전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.

cos i'm dreaming that i'm sinking again

it ain't easy you know, to leave the darkness behind

I feel sick every time I start working towards what's coming. There are too many things I still don't know, and not enough time to even begin to start learning. I shouldn't be so afraid, not when I knew this was what I was signing up for. But I am, and I was equally-but-probably-more terrified by it back then. I guess I thought that in the time leading up to it, I would learn to be okay. I'm not really sure why I thought that, not when even in the months leading up to that decision I was still bursting into tears in front of my class at having to stand up there. I've never been confident in any ability. 

Even just thinking about what I need to do makes my stomach constrict, makes me feel lightheaded, nausea creeping up in my throat and tears clouding my vision. 

At this point, it's basically just the fear of stopping that's keeping me going. There are ways to deal with just about anything. It's easier to not allow yourself to think beyond the next day, the next hour, the next minute, if that's what it takes. (It does.) Things will be okay. (But it's always hardest to believe.) 

Something else is that I'm tired. Tired of never having enough time for anything. For myself, for doing the things that I want or need to do, for seeing and spending time with the people that I want to see. I know that part of it is because this semester is structured so oddly, and I know that things will get better eventually, but it doesn't change how I feel. And I know that in these weeks to come, I'm just going to be more and more tired. Truth be told, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through without breaking down. I don't know if I can go for so long without a reprieve, without-- I'm a touch-dominant person, you know? And no matter what you can say to me, or how much I can tell myself that I believe it, believe you, these words are empty without the tangibility of you by my side. I need to be able to parcel away time where I can see you, take the time to remember who I am. 

I wish that I didn't feel like I'm falling apart in the first place. But I also wish that people wouldn't just believe me when I say I'm fine. This isn't to say that I want people doubting me all the time, or to think that I'm incapable of handling my own life, but when I think you know that I'm not going alright or that I'm lying to you and you don't make an effort, it hurts. More than it originally does. But nor do I want to be the type of person who is always falling on others; sometimes, it's felt as though they're secretly thinking, judging, wishing that I would just get over it (get over myself). 

I've never wanted to be needy, I've always wanted to be better than that, to be the type who is needed. But the fact remains that I am and I always have been not needed but needy. I'm sorry. 

다칠 준비가 돼 있어

알고 또 빠진 난 다칠 준비가 돼 있어

또 떠나가는 널 바라보며 울고 있어

I need therapy, lalalalala therapy

Feels like a pretty accurate summary of my life and feelings right now. I'm also getting on this VIXX thing years late, I already know, shut up. But no, I refuse to learn anything about them. NO. YOU CAN'T SUCK ME IN THAT FAR.

ETA; Back when they first debuted and basically nobody knew about them, I'd already decided that I liked Hyuk, based on this one stupid clip (ugh I'm still screaming at how qt he is) that E (laughs bitterly at how we used to be 'friends') linked on Twitter. I'm...sort of regretting that choice because IT SEEMS LIKE HE DOES ALMOST NOTHING? EVER? (Not that I know anything anyway though.)

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

frustration

the word of the past however many days its been since i last posted here is, as the title implies, frustration. im starting to think that it would be better if i didnt try at all. it might look/sound/feel better for a short while but unfailingly it reverts back anyway. it doesnt make a difference after all. and hope still remains the most treacherous thing do you know?
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
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