living life hard until we die

SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.

I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.

C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.

I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.

Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out

Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.

L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.

I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.

trying emotions

For the stalkers who stalk (who is even reading this out there?): FUCK Y'ALL. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.

A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity. 

NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.

Real updates later, I guess.

let your hair down

There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!

T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.

原谅我没有说

I bitch and moan about people in the world so often that sometimes, I tend to forget that there are really amazing people around me. Sometimes, I worry about whether they know how much I honestly appreciate everything that they do for me. Most of the time though, I fear that they think that I'm ungrateful. It should be easy to say - after all, these are words and words and words that are used on a daily basis; but sometimes they're used so much that they lose all meaning. The people around me don't rely on me for anything, and I rely on others so much that it hurts to know how weak I am on my own, and if I could only work out how to say the words, I would thank them with everything that I have. The fears that they don't know the value, the importance they represent to me can get so overwhelming. Sometimes, I think that they'll become sick of putting up with everything that I am and just walk away, and it's easy to admit that that's why I am the way I am sometimes; better to give them a reason to leave me behind. Sometimes, it's easy to tell myself I'm being stupid, think that of course they must know, or else they wouldn't smile at me like that, treat me the way that they do. Most of the time though, it's not.

dear so-called friends

If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.

The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.

I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.

I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.