remember that morning is when night is dead

Dear 2016!self,

Honestly, current self is a bit unsure about how to feel in regards to this year. Re-reading last year's note really just highlights how much you let yourself down this year. But at the same time, there are things that you're really proud of yourself for, too. I wonder what you will feel at the end of 2016. I hope your feelings are a lot more clear cut than they are this year.

A lot of things changed for you this year. You officially graduated, with a ceremony and everything. Though you didn't get pictures with that many people, (most of) the important ones were there for you. You have a Big Kid job now, though you haven't started yet. I wonder how it went for you. C and T seem nice, as do the rest of the team. I hope you can do well and can say that you're proud of the work you put it. You ventured more actively into a field that you've been interested in for a while. I hope that in a year's time, you have shared that with your friends instead of being secretive about it. If not, that's okay too. Some things you're allowed to keep for yourself.

You really fell off with blogging this year. With writing, too, to an extent. But these are things you will always come back to. You worked on fic this year, took a step out of your comfort zone and showed people, with mixed results. The important thing is that you did it, and you can keep doing it. You have a lot of thinvs that are sitting unfinished, but you're alright with that now. Maybe those aren't the stories that you are meant to tell. I think you will know when you have the riht one. Don't stop going back and looking at them, working on them in bits and pieces though. The only way to improve is to work at it.

Friendships came with difficulty this year. You did as well as you could, with what you knew at the time. You might be resented, and you are resentful, but remember that feelings are valid. There is only so much you can do, or take. You agree with L a bit more now: true friends can appreciate the strength of moral character to stick to one's own beliefs and self, though you do still think suppressing certain traits can't be so difficult if you value the person. Life is about balance. You met a whole bunch of wonderful new people this year like E and A, and reconnected with old friends you weren't sure you would meet again. You lost people, in the literal and metaphorical sense of the word. You will miss them, always, for the memories that you hold with them. Treasure the time you had together, make the most of the time you have with the people in your life now.

Your heart wavered this year, struggling to reconcile distance and feelings. But you made it through. Next year will be harder, with both of you so busy, but I hope you are still happy, still committed to growing a life between the two of you. I wonder where you will be - together, or still apart, or making plans. I'm excited for what your future holds, though it's still hazy when you look ahead. I hope next year you can have travelled together, at least for a short time. Remember to talk, communication is so important, you learnt and understood that lesson this year more than ever. Remember to be thankful, every day, for what you can have, and what you are given. You still don't think you really deserve it all. But...Keep going. Improve each other. This is worth it, you know that.

You had so much fun this year, despite the downs. You missed out on meeting Josh and Tyler again this year, maybe next year will be your year. You did get to meet Andrew, who was absolutely lovely and you're so thankful for that even if you were tongue-tied and didn't get to tell him what he means to you. You saw BTS! And somehow came out of it liking certain members more than before, but that seems to be the norm for you. You saw Big Bang! And despite the awfulness of the day and the people, the atmosphere and the show were incredible. You were lucky enough to see them drive away, remember that. Most importantly, you finally got to meet Beast. Though you didn't get to speak with them, those short moments are something that you will never forget. They've touched you, inspired you, helped you to find meaning and brought you so much happiness, you won't ever know how to describe it. You nearly cried, remember how seeing them, touching them, listening to them made you feel. Never forget. They helped build you into the person you are now. I hope next year, you have seen even more people and stories that make up your life.

It's strange to think that a whole year has passed again. You're in a different place now than you were back then, of course, but it's been good. Life is a journey, and you've made it this far. You can make it through whatever the future holds as well. It was a good year, in the grand scheme of things and that is what's important. It gets easier every year to reflect on what you've had and experienced, and to look at it as a learning and growing process. I hope that next year you are proud of the choices that you made and the paths that you took. I hope you did well in them. Try not to regret. Remember to try and stay optimistic. Work hard. Be happy. Remember that it's okay to change your mind. Stay passionate, stay healthy. Enjoy life as it comes, but remember to plan ahead. You will be fine. You have been this far, haven't you?

Love,
2015!self.

when i fall down it's just me and the ground

No matter how much I try to stay away, only coming back in fits and starts, things aren't actually that much easier to deal with. Things are very much one step forward, two steps back. Some days I think that I'm better. More often, perhaps, I tell myself that I am because I want, so desperately, to be. I don't even know, really, what happened that was so bad, how things got so bad, that I'm here now. (This is a lie; I know. I wish the encounter had been less hostile, but I shouldn't have been surprised. It always was my fault, anyway.)

I spend a lot of time swinging between feeling angry, and apathetic, and incredibly sad, and pretending that things are going to be all right. So. Yeah. I'm spending a lot of time kind of flailing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the fuck is actually going on.

I wish I had been strong enough back then to really tell somebody in my direct, personal life about what happened during those long months. Speaking to L helped a lot, but what good was that when I could never have more than the words on the page, could never feel her arms around me in an embrace of solidarity, reassurance that I could move on one day. (And I have, mostly.) But then again, even if I had the chance to change something, I would still make the choice not to tell. Nobody else deserves to have to shoulder this alongside me; I would rather keep them safe in their belief that these sorts of things don't happen to their friends. In the end, it was only ever on me to make my decisions. And I made all the wrong ones.

K and M, I know, suspect; G, I think, knows and blames herself. I have never heard her mention C again, and a part of me regrets that - they were close before. I want to tell her that it's not her fault, that she could no more predict what happened than I could, but how can I now? When so much time has passed and we have never spoken of it. The more time passes, the less often we speak, and the easier it is to just keep silent.

There are days when I want to cling to someone and cry. There are more days when I keep it all together in front of everyone and not let on that life can still hurt you, even after you go through so much shit. It's interesting how people rarely pick up on the false cheer, or the way it feels like my mouth is going to melt off my face, or the way that I've apparently perfected not letting on that I am constantly braced for--something. It's easy to see only what we want to see; easier still when you have no notion of how closely the darkness can hang over others. For all the empathy and sympathy we have, most of the time words are still only words until they hit someone close to you.

Even though I cry over sad things, it's the things that give me hope that make me cry the hardest. I'm making time these days to go back and sit down with A again. I need it. Apart from L, she is the only one who knows the truth about the secrets of that time. She told me recently that one day, no matter what, I would be happy again, that we would, we all would, and every day would have smiles and laughter. It's hard to remember that, most of all, but I try to believe it.