even if time were to reverse, it would still be impossible to take it back

Dear 2015!self,

Somehow you've made it this far, and now who knows where you'll be at this time next year? Taking a look back at 2013's note, you really haven't done too badly for yourself in all respects of life. You're doing well. You've been through a lot of interesting changes and experiences and current!self is still sometimes surprised by them; hopefully you're doing better by now.

You made it through your university degree! Be proud even though you know you still could have done better, but you know what? It's over. You finished, graduated (at least, you will have by the time you read this again) and you're happy with how you did. You aced that portfolio, and you survived those placements rounds. You went for your certification. Do you have a Big Kid job now? Are you fully certified? I wonder. Whatever path you've taken, I hope it's been worth it, I hope you've been happy.

Even though you didn't manage to finish either Metro or RTN this year, that's okay. Maybe one day you'll come back to them. Right now, you've got something that you're working on. I wonder if you'll have finished the main story for the UAPM!AU (as it remains tentatively titled as now) yet. Don't give up on it, you have people cheering you on. You're loving it right now, despite the difficulty, and I hope that you still do. Even if this is not a road and only a side-street, show people. It's hard to expose yourself in that way, but it'll be worth it. You've always wanted to make people feel.

You did better at talking to people this year. Remember meeting M/E/F/K/M? Even though you lost contact with them, you're proud of yourself for being brave enough to reach out like that. You reconciled your feelings about others this year, which you're glad for. It's good to know that you've matured. I think that by now you've worked out who's in your life to stay, who is most important, and who you're better off without. You cut some ties, and you don't regret it (much). You're making an effort to stay in touch with people from your past; keep that up, it's important not to forget where you came from. No matter what, don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. Other people mean it when they say it's okay; try to believe that people really mean the nice things they say. Your friends are better than you deserve.

Your heart is still going strong. Are you surprised? I know I am, a little. Happily surprised, though. It was hard, with the distances that separated you but it was good, helpful. You know yourself better now. You talked a little about the things that kept you prisoner for so long, and that helped a lot, I think. Talk more. Things won't ever get better unless you do. Pick your fights and your words wisely. Next year will have been harder, but I hope you made it through together. It's worth it. You're incredibly lucky. I wonder what plans the two of you have made now.

You didn't go to nearly as many things this year as you wanted to. Still, you loved the ones that you did go to. Tyler and Josh touched your heart in person even if you missed the signing (will you have forgiven yourself by now? Maybe you've had another chance) and B1A4 were (as expected) lovely and cute and amazing (you've even gotten over your odd Gongchan dislike!). Kina was a delight, as was Les Mis. Will you go to more musicals? There's a lot of good ones coming up that you'll love, I'm sure.

It's hard to remember to be patient, to make an effort and try, but you'll regret it later if you don't. It was a good year. It was. Even though you're afraid, I hope you ploughed on forward relentlessly. If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do it.  You had a lot of good things come your way this year. You learnt a lot and I hope you can be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, person. There's always something to work on. (Please don't have turned into a HK! I'll never forgive you!)

I wonder what you think of yourself now, reading this. Maybe you can laugh at yourself; it gets a little easier each year, doesn't it? It's nice to think that you've grown up, at least a little. Here's to hoping that you're happier, wiser, more organised, thankful for the people you have in your life and excited for what else your future holds.

Love,
2014!self.

thoughts from my 17 y/o self

don't love someone more than they love you. it will only hurt you. you will have more lights off hours than lights on. protect yourself. 

trawled back through some of my old blogs again. sometimes i wish i'd kept these thoughts closer to my heart. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up then. 

SPACE PIRATES

That is all.

I don't know the exact details of how yet, but I'll get there. Hopefully.

losing sleep for days, is this just a phase?

You feel guilty a lot. You're not anywhere near the best friend, even when you do happen to be at your best. You think that you can't blame others for sliding you back down the scale to 'friend', 'acquaintance', for being irate with you. You're sorry for it, for withdrawing; though what does that matter when you don't--won't say it to their face. You want to be better, but--

You don't like to talk. You like to think about what you're going to say before you say it (which doesn't always necessarily work out, but you like to Try) because you want to be able to say what you mean, and because there's Too Much inside your head. It's hard to keep track of all the things you need to do and to say without letting anything else irrelevant spill out. You can't risk it. You need to keep yourself to yourself, because your mind is Too Much, Too Big, for an outlet that is as small as your mouth, as the words you let scrawl across the page. You can't let anyone else know what horribly beautiful (or is it beautifully horrible?) things are locked inside your mind. 

There's something that shouldn't be messed with, and that thing is your mind. Really, you don't want to be crazy. You've heard it before - you're a little different (or what others call 'special' when they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying what they really mean). You're a little bit risky, a little bit scary, a lot not enough. You've always wished you could be brave enough to be what you admire in others. 

You're an introvert, you know. Perhaps you're just simply not built for interaction. People like you don't function with society. 

results of life

Somehow, regardless of whether there is structure dictating what I must do every day or whether I can enjoy every day as I wish, I am really bad at updating. It's not as though there haven't been things to talk about, but I haven't really been in the mind for blogging these past few months, as must have become obvious. Part of this is that I haven't been in the best state of health - in various interpretations of the word - which isn't exactly conducive to blogging. Writing, in any form, takes more energy than one would think - physically, mentally, emotionally. Or maybe I just care, far too much, about how I sound to the rest of you? There is, also, the fact that there is a lot in my life that I don't feel comfortable about sharing on a publicly accessible space and sometimes needing to edit posts so that I can keep those of you who enjoy reading about my life here informed, is incredibly stressful.

I think this post has been a while in coming, and it's really not a post that I wanted to be making when I first started publicly blogging again. But well, here it is all the same:

HIATUS.

I don't know how long I will be gone for, though I suspect it will be for quite some time. I need to work through my own life. I will be back though.

you say things with your mouth

I've been blown off by pretty much every person I've tried to make plans with in the last few days - week. This ranges from helping to organise plans and then being cut out of the plans or people forgetting about confirming with me, to something as simple as last minute issues. The latter I can understand, provided that you, as the party who can't make it, offer another suitable time once the issue is dealt with/over/whatever. But apparently even this is beyond (most of) the people that I know and, quite frankly, I'm wondering why I am still friends with you.

I'm fucking sick of making an effort and being made to feel as though I am unimportant, as though you don't have any time to spare for me. So, fuck you, and you, and you, and all of you.

These are not the kind of posts I want to be making, but well, there have been more bad days than good, so let me have this.

before you know it i'm lost at sea

I think that one of the hardest things to stop doing is overthinking, and I sometimes feel as though this is my biggest...problem? It seems to me that what makes it difficult to halt or prevent is the fact that thinking is, most of the time, not a conscious act. I catch myself overthinking things, situations, people, far too often, and even though I can recognise it, it isn't so easy as to just tell yourself to 'stop overthinking'. For me, that sparks a whole new set of questions: why am I overthinking this? Is it really such a big deal? Why does this upset/insert emotion of choice me? Maybe I should just get over myself? But why should I have to 'get over myself'? My feelings are still valid, even if they are irrational...

And so, you've become, once again,  lost in the torrential outpourings of your own mind.

Sometimes though, I wonder if C was right, when he told me those few years ago (though it feels like its been far longer since I was free of him) that my propensity for thinking, using qualifiers, and being too emotional made me difficult to talk to and get along with. Sometimes, looking at myself and my interactions with others objectively, I fear that he was right.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.

cos i'm dreaming that i'm sinking again

it ain't easy you know, to leave the darkness behind

I feel sick every time I start working towards what's coming. There are too many things I still don't know, and not enough time to even begin to start learning. I shouldn't be so afraid, not when I knew this was what I was signing up for. But I am, and I was equally-but-probably-more terrified by it back then. I guess I thought that in the time leading up to it, I would learn to be okay. I'm not really sure why I thought that, not when even in the months leading up to that decision I was still bursting into tears in front of my class at having to stand up there. I've never been confident in any ability. 

Even just thinking about what I need to do makes my stomach constrict, makes me feel lightheaded, nausea creeping up in my throat and tears clouding my vision. 

At this point, it's basically just the fear of stopping that's keeping me going. There are ways to deal with just about anything. It's easier to not allow yourself to think beyond the next day, the next hour, the next minute, if that's what it takes. (It does.) Things will be okay. (But it's always hardest to believe.) 

Something else is that I'm tired. Tired of never having enough time for anything. For myself, for doing the things that I want or need to do, for seeing and spending time with the people that I want to see. I know that part of it is because this semester is structured so oddly, and I know that things will get better eventually, but it doesn't change how I feel. And I know that in these weeks to come, I'm just going to be more and more tired. Truth be told, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through without breaking down. I don't know if I can go for so long without a reprieve, without-- I'm a touch-dominant person, you know? And no matter what you can say to me, or how much I can tell myself that I believe it, believe you, these words are empty without the tangibility of you by my side. I need to be able to parcel away time where I can see you, take the time to remember who I am. 

I wish that I didn't feel like I'm falling apart in the first place. But I also wish that people wouldn't just believe me when I say I'm fine. This isn't to say that I want people doubting me all the time, or to think that I'm incapable of handling my own life, but when I think you know that I'm not going alright or that I'm lying to you and you don't make an effort, it hurts. More than it originally does. But nor do I want to be the type of person who is always falling on others; sometimes, it's felt as though they're secretly thinking, judging, wishing that I would just get over it (get over myself). 

I've never wanted to be needy, I've always wanted to be better than that, to be the type who is needed. But the fact remains that I am and I always have been not needed but needy. I'm sorry. 

다칠 준비가 돼 있어

알고 또 빠진 난 다칠 준비가 돼 있어

또 떠나가는 널 바라보며 울고 있어

I need therapy, lalalalala therapy

Feels like a pretty accurate summary of my life and feelings right now. I'm also getting on this VIXX thing years late, I already know, shut up. But no, I refuse to learn anything about them. NO. YOU CAN'T SUCK ME IN THAT FAR.

ETA; Back when they first debuted and basically nobody knew about them, I'd already decided that I liked Hyuk, based on this one stupid clip (ugh I'm still screaming at how qt he is) that E (laughs bitterly at how we used to be 'friends') linked on Twitter. I'm...sort of regretting that choice because IT SEEMS LIKE HE DOES ALMOST NOTHING? EVER? (Not that I know anything anyway though.)

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

frustration

the word of the past however many days its been since i last posted here is, as the title implies, frustration. im starting to think that it would be better if i didnt try at all. it might look/sound/feel better for a short while but unfailingly it reverts back anyway. it doesnt make a difference after all. and hope still remains the most treacherous thing do you know?
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지

i do not have writer's block, my writer just hates the clock

It will not let me sleep / I'll get some sleep when I'm dead / And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head

I think I've forgotten how to blog. But then, did I ever really know how? In this generation, there are short attention spans galore... How do you make a blog post interesting? Perhaps I am just not so clever. Anyway, backlogs soon for those of you who still linger around here, I promise. 

taking baby steps

It's hard to remember that we're all getting older sometimes. We celebrate birthdays, congratulate people on making it through another year of their life, but we never really feel all that much different because we're really only just one day older than we were yesterday, though our numerical age has increased.

I feel particularly young at times. Not normally, even though a part of my mind is conscious that I'm still considered the 'baby' amongst those I see the most often, but especially lately. Now I'm taking classes with people, working in pairs and groups with people who are anywhere from months to years to perhaps even decades older than I am. The discussions, viewpoints, abilities that we have make me feel my age more than I normally do. Why do I find it so difficult to become closer with these people who are older? I'm sure they have advice to give me, just as I do for them. Perhaps because, on the inside, I'm still ridiculously immature. Which is not to say that being younger in age automatically makes you immature, let's be clear about that.

On the other hand, in the past year and the few years to come, there's been that steady influx of posts from people who are graduating high school, or coming into their VCE and trying to make their decisions about what to do. These are posts that range in tone, but as the year progresses, I'm certain that there will be ever more posts in relation to 'the end of an era'. These posts make me feel my age, too, because these are people that I do often consider my equals (even if not in all areas of life), but it's easy to forget that they can be significantly younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until these posts make me remember that I left high school five years ago. Not last year, or the year before, but five years ago. It's a pretty significant amount of time, especially when I look back at how naive, reckless, carefree I was back then. I've grown, but I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, immature.

Last week, I accompanied my mother to an appointment with an eye specialist. I've known for a while that her eyesight was slowly going, but it's hard to be shown the visuals and be told that it's 'damaged' and probably 'irreparable'. It's hard to realise that my parents are getting old. Oh, I've always known it, of course, but it's never been a conscious thought that they're getting not simply older, but old. They struggle, are tired all the time, have all these health concerns, how they were surprised by their own ages this year. I can see that they, my mother especially, hates it all a bit. And it's shaming to not be more capable, in life, of taking care of myself, taking care of them. To be unable to be more adult, more grown-up.

But I'm trying a little bit at a time. There's still a long way to go.

don't try to hide, no need to lie

V and I haven't really spoken properly in about eight months or so. We used to be incredibly close but she moved away from Twitter, and even if I saw her on Skype, her name was always accompanied by the bright red sign of someone who was Busy and had Things To Do. I never wanted to feel like I was bothering her which is why it sort of came as a surprise the other day when I logged on and found a message waiting for me, asking if I was free on x date/time to video with her. I was, of course, because mostly my life revolves around activities that involve screaming on the internet and not on things in the outside world. 

So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.

The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong. 

It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.

Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have. 

[x] sweet

Lind prefers lollipops. Derek learns this the first time that he accompanies her and Emma to the park. She likes to slip them into her mouth, sucking until her tongue is stained with bright, artificial colours. Then she sticks it out at whoever's around and Emma shrieks with delighted laughter and pulls at her sleeves, her jacket until she relents and digs into the secret stash in her pockets. She's never without them, and always willing to give them away to children at the park because for all her abrasive tones and cutting jibes at school, she's sweet. Like candy. 

the run and go

- Sealife Aquarium ; Tackier than I remembered it being since that time I went with K, M and C, but I still had fun! Stingrays the best, so cute *O* Ice cream at Crown and then dinner at The Merrywell.
- Dentist ; apparently I haven't made much progress, but it was expected to be slow anyway. It's hard to be patient though when you want instant results. Next appointment is in May.
- The Book Thief ; Ahhh, I'd been so excited for this since the making was announced because I'd read the book before and really enjoyed it. I thought the movie adaption was pretty great, although that might have been because of the acting rather than anything else.
- Richmond Lunar New Year Festival ; Met up with O, X and H and wandered the stalls for a few hours, getting sunburnt in the process, before heading over to Docklands to visit C at work. Ice cream at the Smith St Grocer, and then dinner, of a sort, with X, O and C at Easy Cafe. A quick visit to Maxim's, and then Gong Cha, and sitting around MC just talking.
- House sitting for C ; PUPPIES OuO Cuddles them forever. Pepi will forever be my baby, so small and fluffy wwwwww
- Dinner with SAMA people ; Oriental Spoon and then The Lab for ice cream, though I didn't have any. It just isn't that good to me.
- The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ; I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't yet seen it (why haven't you, what are you doing?!) but suffice to say that I still enjoyed it more than the first part, even with the unnecessary parts that weren't true to the book. Ugh, Tauriel.
- Picnic ; where I met up with some of my lovely tlist friends who I haven't seen in quite a while, and met some new ones too, accompanied by cake and snacks, dip and ice cream and peppero and other foods. B also gifted me with a copy of Kusabi <3
- 47 Ronin ; in which A and I shrieked over Jin's every appearance, commented about the stupidity contained within, got told to "Shut the fuck up!", and V found her JJ&E lookalikes, and we were all thoroughly confused by why it took them so long to make such a mediocre film.
- 4 months ; Apple pie ! On my own... hA
- Lunch with H ; noodles and dumplings and then hanging out and complaining and just generally catching up at the park :3
- Kitchen Workshop ; Thanks to F&Co. Somehow we ended up wrangling free entry. The fare was decent
- CNY ; explored the stalls around Crown after dinner, watched some noodle making and scored a ton of packets of free sauces. Had F&Co. over for 年夜饭, and then again (minus E) for 鱼(余)生. Baked a banana Mars Bar cake. Yum cha at Shark Fin House. Hot pot for dinner for 元宵节. Altogether a pretty good new year period.
- Lunch with S ; dumplings and jjajangmyeon at HGG, and then bubble tea at Chatime
- Skype dates with T and K <33333
- L's birthday ; Yum Cha at Gold Leaf Docklands and then got G to drive me home
- T17 - The Remix Redux ; I can't wait until this is over. I didn't think it'd be so draining when I volunteered and everything started off. Still, I'm satisfied with how we've done, considering all the issues we've faced.
- Thrifting ; picked up some new pairs of shoes, dresses and books, yay.
- Dad, WJ and Mum's birthdays in the span of a week ; Three different cakes and dinners at home :3
- Valentine's Day ; Skype date <3 Also went for a walk with Mum and T in the afternoon to pick up V and almost got hit by a car on the way back, which was completely not our fault. A sign that I should stay indoors, I believe.
- Facetime ; mostly Mum wanted to wish my aunt and uncle happy new year, and then my sister and I chatted with my cousins for a bit. It was a little frustrating but good nonetheless.

I shall attempt to blog more frequently, but I suspect that things may slow even further since uni starts again soon. On top of that, I think education placements run through most of April and the beginning of May, so I'll probably be too tired every day from dealing with and teaching teenagers to talk about what I'm doing. I'll try to keep note of everything that happens though. I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of their holidays.

trace that silver line

Happy Valentine's Day, self; here, have a whole ton of emotional pain :-)

Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend. 

Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.

I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are. 

I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose. 

星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.

falling like that

I've been pretty abysmal at updating here recently. In my defense, the past few weeks have been pretty busy with various things, whether it be outings, or the New Year period, or family related events. I've been unwell for the last few days too, which hasn't really contributed anything towards my desires to catch myself up. I keep finding myself staring at the draft posts I have saved here (12, thus far) and wondering if ever I'll have the energy to finish writing them up and post them. Probably not, since the details of that which I wanted to post about have become quite hazy in my mind.

Ahh, hopefully I'll do better once I've recovered. It should be soon, I think. Mum did some 刮痧 on my neck, shoulders and back last night, which should help. The vainer, shallower side of me cries about how going out will be difficult until the marks of it fade, considering it seems like the heat isn't going to abate too much any time soon; or at least, it would be difficult, if I had anyone I was going to see (I don't). I'll do a round up of the last month at the end of the week, but don't expect any kind of detail there.

I hope everyone (Who is even reading this? Nobody ever tells me) is feeling better and having a more enjoyable holiday than I have been recently. If you're out in any of the fire danger areas, do be careful and keep safe. Possessions mean nothing when compared with your life.

[x] snapshots; silence

He's taking the shortcut through the park home when he sees her. Her eyes are closed, one earbud in, her fingers tapping. He's curious so he sits down, slipping the other earbud in. Nothing. She cracks an eye at him, smirking. She tugs the cord from her pocket, unattached to anything; her fingers tap to a beat that only she can hear. He likes that so he stays, listening to nothing. When the sun disappears, she takes it back from him and stands. He watches a little girl detach herself from the playground, skipping over to take her hand and leave. 

[x] snapshots; long distance

The coins slip from her fingers into the slot and she punches Derek's number in. It's a long while before he picks up; she realises with a jolt it must be past 2AM for him. It's easy to imagine messy hair, half-mast eyes when his sleep roughened voice finally answers. "'lo?" 

She laughs, high, nervous, edged with something unidentifiable. "I'm at a beach somewhere." 

When she starts thinking he's fallen back asleep because he hasn't said anything, he says abrupt but soft, "Take care of yourself." 

"Yeah." She says, because there's nothing else, and breathes until the call runs out. 

welcome to the year of the horse

祝各位幸福美满一整年 龙马精神 身体健康 笑口常开 合家平安 万事如意 新年快乐!


虽然春节到了，可我有一点心痛。。。这样来面对未来行不行？对不起。别担心吧，我一定会回到开心的心情。

[x] snapshots; fight

"C'mon." Derek holds out a hand. "Let's go home." 

"Yeah." After what seems an age she swipes her hand over her forehead and takes his hand. 

She doesn't miss the way his eyes track the movement; the shadow in them tells her she must be smeared with blood. This is the moment that will haunt them both for years. For a split second, Lind sees herself as he must: thin and bleeding, fingernails ripped jagged; feral. He looks like he might be sick but he doesn't shake or flinch from her as he leads her away. They don't look back. 

[x] snapshots; secrets

"Wanna know something," she says. It's not a question so Derek just breathes dust. Lind refuses to roll up her window when she drives. 

"Emma isn't really my sister."

Emma is almost thirteen years younger than her. Derek plays dolls with her sometimes when Lind wants to smoke out the back. 

Lind jerks them over to the side of the road and cuts the engine. "Mum knows this woman - Abby. It could be Abby or Abigail. She calls me Bel." There's something dark and hateful in the back of her voice when she continues. "Only my dad calls me Bel." 

tired

Recently I haven't been feeling all that well. I might just be tired (of life? of what?) despite it only being less than three weeks into the new year. I guess feeling like I am a bother and annoyance is a pretty big part of it too. I'm not entirely sure there's been a day so far this year where I haven't felt bad about something or having unnecessarily whined or complained (or both) about something and bothered other people. It's stupid because I know there are some people who care but I still feel bad, ha. I don't want to say anything because it makes other people feel bad and that just makes me feel even worse and stupid so I guess I'd rather just shut up forever. I keep trying to feel better but it only really works for like five minutes before I go back to feeling down and dumb. 

Sorry.

ETA: um. happier posts soon. really. i promise. 

[x] snapshots; thin

It's months before he notices the way her skin stretches tightly over the bones of her wrist. Her fingers, wrapped around her illegal cigarette, are almost pale, in spite of her tan. 

She breathes smoke out. "What?" 

Her clothes are layered and baggy; her body drowns in them, mysterious. He reaches over and touches her side, trying to feel where fabric ends and she begins. 

She drops the cigarette and smacks his hand away. "Don't," she says sharply, angry. She walks away, disappearing into the crowds on the streets. 

He watches the cigarette burn out. He never sees her eat. 

it's not you, it's me

Friendships have always fucked me up more than anything else. I've never thought that I would become that sort of self-involved person; I've always thought it was bullshit. I don't think I've done it in the past. But clearly I didn't feel so strongly then as I do now. Maybe that's why it didn't last, so perhaps I have been doing it wrong all along. But if it turns out that everything is a competition and this is what you sacrifice--I don't even know how to finish that. It seems so wrong in my head. I wonder whether M and G were right. I'm upset and I'm sorry.

So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?

[x] snapshots; beginnings

It's a Tuesday. She shows up with tiny plastic butterfly clips in her hair, chewing cinnamon gum and calls him Dick. Not even twenty minutes into class. Just leans right over into his personal space, jabs him in the chest and says, "If you fuck anything up, I'll end you, Dick." 

His name isn't Dick, it's Derek. And if she meant it as an insult, he's offended by the implied capital letter. He's a pretty decent guy. 

On Wednesday she comes to school with pigtails and speaking in Spanish. She's sort of beautiful, in a really dysfunctional kind of way. 

by yourself, you'll lose sight of tomorrow

The worst part about experiencing some really terrible things from other people is how long they stick with you afterwards. It taints your outlook on humanity, even if you don't consciously think about it all the time because hey, you are surrounded with plenty of amazing people. But even just the smallest thing can set you off, can make you flashback to a different time, place, person, incident. You know it's irrational, that the person/people that you're with now aren't anything like that. You think they could never be like that. But can you know for sure?

The hardest part is telling other people about it. You count yourself lucky that you haven't had to experience the things that other people you know have. You know people who have been through worse things than you. There will always be people who are worse off than you, in all aspects of life. It doesn't negate your feelings and experiences though.

No matter what it is, these sorts of things aren't the type of things that you can just bring up in conversation. It's not easy. It might be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to say to someone else. But you'll bring yourself to do it anyway. Because it's important for them to know. Because you want them to know.

Because you trust them never to use it against you.

reflections on 2013 to make for a happy 2014

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.

5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.

23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.

28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*

29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.

34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.

37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう　恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame 

Happy New Year ♥