raise a glass and toast the flame just like the old days

I had a good enough time at both events I attended on Thursday night (SAMA Trivia Night and L's birthday), but looking back, I think I wish that I'd used that time to bash out more kinks from that monster I've been working on on-and-off for the last year or so. In any case, there's not much that I can do about it now but sleep and study a lot in the coming days I still have free. Still, both were interesting experiences for me.

I didn't participate in Trivia, and I don't regret that. I am horrible at knowing anything outside of that which I am interested in; my general knowledge, and possibly common sense, is awful, as those who have known me for years can attest to. On top of that, the event was attended largely by people I wasn't aquainted with and whom I wasn't at all interested in being grouped together with.

I think a lot of people don't believe me when I say to them that I'm not interested in making new friends. It's true though; for the most part I'm more than happy with the people that I have in my life now, however close we are or however often I see them. This is, in part, aided by the fact that I seem to have surrounded myself with people who I have either grown up with, or am comfortable enough with that I can handle their occasional bouts of stupidity. I look at a lot of people now and my innate reaction is to avoid them and their apparent immaturity. I think to myself, how can they possibly be so stupid and foolish? though I know I must have been just as, if not worse, than they were when I was at that age too. On one hand, it gives me hope that they'll mature and grow past certain things, but mostly it just makes me despair.

E mentioned, when I was recounting the night's events to her, that it seemed like a waste of time to attend. It's true, I'm usually a pretty solitary person. Perhaps it has something to do with the difficulty that I had in making friends with others post-moving. Still, I like being around people, even if I'm not engaging with them. Perhaps that part has to do with the writer in me - past observation is always the best tool when you want to create later.

L's birthday was interesting in a different way and inspired a lot of thoughts about friendship in me. I've known L for about six years now; we were at school together and she's one of the few that I'm still in well, fairly regular contact with. We see each other a handful of times a year; I think that's well enough for us now even though it's not often. It was nice to see her, since we last caught up in December? last year.

I ran into three of my other school friends (G, G and N) who were also on their way in to her house on the train from the city which was a pleasant surprise. Part of my original hesitation in attending, even though it was the pretty celebrated age of 21, stemmed from my reluctance to be around so many people I didn't know. There's only so much small talk you can make, and it's not as if you can monopolise the time of the birthday girl, after all.

When we arrived, we found that P had arrived earlier than us, and since all five of us barely knew anyone else, ended up camping out in the shed at the back of the garden. There was a lengthy conversation wherein a possibility of a T.S class reunion was discussed. I am still not convinced that it'll happen, but that's for another time. Later on, another whole group of school friends/associates showed up too (A, A, A, N, H, I, J) so it was pretty nice to catch up with them all. I don't remember the last time I saw them.

I was at school with most of these people for at least 5 years; it's been so long that I've known them, so long since we first made friends, so long since we went our separate ways. We've all grown so much and changed in so many ways that there are a lot of moments where I don't recognise them anymore, when I see them in person, and the glimpses of their lives I get through Facebook. But they are still essentially them, still with those parts of them that I once knew, just grown up.

It made me wonder what I looked like to them now. I wonder what they think they know about my life now. Just as there are so many facets to them that I don't recognise, there must be as many facets of myself that they don't recognise. I know I've changed a lot, even just in the few months that were the summer holidays. Uni changed me dramatically from high school in certain ways.

I'm not particularly afraid of any judgement from that group; chances are that it'll be at least a good six months before I see them again, anyway. Not to mention, we've drifted to the extent that I have no fear of finding out anything by accident. That we can still be good acquaintances and be civil, friendly, when we see each other is more than enough for me. They've gone through a lot that I wouldn't understand, even if they explained. I've probably been through a lot that they wouldn't understand either. There are plenty of times where we might not be able to empathise, though we can still sympathise.

I agree with what Becky says, "If you liked someone once, doesn't it remain similar even after a long time has passed?" Honestly speaking, once I've decided I like you, it takes quite a lot for me to decide that I dislike you and want to cut ties with you. I see people from high school so sporadically, and I see the girls from primary school even less, but those factors don't detract from our friendship or the fact that they will always remain dear to me.

The thoughts contained here apply not just to the friends I've mentioned, but to anyone who's known me since I was in year nine, or earlier, or later. What do you see when you look at me now? Maybe you don't understand the person that I am anymore.

It's unfair to think that all of you will understand how I ended up here, what happened to make me who I am, or what I've done and accomplished and achieved, become and failed and lost. And it's okay that you don't.

It's enough if you can understand and accept that maybe you can't understand. That even if I could explain it, show you it all, it wouldn't make it clearer who and what has helped to shape me into the person that I am now. It's enough if you can embrace that and love me anyway, and I'll do the same for you.