Honestly speaking, I feel a little more stressed now that I'm actually on holidays than I was when it was exam season. I don't dismiss all that I've accomplished so far this year as unimportant, and I don't think that relaxing and enjoying my holiday is undeserved. But at the same time, that all fades when it comes to thinking about what I could be doing, should be doing, could have, should have, done instead. I should have put forth more effort into finding something to do this year. Why didn't I look for a place to work at? Why didn't I plan for even something like volunteer work to build up experience, make myself more appealing for hire? Being (occasionally) awesome isn't enough; you need experience to back it up when you want a job. Doubtless this is exacerbated by my younger sister getting hired before me and leaving me as the only one not making my own way. Even so, I don't take the initiative often enough. And it hurts to think about. Because I know that I could have done more.
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Friday, 21 June 2013
it's a phony world we live in
You know, I hate this thing that people do.
I don't know if I could pick a side, because if it were me, I'd want you to be on my side too. I'm tired of trying to mediate between T and M when I shouldn't even be caught up in this.
Kindly keep your drama the fuck away from me.
I don't know if I could pick a side, because if it were me, I'd want you to be on my side too. I'm tired of trying to mediate between T and M when I shouldn't even be caught up in this.
Kindly keep your drama the fuck away from me.
Sunday, 9 June 2013
can't seem to get along but you give me no choice
Normally I love going to gatherings or birthdays or whatever the event happens to be. Normally. I've always preferred hanging out one-on-one as opposed to in groups, though. The group exceptions are generally if the small group happens to be the right mix of people where I don't feel awkward, or big enough that there are enough people that I can mill around with to cancel out the potential awkward feelings. Sometimes I feel no qualms about making up some (silly and obvious) excuse to get out going to events, though this is usually relegated to the times when I simply don't feel close enough to any of the attendees to justify my going. Other times, I hate being too nice to try to make an excuse to get out of going to something. Usually this happens when the other party is someone who I've known for a fairly long amount of time, or would be genuinely upset by my non-attendance, or someone I would consider myself fairly close to.
I had fun enough at N's 21st, I guess. We were particularly close in the past, and we've remained fairly good friends through all these years. I can't lie though, my fun was mostly centered around the great delight that was informing L and J that I knew more about L than they would have expected, but not because of Facebook stalking like they expected. Oh no, rather, because one of my closest friends,T, happens to be L's ex-girlfriend. The dress up aspect of it was fun too, though; and the decor was adorable.
The most awkward moment was, I guess, not being comfortable with almost everyone in attendance and having that be so obvious. I'd expected it, of course; we lead different lives, and our tastes in friends are pretty different too. I'm not particularly social at the best of times, even in my own circles, but it's even harder when it's obvious that everyone else is on such good terms with each other. It's not as if I could monopolise N's time either, since it's her birthday. I ended up on my phone for most of the night, messaging the rest of my friends, and eating more than I normally would in the span of about three days. I'm sure that if I tried, I would've been able to strike up conversation with any of the others but honestly, I didn't really want to. I don't much see the point in trying to forge a connection which will be somewhat awkward for all parties involved for the sake of a few hours only.
I've always been particularly bad at presents, too. Even if I happen to know the person quite well, unless they request something specific I have a lot of difficulty in finding something for them. I'm just not the type who goes out shopping and sees things that remind me of people, or that make me think 'person x would like this a lot'. This is also why I never expect presents, not that I ever give people a chance to give them to me; I don't really remember the last time I had a proper birthday. I ended up just writing her a card with a lot of ~heartfelt words~.
It wasn't a bad night, but it definitely wasn't one of the better ones either. I'm glad I went though, I think I would have regretted not going more than I vaguely regret going.
I had fun enough at N's 21st, I guess. We were particularly close in the past, and we've remained fairly good friends through all these years. I can't lie though, my fun was mostly centered around the great delight that was informing L and J that I knew more about L than they would have expected, but not because of Facebook stalking like they expected. Oh no, rather, because one of my closest friends,T, happens to be L's ex-girlfriend. The dress up aspect of it was fun too, though; and the decor was adorable.
The most awkward moment was, I guess, not being comfortable with almost everyone in attendance and having that be so obvious. I'd expected it, of course; we lead different lives, and our tastes in friends are pretty different too. I'm not particularly social at the best of times, even in my own circles, but it's even harder when it's obvious that everyone else is on such good terms with each other. It's not as if I could monopolise N's time either, since it's her birthday. I ended up on my phone for most of the night, messaging the rest of my friends, and eating more than I normally would in the span of about three days. I'm sure that if I tried, I would've been able to strike up conversation with any of the others but honestly, I didn't really want to. I don't much see the point in trying to forge a connection which will be somewhat awkward for all parties involved for the sake of a few hours only.
I've always been particularly bad at presents, too. Even if I happen to know the person quite well, unless they request something specific I have a lot of difficulty in finding something for them. I'm just not the type who goes out shopping and sees things that remind me of people, or that make me think 'person x would like this a lot'. This is also why I never expect presents, not that I ever give people a chance to give them to me; I don't really remember the last time I had a proper birthday. I ended up just writing her a card with a lot of ~heartfelt words~.
It wasn't a bad night, but it definitely wasn't one of the better ones either. I'm glad I went though, I think I would have regretted not going more than I vaguely regret going.
Friday, 7 June 2013
pathetic
You're like the fucking ex that I never fucking had. The one who's fucked me up so badly that I can't do anything without remembering how we used to go there and eat something, and hate this or like that, or talk and argue about whatever. There's so much that surrounds me that is tied up in memories that remind me of you. It pisses me off because it's so fucking unfair that I'm suffering from the consequences of a relationship that never actually existed, especially when you were the one who fucking chose that break-up; you were the one who fucking forced that rift.
The best part of all of this is that it probably didn't even affect you at all; it didn't seem like you even gave it a second thought. Evidently, it was just that easy of a decision to let me go. You never wanted to make the first move as friends, so I can't ever expect you to apologise and make amends, can I? Even if you are sorry about the way that you fucked this all up, which I highly doubt since you seem to be plenty happy. I guess the relationship we had just didn't mean all that much to you.
I don't really wish you anything bad, because I liked you a lot when we were friends. But I'm not mature, so I'll keep myself happy with the thought that, at the very least, you're not going anywhere in life.
Still, congratulations.
You're honestly the worst break up that I've ever had, and the only one who's fucked me up for this long afterwards. Incredible, really, considering we never dated.
I fucking miss you and you don't even care.
The best part of all of this is that it probably didn't even affect you at all; it didn't seem like you even gave it a second thought. Evidently, it was just that easy of a decision to let me go. You never wanted to make the first move as friends, so I can't ever expect you to apologise and make amends, can I? Even if you are sorry about the way that you fucked this all up, which I highly doubt since you seem to be plenty happy. I guess the relationship we had just didn't mean all that much to you.
I don't really wish you anything bad, because I liked you a lot when we were friends. But I'm not mature, so I'll keep myself happy with the thought that, at the very least, you're not going anywhere in life.
Still, congratulations.
You're honestly the worst break up that I've ever had, and the only one who's fucked me up for this long afterwards. Incredible, really, considering we never dated.
I fucking miss you and you don't even care.
Wednesday, 5 June 2013
we arrive and we cause a commotion
Went out with tlist for D's birthday last weekend! It was a pretty standard tlist outing though - lunch, karaoke, and then loitering around and talking until late. It was really good to see everyone again (D, J, C, S, L, J, V, A, T); the last time I saw half of them was in January, I think.
Met up with J first and we shopped around a bit at MC before meeting up with T and walking over to the restaurant. Sometimes I don't know why I bother being early, considering we were left waiting outside for a good 30 minutes at least before everyone else showed up. Post-lunch we headed over to Photo Plus to meet up with V and take sticker photos. It's also been reiterated to me that I should never give directions, I am so terrible at it, sigh. There was a moment of extreme confusion when we finally met up with L, though. It's like she's a stranger magnet. We caught her talking to a guy, who we all assumed was someone she knew, except that he...wasn't? But in any case, he left as soon as we all showed up and I was holding onto L.
Karaoke was pretty normal, for us. J showed up around halfway, and S towards the end. I never want to go to Partyworld again though, the system is far too confusing for me to operate. I'm also pretty sure the staff were somewhat annoyed with us too, what with our frequent requests for drinks and photo taking and general loudness. We also had a group of guys randomly stick their heads into our room and ask if they could have any one of our numbers. L also later confided that one had approached her after she exited the toilets. Karaoke always serves to point out how different it is to be good at a language, and having memorised something in a language, though.
The highlight of karaoke was definitely D's reaction to our cake for her though. What we did was find a picture that we knew would cause her to scream and have Michel's print it onto the top of the cake. I had no idea that was even possible, but it really was the best idea. I'm really glad I recorded the moment for keepsakes; it was priceless and she definitely really appreciated it. I also really love eating birthday cake. There's just something about birthday cake that makes it that little bit more delicious than regular cake. Sometimes I walk up the road to the shops around closing time to see if there are any unbought birthday cakes that I can take home and enjoy.
After karaoke we walked around for a bit in little groups, just talking, until someone decided they wanted frozen yoghurt. We traipsed downstairs for that and ended up sitting around in the food court for a good hour, eating and just talking about things. J and L ended up leaving around 7, and C perhaps a little later, before the rest of us relocated to a different table to chat about life and fandom things until we all ended up leaving. I was, all the while, plagued with texts from L about older men hitting on her. I worry about her a lot; this kind of thing happens far too often to her. But she got home safely, which is what matters.
Today I went to K's house to hang out and have dinner. I was actually pretty worried on the way over, since it's roughly a 15-20 minute walk from the bus stop to her house and I hadn't been there in so long that I was almost convinced I was walking down the wrong streets. But I got there in the end! I haven't seen her in so long; we've both been so busy with uni, and she works pretty much every free moment that she has. There were a few awkward moments when it was evident that we'd been apart for a while and had grown in different directions, but that's only to be expected. It wasn't bad, just a little surprising, I suppose. K's always been the type with whom it's easy to slip into the old patterns with, and it's always been that way in the past, so it stopped me up short a few times.
It's just K, F and their dad at home so her house is always a great place to be in, especially since F is so obsessed with cooking. K and I hooked up her DDR system and basically flailed around a lot while F and her dad made dinner, on the basis that we would do dishes afterwards. K and I are both stupidly unfit (I should really use these holidays to work on that; let's see how long that mindset lasts though) and stupidly uncoordinated. It probably didn't help that I wasn't really familiar with the songs either, but that's part of what made it so fun.
Dinner was a ridiculous affair, full of talking over the top of each other and casual jibes and life, despite there only being four of us. F's cooking has definitely improved since the last time I was over too. There was pumpkin soup, potatoes stuffed with an assortment of delicious herbs, and prawn paella. She also made these really delicious strawberry and brie tartlets for dessert.
Post-dinner and dishes, K, F and I settled down for What Would You Do, which our group plays on a fairly regular basis. It is basically exactly as it sounds: someone poses a situation and you all explain what you'd do in the situation. The aim to come up with increasingly outrageous or conflicting situations for each other to try and explain away. My favourite of the night was definitely the volcano situation, despite the fact that we don't have volcanoes here. It was probably our most ridiculous combined answer, wherein F argued that the signs of imminent eruption would probably have been obvious so we would have had pre-prepared packs and wouldn't have to waste time on packing, and that she would only really need to get the rest of us into the car. Upon which I pointed out that driving would really be kind of a waste of time because everyone would be driving and the roads would be jammed up and K said something along the lines of just going to hang out on the top of a skyscraper or hijacking a helicopter regardless of none of us knowing how to operate one.
K dropped me home around 11.30? although we sat in the driveway of my house for a good 10 minutes after that just talking a bit more. We made tentative plans to get together with the rest of the C4 before the holidays end, though with everyone's schedules being so busy, I'm not sure it'll happen. All I can do is hope that it does, though.
Met up with J first and we shopped around a bit at MC before meeting up with T and walking over to the restaurant. Sometimes I don't know why I bother being early, considering we were left waiting outside for a good 30 minutes at least before everyone else showed up. Post-lunch we headed over to Photo Plus to meet up with V and take sticker photos. It's also been reiterated to me that I should never give directions, I am so terrible at it, sigh. There was a moment of extreme confusion when we finally met up with L, though. It's like she's a stranger magnet. We caught her talking to a guy, who we all assumed was someone she knew, except that he...wasn't? But in any case, he left as soon as we all showed up and I was holding onto L.
Karaoke was pretty normal, for us. J showed up around halfway, and S towards the end. I never want to go to Partyworld again though, the system is far too confusing for me to operate. I'm also pretty sure the staff were somewhat annoyed with us too, what with our frequent requests for drinks and photo taking and general loudness. We also had a group of guys randomly stick their heads into our room and ask if they could have any one of our numbers. L also later confided that one had approached her after she exited the toilets. Karaoke always serves to point out how different it is to be good at a language, and having memorised something in a language, though.
The highlight of karaoke was definitely D's reaction to our cake for her though. What we did was find a picture that we knew would cause her to scream and have Michel's print it onto the top of the cake. I had no idea that was even possible, but it really was the best idea. I'm really glad I recorded the moment for keepsakes; it was priceless and she definitely really appreciated it. I also really love eating birthday cake. There's just something about birthday cake that makes it that little bit more delicious than regular cake. Sometimes I walk up the road to the shops around closing time to see if there are any unbought birthday cakes that I can take home and enjoy.
After karaoke we walked around for a bit in little groups, just talking, until someone decided they wanted frozen yoghurt. We traipsed downstairs for that and ended up sitting around in the food court for a good hour, eating and just talking about things. J and L ended up leaving around 7, and C perhaps a little later, before the rest of us relocated to a different table to chat about life and fandom things until we all ended up leaving. I was, all the while, plagued with texts from L about older men hitting on her. I worry about her a lot; this kind of thing happens far too often to her. But she got home safely, which is what matters.
Today I went to K's house to hang out and have dinner. I was actually pretty worried on the way over, since it's roughly a 15-20 minute walk from the bus stop to her house and I hadn't been there in so long that I was almost convinced I was walking down the wrong streets. But I got there in the end! I haven't seen her in so long; we've both been so busy with uni, and she works pretty much every free moment that she has. There were a few awkward moments when it was evident that we'd been apart for a while and had grown in different directions, but that's only to be expected. It wasn't bad, just a little surprising, I suppose. K's always been the type with whom it's easy to slip into the old patterns with, and it's always been that way in the past, so it stopped me up short a few times.
It's just K, F and their dad at home so her house is always a great place to be in, especially since F is so obsessed with cooking. K and I hooked up her DDR system and basically flailed around a lot while F and her dad made dinner, on the basis that we would do dishes afterwards. K and I are both stupidly unfit (I should really use these holidays to work on that; let's see how long that mindset lasts though) and stupidly uncoordinated. It probably didn't help that I wasn't really familiar with the songs either, but that's part of what made it so fun.
Dinner was a ridiculous affair, full of talking over the top of each other and casual jibes and life, despite there only being four of us. F's cooking has definitely improved since the last time I was over too. There was pumpkin soup, potatoes stuffed with an assortment of delicious herbs, and prawn paella. She also made these really delicious strawberry and brie tartlets for dessert.
Post-dinner and dishes, K, F and I settled down for What Would You Do, which our group plays on a fairly regular basis. It is basically exactly as it sounds: someone poses a situation and you all explain what you'd do in the situation. The aim to come up with increasingly outrageous or conflicting situations for each other to try and explain away. My favourite of the night was definitely the volcano situation, despite the fact that we don't have volcanoes here. It was probably our most ridiculous combined answer, wherein F argued that the signs of imminent eruption would probably have been obvious so we would have had pre-prepared packs and wouldn't have to waste time on packing, and that she would only really need to get the rest of us into the car. Upon which I pointed out that driving would really be kind of a waste of time because everyone would be driving and the roads would be jammed up and K said something along the lines of just going to hang out on the top of a skyscraper or hijacking a helicopter regardless of none of us knowing how to operate one.
K dropped me home around 11.30? although we sat in the driveway of my house for a good 10 minutes after that just talking a bit more. We made tentative plans to get together with the rest of the C4 before the holidays end, though with everyone's schedules being so busy, I'm not sure it'll happen. All I can do is hope that it does, though.
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