a fake handshake

words last forever but these ones are so empty.

do they come in an alienated form that only a few can understand?

sometimes it feels like this is an accident that was made to happen.

i'm sick of feeling this way, like i'm not sure of myself anymore, good enough anymore. if it's the way you really feel, i'd prefer if you'd just rip it off and make it clear. i'm tired of wondering whether it's all in my head or whether i'm reading the context clues the right way.

hold steady. 

act natural.

it blurs. 

sometimes things fall together; most of the time, things fall apart. 

this night that came again

The irritating thing about A is that she keeps trying to get me to talk about what happened with C, like this all stems back to those hellish eight months I endured six? years ago. And while maybe she has a point because I know that the entire situation fucked with my perceptions and ability to trust myself and set boundaries and ruined relationships, it's not all about the things that C inflicted on me and made me think. Years before we even met, it's always been me and my fucked up brain doing stupid shit and wanting everything to stop.

Some days I don't know if I even want to get better. How fucked up is that?

don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

you say things with your mouth

I've been blown off by pretty much every person I've tried to make plans with in the last few days - week. This ranges from helping to organise plans and then being cut out of the plans or people forgetting about confirming with me, to something as simple as last minute issues. The latter I can understand, provided that you, as the party who can't make it, offer another suitable time once the issue is dealt with/over/whatever. But apparently even this is beyond (most of) the people that I know and, quite frankly, I'm wondering why I am still friends with you.

I'm fucking sick of making an effort and being made to feel as though I am unimportant, as though you don't have any time to spare for me. So, fuck you, and you, and you, and all of you.

These are not the kind of posts I want to be making, but well, there have been more bad days than good, so let me have this.

here's a story you mightn't have heard

Little things hurt my feelings.

Great story, right?

tales of being mistaken for a hooker

Tales, because yeah, it's happened more than once

Password locked for reasons; hit me up if you really want to know.

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

trying emotions

For the stalkers who stalk (who is even reading this out there?): FUCK Y'ALL. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.

A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity. 

NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.

Real updates later, I guess.

dear so-called friends

If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.

The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.

I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.

I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.

listen up, because i'm making a statement

FUCK YOU.

We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.

Okay.

You can fuck right off, tyvm.

perhaps it's time you looked into personal space

Sometimes I think PDA is cute.

These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.

Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.

You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.

I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.

When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.

fuck fuck fuck and more fuck

There are an endless amount of things to do and not enough time to do them all in because I can't get started until I get over this emotional issue. All I want to do is curl up in bed or throw a tantrum, though that would not be productive at all and would only serve to make me even more frustrated.

I haven't failed anything since first year and I don't plan on doing it again. There's so much going wrong though, I don't know where to begin or what to do. I hate technology, I hate group assignments, I hate things being unclear, I hate not being able to find the time to even take care of my body - I hate these health problems, I hate you drawing attention to my lack of participation, I hate writing, I hate not being able to write, I hate not being able to see you, I hate you not contacting me, I hate not accomplishing things that I was supposed to do

I'm so fucking stressed and tired and just plain unhappy. And it just makes me so fucking frustrated and makes me want to cry. Or at least use the word 'fuck' a lot. I fucking hate that you think it's okay to just fucking not show up and leave me in the lurch with a flimsy as fuck excuse, then have the fucking nerve to just defer a semester and not even fucking bother to tell me about it for two fucking weeks and fuck me over for an assessment. I fucking hate that you're shoving this part onto me when I'm clearly the weakest of our six. I fucking hate that we're not doing shit until the last minute, that we're changing shit up in the fucking two days before the due date. I don't fucking care that it's not even worth all that much, I fucking care because doing this shit requires time and effort that I really don't fucking have right now, especially when you all fucking know about how I can barely even fucking sleep anymore.

Fuck uni, fuck you all, fuck all of this shit.

This is so fucking unfair, I just want it to all be fixed or over and done with. I just want to not fucking feel this way, like there's no fucking end in sight, like I'm helpless and strained end to end and under so much pressure to live up to expectations. I just want everything and, at this point, everyone, to go the fuck away so that I can fucking deal with my life again.

I hate feeling like everything is so fucking out of control and that I'm fucking up my entire life.