a question that i'll never solve

the scariest thing is that it never really went away.

there are some days that i wake up and i can still feel it. not as bad as back then, never, but the weight is there.

drained.

dull.

my brain has never been as clear and cruel as it was then.

it's scary.

i can't be that again, but it's there and it never goes away. it's just waiting.

sometimes i wish i could just forget that it had ever happened.

sleepless nights become a routine

it doesn't happen just once

it happens over and over again

and like this we have a crack

it's just like playing with fire and i can't build it up

but in the end i'm not strong enough

i'm pathetic

more than half the day is empty, i can't breathe i can't eat i can't sleep, i'm wrecked

maybe all of this is just too self-centered but if even just a little if it's the same if it doesn't break that easily

i want to be selfish

you don't know, stop thinking, what's so hard about this?

this is disjointed and my mind is a mess but it's been a while since i've had such a visceral reaction

i'm holding out alone when there's no way to go up, where does this tunnel end? 

so just pretend that nothing happened

i guess it wasn't that deep after all 

everything gets reversed even though they shouldn't, all questions and no answers

it's not sane

i'm suffocating

feedback loops of bruises coloured blue

-35

the worst day in a while.

even worse than the day that you slipped up and ripped yourself open. even that was only a -20. you were so tired then but you stopped yourself and got rid of them after that first one.

you thought you were doing better but don't fool yourself.

a always says that this game of tallying up points for events is unhealthy. honestly, she's right. especially since you're hiding in a fucking bathroom to type this all out. can you even make it to tuesday without ruining everything.

you're just a fuck up. you always have been and you're kind of always a bitch. nobody wants to be friends with you, honestly.

you're a mess.

normal people don't act, don't react, like that.

you're never going to get close to anyone. everything you try is too little too late. there's honestly no point in even trying anything.

it's fucking ridiculous to feel like shit and like you're not worth anything at all when just a few days ago you were telling a that your week was an eight. why can't you figure out how to not be a disappointment to everyone you know.

there's an empty space in your drawer at home. it should scare you, how easily the thought of wanting those instruments back slides into your mind. you don't need to be here, burdening everyone you ever cared about and taking up space by existing.

maybe if you wait long enough everyone will forget you and be all the better for it.

is it this way or that way?

if you have a complex it's because everyone keeps leaving.

the name calling and violence and rejection may have dulled but it's not so easy to forget.

you still remember.

you know the truth.

nobody can know just how deeply personal your self-loathing is.

my steps go nowhere i scratched it from my memory

Is it you who changed
Or is it I who changed
...
We’re the ones who’ve changed I guess
Everyone is like that I guess

Vacant room in my memory
This lunatic night swallows me 

i don't know when things suddenly started tumbling down and no matter how much i look for something it doesn't work 

i keep going back to trying to believe that YNWA but why burden others when they have their own lives to deal with 

things are still so much one step forward two steps back that is it really that happiness is too rare too lofty a goal 

a lot of times i'm not sure if i can achieve it or hold on to it 

if i am happy now it must be fleeting

i'm so scared i can't breathe that it kills me inside that i wish it would just end 

while i'm running alone on tracks in a place that's been left the call of the void becomes increasingly inviting

if i ever knew i've long since forgotten