a fake handshake

words last forever but these ones are so empty.

do they come in an alienated form that only a few can understand?

sometimes it feels like this is an accident that was made to happen.

i'm sick of feeling this way, like i'm not sure of myself anymore, good enough anymore. if it's the way you really feel, i'd prefer if you'd just rip it off and make it clear. i'm tired of wondering whether it's all in my head or whether i'm reading the context clues the right way.

hold steady. 

act natural.

it blurs. 

sometimes things fall together; most of the time, things fall apart. 

and many countless days later

i spoke to V on Sunday night for the first time in three? years. honestly, i wasn't really sure if we'd ever come back to each other especially since we haven't met often. but she's been there for me through... a lot of things. a lot of years.

i've been thinking a lot since then. the guilt and resentment weighs, thick and heavy and cloying. everyone was so worried. they tried to help but they couldn't understand.

there was a time where i didn't have the words to talk about myself. where i didn't understand myself. where i was more anxiety than myself. more scared of myself than anything else.

a time where the only thing i knew to do was to either lash out or hide it.

sometimes it's easy to touch and just imagine. what if, once more, would it help?

the scars may have faded but i know they were there.

there was (is?) a time where that was the only thing that helped.

slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.

before you know it i'm lost at sea

I think that one of the hardest things to stop doing is overthinking, and I sometimes feel as though this is my biggest...problem? It seems to me that what makes it difficult to halt or prevent is the fact that thinking is, most of the time, not a conscious act. I catch myself overthinking things, situations, people, far too often, and even though I can recognise it, it isn't so easy as to just tell yourself to 'stop overthinking'. For me, that sparks a whole new set of questions: why am I overthinking this? Is it really such a big deal? Why does this upset/insert emotion of choice me? Maybe I should just get over myself? But why should I have to 'get over myself'? My feelings are still valid, even if they are irrational...

And so, you've become, once again,  lost in the torrential outpourings of your own mind.

Sometimes though, I wonder if C was right, when he told me those few years ago (though it feels like its been far longer since I was free of him) that my propensity for thinking, using qualifiers, and being too emotional made me difficult to talk to and get along with. Sometimes, looking at myself and my interactions with others objectively, I fear that he was right.

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

don't try to hide, no need to lie

V and I haven't really spoken properly in about eight months or so. We used to be incredibly close but she moved away from Twitter, and even if I saw her on Skype, her name was always accompanied by the bright red sign of someone who was Busy and had Things To Do. I never wanted to feel like I was bothering her which is why it sort of came as a surprise the other day when I logged on and found a message waiting for me, asking if I was free on x date/time to video with her. I was, of course, because mostly my life revolves around activities that involve screaming on the internet and not on things in the outside world. 

So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.

The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong. 

It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.

Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have. 

trace that silver line

Happy Valentine's Day, self; here, have a whole ton of emotional pain :-)

Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend. 

Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.

I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are. 

I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose. 

星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.

it's not you, it's me

Friendships have always fucked me up more than anything else. I've never thought that I would become that sort of self-involved person; I've always thought it was bullshit. I don't think I've done it in the past. But clearly I didn't feel so strongly then as I do now. Maybe that's why it didn't last, so perhaps I have been doing it wrong all along. But if it turns out that everything is a competition and this is what you sacrifice--I don't even know how to finish that. It seems so wrong in my head. I wonder whether M and G were right. I'm upset and I'm sorry.

So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?

falling apart, what should i do

I know I'm not trying hard enough and yet somehow I'm still tired all the time. I think one of the worst things to feel is as though you are inadequate. Like you will never be anything more than mediocre at something, anything. And the thing is, it will always be the rank that they see and care about. It doesn't define you; all it means is that you didn't give them what they want. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't hurt any less, because even if it doesn't define you, it does hold weight. It's actually really quite distressing. I'm not unhappy, no, just...stressed and concerned and mostly just tired. Is that normal? Was I ever normal?

I'll keep going though, because the alternative consists of so much that I'm afraid to think about. It's incomprehensible.

Short post for now; I'll backlog with cheerful entries about the weekend later.

an interlude away

October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.

I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?

G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.

I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.

T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.

M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.

原谅我没有说

I bitch and moan about people in the world so often that sometimes, I tend to forget that there are really amazing people around me. Sometimes, I worry about whether they know how much I honestly appreciate everything that they do for me. Most of the time though, I fear that they think that I'm ungrateful. It should be easy to say - after all, these are words and words and words that are used on a daily basis; but sometimes they're used so much that they lose all meaning. The people around me don't rely on me for anything, and I rely on others so much that it hurts to know how weak I am on my own, and if I could only work out how to say the words, I would thank them with everything that I have. The fears that they don't know the value, the importance they represent to me can get so overwhelming. Sometimes, I think that they'll become sick of putting up with everything that I am and just walk away, and it's easy to admit that that's why I am the way I am sometimes; better to give them a reason to leave me behind. Sometimes, it's easy to tell myself I'm being stupid, think that of course they must know, or else they wouldn't smile at me like that, treat me the way that they do. Most of the time though, it's not.

the road not taken

Honestly speaking, I feel a little more stressed now that I'm actually on holidays than I was when it was exam season. I don't dismiss all that I've accomplished so far this year as unimportant, and I don't think that relaxing and enjoying my holiday is undeserved. But at the same time, that all fades when it comes to thinking about what I could be doing, should be doing, could have, should have, done instead. I should have put forth more effort into finding something to do this year. Why didn't I look for a place to work at? Why didn't I plan for even something like volunteer work to build up experience, make myself more appealing for hire? Being (occasionally) awesome isn't enough; you need experience to back it up when you want a job. Doubtless this is exacerbated by my younger sister getting hired before me and leaving me as the only one not making my own way. Even so, I don't take the initiative often enough. And it hurts to think about. Because I know that I could have done more.

it's a phony world we live in

You know, I hate this thing that people do.

I don't know if I could pick a side, because if it were me, I'd want you to be on my side too. I'm tired of trying to mediate between T and M when I shouldn't even be caught up in this.

Kindly keep your drama the fuck away from me.

like one, two, three, start afresh

Today my brother officially moved into his house. Though it's not moving in, exactly, since he's still going to be living at home because it's closer to work. In any case, his house is now officially fit to live in. If you discount the noticeable lack of any kind of furniture. It's stocked with his clothes and toiletries and kitchen utensils and cutlery and non-perishable foods though. I'm not really sure why we had to spend the entire day there though. After my mother did some incomprehensible Chinese ritual, we carted everything inside. 

I am clearly not cut out to ever try to assemble anything, even when given written directions. Instead, I got relegated to washing and putting things away. There really wasn't a lot to do and I spent the better part of the afternoon just lying on the floor on my phone, writing, and then napping when I got cold. Since it's a new developmental area the reception, and the 3G, is sketchy at best so there wasn't a whole lot I could really do. 

I'm not really sure what he's going to do with the house now though. I guess eventually it'll go up for rent? I can't imagine any of us moving in there, since it's a good 40-45 minute drive out of the city. I really like the set up of the house though, particularly the open kitchen-living-dining area. We're still working on the backyard though - it still needs to be paved and grassed and fenced off. The surrounding area is really nice too! There's a playground and a walking circuit just out the back, and the shopping centre is only about 15 minutes walk away. 

I don't really think of my brother as old, or even that much older than me, in any sense. That he actually owns a house now is sort of an odd thing to think about. It's like he should be in a steady relationship and preparing to get married or something like that. 

departures

Part of graduations is the significance that you're done with this part of your life. It hurts to think about, even if you're not the one who is graduating. Watching the people you know graduate just hones in the fact that there's only a limited time left.

You know that one day the person graduating is going to be you, and you're going to have to wake up and look around and tell yourself that you're really not a child any more. That you have to start thinking about other things, prioritise, that you can't just sit around and let blissful waves of a fantasy world wash over you any more. People disappear from that world you created together, replaced by new ones that you don't know. People leave and move on and disappear, leaving virtually nothing behind. And one of these days, that's going to be you. You just won't be able to afford that world any more, time-wise, money-wise, emotion-wise.

Sometimes, there are people who are fortunate enough to have a few people who will carry that world forward for a few years, to be able to indulge in with the people they know who are in the same situation, unwilling to let go. But it isn't, it won't be long before you feel an overwhelming wave of patheticness. And that's the last thing you want to feel or to call others. But the problem is that there is no support out there in the world of "I need to find a career".

A career. A family, perhaps. A life outside that little bubble that you managed to encapsulate yourself in. A life that other people will approve of. Because while you were so busy not caring about what people thought when we had the beautiful, dorky, amazing parts of our fantasy world, they moved on without us.

And life afterwards can get very, very lonely.

In life afterwards, you feel like you've lost some of your best friends. In a way, everything in that world was your best friend - always smiling at you, encouraging you, doing silly things with and for you, telling you they love you; you spent all your time in the world together, even if sometimes it all made you cry. And then it's gone and you only have a few people left who understand, and you have to go through the jarring transition together, holding on for, and onto, dear life.

You have to make that transition from your fantasy world and all the happiness that came from it to everything else. Everything real. Everything that isn't what you spent all your waking time on for the past however many years. It felt like forever, but it wasn't.

Sometimes, you hate that you ever found that world. Because even though it made you so indescribably happy, you know that leaving it will hurt so much more, will be so much worse, so much more sad and painful than it was happy. Is that world, has that world been, will that world be worth it? Sometimes, you don't know. When you think about it, you're not sure that you will always be able to say that, "Yes, it was worth it."

All you can do is wait to find out.

说不出的爱; 我在你心中只是just a friend

I think the biggest thing that I took away from last week was the reminder that sometimes, the people around you are not the ones you chose, and thoughts of what does it mean to be a good friend? I've heard people say that you ought to love the ones that you're with, if you cannot be with the ones that you love. It's not always as easy as it seems.

There are times when forced proximity can create impressions of emotional closeness. It's not always that way but sometimes it is true, because that's how we cope. When you can either play nice or be caught in perpetual awkwardness, the choice isn't one that's hard to make. Even within that, though, there will be people with whom you are closer to, who you would have chosen to love even if you were not forced to be around them.

I think that's why I say that you can make life-long friendships once you're in university. It provides such a vast sea of people from which you can pick and choose your friends, the people who you want to spend time with outside of classes. Of course, university is not the only place that you can make these kinds of friendships, but I feel like there is a smaller level of forced proximity than in places like work or high school, particularly if you were in a class like mine which never changed students. Once you commit past the superficial levels of similar interests and choose to connect with people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last longer.

That's why it doesn't matter that sometimes I am disappointed or resentful of my friends not living up to my (high, and often silent) expectations. It doesn't matter that sometimes I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante, favourite. What does matter is that I do love the friends that I have and that I do want them in my life. What does matter is that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean that they don't want me in their lives.

Friendships change, fact of life, whether they be new ones or old ones. Every friendship is a little different, even if elements of similarity ring through them all because they're rooted in two separate people. There are some friendships where you must give the utmost care, if not always the consideration. Others pass quietly in the background to wither away, if you haven't figured out how and if you can give them what they require, while still others can re-emerge as strong as ever when you reach for them.

I'm not sure how to be able to tell which friendships fall into the kind where you talk frequently and share just about everything, and which are the ones where you talk infrequently, but always with depth and feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feelings. Because that's how things work around here. You all know I have a whole bunch of feelings.

These few days away made me realise that there are more people than I would've originally thought who I'd count among my trustiest, truest friends. There are more people that I believed that I'd feel comfortable talking to about my fears and thoughts and insecurities; more people than I believed that I'd feel comfortable being stupid and silly around, teasing and touching and being ridiculous. There are so many people who I feel so grateful to know now, but most particularly those who I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around. So, thank you for that, I guess. For being you. For letting me feel that I don't have to hide so much from you. I may or may not see you every day or talk to you the most often but I chose to love you, and I am thankful for you.

raise a glass and toast the flame just like the old days

I had a good enough time at both events I attended on Thursday night (SAMA Trivia Night and L's birthday), but looking back, I think I wish that I'd used that time to bash out more kinks from that monster I've been working on on-and-off for the last year or so. In any case, there's not much that I can do about it now but sleep and study a lot in the coming days I still have free. Still, both were interesting experiences for me.

I didn't participate in Trivia, and I don't regret that. I am horrible at knowing anything outside of that which I am interested in; my general knowledge, and possibly common sense, is awful, as those who have known me for years can attest to. On top of that, the event was attended largely by people I wasn't aquainted with and whom I wasn't at all interested in being grouped together with.

I think a lot of people don't believe me when I say to them that I'm not interested in making new friends. It's true though; for the most part I'm more than happy with the people that I have in my life now, however close we are or however often I see them. This is, in part, aided by the fact that I seem to have surrounded myself with people who I have either grown up with, or am comfortable enough with that I can handle their occasional bouts of stupidity. I look at a lot of people now and my innate reaction is to avoid them and their apparent immaturity. I think to myself, how can they possibly be so stupid and foolish? though I know I must have been just as, if not worse, than they were when I was at that age too. On one hand, it gives me hope that they'll mature and grow past certain things, but mostly it just makes me despair.

E mentioned, when I was recounting the night's events to her, that it seemed like a waste of time to attend. It's true, I'm usually a pretty solitary person. Perhaps it has something to do with the difficulty that I had in making friends with others post-moving. Still, I like being around people, even if I'm not engaging with them. Perhaps that part has to do with the writer in me - past observation is always the best tool when you want to create later.

L's birthday was interesting in a different way and inspired a lot of thoughts about friendship in me. I've known L for about six years now; we were at school together and she's one of the few that I'm still in well, fairly regular contact with. We see each other a handful of times a year; I think that's well enough for us now even though it's not often. It was nice to see her, since we last caught up in December? last year.

I ran into three of my other school friends (G, G and N) who were also on their way in to her house on the train from the city which was a pleasant surprise. Part of my original hesitation in attending, even though it was the pretty celebrated age of 21, stemmed from my reluctance to be around so many people I didn't know. There's only so much small talk you can make, and it's not as if you can monopolise the time of the birthday girl, after all.

When we arrived, we found that P had arrived earlier than us, and since all five of us barely knew anyone else, ended up camping out in the shed at the back of the garden. There was a lengthy conversation wherein a possibility of a T.S class reunion was discussed. I am still not convinced that it'll happen, but that's for another time. Later on, another whole group of school friends/associates showed up too (A, A, A, N, H, I, J) so it was pretty nice to catch up with them all. I don't remember the last time I saw them.

I was at school with most of these people for at least 5 years; it's been so long that I've known them, so long since we first made friends, so long since we went our separate ways. We've all grown so much and changed in so many ways that there are a lot of moments where I don't recognise them anymore, when I see them in person, and the glimpses of their lives I get through Facebook. But they are still essentially them, still with those parts of them that I once knew, just grown up.

It made me wonder what I looked like to them now. I wonder what they think they know about my life now. Just as there are so many facets to them that I don't recognise, there must be as many facets of myself that they don't recognise. I know I've changed a lot, even just in the few months that were the summer holidays. Uni changed me dramatically from high school in certain ways.

I'm not particularly afraid of any judgement from that group; chances are that it'll be at least a good six months before I see them again, anyway. Not to mention, we've drifted to the extent that I have no fear of finding out anything by accident. That we can still be good acquaintances and be civil, friendly, when we see each other is more than enough for me. They've gone through a lot that I wouldn't understand, even if they explained. I've probably been through a lot that they wouldn't understand either. There are plenty of times where we might not be able to empathise, though we can still sympathise.

I agree with what Becky says, "If you liked someone once, doesn't it remain similar even after a long time has passed?" Honestly speaking, once I've decided I like you, it takes quite a lot for me to decide that I dislike you and want to cut ties with you. I see people from high school so sporadically, and I see the girls from primary school even less, but those factors don't detract from our friendship or the fact that they will always remain dear to me.

The thoughts contained here apply not just to the friends I've mentioned, but to anyone who's known me since I was in year nine, or earlier, or later. What do you see when you look at me now? Maybe you don't understand the person that I am anymore.

It's unfair to think that all of you will understand how I ended up here, what happened to make me who I am, or what I've done and accomplished and achieved, become and failed and lost. And it's okay that you don't.

It's enough if you can understand and accept that maybe you can't understand. That even if I could explain it, show you it all, it wouldn't make it clearer who and what has helped to shape me into the person that I am now. It's enough if you can embrace that and love me anyway, and I'll do the same for you.