feedback loops of bruises coloured blue

-35

the worst day in a while.

even worse than the day that you slipped up and ripped yourself open. even that was only a -20. you were so tired then but you stopped yourself and got rid of them after that first one.

you thought you were doing better but don't fool yourself.

a always says that this game of tallying up points for events is unhealthy. honestly, she's right. especially since you're hiding in a fucking bathroom to type this all out. can you even make it to tuesday without ruining everything.

you're just a fuck up. you always have been and you're kind of always a bitch. nobody wants to be friends with you, honestly.

you're a mess.

normal people don't act, don't react, like that.

you're never going to get close to anyone. everything you try is too little too late. there's honestly no point in even trying anything.

it's fucking ridiculous to feel like shit and like you're not worth anything at all when just a few days ago you were telling a that your week was an eight. why can't you figure out how to not be a disappointment to everyone you know.

there's an empty space in your drawer at home. it should scare you, how easily the thought of wanting those instruments back slides into your mind. you don't need to be here, burdening everyone you ever cared about and taking up space by existing.

maybe if you wait long enough everyone will forget you and be all the better for it.

don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

skeletons grow stronger when kept in the rearview

even though leaving c was the hardest thing i've done and i was so damn terrified for so long afterwards this hurts infinitely more. back then at least i knew there wasn't anything to save. i knew i had to get out before i got even more fucked up or before anyone else got hurt too.

i didn't know anything this time.

maybe i've just been pretending this whole time that all the things they said to me were wrong.

i'm not enough. i'm not worth it. i never will be.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

frustration

the word of the past however many days its been since i last posted here is, as the title implies, frustration. im starting to think that it would be better if i didnt try at all. it might look/sound/feel better for a short while but unfailingly it reverts back anyway. it doesnt make a difference after all. and hope still remains the most treacherous thing do you know?
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
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