don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

skeletons grow stronger when kept in the rearview

even though leaving c was the hardest thing i've done and i was so damn terrified for so long afterwards this hurts infinitely more. back then at least i knew there wasn't anything to save. i knew i had to get out before i got even more fucked up or before anyone else got hurt too.

i didn't know anything this time.

maybe i've just been pretending this whole time that all the things they said to me were wrong.

i'm not enough. i'm not worth it. i never will be.

thoughts from my 17 y/o self

don't love someone more than they love you. it will only hurt you. you will have more lights off hours than lights on. protect yourself. 

trawled back through some of my old blogs again. sometimes i wish i'd kept these thoughts closer to my heart. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up then. 

losing sleep for days, is this just a phase?

You feel guilty a lot. You're not anywhere near the best friend, even when you do happen to be at your best. You think that you can't blame others for sliding you back down the scale to 'friend', 'acquaintance', for being irate with you. You're sorry for it, for withdrawing; though what does that matter when you don't--won't say it to their face. You want to be better, but--

You don't like to talk. You like to think about what you're going to say before you say it (which doesn't always necessarily work out, but you like to Try) because you want to be able to say what you mean, and because there's Too Much inside your head. It's hard to keep track of all the things you need to do and to say without letting anything else irrelevant spill out. You can't risk it. You need to keep yourself to yourself, because your mind is Too Much, Too Big, for an outlet that is as small as your mouth, as the words you let scrawl across the page. You can't let anyone else know what horribly beautiful (or is it beautifully horrible?) things are locked inside your mind. 

There's something that shouldn't be messed with, and that thing is your mind. Really, you don't want to be crazy. You've heard it before - you're a little different (or what others call 'special' when they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying what they really mean). You're a little bit risky, a little bit scary, a lot not enough. You've always wished you could be brave enough to be what you admire in others. 

You're an introvert, you know. Perhaps you're just simply not built for interaction. People like you don't function with society. 

you say things with your mouth

I've been blown off by pretty much every person I've tried to make plans with in the last few days - week. This ranges from helping to organise plans and then being cut out of the plans or people forgetting about confirming with me, to something as simple as last minute issues. The latter I can understand, provided that you, as the party who can't make it, offer another suitable time once the issue is dealt with/over/whatever. But apparently even this is beyond (most of) the people that I know and, quite frankly, I'm wondering why I am still friends with you.

I'm fucking sick of making an effort and being made to feel as though I am unimportant, as though you don't have any time to spare for me. So, fuck you, and you, and you, and all of you.

These are not the kind of posts I want to be making, but well, there have been more bad days than good, so let me have this.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

cos i'm dreaming that i'm sinking again

it ain't easy you know, to leave the darkness behind

I feel sick every time I start working towards what's coming. There are too many things I still don't know, and not enough time to even begin to start learning. I shouldn't be so afraid, not when I knew this was what I was signing up for. But I am, and I was equally-but-probably-more terrified by it back then. I guess I thought that in the time leading up to it, I would learn to be okay. I'm not really sure why I thought that, not when even in the months leading up to that decision I was still bursting into tears in front of my class at having to stand up there. I've never been confident in any ability. 

Even just thinking about what I need to do makes my stomach constrict, makes me feel lightheaded, nausea creeping up in my throat and tears clouding my vision. 

At this point, it's basically just the fear of stopping that's keeping me going. There are ways to deal with just about anything. It's easier to not allow yourself to think beyond the next day, the next hour, the next minute, if that's what it takes. (It does.) Things will be okay. (But it's always hardest to believe.) 

Something else is that I'm tired. Tired of never having enough time for anything. For myself, for doing the things that I want or need to do, for seeing and spending time with the people that I want to see. I know that part of it is because this semester is structured so oddly, and I know that things will get better eventually, but it doesn't change how I feel. And I know that in these weeks to come, I'm just going to be more and more tired. Truth be told, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through without breaking down. I don't know if I can go for so long without a reprieve, without-- I'm a touch-dominant person, you know? And no matter what you can say to me, or how much I can tell myself that I believe it, believe you, these words are empty without the tangibility of you by my side. I need to be able to parcel away time where I can see you, take the time to remember who I am. 

I wish that I didn't feel like I'm falling apart in the first place. But I also wish that people wouldn't just believe me when I say I'm fine. This isn't to say that I want people doubting me all the time, or to think that I'm incapable of handling my own life, but when I think you know that I'm not going alright or that I'm lying to you and you don't make an effort, it hurts. More than it originally does. But nor do I want to be the type of person who is always falling on others; sometimes, it's felt as though they're secretly thinking, judging, wishing that I would just get over it (get over myself). 

I've never wanted to be needy, I've always wanted to be better than that, to be the type who is needed. But the fact remains that I am and I always have been not needed but needy. I'm sorry. 

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

frustration

the word of the past however many days its been since i last posted here is, as the title implies, frustration. im starting to think that it would be better if i didnt try at all. it might look/sound/feel better for a short while but unfailingly it reverts back anyway. it doesnt make a difference after all. and hope still remains the most treacherous thing do you know?
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지

taking baby steps

It's hard to remember that we're all getting older sometimes. We celebrate birthdays, congratulate people on making it through another year of their life, but we never really feel all that much different because we're really only just one day older than we were yesterday, though our numerical age has increased.

I feel particularly young at times. Not normally, even though a part of my mind is conscious that I'm still considered the 'baby' amongst those I see the most often, but especially lately. Now I'm taking classes with people, working in pairs and groups with people who are anywhere from months to years to perhaps even decades older than I am. The discussions, viewpoints, abilities that we have make me feel my age more than I normally do. Why do I find it so difficult to become closer with these people who are older? I'm sure they have advice to give me, just as I do for them. Perhaps because, on the inside, I'm still ridiculously immature. Which is not to say that being younger in age automatically makes you immature, let's be clear about that.

On the other hand, in the past year and the few years to come, there's been that steady influx of posts from people who are graduating high school, or coming into their VCE and trying to make their decisions about what to do. These are posts that range in tone, but as the year progresses, I'm certain that there will be ever more posts in relation to 'the end of an era'. These posts make me feel my age, too, because these are people that I do often consider my equals (even if not in all areas of life), but it's easy to forget that they can be significantly younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until these posts make me remember that I left high school five years ago. Not last year, or the year before, but five years ago. It's a pretty significant amount of time, especially when I look back at how naive, reckless, carefree I was back then. I've grown, but I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, immature.

Last week, I accompanied my mother to an appointment with an eye specialist. I've known for a while that her eyesight was slowly going, but it's hard to be shown the visuals and be told that it's 'damaged' and probably 'irreparable'. It's hard to realise that my parents are getting old. Oh, I've always known it, of course, but it's never been a conscious thought that they're getting not simply older, but old. They struggle, are tired all the time, have all these health concerns, how they were surprised by their own ages this year. I can see that they, my mother especially, hates it all a bit. And it's shaming to not be more capable, in life, of taking care of myself, taking care of them. To be unable to be more adult, more grown-up.

But I'm trying a little bit at a time. There's still a long way to go.

don't try to hide, no need to lie

V and I haven't really spoken properly in about eight months or so. We used to be incredibly close but she moved away from Twitter, and even if I saw her on Skype, her name was always accompanied by the bright red sign of someone who was Busy and had Things To Do. I never wanted to feel like I was bothering her which is why it sort of came as a surprise the other day when I logged on and found a message waiting for me, asking if I was free on x date/time to video with her. I was, of course, because mostly my life revolves around activities that involve screaming on the internet and not on things in the outside world. 

So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.

The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong. 

It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.

Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have. 

falling like that

I've been pretty abysmal at updating here recently. In my defense, the past few weeks have been pretty busy with various things, whether it be outings, or the New Year period, or family related events. I've been unwell for the last few days too, which hasn't really contributed anything towards my desires to catch myself up. I keep finding myself staring at the draft posts I have saved here (12, thus far) and wondering if ever I'll have the energy to finish writing them up and post them. Probably not, since the details of that which I wanted to post about have become quite hazy in my mind.

Ahh, hopefully I'll do better once I've recovered. It should be soon, I think. Mum did some 刮痧 on my neck, shoulders and back last night, which should help. The vainer, shallower side of me cries about how going out will be difficult until the marks of it fade, considering it seems like the heat isn't going to abate too much any time soon; or at least, it would be difficult, if I had anyone I was going to see (I don't). I'll do a round up of the last month at the end of the week, but don't expect any kind of detail there.

I hope everyone (Who is even reading this? Nobody ever tells me) is feeling better and having a more enjoyable holiday than I have been recently. If you're out in any of the fire danger areas, do be careful and keep safe. Possessions mean nothing when compared with your life.

tired

Recently I haven't been feeling all that well. I might just be tired (of life? of what?) despite it only being less than three weeks into the new year. I guess feeling like I am a bother and annoyance is a pretty big part of it too. I'm not entirely sure there's been a day so far this year where I haven't felt bad about something or having unnecessarily whined or complained (or both) about something and bothered other people. It's stupid because I know there are some people who care but I still feel bad, ha. I don't want to say anything because it makes other people feel bad and that just makes me feel even worse and stupid so I guess I'd rather just shut up forever. I keep trying to feel better but it only really works for like five minutes before I go back to feeling down and dumb. 

Sorry.

ETA: um. happier posts soon. really. i promise. 

it's not you, it's me

Friendships have always fucked me up more than anything else. I've never thought that I would become that sort of self-involved person; I've always thought it was bullshit. I don't think I've done it in the past. But clearly I didn't feel so strongly then as I do now. Maybe that's why it didn't last, so perhaps I have been doing it wrong all along. But if it turns out that everything is a competition and this is what you sacrifice--I don't even know how to finish that. It seems so wrong in my head. I wonder whether M and G were right. I'm upset and I'm sorry.

So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?

here's a story you mightn't have heard

Little things hurt my feelings.

Great story, right?

and the cracks began to show

I've been sadly unexcited about a lot of things this year. Top of the list of things that I'm unenthused about would be Christmas. I have hardly listened to my Christmas playlist at all. Possibly this has to do with the fact that I've been feeling not so great this past week - even bordering on unhappiness, I suppose - which is hard to get over when you are so distanced from the people that make you feel better, in whatever little ways those may be.

Sometimes I think I need to sleep more, but I also think that I sleep too much. I used to be better than this, I feel. Better at pushing through, better at forcing things out of mind, better at dealing with life. I suspect I am a lot of things that I did not used to (want to) be. I'm not sure when, but somewhere along the way, I've been sapped of joy, creativity, energy, etc.

(Why am I so afraid?)

because you've had it too good recently

Sometimes, people are assholes. Sometimes, people are idiots. I fall into one, but more often and more likely both of these categories because things that I'm not good at seem to include being a decent person. I know there's a lot that needs work in who I am, I know that I'm lacking and there is so much I need to improve on, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who really does?) I've never thought that I would be one.

This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.

So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.

i think it's time to let this die

I suppose it's unfair to say that we're not friends.

I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.

You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.

K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.

Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.

I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".

walk right through me, i'm not really there

My biggest fear is and always has been, most likely always will be, that I am easily replaceable. (Forgettable? Discardable? My life is written in semantics.)

It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it? 

A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.

I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start. 

I'm sorry.