even if time were to reverse, it would still be impossible to take it back

Dear 2015!self,

Somehow you've made it this far, and now who knows where you'll be at this time next year? Taking a look back at 2013's note, you really haven't done too badly for yourself in all respects of life. You're doing well. You've been through a lot of interesting changes and experiences and current!self is still sometimes surprised by them; hopefully you're doing better by now.

You made it through your university degree! Be proud even though you know you still could have done better, but you know what? It's over. You finished, graduated (at least, you will have by the time you read this again) and you're happy with how you did. You aced that portfolio, and you survived those placements rounds. You went for your certification. Do you have a Big Kid job now? Are you fully certified? I wonder. Whatever path you've taken, I hope it's been worth it, I hope you've been happy.

Even though you didn't manage to finish either Metro or RTN this year, that's okay. Maybe one day you'll come back to them. Right now, you've got something that you're working on. I wonder if you'll have finished the main story for the UAPM!AU (as it remains tentatively titled as now) yet. Don't give up on it, you have people cheering you on. You're loving it right now, despite the difficulty, and I hope that you still do. Even if this is not a road and only a side-street, show people. It's hard to expose yourself in that way, but it'll be worth it. You've always wanted to make people feel.

You did better at talking to people this year. Remember meeting M/E/F/K/M? Even though you lost contact with them, you're proud of yourself for being brave enough to reach out like that. You reconciled your feelings about others this year, which you're glad for. It's good to know that you've matured. I think that by now you've worked out who's in your life to stay, who is most important, and who you're better off without. You cut some ties, and you don't regret it (much). You're making an effort to stay in touch with people from your past; keep that up, it's important not to forget where you came from. No matter what, don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. Other people mean it when they say it's okay; try to believe that people really mean the nice things they say. Your friends are better than you deserve.

Your heart is still going strong. Are you surprised? I know I am, a little. Happily surprised, though. It was hard, with the distances that separated you but it was good, helpful. You know yourself better now. You talked a little about the things that kept you prisoner for so long, and that helped a lot, I think. Talk more. Things won't ever get better unless you do. Pick your fights and your words wisely. Next year will have been harder, but I hope you made it through together. It's worth it. You're incredibly lucky. I wonder what plans the two of you have made now.

You didn't go to nearly as many things this year as you wanted to. Still, you loved the ones that you did go to. Tyler and Josh touched your heart in person even if you missed the signing (will you have forgiven yourself by now? Maybe you've had another chance) and B1A4 were (as expected) lovely and cute and amazing (you've even gotten over your odd Gongchan dislike!). Kina was a delight, as was Les Mis. Will you go to more musicals? There's a lot of good ones coming up that you'll love, I'm sure.

It's hard to remember to be patient, to make an effort and try, but you'll regret it later if you don't. It was a good year. It was. Even though you're afraid, I hope you ploughed on forward relentlessly. If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do it.  You had a lot of good things come your way this year. You learnt a lot and I hope you can be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, person. There's always something to work on. (Please don't have turned into a HK! I'll never forgive you!)

I wonder what you think of yourself now, reading this. Maybe you can laugh at yourself; it gets a little easier each year, doesn't it? It's nice to think that you've grown up, at least a little. Here's to hoping that you're happier, wiser, more organised, thankful for the people you have in your life and excited for what else your future holds.

Love,
2014!self.

don't try to hide, no need to lie

V and I haven't really spoken properly in about eight months or so. We used to be incredibly close but she moved away from Twitter, and even if I saw her on Skype, her name was always accompanied by the bright red sign of someone who was Busy and had Things To Do. I never wanted to feel like I was bothering her which is why it sort of came as a surprise the other day when I logged on and found a message waiting for me, asking if I was free on x date/time to video with her. I was, of course, because mostly my life revolves around activities that involve screaming on the internet and not on things in the outside world. 

So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.

The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong. 

It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.

Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have. 

life, beyond what lies before my eyes

Dear 2014!Wen,

So I looked back at last year's note and well, it's a bit hard to tell whether you did better this year than you did last year. Maybe your goals ended up not so great, but that's okay. You took it easier this year, and you're glad that you did. It brought less stress to your life, and you're happy with yourself. You are.

2014 will be super stressful for you. Try not to push yourself to live up to the expectations that everyone might have for you because you can't please everyone. Just do what you can for yourself. I hope you're doing well though. But if not, it's alright; it's not your fault. I hope you don't care what people think now. You're getting more comfortable with who you are. Don't lose that. I wonder how you survived the year. How did you pull off that portfolio? Teaching those kids? Are you really going to be certified? Did you manage to find a job? I don't doubt that you managed to pull it all off. I hope you are more mature, calm, critical.

Is your dream still the same? Time is precious and you won't have as much time to work on it, but I hope you haven't given up. Think about what you've promised yourself. Finish Metro, finish RTN. Put something out there, even if you have to pay for it yourself. This is what you've been doing since you were young. It's real, from your heart. Do more things for yourself, and stop expecting the worst!

Are you saving up? At the end of the year like this, are you going to visit your family again? I hope so. You miss traveling. You miss your family. You want to meet K and L and A, too. You want to see those that had such influence on your life for so long. Try to get closer to where you want to be. Learn to drive, PLEASE. PLEASE DO IT THIS YEAR. I hope you are; or I'll be upset at you for being so pitiful.

People are annoying. Friends have come and gone because you can't seem to forgive them for their mistakes. Your forgiveness has a long way to go. Don't push yourself to be nice. Do your calling out with love behind it. Remember to give people second chances. You're not perfect either. Don't forget to keep reaching out to L and T; they are so, so precious to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help either, because it's alright for you to not feel okay. Don't wait for people because you're afraid and you put on a front around them. It's okay to open up to new people too! Though you don't know them too well yet, making the first move brought you ABC and they're already special to you.

By this time next year, hopefully you'll have been with O for over a year. How is he doing? Did he successfully complete his thesis? I hope that you did what you could to be there for him, because he'll be there for you when you need it. I hope everything is going well with you two, that you stayed together and dealt with the tough times; doubtless there will be thousands of them. (I know myself, after all.) Even if you're not still together (though I do hope you are, and are making it last), that's just fine. You will be beautiful to who else comes along into your life, too.

A lot of things weren't possible for you before this year. Remember that. Though it'll be a long journey with lots of mistakes every year, it'll be worth it. You'll be proud of yourself for being able to surpass things that you couldn't before. You survived all the bad things from the past, and I hope you spent 2014 with all the good things that you brought into the year with you.

I hope 2014 is bright and productive. I hope you are able to stay healthy, hopeful, positive, determined. I hope that you make the best of 2014. I hope that you are able to go for what you want, regardless of your fears. I hope you are able to get a handle of your life and go with what comes at you.

You will be happy in 2014, because you have really amazing friends and they will love you and support you, no matter how far away from them you may be. You have inner fears, but you can't go around fearing that you're doing everything wrong. You will be fine. Act, but act wisely. I hope that as you're reading this, you feel like you've got good things coming for you.

Love, 2013!Wen.

the years chase me and accelerate

My sister came home the other day to have dinner, catch up with us all, talk a little bit more about birthday plans. She asked me what I wanted her to get me, which was a little odd because she's never asked this question before. In the past, she's always chosen gifts that I can appreciate. I suppose it's harder this year, when she's been away so often and we've grown apart in so many ways. It will always be easy to fall back into those patterns together though.

I've always considered myself an easy person to buy for, when people have bothered. Perhaps it helps that I do believe in the thought counting. Unless your birthday gift happens to be Christmas themed. Then you're just going on my shitlist. Still, this year I've gotten closer to people that I wouldn't have thought myself to be really friends with before, which made me realise that perhaps it would be a good idea to make a sort of wishlist.

1. Books! I love reading. I'm not an e-book person, though I will succumb to it for the convenience. There's not a lot that's better than opening a new book and just breathing it in, having the covers, the pages underneath your fingertips.
Books I'm after in particular include: Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy (preferably without anything relating to the upcoming movie on the cover of Divergent). Melissa Marr's Wicked Lovely series. D.J MacHale's The Pendragon Adventure series and Morpheus Road series. Alexandra Bracken's The Darkest Minds series would be great too, even though the third book isn't slated to be released until next year. A copy of Ela's Gravity (if she still has some printed) would also be super fabulous.

2. Perfume. Specifically, Thierry Mugler's Angel and Yves Saint Laurent's Paris. I received these as samples long ago and liked them both, but somehow never got around to purchasing them for myself.

3. Shoesssss. Wedges, in particular, though I always want new shoes. My parents always tell me I have too many pairs of shoes, but the problem is that most of mine are not suited towards casual everyday wear.

4. Anything from Snack Heroes ! Except the ice cream maker. We already have one. Not that we use it that often since there's never room in the freezer.

5. Jewelry. I like rings. A lot. A nice watch wouldn't go amiss either.

6. Tickets to Wicked, The Musical next year. Or tickets for The Visitors or In The Kingdom of Cha by MTC. I miss going to see plays and these two look super interesting.

7. New flavours of tea. Fruit teas will probably always be my love but I've recently acquired a taste for nutty flavoured tea.

Hmm, I can't think of anything else at the moment, though I'm sure there's more that I would love to receive. I'd be pretty well pleased with just about anything since normally I don't really get anything at all.

we're multiplying, there might be one here

Tonight I went to see 俺俺 at ACMI for the Japanese Film Festival. I've been looking forward to this movie ever since it was first announced because really, what could be better than a movie with Kame playing 33 characters? (A movie with Jin playing all the characters, tbh. Is my bias showing?) Even without the allure of seeing Kame onscreen, the plot itself is delicious. It's not a movie that I could watch regularly, but I'd still definitely put it on my favourites list. T and the older couple sitting beside her cracked up at me though for freaking out before the movie had properly started :( I'm sorry I have a lot of feelings. Subs for the movie are already out online, but mostly I wanted to go for the Q&A session that was hosted with the director afterwards.

It was actually a little awkward (which I expected, because of the disconnect between translations, but also because interviews are almost always a bit awkward) but most of the questions that were asked were great. (Except for that one woman who had a comment and a question and was talking for literally like 5 minutes. I wanted to punch because she would not shut up and I'm not even sure her comment made complete sense because that's what happens when you say things on the fly, ugh.) Satoshi Miki was really nice about it all though, and his answers were all really interesting to hear. I managed to get down most of the Q&A; at some point I'll probably transcribe that for KTL or KTWW or something. He was super nice afterwards too, hanging around outside the cinema to take photos and shake hands and sign autographs :(

I also managed to make new JE friends! Mostly because they were hanging around afterwards too and talking about things and I sort of slyly inserted myself into their conversation, haha. I think B and I will get along great. C and A seem really nice and fun too, as well as the rest of the group whose names I didn't manage to catch. We hung around outside ACMI for a while just talking and flailing about things, and eventually got told off by other people who were standing around in Fed Sq for being too loud. (What else is new though?) We swapped u/ns, and have tentative plans for karaoke in a few weeks, so I think we're going to be, well, pretty good friends. They all headed back to Flinders while A and I walked down Swanston since A lives on LaTrobe and I was meeting my sister at Rooftop in Curtin House since it was her actual birthday.

I ended up walking all seven flights of stairs because there was a group of people lingering outside the lift and I don't have the patience for that. It was probably good for me, anyway, considering that T and I lived the fat life today. It took me a while to work out where my sister and her friends were, I am not good at recognising people from the back, and even less so when it is dark, but I found them in the end. I don't really know many of her friends well plus I was pretty tired from being out most of the day, but I talked to D, M, and A for a while. Right before I left I ended up spotting L, who I haven't seen in months! This was pretty much the last place that I expected to run into her. So I chatted to her for a bit before I left and collapsed at home, about life and her plans and her scooter accident and shitty internet. We'll make proper plans for a real catch up, probably with the whole group, some time soon so that'll be the best.

Tomorrow I'm checking out the RDH function room for my joint birthday with my younger sister, and then on Sunday O is coming to stay over before he leaves me (again) for other, sunnier places, so the next few days will be fun too, at least.

what's cooler than being cool

Since T leaves in almost exactly a month, I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible. She's one of the few people that I genuinely like seeing and talking to on a regular basis so next year's going to be pretty hard, considering the time difference and how exhausted she'll be from working all the time. I think the distance will most likely change some things, but I have confidence that we'll make it through without any serious problems. We are, after all, fated to be friends in a multitude of ways.

We met up in the city around lunch time yesterday to have a cafe date. We ended up with a platter to share and individual drinks (milk for T and dark for me), which looked absolutely amazing. I think out of the entire platter, the only thing that we were less than impressed with was the cake. It was incredibly dense and while the topping was great, the cake itself paled in comparison to everything else on the platter. We were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half, though we definitely should have dragged it out for longer considering how hot it was outside. It was pretty funny because our table looked a thousand times more romantic than the tables of the legitimate couples that were in there.

After that we headed over to Boost so T could grab a watermelon crush, and then we wandered over to JB Hi-Fi so that I could make a vague attempt at finding an OST for L's birthday since she collects like a crazy person who has too much money to spare. I'm not entirely sure why it is exactly that every time I go out somewhere with T, we end up sitting on the floor. It was actually a little bit awkward because every time a store assistant would walk into the aisle we'd hurriedly make it seem as if we were looking at DVD titles on the shelves. I have to say though that we did find some pretty great things lingering in the boxes under the shelves. At some point I'll have to go back to get those. We also checked out Cotton On Body and Daiso for a while before heading down to meet her mother after work so we could get a lift from the station to T's house.

The trip was pretty non-eventful, apart from the idiot who was playing his music through his phone speakers loud enough for basically the entire carriage to hear it. T's mum decided to take a walk after we reached the house, so T and I changed our clothes and sort of just lounged around various parts of the house until she got back and we decided to have our pasta and meatballs for dinner. Post-dinner we rolled back into T's room, just talking and then looking up easy recipes for baking. I was super tired and so I napped for about an hour while she did laptop/internet things before getting up for baking.

We'd decided on vanilla cupcakes with frosting, except the recipe made 24 cupcakes and considering T's mum is on a Lite n Easy diet so we decided to half it. Which caused a bit of confusion when we tried to figure out half of thirds. But we got there in the end and I got to watch while T wrestled out, and with, the Kenwood kitchen aid they'd bought for her mum's 50th a few weeks back. Making the cupcakes themselves went fine, and we ended up putting some chocolate and macarons into the middle of half of them; the real problem started when we started trying to make the frosting because it turned out that T didn't have any icing sugar left in the house. Utilising the wonders of technology, we Googled a substitute recipe and were informed by the internet that we could just blend normal, granulated sugar down and use that instead. So we did. And it did not go so well. The frosting recipe called for a stupid amount of sugar, to begin with, and then we couldn't blend the sugar down fine enough, and then we may have added too much liquid. It's also possible that the oils from the butter began to separate as well. Eventually we tried fixing it like we did the last time that we messed up frosting - by melting it down, except that didn't work either because as soon as we took it off the stove the sugar started granulating again. In the end we just ditched it all down the sink. All up, baking and cleaning up took a ridiculous 3 hours. Never trust the preparation/cooking times on recipes - they're never right.

We Youtubed a bit, rolled around in bed and talked before finally falling asleep around 2.30-3-ish. Originally, we set the alarm for about 9am; in reality, we ended up getting up around 11. I showered while T had breakfast, and then we swapped over. It's funny how I've stayed at S's house a lot more than I've stayed at T's, yet T's house is where I feel a thousand times more at home. I packed up all my things, including my Christmas gift from T (a hilarious cross-stitch) and we headed over to uni for AXPP. Not that I particularly care about Pokemon - I just wanted to see/touch a few people and eat free food. I am all about free things, don't you know?

90% of the people there were people that I either didn't know or didn't really like, and those I did like were pretty occupied with Pokemon (obviously) or other people, so T and I ended up hiding out in corners/in TLS/the bathroom for most of the time. T mostly just laughed or fondled her Pokemon while I selca'd and snapchatted in all locations we were in. Whatever. After lunch, we hung around for the first round of the tournament, and then ran away to get McFlurry's. I turned mine into a spider using one of the eight cans of soft drink that I walked away from AXPP with, ha. Because everything in Australia is a goddamn spider. Fun times.

hear them promise a story if only i'll listen

Every day I tell myself I should do something productive, except oh wait, I'm not done with all that nothing I already started.

Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.

After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.

An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.

I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?

living life hard until we die

SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.

I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.

C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.

I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.

Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out

Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.

L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.

I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.

let your hair down

There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!

T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

like one, two, three, start afresh

Today my brother officially moved into his house. Though it's not moving in, exactly, since he's still going to be living at home because it's closer to work. In any case, his house is now officially fit to live in. If you discount the noticeable lack of any kind of furniture. It's stocked with his clothes and toiletries and kitchen utensils and cutlery and non-perishable foods though. I'm not really sure why we had to spend the entire day there though. After my mother did some incomprehensible Chinese ritual, we carted everything inside. 

I am clearly not cut out to ever try to assemble anything, even when given written directions. Instead, I got relegated to washing and putting things away. There really wasn't a lot to do and I spent the better part of the afternoon just lying on the floor on my phone, writing, and then napping when I got cold. Since it's a new developmental area the reception, and the 3G, is sketchy at best so there wasn't a whole lot I could really do. 

I'm not really sure what he's going to do with the house now though. I guess eventually it'll go up for rent? I can't imagine any of us moving in there, since it's a good 40-45 minute drive out of the city. I really like the set up of the house though, particularly the open kitchen-living-dining area. We're still working on the backyard though - it still needs to be paved and grassed and fenced off. The surrounding area is really nice too! There's a playground and a walking circuit just out the back, and the shopping centre is only about 15 minutes walk away. 

I don't really think of my brother as old, or even that much older than me, in any sense. That he actually owns a house now is sort of an odd thing to think about. It's like he should be in a steady relationship and preparing to get married or something like that. 

an exercise in writing

For the longest time I shied away from the idea of blogging. Not because I thought it was stupid or anything like that, but rather, because I was afraid that I would be unable to transcribe my thoughts a) into anything resembling coherent and b) in a way that would be interesting for other people to read if they happened to stumble across my posts.

This is an attempt.