it's an uncertain road but i will fly up

Dear 2018!self,

There are so many things that changed for you in 2017. I wonder if 2018 was any better for you. I wonder if you're happy again. You weren't for a lot of this year but you're moving forward, as slow as progress can seem a lot of the time. You'll be okay. You always are.

You experienced a lot of different things this year: exciting and shiny and new, dark and cold and upsetting. How many emotions did you feel this year, there were too many to even begin to think about; an entire spectrum. You met new people, reconnected with the old, and lost some in more ways than one. Still, you're incredibly lucky to have the people around you that you do. Do your best to keep cultivating those as best you can. You've never been great at being the first to reach out but make an effort. Mend those bridges. Treasure what you have because you don't know when it might leave you.

You realised that more than ever this year. As always, you've lost friends to distance and difference. It's not a bad thing like you used to think it was. There might be a time where you come together again in the future, but if not, that's alright too.

It's strange to look back at last year's note. All the things that you hoped for and wished for, how many of them did you get? You and O aren't a thing anymore, and you were so angry about that for a long time. But you know, now more than ever, how exhausting holding onto anger can be. You spent a lot of time being bitter and upset and confused, looking back at every instance and wondering where it all went wrong; when did things start to change; why didn't you notice. A says that it is okay though; he was your first real love and that is always going to be special to you. You learnt a lot about yourself during that time, you know yourself better now, and you're thankful that you had the time that you did. There are so many memories and they're all precious to you. You've let it go, and you're moving forward, one step at a time. A tells you to be kind to yourself so I hope that you're keeping that up.

There were a lot of other things that impacted you this year. Jonghyun's passing affected you much more than you thought that it would. Despite how little attention you have given in recent years, he was an integral part of shaping you into the person that you are now. You cried, talking about it with A. One of the hardest sessions that you've ever had, but your feelings around it are resolved. There's a lot that you're not happy with, but these idols are so, so important to you. Music gives life to those feelings when you can't find the right words to describe them yourself. Do what you can to show them how much you love them.

2017 was truly the year you went to concerts. Each of them was an unforgettable experience, even with the struggles. There were throwbacks to your teenage days, there were bright new current states. Even if he will never remember it, you managed to tell JB how much he means to you.

You travelled much more this year. Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, Japan. The trips weren't always what you dreamed they would be, but they were good nonetheless. You had fun. You saw your first snowfall too. I wonder if you will have travelled next year. I hope so. There are a lot of places you want to go still. Do it while you have the chance. You don't know what could change.

Somehow work was harder for you this year, despite how you thought it would be easier. You're coming to terms with the fact that you can't make everyone happy all the time. I hope that you are still working hard and aren't taking it for granted. Don't be afraid to look for help when you need it. Don't be afraid to try new things. You don't have to be friends with everyone but you do need to be able to work with them.

I wonder where you will be this time next year. I wonder what you will passionate about in 2018. Will you have finished Boom Boom, will you have successfully completed NaNoWriMo? You're getting closer to it every year you try. Will you still be in love with kpop? I hope you are, I hope you have something that keeps you going. Happiness seems like a lofty goal, but strive for it anyway. You might not get there but at the very least, I hope that you are content with where you are. Maybe that's more important than happiness.

Whatever it is that you do and wherever you are, I hope that you're satisfied with your year. I hope that you did your best to grow and be a better person, one that you like better than the person that you were in 2017. You don't have to decide tomorrow today but keep looking forward. Find the path that you want to take. Be safe. Be healthy. Be someone who people would be proud to know. Prove that you're worth their belief.

The skyway is bright. You will be okay.

Love,
2017!self.

that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

this night that came again

The irritating thing about A is that she keeps trying to get me to talk about what happened with C, like this all stems back to those hellish eight months I endured six? years ago. And while maybe she has a point because I know that the entire situation fucked with my perceptions and ability to trust myself and set boundaries and ruined relationships, it's not all about the things that C inflicted on me and made me think. Years before we even met, it's always been me and my fucked up brain doing stupid shit and wanting everything to stop.

Some days I don't know if I even want to get better. How fucked up is that?

feedback loops of bruises coloured blue

-35

the worst day in a while.

even worse than the day that you slipped up and ripped yourself open. even that was only a -20. you were so tired then but you stopped yourself and got rid of them after that first one.

you thought you were doing better but don't fool yourself.

a always says that this game of tallying up points for events is unhealthy. honestly, she's right. especially since you're hiding in a fucking bathroom to type this all out. can you even make it to tuesday without ruining everything.

you're just a fuck up. you always have been and you're kind of always a bitch. nobody wants to be friends with you, honestly.

you're a mess.

normal people don't act, don't react, like that.

you're never going to get close to anyone. everything you try is too little too late. there's honestly no point in even trying anything.

it's fucking ridiculous to feel like shit and like you're not worth anything at all when just a few days ago you were telling a that your week was an eight. why can't you figure out how to not be a disappointment to everyone you know.

there's an empty space in your drawer at home. it should scare you, how easily the thought of wanting those instruments back slides into your mind. you don't need to be here, burdening everyone you ever cared about and taking up space by existing.

maybe if you wait long enough everyone will forget you and be all the better for it.

and where he ended up no one knew

The picture of you in my mind is hazy. There are so many little details that I've forgotten: your height against mine, the exact shape of your smile, the spikes of your hair, the cadence of your voice and the tones of your laughter, the gestures you would make.

But there are some things that aren't so easy to forget. Some things that time can't blur from memory.

It's easy to remember you. A wonderful person with a good heart who welcomed so many of us into a home when we didn't know we needed it, who inspired us to enjoy life.

Forever eighteen, so brilliantly alive and vibrant.

Is it unfair of me to say this? It must be infinitely harder for the others. But even so...

Seven years has gone so fast. I've lived more of my life without you than I did with you.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

and many countless days later

i spoke to V on Sunday night for the first time in three? years. honestly, i wasn't really sure if we'd ever come back to each other especially since we haven't met often. but she's been there for me through... a lot of things. a lot of years.

i've been thinking a lot since then. the guilt and resentment weighs, thick and heavy and cloying. everyone was so worried. they tried to help but they couldn't understand.

there was a time where i didn't have the words to talk about myself. where i didn't understand myself. where i was more anxiety than myself. more scared of myself than anything else.

a time where the only thing i knew to do was to either lash out or hide it.

sometimes it's easy to touch and just imagine. what if, once more, would it help?

the scars may have faded but i know they were there.

there was (is?) a time where that was the only thing that helped.

seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

is it this way or that way?

if you have a complex it's because everyone keeps leaving.

the name calling and violence and rejection may have dulled but it's not so easy to forget.

you still remember.

you know the truth.

nobody can know just how deeply personal your self-loathing is.

whether it's sweat or tears

i can't sleep but what else is new?
why do i keep coming back?
why can't i just leave?
it goes around and around and i'm the one who looks a fool
please just let me breathe

my steps go nowhere i scratched it from my memory

Is it you who changed
Or is it I who changed
...
We’re the ones who’ve changed I guess
Everyone is like that I guess

Vacant room in my memory
This lunatic night swallows me 

i don't know when things suddenly started tumbling down and no matter how much i look for something it doesn't work 

i keep going back to trying to believe that YNWA but why burden others when they have their own lives to deal with 

things are still so much one step forward two steps back that is it really that happiness is too rare too lofty a goal 

a lot of times i'm not sure if i can achieve it or hold on to it 

if i am happy now it must be fleeting

i'm so scared i can't breathe that it kills me inside that i wish it would just end 

while i'm running alone on tracks in a place that's been left the call of the void becomes increasingly inviting

if i ever knew i've long since forgotten

it's one long night that i'm passing through

it's okay to be angry and never let go//it only gets harder the more that you know 

i've never been so thankful to be on a break before. even the kids were starting to look at me funny. at least now i don't have to pretend that every thing is peachy, sunnyperfectdon'tletthemknowsmileyou'refine. keep it in even when you feel like your face is burning off. i had enough practise at that, once. 

it's been a long time since i blogged this frequently. i guess i never felt like i needed to hide so much these past years. i know that i'm slipping back to a bad place but the last thing i want to do is lay it out for everyone else again. they shouldn't be dragged down just because i can't get it together.

being blue is better than being over it

...right?

I don't want to forget.

the storms came, the winds changed

everyone, a especially, keeps telling me that things will get better, things will get easier, i deserve more. some days i think they're right. more often i wish i could believe what they say as wholly as they do. the problem is always that i want--you can never get sick of wanting.

at the very least, i don't cry every day any more. though i'm not sure if that would have been any better than constantly feeling like i'm living through a grey haze.

all those things i read about, that i wrote about--none of it really existed until now.

it's hardest to see that everybody else is so happy. l is moving to sydney to be with w. c and other l are both making plans for their weddings. c and r are travelling together. j is moving in with k. m, t, w and d are all looking at buying houses and making real lives. n is organising a surprise for c. w just got married. s is getting married next week. a and j are about to leave for travels. h and e are getting engaged.

i wish i didn't feel so bitter when i look at how excited they all are. i wish i didn't begrudge them their happiness. but i am, incredibly so, because i honestly thought that this year would be the end of it. that this year would be a good year. so far though 2017 is kicking my ass real hard with a whole bunch of emotional pain.

lies and cries and broken ties

skeletons grow stronger when kept in the rearview

even though leaving c was the hardest thing i've done and i was so damn terrified for so long afterwards this hurts infinitely more. back then at least i knew there wasn't anything to save. i knew i had to get out before i got even more fucked up or before anyone else got hurt too.

i didn't know anything this time.

maybe i've just been pretending this whole time that all the things they said to me were wrong.

i'm not enough. i'm not worth it. i never will be.

that's the one thing, there's no safety in desire

a positive emotion can fuck you up forever

slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.