that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

and where he ended up no one knew

The picture of you in my mind is hazy. There are so many little details that I've forgotten: your height against mine, the exact shape of your smile, the spikes of your hair, the cadence of your voice and the tones of your laughter, the gestures you would make.

But there are some things that aren't so easy to forget. Some things that time can't blur from memory.

It's easy to remember you. A wonderful person with a good heart who welcomed so many of us into a home when we didn't know we needed it, who inspired us to enjoy life.

Forever eighteen, so brilliantly alive and vibrant.

Is it unfair of me to say this? It must be infinitely harder for the others. But even so...

Seven years has gone so fast. I've lived more of my life without you than I did with you.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

the run and go

- Sealife Aquarium ; Tackier than I remembered it being since that time I went with K, M and C, but I still had fun! Stingrays the best, so cute *O* Ice cream at Crown and then dinner at The Merrywell.
- Dentist ; apparently I haven't made much progress, but it was expected to be slow anyway. It's hard to be patient though when you want instant results. Next appointment is in May.
- The Book Thief ; Ahhh, I'd been so excited for this since the making was announced because I'd read the book before and really enjoyed it. I thought the movie adaption was pretty great, although that might have been because of the acting rather than anything else.
- Richmond Lunar New Year Festival ; Met up with O, X and H and wandered the stalls for a few hours, getting sunburnt in the process, before heading over to Docklands to visit C at work. Ice cream at the Smith St Grocer, and then dinner, of a sort, with X, O and C at Easy Cafe. A quick visit to Maxim's, and then Gong Cha, and sitting around MC just talking.
- House sitting for C ; PUPPIES OuO Cuddles them forever. Pepi will forever be my baby, so small and fluffy wwwwww
- Dinner with SAMA people ; Oriental Spoon and then The Lab for ice cream, though I didn't have any. It just isn't that good to me.
- The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ; I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't yet seen it (why haven't you, what are you doing?!) but suffice to say that I still enjoyed it more than the first part, even with the unnecessary parts that weren't true to the book. Ugh, Tauriel.
- Picnic ; where I met up with some of my lovely tlist friends who I haven't seen in quite a while, and met some new ones too, accompanied by cake and snacks, dip and ice cream and peppero and other foods. B also gifted me with a copy of Kusabi <3
- 47 Ronin ; in which A and I shrieked over Jin's every appearance, commented about the stupidity contained within, got told to "Shut the fuck up!", and V found her JJ&E lookalikes, and we were all thoroughly confused by why it took them so long to make such a mediocre film.
- 4 months ; Apple pie ! On my own... hA
- Lunch with H ; noodles and dumplings and then hanging out and complaining and just generally catching up at the park :3
- Kitchen Workshop ; Thanks to F&Co. Somehow we ended up wrangling free entry. The fare was decent
- CNY ; explored the stalls around Crown after dinner, watched some noodle making and scored a ton of packets of free sauces. Had F&Co. over for 年夜饭, and then again (minus E) for 鱼(余)生. Baked a banana Mars Bar cake. Yum cha at Shark Fin House. Hot pot for dinner for 元宵节. Altogether a pretty good new year period.
- Lunch with S ; dumplings and jjajangmyeon at HGG, and then bubble tea at Chatime
- Skype dates with T and K <33333
- L's birthday ; Yum Cha at Gold Leaf Docklands and then got G to drive me home
- T17 - The Remix Redux ; I can't wait until this is over. I didn't think it'd be so draining when I volunteered and everything started off. Still, I'm satisfied with how we've done, considering all the issues we've faced.
- Thrifting ; picked up some new pairs of shoes, dresses and books, yay.
- Dad, WJ and Mum's birthdays in the span of a week ; Three different cakes and dinners at home :3
- Valentine's Day ; Skype date <3 Also went for a walk with Mum and T in the afternoon to pick up V and almost got hit by a car on the way back, which was completely not our fault. A sign that I should stay indoors, I believe.
- Facetime ; mostly Mum wanted to wish my aunt and uncle happy new year, and then my sister and I chatted with my cousins for a bit. It was a little frustrating but good nonetheless.

I shall attempt to blog more frequently, but I suspect that things may slow even further since uni starts again soon. On top of that, I think education placements run through most of April and the beginning of May, so I'll probably be too tired every day from dealing with and teaching teenagers to talk about what I'm doing. I'll try to keep note of everything that happens though. I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of their holidays.

freeze like this like that so that this moment will last forever

It's hard to think about depressing things like the fact that it's hard to stay in touch when you don't have a lot in common with your friends anymore, all too busy with your own lives. We learned to manage our lives without each other, and survived. Perhaps it's not the path we'd have chosen if we'd known what we do now, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the people who are necessary to me now won't be later. I can accept fading connections, but I hope that my affection will never fade. I hope the love I have for them will be enough to keep us close.

It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.

Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.

You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.

21 love letters

♡ 01
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.

♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.

♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.

♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.

♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.

♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but  I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.

♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.

♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.

♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.

♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.

♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.

♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.

♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.

♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.

♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?

♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.

♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.

♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.

♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.

time spent walking through memories

Since H can't make it to my birthday celebration, he took me out for sushi train last night, after which we walked to Gelato Messina for ice cream. It's been a few months since we last went out somewhere and we're not really the type to be in contact via the internet so there were more than enough things to talk about. I'm fairly certain that I spent more time complaining about things in my life than anything else, although H doesn't ever really have any advice to give. Anyway, if he minds, he's never made it obvious.

He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.

Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.

light it up

Semi-short post just to say that today I saw O for the first time in roughly a week and a half, yay. I brought Toblerone cheesecake as a semi-belated gift-thing since yesterday was his birthday, and then we just sat around for a few hours. (What do normal people do? Whenever I go anywhere with anyone all I ever do is just sit around because I'm a lazy fuck.)

I also had dinner at Laksa King as an early celebration for my older sister's birthday. We were late for our booking, not to mention my parents were late, which caused the head waiter to glare at us for a bit. Whatever. Dinner ended up being a shorter affair than usual, which was in part due to the fact that there's always a line waiting and also in part because there was a bit of a wait in between the arrival of all the dishes that we ordered. (Beef rendang, sweet and sour pork, gado gado, Ipoh fried noodles, Laksa King fried rice, plus coconut rice.) We still ended up ordering too much though, and ended up taking the remainders home to my brother, who couldn't make it since he was working overtime.

After that, we drove back to D's house. Mostly we investigated their house, since it's been a good like, 6 months at least since we last saw it. Their fish are super creepy though, but they've decorated pretty well. I guess it's pretty safe to say that my sister's officially moved in there (even though all her mail still comes here) since all her things are everywhere, cluttering up space. We also had birthday cake. The cake was actually super cute and tasty, even though it was quite small.

what's cooler than being cool

Since T leaves in almost exactly a month, I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible. She's one of the few people that I genuinely like seeing and talking to on a regular basis so next year's going to be pretty hard, considering the time difference and how exhausted she'll be from working all the time. I think the distance will most likely change some things, but I have confidence that we'll make it through without any serious problems. We are, after all, fated to be friends in a multitude of ways.

We met up in the city around lunch time yesterday to have a cafe date. We ended up with a platter to share and individual drinks (milk for T and dark for me), which looked absolutely amazing. I think out of the entire platter, the only thing that we were less than impressed with was the cake. It was incredibly dense and while the topping was great, the cake itself paled in comparison to everything else on the platter. We were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half, though we definitely should have dragged it out for longer considering how hot it was outside. It was pretty funny because our table looked a thousand times more romantic than the tables of the legitimate couples that were in there.

After that we headed over to Boost so T could grab a watermelon crush, and then we wandered over to JB Hi-Fi so that I could make a vague attempt at finding an OST for L's birthday since she collects like a crazy person who has too much money to spare. I'm not entirely sure why it is exactly that every time I go out somewhere with T, we end up sitting on the floor. It was actually a little bit awkward because every time a store assistant would walk into the aisle we'd hurriedly make it seem as if we were looking at DVD titles on the shelves. I have to say though that we did find some pretty great things lingering in the boxes under the shelves. At some point I'll have to go back to get those. We also checked out Cotton On Body and Daiso for a while before heading down to meet her mother after work so we could get a lift from the station to T's house.

The trip was pretty non-eventful, apart from the idiot who was playing his music through his phone speakers loud enough for basically the entire carriage to hear it. T's mum decided to take a walk after we reached the house, so T and I changed our clothes and sort of just lounged around various parts of the house until she got back and we decided to have our pasta and meatballs for dinner. Post-dinner we rolled back into T's room, just talking and then looking up easy recipes for baking. I was super tired and so I napped for about an hour while she did laptop/internet things before getting up for baking.

We'd decided on vanilla cupcakes with frosting, except the recipe made 24 cupcakes and considering T's mum is on a Lite n Easy diet so we decided to half it. Which caused a bit of confusion when we tried to figure out half of thirds. But we got there in the end and I got to watch while T wrestled out, and with, the Kenwood kitchen aid they'd bought for her mum's 50th a few weeks back. Making the cupcakes themselves went fine, and we ended up putting some chocolate and macarons into the middle of half of them; the real problem started when we started trying to make the frosting because it turned out that T didn't have any icing sugar left in the house. Utilising the wonders of technology, we Googled a substitute recipe and were informed by the internet that we could just blend normal, granulated sugar down and use that instead. So we did. And it did not go so well. The frosting recipe called for a stupid amount of sugar, to begin with, and then we couldn't blend the sugar down fine enough, and then we may have added too much liquid. It's also possible that the oils from the butter began to separate as well. Eventually we tried fixing it like we did the last time that we messed up frosting - by melting it down, except that didn't work either because as soon as we took it off the stove the sugar started granulating again. In the end we just ditched it all down the sink. All up, baking and cleaning up took a ridiculous 3 hours. Never trust the preparation/cooking times on recipes - they're never right.

We Youtubed a bit, rolled around in bed and talked before finally falling asleep around 2.30-3-ish. Originally, we set the alarm for about 9am; in reality, we ended up getting up around 11. I showered while T had breakfast, and then we swapped over. It's funny how I've stayed at S's house a lot more than I've stayed at T's, yet T's house is where I feel a thousand times more at home. I packed up all my things, including my Christmas gift from T (a hilarious cross-stitch) and we headed over to uni for AXPP. Not that I particularly care about Pokemon - I just wanted to see/touch a few people and eat free food. I am all about free things, don't you know?

90% of the people there were people that I either didn't know or didn't really like, and those I did like were pretty occupied with Pokemon (obviously) or other people, so T and I ended up hiding out in corners/in TLS/the bathroom for most of the time. T mostly just laughed or fondled her Pokemon while I selca'd and snapchatted in all locations we were in. Whatever. After lunch, we hung around for the first round of the tournament, and then ran away to get McFlurry's. I turned mine into a spider using one of the eight cans of soft drink that I walked away from AXPP with, ha. Because everything in Australia is a goddamn spider. Fun times.

don't stop sexy boyz

Yesterday I finally met up with my 妹妹 L for the first time in a few months! She was late in meeting me, which was fine - I went for a latte at Starbucks while I waited for her. The weather was not great, but that wasn't such a problem since we'd made plans to go back to her apartment anyway.

After she showed up, we walked a few blocks to this delightful French restaurant/cafe place for lunch that L had been to before. Since both of us are not particularly large eaters, we chose a few things to share. We ended up with French style pizza and crepes, as well as a bowl of fries because, well, who doesn't love fries, let's be real here. L also got an iced chocolate while I stuck with water. Even though the portions looked quite small, they were really filling ! We also got raspberry mousse slice and a strawberry tart to take away so that we could have dessert a little later, once we were done digesting a little.

Both of us have the habit of forgetting that we're actually meant to be dieting so we opted to walk back to L's apartment, stopping by at this super fancy supermarket on the way for juice. For some bizarre reason, strangers always talk to us when we're out together; it's more than a little creepy. This time, it happened to be the guy re-stocking the shelves. After making small talk and giving us advice on juice, he proceeded to comment on how we both had really good English, at which L and I both exchanged a look and told him that well, yeah, we'd been here for a while. (I was born here; L migrated from China when she was 3, iirc.) So that was not all that fun, but we managed to get back to her apartment without any other mishaps.

L cleaned up her room a bit while I sat around on her bed, and then we set up for what she dubbed our JE fangirling date. I gave her pretty much everything that I'd been able to fit onto my harddrive and we spent the next five or so hours alternating between past and present videos. She also tried to introduce me to some of the juniors! This probably would have worked better if she wasn't trying to point them out through video because no matter how HD a video is, when someone is not the focus it's pretty hard to make them out properly and make judgments on whether you find them qtp or not. We watched some of this year's Shokura's, as well as part of the SZ concert, some AnS, pv's and a bunch of other assorted things. I've never understood why people watch reaction videos, because I honestly find them not that funny unless you actually know the person? Also because it's 1028488934902x better if you're there with them in person. I'm pretty sure L cries some real tears during the afternoon at some point. The Star Rider video was pretty much her breaking point though, since she saw U's hair and was actually just lost for words.

I ended up staying until about 7.30-ish? which was a lot later than I'd originally planned, since I was meant to be meeting up with people for P's birthday, oops. So I trammed back into the city (and got caught for apparently not touching on even though I swear I did, ugh, going to have to appeal that when I get sent the letter) and met up with them only for cake. Not that I really minded, because I was actually still full from lunch. Terrible weather aside, it was a really good day. Which was made even better by getting home and watching L sob over Twitter as she made her way through a bunch of things that she'd never seen before.

L: "I REALLY CANT STOP CRYING MY HEART IS SPLITTING INTO LITTLE PIECES...I am literally going to die". Best moments of the day.

noodles on the mind

feeding my appetite in ways I can't explain

let's step up

Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.

I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.

I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.

C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.

I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.

I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.

Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.

ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

an interlude away

October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.

I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?

G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.

I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.

T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.

M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.

living life hard until we die

SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.

I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.

C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.

I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.

Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out

Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.

L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.

I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.

let your hair down

There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!

T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

can't stop the music, this moment is for you tonight

Karaoke is honestly one of my favourite pastimes, regardless of what kind of group I'm going with. This is, though, still somewhat dependent on whether the group allows me to do all the songs that I want. Even if I don't though, I still enjoy seeing everyone else have fun with whatever songs they've inputted. Seeing people not care about pitch or tone and just have fun always makes me smile.

The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).

It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.

I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.

Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.

I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.

sun is in the sky, why would i want to be anywhere else?

The weather's been gorgeous lately, for Winter, at least. I went out with C on Wednesday, since exams are officially over and done with. It'd been just over a month since I last saw her, which doesn't seem quite so long, but is when you've become accustomed to seeing someone every other day for three months straight. I had an interesting encounter on my way to meeting her, but that's for another time, perhaps. Now that she's moved houses, K Rd is that convenient almost-equal distance from both of us.

The French cafe has been a favourite of both of ours for a while, so it seemed like a good place to have our first official date. Although we met up around lunch time, I suppose it'd be rather more appropriate to say that we had an early afternoon tea instead, having ordered an apple crumble and a mixed berry danish to share. C got Earl Grey while I, having had not quite as much sleep, got a latte. And then proceeded to convince C to procure me some extra sugar packets. It was pricier than a normal cafe, but well worth it for the plush seats we secured and the lovely atmosphere, I feel. We chatted and caught up about exams and other life happenings. I think we spent the better part of the hours there reminiscing about our past, younger selves - primary and high school memories both. It's interesting how even though we come from different places, some things are constants.

Whenever I reflect on all the time I spend with C, the clearest is always how loud we are in comparison to others. We've always been loud individually, but when we're together, I suspect it's a little intimidating (?) for the people around us. We stayed in the cafe until it closed so there was plenty of opportunity to notice how very little the volume in the room seemed to decrease every time the other customers left.

What upsets me most about Winter is how quickly the sun sets. At this point, it's literally an hour or so until the sky is pitch black. Still, we vacated the cafe before the sun set, and walked back to the main section of K Rd for ice cream. I feel like a litre of ice cream would've been lovely, but in the end we settled for a cup of three flavours - cookie dough, Baileys with almonds and some odd combination named Stairway to Heaven. Even though it was starting to get dark we still sat outside, during which time we had an intriguing conversation on fandoms and fic, before she saw me off onto my bus and we parted ways.

I caught up with S on Thursday morning for brunch. The weather was not so great in the morning, cold and windy, but it shaped up later. We were inside for most of the time, anyway. I hadn't seen her since May either, and a lot had transpired since then - what with uni and her trip to Japan and everything. I think that's the part I enjoy most about having "real life fandom friends" - friends who I can go out and see, but still talk fandom with. Perhaps it helps that most of the ones that I do go out with tend to be more rational, more accepting and willing to talk through issues. Breakfast was a ridiculous size and I felt full the rest of the day, which was a bonus, I suppose. We talked for a few hours, about all sorts of things, and then S went back to her grandparents, and I shopped for a bit before coming home.

I should've done a lot more after coming home on both days than I did, but well. I need to start making to-do lists again.