it's an uncertain road but i will fly up

Dear 2018!self,

There are so many things that changed for you in 2017. I wonder if 2018 was any better for you. I wonder if you're happy again. You weren't for a lot of this year but you're moving forward, as slow as progress can seem a lot of the time. You'll be okay. You always are.

You experienced a lot of different things this year: exciting and shiny and new, dark and cold and upsetting. How many emotions did you feel this year, there were too many to even begin to think about; an entire spectrum. You met new people, reconnected with the old, and lost some in more ways than one. Still, you're incredibly lucky to have the people around you that you do. Do your best to keep cultivating those as best you can. You've never been great at being the first to reach out but make an effort. Mend those bridges. Treasure what you have because you don't know when it might leave you.

You realised that more than ever this year. As always, you've lost friends to distance and difference. It's not a bad thing like you used to think it was. There might be a time where you come together again in the future, but if not, that's alright too.

It's strange to look back at last year's note. All the things that you hoped for and wished for, how many of them did you get? You and O aren't a thing anymore, and you were so angry about that for a long time. But you know, now more than ever, how exhausting holding onto anger can be. You spent a lot of time being bitter and upset and confused, looking back at every instance and wondering where it all went wrong; when did things start to change; why didn't you notice. A says that it is okay though; he was your first real love and that is always going to be special to you. You learnt a lot about yourself during that time, you know yourself better now, and you're thankful that you had the time that you did. There are so many memories and they're all precious to you. You've let it go, and you're moving forward, one step at a time. A tells you to be kind to yourself so I hope that you're keeping that up.

There were a lot of other things that impacted you this year. Jonghyun's passing affected you much more than you thought that it would. Despite how little attention you have given in recent years, he was an integral part of shaping you into the person that you are now. You cried, talking about it with A. One of the hardest sessions that you've ever had, but your feelings around it are resolved. There's a lot that you're not happy with, but these idols are so, so important to you. Music gives life to those feelings when you can't find the right words to describe them yourself. Do what you can to show them how much you love them.

2017 was truly the year you went to concerts. Each of them was an unforgettable experience, even with the struggles. There were throwbacks to your teenage days, there were bright new current states. Even if he will never remember it, you managed to tell JB how much he means to you.

You travelled much more this year. Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, Japan. The trips weren't always what you dreamed they would be, but they were good nonetheless. You had fun. You saw your first snowfall too. I wonder if you will have travelled next year. I hope so. There are a lot of places you want to go still. Do it while you have the chance. You don't know what could change.

Somehow work was harder for you this year, despite how you thought it would be easier. You're coming to terms with the fact that you can't make everyone happy all the time. I hope that you are still working hard and aren't taking it for granted. Don't be afraid to look for help when you need it. Don't be afraid to try new things. You don't have to be friends with everyone but you do need to be able to work with them.

I wonder where you will be this time next year. I wonder what you will passionate about in 2018. Will you have finished Boom Boom, will you have successfully completed NaNoWriMo? You're getting closer to it every year you try. Will you still be in love with kpop? I hope you are, I hope you have something that keeps you going. Happiness seems like a lofty goal, but strive for it anyway. You might not get there but at the very least, I hope that you are content with where you are. Maybe that's more important than happiness.

Whatever it is that you do and wherever you are, I hope that you're satisfied with your year. I hope that you did your best to grow and be a better person, one that you like better than the person that you were in 2017. You don't have to decide tomorrow today but keep looking forward. Find the path that you want to take. Be safe. Be healthy. Be someone who people would be proud to know. Prove that you're worth their belief.

The skyway is bright. You will be okay.

Love,
2017!self.

that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.

remember that morning is when night is dead

Dear 2016!self,

Honestly, current self is a bit unsure about how to feel in regards to this year. Re-reading last year's note really just highlights how much you let yourself down this year. But at the same time, there are things that you're really proud of yourself for, too. I wonder what you will feel at the end of 2016. I hope your feelings are a lot more clear cut than they are this year.

A lot of things changed for you this year. You officially graduated, with a ceremony and everything. Though you didn't get pictures with that many people, (most of) the important ones were there for you. You have a Big Kid job now, though you haven't started yet. I wonder how it went for you. C and T seem nice, as do the rest of the team. I hope you can do well and can say that you're proud of the work you put it. You ventured more actively into a field that you've been interested in for a while. I hope that in a year's time, you have shared that with your friends instead of being secretive about it. If not, that's okay too. Some things you're allowed to keep for yourself.

You really fell off with blogging this year. With writing, too, to an extent. But these are things you will always come back to. You worked on fic this year, took a step out of your comfort zone and showed people, with mixed results. The important thing is that you did it, and you can keep doing it. You have a lot of thinvs that are sitting unfinished, but you're alright with that now. Maybe those aren't the stories that you are meant to tell. I think you will know when you have the riht one. Don't stop going back and looking at them, working on them in bits and pieces though. The only way to improve is to work at it.

Friendships came with difficulty this year. You did as well as you could, with what you knew at the time. You might be resented, and you are resentful, but remember that feelings are valid. There is only so much you can do, or take. You agree with L a bit more now: true friends can appreciate the strength of moral character to stick to one's own beliefs and self, though you do still think suppressing certain traits can't be so difficult if you value the person. Life is about balance. You met a whole bunch of wonderful new people this year like E and A, and reconnected with old friends you weren't sure you would meet again. You lost people, in the literal and metaphorical sense of the word. You will miss them, always, for the memories that you hold with them. Treasure the time you had together, make the most of the time you have with the people in your life now.

Your heart wavered this year, struggling to reconcile distance and feelings. But you made it through. Next year will be harder, with both of you so busy, but I hope you are still happy, still committed to growing a life between the two of you. I wonder where you will be - together, or still apart, or making plans. I'm excited for what your future holds, though it's still hazy when you look ahead. I hope next year you can have travelled together, at least for a short time. Remember to talk, communication is so important, you learnt and understood that lesson this year more than ever. Remember to be thankful, every day, for what you can have, and what you are given. You still don't think you really deserve it all. But...Keep going. Improve each other. This is worth it, you know that.

You had so much fun this year, despite the downs. You missed out on meeting Josh and Tyler again this year, maybe next year will be your year. You did get to meet Andrew, who was absolutely lovely and you're so thankful for that even if you were tongue-tied and didn't get to tell him what he means to you. You saw BTS! And somehow came out of it liking certain members more than before, but that seems to be the norm for you. You saw Big Bang! And despite the awfulness of the day and the people, the atmosphere and the show were incredible. You were lucky enough to see them drive away, remember that. Most importantly, you finally got to meet Beast. Though you didn't get to speak with them, those short moments are something that you will never forget. They've touched you, inspired you, helped you to find meaning and brought you so much happiness, you won't ever know how to describe it. You nearly cried, remember how seeing them, touching them, listening to them made you feel. Never forget. They helped build you into the person you are now. I hope next year, you have seen even more people and stories that make up your life.

It's strange to think that a whole year has passed again. You're in a different place now than you were back then, of course, but it's been good. Life is a journey, and you've made it this far. You can make it through whatever the future holds as well. It was a good year, in the grand scheme of things and that is what's important. It gets easier every year to reflect on what you've had and experienced, and to look at it as a learning and growing process. I hope that next year you are proud of the choices that you made and the paths that you took. I hope you did well in them. Try not to regret. Remember to try and stay optimistic. Work hard. Be happy. Remember that it's okay to change your mind. Stay passionate, stay healthy. Enjoy life as it comes, but remember to plan ahead. You will be fine. You have been this far, haven't you?

Love,
2015!self.

even if time were to reverse, it would still be impossible to take it back

Dear 2015!self,

Somehow you've made it this far, and now who knows where you'll be at this time next year? Taking a look back at 2013's note, you really haven't done too badly for yourself in all respects of life. You're doing well. You've been through a lot of interesting changes and experiences and current!self is still sometimes surprised by them; hopefully you're doing better by now.

You made it through your university degree! Be proud even though you know you still could have done better, but you know what? It's over. You finished, graduated (at least, you will have by the time you read this again) and you're happy with how you did. You aced that portfolio, and you survived those placements rounds. You went for your certification. Do you have a Big Kid job now? Are you fully certified? I wonder. Whatever path you've taken, I hope it's been worth it, I hope you've been happy.

Even though you didn't manage to finish either Metro or RTN this year, that's okay. Maybe one day you'll come back to them. Right now, you've got something that you're working on. I wonder if you'll have finished the main story for the UAPM!AU (as it remains tentatively titled as now) yet. Don't give up on it, you have people cheering you on. You're loving it right now, despite the difficulty, and I hope that you still do. Even if this is not a road and only a side-street, show people. It's hard to expose yourself in that way, but it'll be worth it. You've always wanted to make people feel.

You did better at talking to people this year. Remember meeting M/E/F/K/M? Even though you lost contact with them, you're proud of yourself for being brave enough to reach out like that. You reconciled your feelings about others this year, which you're glad for. It's good to know that you've matured. I think that by now you've worked out who's in your life to stay, who is most important, and who you're better off without. You cut some ties, and you don't regret it (much). You're making an effort to stay in touch with people from your past; keep that up, it's important not to forget where you came from. No matter what, don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. Other people mean it when they say it's okay; try to believe that people really mean the nice things they say. Your friends are better than you deserve.

Your heart is still going strong. Are you surprised? I know I am, a little. Happily surprised, though. It was hard, with the distances that separated you but it was good, helpful. You know yourself better now. You talked a little about the things that kept you prisoner for so long, and that helped a lot, I think. Talk more. Things won't ever get better unless you do. Pick your fights and your words wisely. Next year will have been harder, but I hope you made it through together. It's worth it. You're incredibly lucky. I wonder what plans the two of you have made now.

You didn't go to nearly as many things this year as you wanted to. Still, you loved the ones that you did go to. Tyler and Josh touched your heart in person even if you missed the signing (will you have forgiven yourself by now? Maybe you've had another chance) and B1A4 were (as expected) lovely and cute and amazing (you've even gotten over your odd Gongchan dislike!). Kina was a delight, as was Les Mis. Will you go to more musicals? There's a lot of good ones coming up that you'll love, I'm sure.

It's hard to remember to be patient, to make an effort and try, but you'll regret it later if you don't. It was a good year. It was. Even though you're afraid, I hope you ploughed on forward relentlessly. If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do it.  You had a lot of good things come your way this year. You learnt a lot and I hope you can be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, person. There's always something to work on. (Please don't have turned into a HK! I'll never forgive you!)

I wonder what you think of yourself now, reading this. Maybe you can laugh at yourself; it gets a little easier each year, doesn't it? It's nice to think that you've grown up, at least a little. Here's to hoping that you're happier, wiser, more organised, thankful for the people you have in your life and excited for what else your future holds.

Love,
2014!self.

thoughts from my 17 y/o self

don't love someone more than they love you. it will only hurt you. you will have more lights off hours than lights on. protect yourself. 

trawled back through some of my old blogs again. sometimes i wish i'd kept these thoughts closer to my heart. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up then. 

taking baby steps

It's hard to remember that we're all getting older sometimes. We celebrate birthdays, congratulate people on making it through another year of their life, but we never really feel all that much different because we're really only just one day older than we were yesterday, though our numerical age has increased.

I feel particularly young at times. Not normally, even though a part of my mind is conscious that I'm still considered the 'baby' amongst those I see the most often, but especially lately. Now I'm taking classes with people, working in pairs and groups with people who are anywhere from months to years to perhaps even decades older than I am. The discussions, viewpoints, abilities that we have make me feel my age more than I normally do. Why do I find it so difficult to become closer with these people who are older? I'm sure they have advice to give me, just as I do for them. Perhaps because, on the inside, I'm still ridiculously immature. Which is not to say that being younger in age automatically makes you immature, let's be clear about that.

On the other hand, in the past year and the few years to come, there's been that steady influx of posts from people who are graduating high school, or coming into their VCE and trying to make their decisions about what to do. These are posts that range in tone, but as the year progresses, I'm certain that there will be ever more posts in relation to 'the end of an era'. These posts make me feel my age, too, because these are people that I do often consider my equals (even if not in all areas of life), but it's easy to forget that they can be significantly younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until these posts make me remember that I left high school five years ago. Not last year, or the year before, but five years ago. It's a pretty significant amount of time, especially when I look back at how naive, reckless, carefree I was back then. I've grown, but I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, immature.

Last week, I accompanied my mother to an appointment with an eye specialist. I've known for a while that her eyesight was slowly going, but it's hard to be shown the visuals and be told that it's 'damaged' and probably 'irreparable'. It's hard to realise that my parents are getting old. Oh, I've always known it, of course, but it's never been a conscious thought that they're getting not simply older, but old. They struggle, are tired all the time, have all these health concerns, how they were surprised by their own ages this year. I can see that they, my mother especially, hates it all a bit. And it's shaming to not be more capable, in life, of taking care of myself, taking care of them. To be unable to be more adult, more grown-up.

But I'm trying a little bit at a time. There's still a long way to go.

trace that silver line

Happy Valentine's Day, self; here, have a whole ton of emotional pain :-)

Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend. 

Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.

I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are. 

I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose. 

星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.

reflections on 2013 to make for a happy 2014

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.

5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.

23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.

28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*

29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.

34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.

37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう　恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame 

Happy New Year ♥

life, beyond what lies before my eyes

Dear 2014!Wen,

So I looked back at last year's note and well, it's a bit hard to tell whether you did better this year than you did last year. Maybe your goals ended up not so great, but that's okay. You took it easier this year, and you're glad that you did. It brought less stress to your life, and you're happy with yourself. You are.

2014 will be super stressful for you. Try not to push yourself to live up to the expectations that everyone might have for you because you can't please everyone. Just do what you can for yourself. I hope you're doing well though. But if not, it's alright; it's not your fault. I hope you don't care what people think now. You're getting more comfortable with who you are. Don't lose that. I wonder how you survived the year. How did you pull off that portfolio? Teaching those kids? Are you really going to be certified? Did you manage to find a job? I don't doubt that you managed to pull it all off. I hope you are more mature, calm, critical.

Is your dream still the same? Time is precious and you won't have as much time to work on it, but I hope you haven't given up. Think about what you've promised yourself. Finish Metro, finish RTN. Put something out there, even if you have to pay for it yourself. This is what you've been doing since you were young. It's real, from your heart. Do more things for yourself, and stop expecting the worst!

Are you saving up? At the end of the year like this, are you going to visit your family again? I hope so. You miss traveling. You miss your family. You want to meet K and L and A, too. You want to see those that had such influence on your life for so long. Try to get closer to where you want to be. Learn to drive, PLEASE. PLEASE DO IT THIS YEAR. I hope you are; or I'll be upset at you for being so pitiful.

People are annoying. Friends have come and gone because you can't seem to forgive them for their mistakes. Your forgiveness has a long way to go. Don't push yourself to be nice. Do your calling out with love behind it. Remember to give people second chances. You're not perfect either. Don't forget to keep reaching out to L and T; they are so, so precious to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help either, because it's alright for you to not feel okay. Don't wait for people because you're afraid and you put on a front around them. It's okay to open up to new people too! Though you don't know them too well yet, making the first move brought you ABC and they're already special to you.

By this time next year, hopefully you'll have been with O for over a year. How is he doing? Did he successfully complete his thesis? I hope that you did what you could to be there for him, because he'll be there for you when you need it. I hope everything is going well with you two, that you stayed together and dealt with the tough times; doubtless there will be thousands of them. (I know myself, after all.) Even if you're not still together (though I do hope you are, and are making it last), that's just fine. You will be beautiful to who else comes along into your life, too.

A lot of things weren't possible for you before this year. Remember that. Though it'll be a long journey with lots of mistakes every year, it'll be worth it. You'll be proud of yourself for being able to surpass things that you couldn't before. You survived all the bad things from the past, and I hope you spent 2014 with all the good things that you brought into the year with you.

I hope 2014 is bright and productive. I hope you are able to stay healthy, hopeful, positive, determined. I hope that you make the best of 2014. I hope that you are able to go for what you want, regardless of your fears. I hope you are able to get a handle of your life and go with what comes at you.

You will be happy in 2014, because you have really amazing friends and they will love you and support you, no matter how far away from them you may be. You have inner fears, but you can't go around fearing that you're doing everything wrong. You will be fine. Act, but act wisely. I hope that as you're reading this, you feel like you've got good things coming for you.

Love, 2013!Wen.

freeze like this like that so that this moment will last forever

It's hard to think about depressing things like the fact that it's hard to stay in touch when you don't have a lot in common with your friends anymore, all too busy with your own lives. We learned to manage our lives without each other, and survived. Perhaps it's not the path we'd have chosen if we'd known what we do now, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the people who are necessary to me now won't be later. I can accept fading connections, but I hope that my affection will never fade. I hope the love I have for them will be enough to keep us close.

It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.

Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.

You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.

21 love letters

♡ 01
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.

♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.

♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.

♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.

♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.

♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but  I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.

♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.

♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.

♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.

♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.

♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.

♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.

♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.

♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.

♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?

♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.

♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.

♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.

♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.

time spent walking through memories

Since H can't make it to my birthday celebration, he took me out for sushi train last night, after which we walked to Gelato Messina for ice cream. It's been a few months since we last went out somewhere and we're not really the type to be in contact via the internet so there were more than enough things to talk about. I'm fairly certain that I spent more time complaining about things in my life than anything else, although H doesn't ever really have any advice to give. Anyway, if he minds, he's never made it obvious.

He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.

Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.

the years chase me and accelerate

My sister came home the other day to have dinner, catch up with us all, talk a little bit more about birthday plans. She asked me what I wanted her to get me, which was a little odd because she's never asked this question before. In the past, she's always chosen gifts that I can appreciate. I suppose it's harder this year, when she's been away so often and we've grown apart in so many ways. It will always be easy to fall back into those patterns together though.

I've always considered myself an easy person to buy for, when people have bothered. Perhaps it helps that I do believe in the thought counting. Unless your birthday gift happens to be Christmas themed. Then you're just going on my shitlist. Still, this year I've gotten closer to people that I wouldn't have thought myself to be really friends with before, which made me realise that perhaps it would be a good idea to make a sort of wishlist.

1. Books! I love reading. I'm not an e-book person, though I will succumb to it for the convenience. There's not a lot that's better than opening a new book and just breathing it in, having the covers, the pages underneath your fingertips.
Books I'm after in particular include: Veronica Roth's Divergent trilogy (preferably without anything relating to the upcoming movie on the cover of Divergent). Melissa Marr's Wicked Lovely series. D.J MacHale's The Pendragon Adventure series and Morpheus Road series. Alexandra Bracken's The Darkest Minds series would be great too, even though the third book isn't slated to be released until next year. A copy of Ela's Gravity (if she still has some printed) would also be super fabulous.

2. Perfume. Specifically, Thierry Mugler's Angel and Yves Saint Laurent's Paris. I received these as samples long ago and liked them both, but somehow never got around to purchasing them for myself.

3. Shoesssss. Wedges, in particular, though I always want new shoes. My parents always tell me I have too many pairs of shoes, but the problem is that most of mine are not suited towards casual everyday wear.

4. Anything from Snack Heroes ! Except the ice cream maker. We already have one. Not that we use it that often since there's never room in the freezer.

5. Jewelry. I like rings. A lot. A nice watch wouldn't go amiss either.

6. Tickets to Wicked, The Musical next year. Or tickets for The Visitors or In The Kingdom of Cha by MTC. I miss going to see plays and these two look super interesting.

7. New flavours of tea. Fruit teas will probably always be my love but I've recently acquired a taste for nutty flavoured tea.

Hmm, I can't think of anything else at the moment, though I'm sure there's more that I would love to receive. I'd be pretty well pleased with just about anything since normally I don't really get anything at all.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).

departures

Part of graduations is the significance that you're done with this part of your life. It hurts to think about, even if you're not the one who is graduating. Watching the people you know graduate just hones in the fact that there's only a limited time left.

You know that one day the person graduating is going to be you, and you're going to have to wake up and look around and tell yourself that you're really not a child any more. That you have to start thinking about other things, prioritise, that you can't just sit around and let blissful waves of a fantasy world wash over you any more. People disappear from that world you created together, replaced by new ones that you don't know. People leave and move on and disappear, leaving virtually nothing behind. And one of these days, that's going to be you. You just won't be able to afford that world any more, time-wise, money-wise, emotion-wise.

Sometimes, there are people who are fortunate enough to have a few people who will carry that world forward for a few years, to be able to indulge in with the people they know who are in the same situation, unwilling to let go. But it isn't, it won't be long before you feel an overwhelming wave of patheticness. And that's the last thing you want to feel or to call others. But the problem is that there is no support out there in the world of "I need to find a career".

A career. A family, perhaps. A life outside that little bubble that you managed to encapsulate yourself in. A life that other people will approve of. Because while you were so busy not caring about what people thought when we had the beautiful, dorky, amazing parts of our fantasy world, they moved on without us.

And life afterwards can get very, very lonely.

In life afterwards, you feel like you've lost some of your best friends. In a way, everything in that world was your best friend - always smiling at you, encouraging you, doing silly things with and for you, telling you they love you; you spent all your time in the world together, even if sometimes it all made you cry. And then it's gone and you only have a few people left who understand, and you have to go through the jarring transition together, holding on for, and onto, dear life.

You have to make that transition from your fantasy world and all the happiness that came from it to everything else. Everything real. Everything that isn't what you spent all your waking time on for the past however many years. It felt like forever, but it wasn't.

Sometimes, you hate that you ever found that world. Because even though it made you so indescribably happy, you know that leaving it will hurt so much more, will be so much worse, so much more sad and painful than it was happy. Is that world, has that world been, will that world be worth it? Sometimes, you don't know. When you think about it, you're not sure that you will always be able to say that, "Yes, it was worth it."

All you can do is wait to find out.

would you lend me some of your time?

After a prolonged period of time away from a certain group of people, I always overestimate my ability to socialise with them. Either that, or I somehow seem to convince myself that I was better friends with them than I was, and that they will actually make concerted efforts to talk to me and include me in the conversation. It's kind of a vicious cycle, wherein everyone else seems to have fun and I am left feeling stupid and ridiculous for ever entertaining the notion that people actually enjoy my company.

The thing is, I value everyone that has passed through my life, regardless of how fleeting. Unless you've done something monumentally stupid to make me dislike, I usually think of you fondly and will want to go out of my way to see you and talk to you and find out how your life has been, provided there's been a suitable amount of time since the last time I happened to go out or run into you. Except that, of course, not everyone feels like this. Particularly when they're closer to everyone else who is not you and happens to be in attendance.

It's a little disappointing to go to an event and end up talking to less than half the attendees. I guess it could have been worse. At least H didn't really know anyone else there either, so once she arrived I almost exclusively talked to her. Out of all the others who attended, the only one I semi-regularly speak to was S, and that only because we share a unit together this semester. It got slightly better once we sat down for dinner though, if only by virtue of the fact that everyone concentrates at least a little more on eating than on talking.

The food was delicious and it was a lovely place to be, I have to give N that. We booked out the back room, and ended up re-arranging the tables to make it a little easier to talk. There was also a man stationed in the alcove singing intermittenly during the night. If I'm remembering correctly, there were pasta dishes with chips, salad and calamari rings for starters; a steak dish or chicken parmigiana alternated as the main, while dessert was vanilla ice cream, blueberry and marshmallow pizza and nutella spread between toasted pita. There was also ice cream birthday cake!

It was a pretty subdued affair on my end, although I suppose some of the others would beg to differ. It was pretty fun to see M and V interacting with the children who kept running through the room, anyway. I've always been the type to sit back and let everything happen around me though; provided others are enjoying themselves, I can sort of forget how excluded I am. That sounds pretty bad, but it doesn't upset me that much, I think. Most of the time, I just watch and think about all the different ways I could write this slice of life. I still ended up staying longer than originally planned, if only because I always feel guilty on skipping out on birthdays before cake, even if I know it's not my fault. Living a ridiculous distance from everyone else has its distinct disadvantages.

I enjoyed being able to see everyone who attended (V, M, J, L, I, S, H, N, A, D, T, are all that I can remember though) even if I didn't talk to most of them. It was a nice reminder of a time of the past.

说不出的爱; 我在你心中只是just a friend

I think the biggest thing that I took away from last week was the reminder that sometimes, the people around you are not the ones you chose, and thoughts of what does it mean to be a good friend? I've heard people say that you ought to love the ones that you're with, if you cannot be with the ones that you love. It's not always as easy as it seems.

There are times when forced proximity can create impressions of emotional closeness. It's not always that way but sometimes it is true, because that's how we cope. When you can either play nice or be caught in perpetual awkwardness, the choice isn't one that's hard to make. Even within that, though, there will be people with whom you are closer to, who you would have chosen to love even if you were not forced to be around them.

I think that's why I say that you can make life-long friendships once you're in university. It provides such a vast sea of people from which you can pick and choose your friends, the people who you want to spend time with outside of classes. Of course, university is not the only place that you can make these kinds of friendships, but I feel like there is a smaller level of forced proximity than in places like work or high school, particularly if you were in a class like mine which never changed students. Once you commit past the superficial levels of similar interests and choose to connect with people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last longer.

That's why it doesn't matter that sometimes I am disappointed or resentful of my friends not living up to my (high, and often silent) expectations. It doesn't matter that sometimes I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante, favourite. What does matter is that I do love the friends that I have and that I do want them in my life. What does matter is that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean that they don't want me in their lives.

Friendships change, fact of life, whether they be new ones or old ones. Every friendship is a little different, even if elements of similarity ring through them all because they're rooted in two separate people. There are some friendships where you must give the utmost care, if not always the consideration. Others pass quietly in the background to wither away, if you haven't figured out how and if you can give them what they require, while still others can re-emerge as strong as ever when you reach for them.

I'm not sure how to be able to tell which friendships fall into the kind where you talk frequently and share just about everything, and which are the ones where you talk infrequently, but always with depth and feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feelings. Because that's how things work around here. You all know I have a whole bunch of feelings.

These few days away made me realise that there are more people than I would've originally thought who I'd count among my trustiest, truest friends. There are more people that I believed that I'd feel comfortable talking to about my fears and thoughts and insecurities; more people than I believed that I'd feel comfortable being stupid and silly around, teasing and touching and being ridiculous. There are so many people who I feel so grateful to know now, but most particularly those who I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around. So, thank you for that, I guess. For being you. For letting me feel that I don't have to hide so much from you. I may or may not see you every day or talk to you the most often but I chose to love you, and I am thankful for you.