SPACE PIRATES

That is all.

I don't know the exact details of how yet, but I'll get there. Hopefully.

전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.

cos i'm dreaming that i'm sinking again

it ain't easy you know, to leave the darkness behind

I feel sick every time I start working towards what's coming. There are too many things I still don't know, and not enough time to even begin to start learning. I shouldn't be so afraid, not when I knew this was what I was signing up for. But I am, and I was equally-but-probably-more terrified by it back then. I guess I thought that in the time leading up to it, I would learn to be okay. I'm not really sure why I thought that, not when even in the months leading up to that decision I was still bursting into tears in front of my class at having to stand up there. I've never been confident in any ability. 

Even just thinking about what I need to do makes my stomach constrict, makes me feel lightheaded, nausea creeping up in my throat and tears clouding my vision. 

At this point, it's basically just the fear of stopping that's keeping me going. There are ways to deal with just about anything. It's easier to not allow yourself to think beyond the next day, the next hour, the next minute, if that's what it takes. (It does.) Things will be okay. (But it's always hardest to believe.) 

Something else is that I'm tired. Tired of never having enough time for anything. For myself, for doing the things that I want or need to do, for seeing and spending time with the people that I want to see. I know that part of it is because this semester is structured so oddly, and I know that things will get better eventually, but it doesn't change how I feel. And I know that in these weeks to come, I'm just going to be more and more tired. Truth be told, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through without breaking down. I don't know if I can go for so long without a reprieve, without-- I'm a touch-dominant person, you know? And no matter what you can say to me, or how much I can tell myself that I believe it, believe you, these words are empty without the tangibility of you by my side. I need to be able to parcel away time where I can see you, take the time to remember who I am. 

I wish that I didn't feel like I'm falling apart in the first place. But I also wish that people wouldn't just believe me when I say I'm fine. This isn't to say that I want people doubting me all the time, or to think that I'm incapable of handling my own life, but when I think you know that I'm not going alright or that I'm lying to you and you don't make an effort, it hurts. More than it originally does. But nor do I want to be the type of person who is always falling on others; sometimes, it's felt as though they're secretly thinking, judging, wishing that I would just get over it (get over myself). 

I've never wanted to be needy, I've always wanted to be better than that, to be the type who is needed. But the fact remains that I am and I always have been not needed but needy. I'm sorry. 

falling like that

I've been pretty abysmal at updating here recently. In my defense, the past few weeks have been pretty busy with various things, whether it be outings, or the New Year period, or family related events. I've been unwell for the last few days too, which hasn't really contributed anything towards my desires to catch myself up. I keep finding myself staring at the draft posts I have saved here (12, thus far) and wondering if ever I'll have the energy to finish writing them up and post them. Probably not, since the details of that which I wanted to post about have become quite hazy in my mind.

Ahh, hopefully I'll do better once I've recovered. It should be soon, I think. Mum did some 刮痧 on my neck, shoulders and back last night, which should help. The vainer, shallower side of me cries about how going out will be difficult until the marks of it fade, considering it seems like the heat isn't going to abate too much any time soon; or at least, it would be difficult, if I had anyone I was going to see (I don't). I'll do a round up of the last month at the end of the week, but don't expect any kind of detail there.

I hope everyone (Who is even reading this? Nobody ever tells me) is feeling better and having a more enjoyable holiday than I have been recently. If you're out in any of the fire danger areas, do be careful and keep safe. Possessions mean nothing when compared with your life.

let's step up

Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.

I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.

I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.

C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.

I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.

I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.

Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.

ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.

shiny yellow lining oh so blinding

with my hands, gold bands

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

fuck fuck fuck and more fuck

There are an endless amount of things to do and not enough time to do them all in because I can't get started until I get over this emotional issue. All I want to do is curl up in bed or throw a tantrum, though that would not be productive at all and would only serve to make me even more frustrated.

I haven't failed anything since first year and I don't plan on doing it again. There's so much going wrong though, I don't know where to begin or what to do. I hate technology, I hate group assignments, I hate things being unclear, I hate not being able to find the time to even take care of my body - I hate these health problems, I hate you drawing attention to my lack of participation, I hate writing, I hate not being able to write, I hate not being able to see you, I hate you not contacting me, I hate not accomplishing things that I was supposed to do

I'm so fucking stressed and tired and just plain unhappy. And it just makes me so fucking frustrated and makes me want to cry. Or at least use the word 'fuck' a lot. I fucking hate that you think it's okay to just fucking not show up and leave me in the lurch with a flimsy as fuck excuse, then have the fucking nerve to just defer a semester and not even fucking bother to tell me about it for two fucking weeks and fuck me over for an assessment. I fucking hate that you're shoving this part onto me when I'm clearly the weakest of our six. I fucking hate that we're not doing shit until the last minute, that we're changing shit up in the fucking two days before the due date. I don't fucking care that it's not even worth all that much, I fucking care because doing this shit requires time and effort that I really don't fucking have right now, especially when you all fucking know about how I can barely even fucking sleep anymore.

Fuck uni, fuck you all, fuck all of this shit.

This is so fucking unfair, I just want it to all be fixed or over and done with. I just want to not fucking feel this way, like there's no fucking end in sight, like I'm helpless and strained end to end and under so much pressure to live up to expectations. I just want everything and, at this point, everyone, to go the fuck away so that I can fucking deal with my life again.

I hate feeling like everything is so fucking out of control and that I'm fucking up my entire life.

[x] remnants of a past

You usually try to avoid leaving at this time. On some days, the ones where it doesn't matter if you miss the first ten or so minutes of class, you leave later. Those days get you lectures from your mother on how precious time is; most days you just leave earlier to spare yourself from it all. Everything's busy at this time, sounds and images that blur and distort as you make your way down the pavement. The streets are roaring with the engines of cars, buses; if you listen closely you can hear the alarm bells of the trams and the boom gates at the train station. 

Your bag sits heavy on your shoulder, dragging you down on one side both with its weight and the hair that's been trapped underneath the strap. You've been growing it out lately - you don't trust anyone in your family to come near you with scissors (years of uneven cuts and bangs in primary school taught you that, though nobody cared about that back then. It's only looking back at those photos now that has you cringing) and you've never made an appointment at the hairdresser. When you reach to lift the strap and tug the strands free, you stumble off-balance, figures pushing past you on each side of the narrow sidewalk. When you look up again, there are two boys with backpacks so large that you can't even see their torsos behind them racing ahead to the pedestrian lights, desperate to start crossing before the lights change and the traffic starts up again.

They don't make it and there's a brief battle over who pushes the button as you draw up and come to stand behind them. The boys are very young, their voices not yet broken; it makes you smile a little. A pair of sneakers enters your peripheral vision and you take a glance over at the woman in her beige suit. It looks a bit ridiculous, sneakers with a suit, but you can sympathise with that when you spot the top of a black heel peeking out from her handbag. If you were running around all day in high heels, you'd want a pair of comfortable shoes at the start and the end of the day, too. She doesn't notice your glance, she's too busy chattering into her mobile phone. You can't hear anything she's saying, her words blending into the constant drone of sound, but there's a nice timbre to her voice. Before you can turn your attention back to the pedestrian lights another voice cuts into your hears, loud and piercing. 

The voice belongs to a girl whose group of friends are arrayed around her. Her school blazer is unbuttoned, the dress tight across her chest with the first button undone, white socks slouching around skinny ankles. The whole ensemble is dragged slightly off centre by the Country Road bag draped over her shoulder. She drags manicured nails through her hair and continues to talk. She pauses as one of the other girls chimes in and glances around at the crowd of people waiting. Too late, you move to look away but she's already caught you, turning her head to look at you. You avert your eyes quickly, ducking your head to check the time on your watch. 

You can feel her gaze lingering on you, appraising you, and you are suddenly so horribly conscious of your faded school uniform (it was your sister's before it was yours because "it's still got some wear in it left") and your scuffed shoes. You can feel the heat rising in your cheeks, spreading flush down your neck, even as she turns back to her friends. You can hear her make a comment, and as the lights change and the signal starts to beat, all her friends burst into high-pitched giggles. 

You cross the road quickly, weaving between the people, and stride ahead so you can leave behind the girls who are dawdling across the road in a straight line, immersed in their gossip. You feel the prickles of annoyance, hating them for their obvious vacuity, but hating yourself more for envying it. You could never be like them. You have your friends but you could never be like them, exuding such casual indifference, engaging in such mindless conversation. 

But you wish you could. You wish you could be one of those rich private school girls, beautiful and confident and so goddamn sure of your place in the world. 

***


When one has something they really don't want to do, there are suddenly a thousand things that suddenly seem so much more appealing. For me, in this past week, it entailed sorting out a box of books and papers from my high school days that had been haphazardly shoved into my closet.

My mother usually bemoans the fact that I like to hoard. Somehow, I simply cannot bear to get rid of anything. "But what if one day..." I tell myself, as I pack away yet more boxes full of papers and trinkets that I doubt I will ever look at again. Still, sometimes hoarding is not such a bad thing, I think. At the very least, you have the opportunity to stumble across a multitude of goods you had forgotten about. In my case, it was the excerpt from above. Judging from the contents, it's from...2006? or thereabouts. I was thirteen, then.


A lot of things have changed since I wrote this. It's funny how, in some ways, I feel I haven't changed at all.