Yesterday I finally met up with my 妹妹 L for the first time in a few months! She was late in meeting me, which was fine - I went for a latte at Starbucks while I waited for her. The weather was not great, but that wasn't such a problem since we'd made plans to go back to her apartment anyway.
After she showed up, we walked a few blocks to this delightful French restaurant/cafe place for lunch that L had been to before. Since both of us are not particularly large eaters, we chose a few things to share. We ended up with French style pizza and crepes, as well as a bowl of fries because, well, who doesn't love fries, let's be real here. L also got an iced chocolate while I stuck with water. Even though the portions looked quite small, they were really filling ! We also got raspberry mousse slice and a strawberry tart to take away so that we could have dessert a little later, once we were done digesting a little.
Both of us have the habit of forgetting that we're actually meant to be dieting so we opted to walk back to L's apartment, stopping by at this super fancy supermarket on the way for juice. For some bizarre reason, strangers always talk to us when we're out together; it's more than a little creepy. This time, it happened to be the guy re-stocking the shelves. After making small talk and giving us advice on juice, he proceeded to comment on how we both had really good English, at which L and I both exchanged a look and told him that well, yeah, we'd been here for a while. (I was born here; L migrated from China when she was 3, iirc.) So that was not all that fun, but we managed to get back to her apartment without any other mishaps.
L cleaned up her room a bit while I sat around on her bed, and then we set up for what she dubbed our JE fangirling date. I gave her pretty much everything that I'd been able to fit onto my harddrive and we spent the next five or so hours alternating between past and present videos. She also tried to introduce me to some of the juniors! This probably would have worked better if she wasn't trying to point them out through video because no matter how HD a video is, when someone is not the focus it's pretty hard to make them out properly and make judgments on whether you find them qtp or not. We watched some of this year's Shokura's, as well as part of the SZ concert, some AnS, pv's and a bunch of other assorted things. I've never understood why people watch reaction videos, because I honestly find them not that funny unless you actually know the person? Also because it's 1028488934902x better if you're there with them in person. I'm pretty sure L cries some real tears during the afternoon at some point. The Star Rider video was pretty much her breaking point though, since she saw U's hair and was actually just lost for words.
I ended up staying until about 7.30-ish? which was a lot later than I'd originally planned, since I was meant to be meeting up with people for P's birthday, oops. So I trammed back into the city (and got caught for apparently not touching on even though I swear I did, ugh, going to have to appeal that when I get sent the letter) and met up with them only for cake. Not that I really minded, because I was actually still full from lunch. Terrible weather aside, it was a really good day. Which was made even better by getting home and watching L sob over Twitter as she made her way through a bunch of things that she'd never seen before.
L: "I REALLY CANT STOP CRYING MY HEART IS SPLITTING INTO LITTLE PIECES...I am literally going to die". Best moments of the day.
Friday, 29 November 2013
Wednesday, 27 November 2013
because you've had it too good recently
Sometimes, people are assholes. Sometimes, people are idiots. I fall into one, but more often and more likely both of these categories because things that I'm not good at seem to include being a decent person. I know there's a lot that needs work in who I am, I know that I'm lacking and there is so much I need to improve on, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who really does?) I've never thought that I would be one.
This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.
So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.
This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.
So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Friday, 22 November 2013
i think it's time to let this die
I suppose it's unfair to say that we're not friends.
I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.
You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.
K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.
Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.
I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".
I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.
You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.
K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.
Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.
I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".
metrics #3
This week's metrics: 13436, which makes a current total of 24890.
I'm surprised myself, especially considering this is more than I've written in the past two weeks. It's amazing what a talk through about outlines and plot points and character developments can do for you. If only the first two weeks had been this good, I would've had a real chance at making it to 50k. Still, I'm really happy with how productive this week was, and how I'm progressing overall.
Of course, if you look at everything that I've written this month, and not just at NaNo, then I'd definitely hit 50k. Whatever. I don't regret writing for other people at the same time this month. What I will regret, though, when I'm going back and trying to piece together all the parts that I have done for NaNo is not writing chronologically. I don't doubt that my writing's been improving - it's hard to avoid when you're pushing yourself to write every day, regardless of how little - but oh god, it's going to be so obvious what was written when and ahhh, the editing and re-writing that'll have to happen to smooth it over and make it cohesive will be an absolute nightmare. That's not going to happen for a long while yet, though. I don't want to edit before I've completed a first draft which, at this stage, isn't going to be finished for months yet.
(F, if you're reading this, I HAVE, IN NO WAY, GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER. I am awful with continuity but linear writing? Not for me.)
Saturday, 16 November 2013
walk right through me, i'm not really there
My biggest fear is and always has been, most likely always will be, that I am easily replaceable. (Forgettable? Discardable? My life is written in semantics.)
It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it?
A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.
I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start.
I'm sorry.
It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it?
A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.
I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start.
I'm sorry.
Friday, 15 November 2013
metrics #2
I meant to post this earlier but I got distracted by drowning in strawberries and being dumb enough to cut up the inside of my mouth. Again. And now I'm posting this from my phone at like 2.30AM. (This is so tedious, I'm never doing it again.) I'm actually meant to be sleeping, but my anxiety, insecurities and fears of being inadequate are keeping me awake. Good fun. I'll probably post about that in the next few days, once I've properly sorted out my thoughts.
Anyway, this weeks metrics: 5128.
It's even more appalling than last week, unfortunately. Still, this ups me to... 11454 in 14 days. A dismal amount, but unsurprising, considering my struggles during this time. It should get better from here on though. I have a clearer idea of what needs to get done. All I need to do is sit down and actually get to it.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
hear them promise a story if only i'll listen
Every day I tell myself I should do something productive, except oh wait, I'm not done with all that nothing I already started.
Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.
After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.
An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.
I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?
Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.
After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.
An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.
I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?
Monday, 11 November 2013
tales of being mistaken for a hooker
Password locked for reasons; hit me up if you really want to know.
Saturday, 9 November 2013
metrics #1
Two days late, but the week's total: an appalling 6326.
There's still a lot more to get done. I'm nowhere near reaching my usual, even for the day, which is frustrating. I broke off for three days so today I'm desperately trying to play catch up. I suspect in the next day or so I'm going to have to pause and figure out how to tie what I already have in together so that I can have a reasonable discussion on progressions on Wednesday.
At least I'm progressing, learning, pushing myself. Kind of.
There's still a lot more to get done. I'm nowhere near reaching my usual, even for the day, which is frustrating. I broke off for three days so today I'm desperately trying to play catch up. I suspect in the next day or so I'm going to have to pause and figure out how to tie what I already have in together so that I can have a reasonable discussion on progressions on Wednesday.
At least I'm progressing, learning, pushing myself. Kind of.
Sunday, 3 November 2013
let's step up
Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.
I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.
I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.
C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.
I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.
I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.
Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.
ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.
I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.
I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.
C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.
I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.
I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.
Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.
ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.
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