessert a little later, once we were done digesting a little.
Both of us have the habit of forgetting that we're actually meant to be dieting so we opted to walk back to L's apartment, stopping by at this super fancy supermarket on the way for juice. For some bizarre reason, strangers always talk to us when we're out together; it's more than a little creepy. This time, it happened to be the guy re-stocking the shelves. After making small talk and giving us advice on juice, he proceeded to comment on how we both had really good English, at which L and I both exchanged a look and told him that well, yeah, we'd been here for a while. (I was born here; L migrated from China when she was 3, iirc.) So that was not all that fun, but we managed to get back to her apartment without any other mishaps.
L cleaned up her room a bit while I sat around on her bed, and then we set up for what she dubbed our JE fangirling date. I gave her pretty much everything that I'd been able to fit onto my harddrive and we spent the next five or so hours alternating between past and present videos. She also tried to introduce me to some of the juniors! This probably would have worked better if she wasn't trying to point them out through video because no matter how HD a video is, when someone is not the focus it's pretty hard to make them out properly and make judgments on whether you find them qtp or not. We watched some of this year's Shokura's, as well as part of the SZ concert, some AnS, pv's and a bunch of other assorted things. I've never understood why people watch reaction videos, because I honestly find them not that funny unless you actually know the person? Also because it's 1028488934902x better if you're there with them in person. I'm pretty sure L cries some real tears during the afternoon at some point. The Star Rider video was pretty much her breaking point though, since she saw U's hair and was actually just lost for words.
I ended up staying until about 7.30-ish? which was a lot later than I'd originally planned, since I was meant to be meeting up with people for P's birthday, oops. So I trammed back into the city (and got caught for apparently not touching on even though I swear I did, ugh, going to have to appeal that when I get sent the letter) and met up with them only for cake. Not that I really minded, because I was actually still full from lunch. Terrible weather aside, it was a really good day. Which was made even better by getting home and watching L sob over Twitter as she made her way through a bunch of things that she'd never seen before.
L: "I REALLY CANT STOP CRYING MY HEART IS SPLITTING INTO LITTLE PIECES...I am literally going to die". Best moments of the day.
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
because you've had it too good recently
Sometimes, people are assholes. Sometimes, people are idiots. I fall into one, but more often and more likely both of these categories because things that I'm not good at seem to include being a decent person. I know there's a lot that needs work in who I am, I know that I'm lacking and there is so much I need to improve on, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who really does?) I've never thought that I would be one.
This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.
So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.
This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.
So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Friday, 22 November 2013
i think it's time to let this die
I suppose it's unfair to say that we're not friends.
I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.
You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.
K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.
Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.
I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".
I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.
You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.
K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.
Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.
I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".
metrics #3
This week's metrics: 13436, which makes a current total of 24890.
I'm surprised myself, especially considering this is more than I've written in the past two weeks. It's amazing what a talk through about outlines and plot points and character developments can do for you. If only the first two weeks had been this good, I would've had a real chance at making it to 50k. Still, I'm really happy with how productive this week was, and how I'm progressing overall.
Of course, if you look at everything that I've written this month, and not just at NaNo, then I'd definitely hit 50k. Whatever. I don't regret writing for other people at the same time this month. What I will regret, though, when I'm going back and trying to piece together all the parts that I have done for NaNo is not writing chronologically. I don't doubt that my writing's been improving - it's hard to avoid when you're pushing yourself to write every day, regardless of how little - but oh god, it's going to be so obvious what was written when and ahhh, the editing and re-writing that'll have to happen to smooth it over and make it cohesive will be an absolute nightmare. That's not going to happen for a long while yet, though. I don't want to edit before I've completed a first draft which, at this stage, isn't going to be finished for months yet.
(F, if you're reading this, I HAVE, IN NO WAY, GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER. I am awful with continuity but linear writing? Not for me.)
Saturday, 16 November 2013
walk right through me, i'm not really there
My biggest fear is and always has been, most likely always will be, that I am easily replaceable. (Forgettable? Discardable? My life is written in semantics.)
It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it?
A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.
I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start.
I'm sorry.
It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it?
A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.
I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start.
I'm sorry.
Friday, 15 November 2013
metrics #2
I meant to post this earlier but I got distracted by drowning in strawberries and being dumb enough to cut up the inside of my mouth. Again. And now I'm posting this from my phone at like 2.30AM. (This is so tedious, I'm never doing it again.) I'm actually meant to be sleeping, but my anxiety, insecurities and fears of being inadequate are keeping me awake. Good fun. I'll probably post about that in the next few days, once I've properly sorted out my thoughts.
Anyway, this weeks metrics: 5128.
It's even more appalling than last week, unfortunately. Still, this ups me to... 11454 in 14 days. A dismal amount, but unsurprising, considering my struggles during this time. It should get better from here on though. I have a clearer idea of what needs to get done. All I need to do is sit down and actually get to it.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
hear them promise a story if only i'll listen
Every day I tell myself I should do something productive, except oh wait, I'm not done with all that nothing I already started.
Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.
After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.
An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.
I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?
Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.
After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.
An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.
I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?
Monday, 11 November 2013
tales of being mistaken for a hooker
Password locked for reasons; hit me up if you really want to know.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
metrics #1
Two days late, but the week's total: an appalling 6326.
There's still a lot more to get done. I'm nowhere near reaching my usual, even for the day, which is frustrating. I broke off for three days so today I'm desperately trying to play catch up. I suspect in the next day or so I'm going to have to pause and figure out how to tie what I already have in together so that I can have a reasonable discussion on progressions on Wednesday.
At least I'm progressing, learning, pushing myself. Kind of.
There's still a lot more to get done. I'm nowhere near reaching my usual, even for the day, which is frustrating. I broke off for three days so today I'm desperately trying to play catch up. I suspect in the next day or so I'm going to have to pause and figure out how to tie what I already have in together so that I can have a reasonable discussion on progressions on Wednesday.
At least I'm progressing, learning, pushing myself. Kind of.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
let's step up
Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.
I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.
I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.
C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.
I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.
I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.
Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.
ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.
I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.
I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.
C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.
I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.
I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.
Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.
ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.
Friday, 25 October 2013
[x] fragment dump #1
More snippets related to the world this is in. Real backlogging tomorrow night, I swear.
It's easier to remember control sometimes, when she is around him. When she's close to him, it's easy to remember just how easily she could snap and break him. She has to be in control around him, has to be, because he is one thing that she will protect. He has four different kinds of green ties and he likes the one with thin silver stripes through it best, she recites to herself. His favourite colour is red and always has been and he's afraid of--
"Hey, are you okay?" And then her vision is filled with a bright smile and endlessly blue eyes.
"Fine," she says and the smile she gives in return reaches her eyes easily. Nothing is ever faked when she's around him.
"Good," he says, and throws an arm over her shoulder. She tries to ignore the way that heat spreads all through her from the points where they're touching, how just this one action has her heart beating double time. "Let's go out for lunch."
--
Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel, it's just the way that she is: careless with people that she doesn't love. And she is so careful, so selective about who she chooses to love. People count themselves lucky, to be able to say with confidence that they are friends with her. And they are lucky, because once you have earned yourself a piece of her heart, it is yours forever. There aren't many who can say they are friends with her, and there are even less who can say, with absolute certainty, that she would do anything for them. She is fiercely loyal to those she calls her own. Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see that, for all that their group is so tightly-knit, he is the only one that she watches so carefully; that she is able to dismiss them so easily. It still hurts to see that she is careless with people who are not hers.
--
Love, you think, and then, no. Not love, never love. I love you, too, is on the tip of your tongue, because that's what you've learned to say, to say without meaning. It's what was drilled in to you: love your friends but don't love your friends. You won't--you can't say anything that she wants to hear so you don't say anything at all. Love. You think that she has no idea what love is.
--
She chokes back a sob and lurches forward, clutching at your shirt, winding her fingers in the thin material. You wonder, distantly, how long it has been. Will the others have noticed your disappearance, or will they just write it off as the two of you being you again? The thought brings a laugh burbling to your lips - you would deserve it, after night after night spent sneaking out of the bathroom window and disappearing until dawn even when it was prohibited. She helps you to stand, walksdrags the both of you on to the ledge, toes just over the edge. She sways slightly, rocking you along with her, pressing against the railing. It bites into your stomach and you reach out, fingers finding the worn, faint, barely there scratches of a melody beneath your fingertips. The city lights flash and blur as you stare blindly into them and remember.
It's easier to remember control sometimes, when she is around him. When she's close to him, it's easy to remember just how easily she could snap and break him. She has to be in control around him, has to be, because he is one thing that she will protect. He has four different kinds of green ties and he likes the one with thin silver stripes through it best, she recites to herself. His favourite colour is red and always has been and he's afraid of--
"Hey, are you okay?" And then her vision is filled with a bright smile and endlessly blue eyes.
"Fine," she says and the smile she gives in return reaches her eyes easily. Nothing is ever faked when she's around him.
"Good," he says, and throws an arm over her shoulder. She tries to ignore the way that heat spreads all through her from the points where they're touching, how just this one action has her heart beating double time. "Let's go out for lunch."
--
Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel, it's just the way that she is: careless with people that she doesn't love. And she is so careful, so selective about who she chooses to love. People count themselves lucky, to be able to say with confidence that they are friends with her. And they are lucky, because once you have earned yourself a piece of her heart, it is yours forever. There aren't many who can say they are friends with her, and there are even less who can say, with absolute certainty, that she would do anything for them. She is fiercely loyal to those she calls her own. Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see that, for all that their group is so tightly-knit, he is the only one that she watches so carefully; that she is able to dismiss them so easily. It still hurts to see that she is careless with people who are not hers.
--
Love, you think, and then, no. Not love, never love. I love you, too, is on the tip of your tongue, because that's what you've learned to say, to say without meaning. It's what was drilled in to you: love your friends but don't love your friends. You won't--you can't say anything that she wants to hear so you don't say anything at all. Love. You think that she has no idea what love is.
--
She chokes back a sob and lurches forward, clutching at your shirt, winding her fingers in the thin material. You wonder, distantly, how long it has been. Will the others have noticed your disappearance, or will they just write it off as the two of you being you again? The thought brings a laugh burbling to your lips - you would deserve it, after night after night spent sneaking out of the bathroom window and disappearing until dawn even when it was prohibited. She helps you to stand, walksdrags the both of you on to the ledge, toes just over the edge. She sways slightly, rocking you along with her, pressing against the railing. It bites into your stomach and you reach out, fingers finding the worn, faint, barely there scratches of a melody beneath your fingertips. The city lights flash and blur as you stare blindly into them and remember.
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
falling apart, what should i do
I know I'm not trying hard enough and yet somehow I'm still tired all the time. I think one of the worst things to feel is as though you are inadequate. Like you will never be anything more than mediocre at something, anything. And the thing is, it will always be the rank that they see and care about. It doesn't define you; all it means is that you didn't give them what they want. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't hurt any less, because even if it doesn't define you, it does hold weight. It's actually really quite distressing. I'm not unhappy, no, just...stressed and concerned and mostly just tired. Is that normal? Was I ever normal?
I'll keep going though, because the alternative consists of so much that I'm afraid to think about. It's incomprehensible.
Short post for now; I'll backlog with cheerful entries about the weekend later.
I'll keep going though, because the alternative consists of so much that I'm afraid to think about. It's incomprehensible.
Short post for now; I'll backlog with cheerful entries about the weekend later.
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Monday, 14 October 2013
don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe
What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).
I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.
I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;
On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.
I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.
Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.
I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.
There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.
I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.
I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;
On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.
I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.
Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.
I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.
There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.
Saturday, 5 October 2013
an interlude away
October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.
I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?
G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.
I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.
T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.
M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.
I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?
G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.
I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.
T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.
M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.
Monday, 30 September 2013
living life hard until we die
SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.
I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.
C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.
I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.
Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out
Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.
L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.
I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.
I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.
C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.
I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.
Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.
L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.
I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
trying emotions
For the stalkers who stalk (who is even reading this out there?): FUCK Y'ALL. EAT SHIT AND DIE.
I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.
I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.
A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity.
NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.
Real updates later, I guess.
I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.
I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.
A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity.
NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.
Real updates later, I guess.
Sunday, 22 September 2013
let your hair down
There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!
T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.
T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.
Saturday, 14 September 2013
原谅我没有说
I bitch and moan about people in the world so often that sometimes, I tend to forget that there are really amazing people around me. Sometimes, I worry about whether they know how much I honestly appreciate everything that they do for me. Most of the time though, I fear that they think that I'm ungrateful. It should be easy to say - after all, these are words and words and words that are used on a daily basis; but sometimes they're used so much that they lose all meaning. The people around me don't rely on me for anything, and I rely on others so much that it hurts to know how weak I am on my own, and if I could only work out how to say the words, I would thank them with everything that I have. The fears that they don't know the value, the importance they represent to me can get so overwhelming. Sometimes, I think that they'll become sick of putting up with everything that I am and just walk away, and it's easy to admit that that's why I am the way I am sometimes; better to give them a reason to leave me behind. Sometimes, it's easy to tell myself I'm being stupid, think that of course they must know, or else they wouldn't smile at me like that, treat me the way that they do. Most of the time though, it's not.
Monday, 9 September 2013
dear so-called friends
If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.
The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.
I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.
I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.
The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.
I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.
I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.
Wednesday, 4 September 2013
though time passes, it's still awkward without you here
They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?
I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.
I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.
I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.
Three years ago, remember the day.
I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.
I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.
I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.
Three years ago, remember the day.
Sunday, 25 August 2013
listen up, because i'm making a statement
FUCK YOU.
We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.
Okay.
You can fuck right off, tyvm.
We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.
Okay.
You can fuck right off, tyvm.
Thursday, 15 August 2013
perhaps it's time you looked into personal space
Sometimes I think PDA is cute.
These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.
Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.
You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.
I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.
When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.
These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.
Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.
You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.
I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.
When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.
Friday, 9 August 2013
august is the cruelest month
August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.
The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.
People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.
I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.
Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).
The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.
People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.
I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.
Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).
Saturday, 20 July 2013
all the things you never knew
My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.
I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.
Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.
Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.
Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.
I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.
Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.
Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.
Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.
Sunday, 14 July 2013
can't stop the music, this moment is for you tonight
Karaoke is honestly one of my favourite pastimes, regardless of what kind of group I'm going with. This is, though, still somewhat dependent on whether the group allows me to do all the songs that I want. Even if I don't though, I still enjoy seeing everyone else have fun with whatever songs they've inputted. Seeing people not care about pitch or tone and just have fun always makes me smile.
The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).
It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.
I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.
Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.
I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.
The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).
It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.
I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.
Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.
I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.
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