a fake handshake

words last forever but these ones are so empty.

do they come in an alienated form that only a few can understand?

sometimes it feels like this is an accident that was made to happen.

i'm sick of feeling this way, like i'm not sure of myself anymore, good enough anymore. if it's the way you really feel, i'd prefer if you'd just rip it off and make it clear. i'm tired of wondering whether it's all in my head or whether i'm reading the context clues the right way.

hold steady. 

act natural.

it blurs. 

sometimes things fall together; most of the time, things fall apart. 

that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

and many countless days later

i spoke to V on Sunday night for the first time in three? years. honestly, i wasn't really sure if we'd ever come back to each other especially since we haven't met often. but she's been there for me through... a lot of things. a lot of years.

i've been thinking a lot since then. the guilt and resentment weighs, thick and heavy and cloying. everyone was so worried. they tried to help but they couldn't understand.

there was a time where i didn't have the words to talk about myself. where i didn't understand myself. where i was more anxiety than myself. more scared of myself than anything else.

a time where the only thing i knew to do was to either lash out or hide it.

sometimes it's easy to touch and just imagine. what if, once more, would it help?

the scars may have faded but i know they were there.

there was (is?) a time where that was the only thing that helped.

seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them. 

trace that silver line

Happy Valentine's Day, self; here, have a whole ton of emotional pain :-)

Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend. 

Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.

I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are. 

I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose. 

星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.

freeze like this like that so that this moment will last forever

It's hard to think about depressing things like the fact that it's hard to stay in touch when you don't have a lot in common with your friends anymore, all too busy with your own lives. We learned to manage our lives without each other, and survived. Perhaps it's not the path we'd have chosen if we'd known what we do now, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the people who are necessary to me now won't be later. I can accept fading connections, but I hope that my affection will never fade. I hope the love I have for them will be enough to keep us close.

It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.

Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.

You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.

21 love letters

♡ 01
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.

♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.

♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.

♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.

♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.

♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but  I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.

♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.

♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.

♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.

♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.

♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.

♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.

♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.

♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.

♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.

♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.

♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?

♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.

♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.

♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.

♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.

and the cracks began to show

I've been sadly unexcited about a lot of things this year. Top of the list of things that I'm unenthused about would be Christmas. I have hardly listened to my Christmas playlist at all. Possibly this has to do with the fact that I've been feeling not so great this past week - even bordering on unhappiness, I suppose - which is hard to get over when you are so distanced from the people that make you feel better, in whatever little ways those may be.

Sometimes I think I need to sleep more, but I also think that I sleep too much. I used to be better than this, I feel. Better at pushing through, better at forcing things out of mind, better at dealing with life. I suspect I am a lot of things that I did not used to (want to) be. I'm not sure when, but somewhere along the way, I've been sapped of joy, creativity, energy, etc.

(Why am I so afraid?)

metrics #2

I meant to post this earlier but I got distracted by drowning in strawberries and being dumb enough to cut up the inside of my mouth. Again. And now I'm posting this from my phone at like 2.30AM. (This is so tedious, I'm never doing it again.) I'm actually meant to be sleeping, but my anxiety, insecurities and fears of being inadequate are keeping me awake. Good fun. I'll probably post about that in the next few days, once I've properly sorted out my thoughts.

Anyway, this weeks metrics: 5128.

It's even more appalling than last week, unfortunately. Still, this ups me to... 11454 in 14 days. A dismal amount, but unsurprising, considering my struggles during this time. It should get better from here on though. I have a clearer idea of what needs to get done. All I need to do is sit down and actually get to it.

let's step up

Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.

I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.

I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.

C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.

I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.

I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.

Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.

ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

an interlude away

October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.

I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?

G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.

I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.

T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.

M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

pathetic

You're like the fucking ex that I never fucking had. The one who's fucked me up so badly that I can't do anything without remembering how we used to go there and eat something, and hate this or like that, or talk and argue about whatever. There's so much that surrounds me that is tied up in memories that remind me of you. It pisses me off because it's so fucking unfair that I'm suffering from the consequences of a relationship that never actually existed, especially when you were the one who fucking chose that break-up; you were the one who fucking forced that rift.

The best part of all of this is that it probably didn't even affect you at all; it didn't seem like you even gave it a second thought. Evidently, it was just that easy of a decision to let me go. You never wanted to make the first move as friends, so I can't ever expect you to apologise and make amends, can I? Even if you are sorry about the way that you fucked this all up, which I highly doubt since you seem to be plenty happy. I guess the relationship we had just didn't mean all that much to you.

I don't really wish you anything bad, because I liked you a lot when we were friends. But I'm not mature, so I'll keep myself happy with the thought that, at the very least, you're not going anywhere in life.

Still, congratulations.

You're honestly the worst break up that I've ever had, and the only one who's fucked me up for this long afterwards. Incredible, really, considering we never dated.

I fucking miss you and you don't even care.

love, love, love 大家都需要

Wang Leehom's Open Fire Music Man II concert had its Melbourne stop last night. Anyone who knows me knows that Leehom is one of my absolute all-time favourite artists, and that without him I wouldn't be into Asian music at all. It's been a dream of mine for years to see him live, and it feels amazing to be able to finally check it off the list.

Attending was definitely the best decision I've made all year; Leehom was really super sweet the entire time and I had pretty fantastic seats (courtesy of getting tickets within the first three hours? Haha). I only partially regret not getting VIP seats, if only because of the extra close view and contact. Security kept having to grab people who tried to duck past the ropes to get into VIP when they all started crowding because Leehom was reaching out. My parents, though, would have refused to let me go anywhere for months afterwards if I had insisted on it though. The fanpacks that were on every seat were great though.

I've always been a sucker for ballads, especially ones in Chinese. I find that sad things are often some of the most beautiful to me. I've always had an affinity for anyone's ability to play instruments, too; perhaps because I struck out and knew I would never be anything of note at piano, despite my efforts. It was an incredible experience to be treated to Leehom playing the piano, violin, erhu and guitar all in one night. Despite how easy it is to jam to Leehom's upbeat songs, the best part was definitely the acapella. Although it was pre-filmed, it was still ridiculously cute and ridiculously good. I love seeing anyone of fame joke around and goof off a little. That Leehom did it with five or six other versions of himself was just a bonus.

The World Vision video was gorgeous and just went to show that my unfaltering love in Leehom isn't undeserved. He is such a genuinely good person, it hurts me. He kept reminding people in the VIP section not to push and to be careful, and when one girl apparently looked like she was about to get crushed, he pulled her onto the stage. He didn't even blink when she impulsively hugged him - he just hugged her back. He also hugged a baby and I think I was about a thousand times more jealous of that baby than the girl.

It was a really wonderful night and I cried when it was over. I still sob a little when I look at all my fancams. The concert was probably the highlight of my entire year, I really don't think there could be anything to top it for me.

说不出的爱; 我在你心中只是just a friend

I think the biggest thing that I took away from last week was the reminder that sometimes, the people around you are not the ones you chose, and thoughts of what does it mean to be a good friend? I've heard people say that you ought to love the ones that you're with, if you cannot be with the ones that you love. It's not always as easy as it seems.

There are times when forced proximity can create impressions of emotional closeness. It's not always that way but sometimes it is true, because that's how we cope. When you can either play nice or be caught in perpetual awkwardness, the choice isn't one that's hard to make. Even within that, though, there will be people with whom you are closer to, who you would have chosen to love even if you were not forced to be around them.

I think that's why I say that you can make life-long friendships once you're in university. It provides such a vast sea of people from which you can pick and choose your friends, the people who you want to spend time with outside of classes. Of course, university is not the only place that you can make these kinds of friendships, but I feel like there is a smaller level of forced proximity than in places like work or high school, particularly if you were in a class like mine which never changed students. Once you commit past the superficial levels of similar interests and choose to connect with people on a personal level, the relationship tends to last longer.

That's why it doesn't matter that sometimes I am disappointed or resentful of my friends not living up to my (high, and often silent) expectations. It doesn't matter that sometimes I feel like I am no one's best friend, closest confidante, favourite. What does matter is that I do love the friends that I have and that I do want them in my life. What does matter is that not being someone's "best friend" doesn't mean that they don't want me in their lives.

Friendships change, fact of life, whether they be new ones or old ones. Every friendship is a little different, even if elements of similarity ring through them all because they're rooted in two separate people. There are some friendships where you must give the utmost care, if not always the consideration. Others pass quietly in the background to wither away, if you haven't figured out how and if you can give them what they require, while still others can re-emerge as strong as ever when you reach for them.

I'm not sure how to be able to tell which friendships fall into the kind where you talk frequently and share just about everything, and which are the ones where you talk infrequently, but always with depth and feeling. Always with feeling. Everything with feelings. Because that's how things work around here. You all know I have a whole bunch of feelings.

These few days away made me realise that there are more people than I would've originally thought who I'd count among my trustiest, truest friends. There are more people that I believed that I'd feel comfortable talking to about my fears and thoughts and insecurities; more people than I believed that I'd feel comfortable being stupid and silly around, teasing and touching and being ridiculous. There are so many people who I feel so grateful to know now, but most particularly those who I don't feel like I have to feel uncomfortable around. So, thank you for that, I guess. For being you. For letting me feel that I don't have to hide so much from you. I may or may not see you every day or talk to you the most often but I chose to love you, and I am thankful for you.