slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.

the run and go

- Sealife Aquarium ; Tackier than I remembered it being since that time I went with K, M and C, but I still had fun! Stingrays the best, so cute *O* Ice cream at Crown and then dinner at The Merrywell.
- Dentist ; apparently I haven't made much progress, but it was expected to be slow anyway. It's hard to be patient though when you want instant results. Next appointment is in May.
- The Book Thief ; Ahhh, I'd been so excited for this since the making was announced because I'd read the book before and really enjoyed it. I thought the movie adaption was pretty great, although that might have been because of the acting rather than anything else.
- Richmond Lunar New Year Festival ; Met up with O, X and H and wandered the stalls for a few hours, getting sunburnt in the process, before heading over to Docklands to visit C at work. Ice cream at the Smith St Grocer, and then dinner, of a sort, with X, O and C at Easy Cafe. A quick visit to Maxim's, and then Gong Cha, and sitting around MC just talking.
- House sitting for C ; PUPPIES OuO Cuddles them forever. Pepi will forever be my baby, so small and fluffy wwwwww
- Dinner with SAMA people ; Oriental Spoon and then The Lab for ice cream, though I didn't have any. It just isn't that good to me.
- The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ; I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't yet seen it (why haven't you, what are you doing?!) but suffice to say that I still enjoyed it more than the first part, even with the unnecessary parts that weren't true to the book. Ugh, Tauriel.
- Picnic ; where I met up with some of my lovely tlist friends who I haven't seen in quite a while, and met some new ones too, accompanied by cake and snacks, dip and ice cream and peppero and other foods. B also gifted me with a copy of Kusabi <3
- 47 Ronin ; in which A and I shrieked over Jin's every appearance, commented about the stupidity contained within, got told to "Shut the fuck up!", and V found her JJ&E lookalikes, and we were all thoroughly confused by why it took them so long to make such a mediocre film.
- 4 months ; Apple pie ! On my own... hA
- Lunch with H ; noodles and dumplings and then hanging out and complaining and just generally catching up at the park :3
- Kitchen Workshop ; Thanks to F&Co. Somehow we ended up wrangling free entry. The fare was decent
- CNY ; explored the stalls around Crown after dinner, watched some noodle making and scored a ton of packets of free sauces. Had F&Co. over for 年夜饭, and then again (minus E) for 鱼(余)生. Baked a banana Mars Bar cake. Yum cha at Shark Fin House. Hot pot for dinner for 元宵节. Altogether a pretty good new year period.
- Lunch with S ; dumplings and jjajangmyeon at HGG, and then bubble tea at Chatime
- Skype dates with T and K <33333
- L's birthday ; Yum Cha at Gold Leaf Docklands and then got G to drive me home
- T17 - The Remix Redux ; I can't wait until this is over. I didn't think it'd be so draining when I volunteered and everything started off. Still, I'm satisfied with how we've done, considering all the issues we've faced.
- Thrifting ; picked up some new pairs of shoes, dresses and books, yay.
- Dad, WJ and Mum's birthdays in the span of a week ; Three different cakes and dinners at home :3
- Valentine's Day ; Skype date <3 Also went for a walk with Mum and T in the afternoon to pick up V and almost got hit by a car on the way back, which was completely not our fault. A sign that I should stay indoors, I believe.
- Facetime ; mostly Mum wanted to wish my aunt and uncle happy new year, and then my sister and I chatted with my cousins for a bit. It was a little frustrating but good nonetheless.

I shall attempt to blog more frequently, but I suspect that things may slow even further since uni starts again soon. On top of that, I think education placements run through most of April and the beginning of May, so I'll probably be too tired every day from dealing with and teaching teenagers to talk about what I'm doing. I'll try to keep note of everything that happens though. I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of their holidays.

we're multiplying, there might be one here

Tonight I went to see 俺俺 at ACMI for the Japanese Film Festival. I've been looking forward to this movie ever since it was first announced because really, what could be better than a movie with Kame playing 33 characters? (A movie with Jin playing all the characters, tbh. Is my bias showing?) Even without the allure of seeing Kame onscreen, the plot itself is delicious. It's not a movie that I could watch regularly, but I'd still definitely put it on my favourites list. T and the older couple sitting beside her cracked up at me though for freaking out before the movie had properly started :( I'm sorry I have a lot of feelings. Subs for the movie are already out online, but mostly I wanted to go for the Q&A session that was hosted with the director afterwards.

It was actually a little awkward (which I expected, because of the disconnect between translations, but also because interviews are almost always a bit awkward) but most of the questions that were asked were great. (Except for that one woman who had a comment and a question and was talking for literally like 5 minutes. I wanted to punch because she would not shut up and I'm not even sure her comment made complete sense because that's what happens when you say things on the fly, ugh.) Satoshi Miki was really nice about it all though, and his answers were all really interesting to hear. I managed to get down most of the Q&A; at some point I'll probably transcribe that for KTL or KTWW or something. He was super nice afterwards too, hanging around outside the cinema to take photos and shake hands and sign autographs :(

I also managed to make new JE friends! Mostly because they were hanging around afterwards too and talking about things and I sort of slyly inserted myself into their conversation, haha. I think B and I will get along great. C and A seem really nice and fun too, as well as the rest of the group whose names I didn't manage to catch. We hung around outside ACMI for a while just talking and flailing about things, and eventually got told off by other people who were standing around in Fed Sq for being too loud. (What else is new though?) We swapped u/ns, and have tentative plans for karaoke in a few weeks, so I think we're going to be, well, pretty good friends. They all headed back to Flinders while A and I walked down Swanston since A lives on LaTrobe and I was meeting my sister at Rooftop in Curtin House since it was her actual birthday.

I ended up walking all seven flights of stairs because there was a group of people lingering outside the lift and I don't have the patience for that. It was probably good for me, anyway, considering that T and I lived the fat life today. It took me a while to work out where my sister and her friends were, I am not good at recognising people from the back, and even less so when it is dark, but I found them in the end. I don't really know many of her friends well plus I was pretty tired from being out most of the day, but I talked to D, M, and A for a while. Right before I left I ended up spotting L, who I haven't seen in months! This was pretty much the last place that I expected to run into her. So I chatted to her for a bit before I left and collapsed at home, about life and her plans and her scooter accident and shitty internet. We'll make proper plans for a real catch up, probably with the whole group, some time soon so that'll be the best.

Tomorrow I'm checking out the RDH function room for my joint birthday with my younger sister, and then on Sunday O is coming to stay over before he leaves me (again) for other, sunnier places, so the next few days will be fun too, at least.

shiny yellow lining oh so blinding

with my hands, gold bands

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

living life hard until we die

SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.

I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.

C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.

I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.

Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out

Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.

L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.

I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

can't stop the music, this moment is for you tonight

Karaoke is honestly one of my favourite pastimes, regardless of what kind of group I'm going with. This is, though, still somewhat dependent on whether the group allows me to do all the songs that I want. Even if I don't though, I still enjoy seeing everyone else have fun with whatever songs they've inputted. Seeing people not care about pitch or tone and just have fun always makes me smile.

The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).

It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.

I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.

Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.

I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.

sun is in the sky, why would i want to be anywhere else?

The weather's been gorgeous lately, for Winter, at least. I went out with C on Wednesday, since exams are officially over and done with. It'd been just over a month since I last saw her, which doesn't seem quite so long, but is when you've become accustomed to seeing someone every other day for three months straight. I had an interesting encounter on my way to meeting her, but that's for another time, perhaps. Now that she's moved houses, K Rd is that convenient almost-equal distance from both of us.

The French cafe has been a favourite of both of ours for a while, so it seemed like a good place to have our first official date. Although we met up around lunch time, I suppose it'd be rather more appropriate to say that we had an early afternoon tea instead, having ordered an apple crumble and a mixed berry danish to share. C got Earl Grey while I, having had not quite as much sleep, got a latte. And then proceeded to convince C to procure me some extra sugar packets. It was pricier than a normal cafe, but well worth it for the plush seats we secured and the lovely atmosphere, I feel. We chatted and caught up about exams and other life happenings. I think we spent the better part of the hours there reminiscing about our past, younger selves - primary and high school memories both. It's interesting how even though we come from different places, some things are constants.

Whenever I reflect on all the time I spend with C, the clearest is always how loud we are in comparison to others. We've always been loud individually, but when we're together, I suspect it's a little intimidating (?) for the people around us. We stayed in the cafe until it closed so there was plenty of opportunity to notice how very little the volume in the room seemed to decrease every time the other customers left.

What upsets me most about Winter is how quickly the sun sets. At this point, it's literally an hour or so until the sky is pitch black. Still, we vacated the cafe before the sun set, and walked back to the main section of K Rd for ice cream. I feel like a litre of ice cream would've been lovely, but in the end we settled for a cup of three flavours - cookie dough, Baileys with almonds and some odd combination named Stairway to Heaven. Even though it was starting to get dark we still sat outside, during which time we had an intriguing conversation on fandoms and fic, before she saw me off onto my bus and we parted ways.

I caught up with S on Thursday morning for brunch. The weather was not so great in the morning, cold and windy, but it shaped up later. We were inside for most of the time, anyway. I hadn't seen her since May either, and a lot had transpired since then - what with uni and her trip to Japan and everything. I think that's the part I enjoy most about having "real life fandom friends" - friends who I can go out and see, but still talk fandom with. Perhaps it helps that most of the ones that I do go out with tend to be more rational, more accepting and willing to talk through issues. Breakfast was a ridiculous size and I felt full the rest of the day, which was a bonus, I suppose. We talked for a few hours, about all sorts of things, and then S went back to her grandparents, and I shopped for a bit before coming home.

I should've done a lot more after coming home on both days than I did, but well. I need to start making to-do lists again.

it's a phony world we live in

You know, I hate this thing that people do.

I don't know if I could pick a side, because if it were me, I'd want you to be on my side too. I'm tired of trying to mediate between T and M when I shouldn't even be caught up in this.

Kindly keep your drama the fuck away from me.

we arrive and we cause a commotion

Went out with tlist for D's birthday last weekend! It was a pretty standard tlist outing though - lunch, karaoke, and then loitering around and talking until late. It was really good to see everyone again (D, J, C, S, L, J, V, A, T); the last time I saw half of them was in January, I think.

Met up with J first and we shopped around a bit at MC before meeting up with T and walking over to the restaurant. Sometimes I don't know why I bother being early, considering we were left waiting outside for a good 30 minutes at least before everyone else showed up. Post-lunch we headed over to Photo Plus to meet up with V and take sticker photos. It's also been reiterated to me that I should never give directions, I am so terrible at it, sigh. There was a moment of extreme confusion when we finally met up with L, though. It's like she's a stranger magnet. We caught her talking to a guy, who we all assumed was someone she knew, except that he...wasn't? But in any case, he left as soon as we all showed up and I was holding onto L.

Karaoke was pretty normal, for us. J showed up around halfway, and S towards the end. I never want to go to Partyworld again though, the system is far too confusing for me to operate. I'm also pretty sure the staff were somewhat annoyed with us too, what with our frequent requests for drinks and photo taking and general loudness. We also had a group of guys randomly stick their heads into our room and ask if they could have any one of our numbers. L also later confided that one had approached her after she exited the toilets. Karaoke always serves to point out how different it is to be good at a language, and having memorised something in a language, though.

The highlight of karaoke was definitely D's reaction to our cake for her though. What we did was find a picture that we knew would cause her to scream and have Michel's print it onto the top of the cake. I had no idea that was even possible, but it really was the best idea. I'm really glad I recorded the moment for keepsakes; it was priceless and she definitely really appreciated it. I also really love eating birthday cake. There's just something about birthday cake that makes it that little bit more delicious than regular cake. Sometimes I walk up the road to the shops around closing time to see if there are any unbought birthday cakes that I can take home and enjoy.

After karaoke we walked around for a bit in little groups, just talking, until someone decided they wanted frozen yoghurt. We traipsed downstairs for that and ended up sitting around in the food court for a good hour, eating and just talking about things. J and L ended up leaving around 7, and C perhaps a little later, before the rest of us relocated to a different table to chat about life and fandom things until we all ended up leaving. I was, all the while, plagued with texts from L about older men hitting on her. I worry about her a lot; this kind of thing happens far too often to her. But she got home safely, which is what matters.

Today I went to K's house to hang out and have dinner. I was actually pretty worried on the way over, since it's roughly a 15-20 minute walk from the bus stop to her house and I hadn't been there in so long that I was almost convinced I was walking down the wrong streets. But I got there in the end! I haven't seen her in so long; we've both been so busy with uni, and she works pretty much every free moment that she has. There were a few awkward moments when it was evident that we'd been apart for a while and had grown in different directions, but that's only to be expected. It wasn't bad, just a little surprising, I suppose. K's always been the type with whom it's easy to slip into the old patterns with, and it's always been that way in the past, so it stopped me up short a few times.

It's just K, F and their dad at home so her house is always a great place to be in, especially since F is so obsessed with cooking. K and I hooked up her DDR system and basically flailed around a lot while F and her dad made dinner, on the basis that we would do dishes afterwards. K and I are both stupidly unfit (I should really use these holidays to work on that; let's see how long that mindset lasts though) and stupidly uncoordinated. It probably didn't help that I wasn't really familiar with the songs either, but that's part of what made it so fun.

Dinner was a ridiculous affair, full of talking over the top of each other and casual jibes and life, despite there only being four of us. F's cooking has definitely improved since the last time I was over too. There was pumpkin soup, potatoes stuffed with an assortment of delicious herbs, and prawn paella. She also made these really delicious strawberry and brie tartlets for dessert.

Post-dinner and dishes, K, F and I settled down for What Would You Do, which our group plays on a fairly regular basis. It is basically exactly as it sounds: someone poses a situation and you all explain what you'd do in the situation. The aim to come up with increasingly outrageous or conflicting situations for each other to try and explain away. My favourite of the night was definitely the volcano situation, despite the fact that we don't have volcanoes here. It was probably our most ridiculous combined answer, wherein F argued that the signs of imminent eruption would probably have been obvious so we would have had pre-prepared packs and wouldn't have to waste time on packing, and that she would only really need to get the rest of us into the car. Upon which I pointed out that driving would really be kind of a waste of time because everyone would be driving and the roads would be jammed up and K said something along the lines of just going to hang out on the top of a skyscraper or hijacking a helicopter regardless of none of us knowing how to operate one.

K dropped me home around 11.30? although we sat in the driveway of my house for a good 10 minutes after that just talking a bit more. We made tentative plans to get together with the rest of the C4 before the holidays end, though with everyone's schedules being so busy, I'm not sure it'll happen. All I can do is hope that it does, though.

like one, two, three, start afresh

Today my brother officially moved into his house. Though it's not moving in, exactly, since he's still going to be living at home because it's closer to work. In any case, his house is now officially fit to live in. If you discount the noticeable lack of any kind of furniture. It's stocked with his clothes and toiletries and kitchen utensils and cutlery and non-perishable foods though. I'm not really sure why we had to spend the entire day there though. After my mother did some incomprehensible Chinese ritual, we carted everything inside. 

I am clearly not cut out to ever try to assemble anything, even when given written directions. Instead, I got relegated to washing and putting things away. There really wasn't a lot to do and I spent the better part of the afternoon just lying on the floor on my phone, writing, and then napping when I got cold. Since it's a new developmental area the reception, and the 3G, is sketchy at best so there wasn't a whole lot I could really do. 

I'm not really sure what he's going to do with the house now though. I guess eventually it'll go up for rent? I can't imagine any of us moving in there, since it's a good 40-45 minute drive out of the city. I really like the set up of the house though, particularly the open kitchen-living-dining area. We're still working on the backyard though - it still needs to be paved and grassed and fenced off. The surrounding area is really nice too! There's a playground and a walking circuit just out the back, and the shopping centre is only about 15 minutes walk away. 

I don't really think of my brother as old, or even that much older than me, in any sense. That he actually owns a house now is sort of an odd thing to think about. It's like he should be in a steady relationship and preparing to get married or something like that. 

would you lend me some of your time?

After a prolonged period of time away from a certain group of people, I always overestimate my ability to socialise with them. Either that, or I somehow seem to convince myself that I was better friends with them than I was, and that they will actually make concerted efforts to talk to me and include me in the conversation. It's kind of a vicious cycle, wherein everyone else seems to have fun and I am left feeling stupid and ridiculous for ever entertaining the notion that people actually enjoy my company.

The thing is, I value everyone that has passed through my life, regardless of how fleeting. Unless you've done something monumentally stupid to make me dislike, I usually think of you fondly and will want to go out of my way to see you and talk to you and find out how your life has been, provided there's been a suitable amount of time since the last time I happened to go out or run into you. Except that, of course, not everyone feels like this. Particularly when they're closer to everyone else who is not you and happens to be in attendance.

It's a little disappointing to go to an event and end up talking to less than half the attendees. I guess it could have been worse. At least H didn't really know anyone else there either, so once she arrived I almost exclusively talked to her. Out of all the others who attended, the only one I semi-regularly speak to was S, and that only because we share a unit together this semester. It got slightly better once we sat down for dinner though, if only by virtue of the fact that everyone concentrates at least a little more on eating than on talking.

The food was delicious and it was a lovely place to be, I have to give N that. We booked out the back room, and ended up re-arranging the tables to make it a little easier to talk. There was also a man stationed in the alcove singing intermittenly during the night. If I'm remembering correctly, there were pasta dishes with chips, salad and calamari rings for starters; a steak dish or chicken parmigiana alternated as the main, while dessert was vanilla ice cream, blueberry and marshmallow pizza and nutella spread between toasted pita. There was also ice cream birthday cake!

It was a pretty subdued affair on my end, although I suppose some of the others would beg to differ. It was pretty fun to see M and V interacting with the children who kept running through the room, anyway. I've always been the type to sit back and let everything happen around me though; provided others are enjoying themselves, I can sort of forget how excluded I am. That sounds pretty bad, but it doesn't upset me that much, I think. Most of the time, I just watch and think about all the different ways I could write this slice of life. I still ended up staying longer than originally planned, if only because I always feel guilty on skipping out on birthdays before cake, even if I know it's not my fault. Living a ridiculous distance from everyone else has its distinct disadvantages.

I enjoyed being able to see everyone who attended (V, M, J, L, I, S, H, N, A, D, T, are all that I can remember though) even if I didn't talk to most of them. It was a nice reminder of a time of the past.

love, love, love 大家都需要

Wang Leehom's Open Fire Music Man II concert had its Melbourne stop last night. Anyone who knows me knows that Leehom is one of my absolute all-time favourite artists, and that without him I wouldn't be into Asian music at all. It's been a dream of mine for years to see him live, and it feels amazing to be able to finally check it off the list.

Attending was definitely the best decision I've made all year; Leehom was really super sweet the entire time and I had pretty fantastic seats (courtesy of getting tickets within the first three hours? Haha). I only partially regret not getting VIP seats, if only because of the extra close view and contact. Security kept having to grab people who tried to duck past the ropes to get into VIP when they all started crowding because Leehom was reaching out. My parents, though, would have refused to let me go anywhere for months afterwards if I had insisted on it though. The fanpacks that were on every seat were great though.

I've always been a sucker for ballads, especially ones in Chinese. I find that sad things are often some of the most beautiful to me. I've always had an affinity for anyone's ability to play instruments, too; perhaps because I struck out and knew I would never be anything of note at piano, despite my efforts. It was an incredible experience to be treated to Leehom playing the piano, violin, erhu and guitar all in one night. Despite how easy it is to jam to Leehom's upbeat songs, the best part was definitely the acapella. Although it was pre-filmed, it was still ridiculously cute and ridiculously good. I love seeing anyone of fame joke around and goof off a little. That Leehom did it with five or six other versions of himself was just a bonus.

The World Vision video was gorgeous and just went to show that my unfaltering love in Leehom isn't undeserved. He is such a genuinely good person, it hurts me. He kept reminding people in the VIP section not to push and to be careful, and when one girl apparently looked like she was about to get crushed, he pulled her onto the stage. He didn't even blink when she impulsively hugged him - he just hugged her back. He also hugged a baby and I think I was about a thousand times more jealous of that baby than the girl.

It was a really wonderful night and I cried when it was over. I still sob a little when I look at all my fancams. The concert was probably the highlight of my entire year, I really don't think there could be anything to top it for me.