what's cooler than being cool

Since T leaves in almost exactly a month, I'm trying to spend as much time with her as possible. She's one of the few people that I genuinely like seeing and talking to on a regular basis so next year's going to be pretty hard, considering the time difference and how exhausted she'll be from working all the time. I think the distance will most likely change some things, but I have confidence that we'll make it through without any serious problems. We are, after all, fated to be friends in a multitude of ways.

We met up in the city around lunch time yesterday to have a cafe date. We ended up with a platter to share and individual drinks (milk for T and dark for me), which looked absolutely amazing. I think out of the entire platter, the only thing that we were less than impressed with was the cake. It was incredibly dense and while the topping was great, the cake itself paled in comparison to everything else on the platter. We were there for maybe an hour, an hour and a half, though we definitely should have dragged it out for longer considering how hot it was outside. It was pretty funny because our table looked a thousand times more romantic than the tables of the legitimate couples that were in there.

After that we headed over to Boost so T could grab a watermelon crush, and then we wandered over to JB Hi-Fi so that I could make a vague attempt at finding an OST for L's birthday since she collects like a crazy person who has too much money to spare. I'm not entirely sure why it is exactly that every time I go out somewhere with T, we end up sitting on the floor. It was actually a little bit awkward because every time a store assistant would walk into the aisle we'd hurriedly make it seem as if we were looking at DVD titles on the shelves. I have to say though that we did find some pretty great things lingering in the boxes under the shelves. At some point I'll have to go back to get those. We also checked out Cotton On Body and Daiso for a while before heading down to meet her mother after work so we could get a lift from the station to T's house.

The trip was pretty non-eventful, apart from the idiot who was playing his music through his phone speakers loud enough for basically the entire carriage to hear it. T's mum decided to take a walk after we reached the house, so T and I changed our clothes and sort of just lounged around various parts of the house until she got back and we decided to have our pasta and meatballs for dinner. Post-dinner we rolled back into T's room, just talking and then looking up easy recipes for baking. I was super tired and so I napped for about an hour while she did laptop/internet things before getting up for baking.

We'd decided on vanilla cupcakes with frosting, except the recipe made 24 cupcakes and considering T's mum is on a Lite n Easy diet so we decided to half it. Which caused a bit of confusion when we tried to figure out half of thirds. But we got there in the end and I got to watch while T wrestled out, and with, the Kenwood kitchen aid they'd bought for her mum's 50th a few weeks back. Making the cupcakes themselves went fine, and we ended up putting some chocolate and macarons into the middle of half of them; the real problem started when we started trying to make the frosting because it turned out that T didn't have any icing sugar left in the house. Utilising the wonders of technology, we Googled a substitute recipe and were informed by the internet that we could just blend normal, granulated sugar down and use that instead. So we did. And it did not go so well. The frosting recipe called for a stupid amount of sugar, to begin with, and then we couldn't blend the sugar down fine enough, and then we may have added too much liquid. It's also possible that the oils from the butter began to separate as well. Eventually we tried fixing it like we did the last time that we messed up frosting - by melting it down, except that didn't work either because as soon as we took it off the stove the sugar started granulating again. In the end we just ditched it all down the sink. All up, baking and cleaning up took a ridiculous 3 hours. Never trust the preparation/cooking times on recipes - they're never right.

We Youtubed a bit, rolled around in bed and talked before finally falling asleep around 2.30-3-ish. Originally, we set the alarm for about 9am; in reality, we ended up getting up around 11. I showered while T had breakfast, and then we swapped over. It's funny how I've stayed at S's house a lot more than I've stayed at T's, yet T's house is where I feel a thousand times more at home. I packed up all my things, including my Christmas gift from T (a hilarious cross-stitch) and we headed over to uni for AXPP. Not that I particularly care about Pokemon - I just wanted to see/touch a few people and eat free food. I am all about free things, don't you know?

90% of the people there were people that I either didn't know or didn't really like, and those I did like were pretty occupied with Pokemon (obviously) or other people, so T and I ended up hiding out in corners/in TLS/the bathroom for most of the time. T mostly just laughed or fondled her Pokemon while I selca'd and snapchatted in all locations we were in. Whatever. After lunch, we hung around for the first round of the tournament, and then ran away to get McFlurry's. I turned mine into a spider using one of the eight cans of soft drink that I walked away from AXPP with, ha. Because everything in Australia is a goddamn spider. Fun times.

metrics #4

This is the final metrics post for NaNo 2013 ! Exciting, I suppose, and yet, disappointing. I'll probably keep doing these metrics posts whenever I work on what I started for NaNo, whose title is tentatively being abbreviated to RTN. Quite apt, considering, if you are one of the few who a) know what it stands for and b) know the gist of my plotline.

Anyway, metrics for week 4 (and a bit): 8401. So, I have a grand total of 33291 for the month of November.

I'm a little upset that I didn't make it to the 50k mark on RTN. (I can feel the rest of you staring at me like holy shit, 33291 words in 30 days is fucking amazing; shh, you don't know what it's like.) Considering the monster that this is going to turn out to be, I probably should have made more of an effort to bash out as much as possible. Still, it's a nice number to look at in retrospect, and definitely more than the combined total of everything else I'd written in the rest of the year.

In case anyone was curious, here's some music that I've been listening to pretty frequently while writing during November!
Bridge Attack//Bill Whelan
Phoenix//Daft Punk
Mighty Micro People//Amon Tobin
Concorde//Glen Check
Drifting//Lucid Fall
Easy To Crash//Cake

Also, hello December ! Isn't it hard to believe that we're so close to 2014 already? Where have all the days gone?

don't stop sexy boyz

Yesterday I finally met up with my 妹妹 L for the first time in a few months! She was late in meeting me, which was fine - I went for a latte at Starbucks while I waited for her. The weather was not great, but that wasn't such a problem since we'd made plans to go back to her apartment anyway.

After she showed up, we walked a few blocks to this delightful French restaurant/cafe place for lunch that L had been to before. Since both of us are not particularly large eaters, we chose a few things to share. We ended up with French style pizza and crepes, as well as a bowl of fries because, well, who doesn't love fries, let's be real here. L also got an iced chocolate while I stuck with water. Even though the portions looked quite small, they were really filling ! We also got raspberry mousse slice and a strawberry tart to take away so that we could have dessert a little later, once we were done digesting a little.

Both of us have the habit of forgetting that we're actually meant to be dieting so we opted to walk back to L's apartment, stopping by at this super fancy supermarket on the way for juice. For some bizarre reason, strangers always talk to us when we're out together; it's more than a little creepy. This time, it happened to be the guy re-stocking the shelves. After making small talk and giving us advice on juice, he proceeded to comment on how we both had really good English, at which L and I both exchanged a look and told him that well, yeah, we'd been here for a while. (I was born here; L migrated from China when she was 3, iirc.) So that was not all that fun, but we managed to get back to her apartment without any other mishaps.

L cleaned up her room a bit while I sat around on her bed, and then we set up for what she dubbed our JE fangirling date. I gave her pretty much everything that I'd been able to fit onto my harddrive and we spent the next five or so hours alternating between past and present videos. She also tried to introduce me to some of the juniors! This probably would have worked better if she wasn't trying to point them out through video because no matter how HD a video is, when someone is not the focus it's pretty hard to make them out properly and make judgments on whether you find them qtp or not. We watched some of this year's Shokura's, as well as part of the SZ concert, some AnS, pv's and a bunch of other assorted things. I've never understood why people watch reaction videos, because I honestly find them not that funny unless you actually know the person? Also because it's 1028488934902x better if you're there with them in person. I'm pretty sure L cries some real tears during the afternoon at some point. The Star Rider video was pretty much her breaking point though, since she saw U's hair and was actually just lost for words.

I ended up staying until about 7.30-ish? which was a lot later than I'd originally planned, since I was meant to be meeting up with people for P's birthday, oops. So I trammed back into the city (and got caught for apparently not touching on even though I swear I did, ugh, going to have to appeal that when I get sent the letter) and met up with them only for cake. Not that I really minded, because I was actually still full from lunch. Terrible weather aside, it was a really good day. Which was made even better by getting home and watching L sob over Twitter as she made her way through a bunch of things that she'd never seen before.

L: "I REALLY CANT STOP CRYING MY HEART IS SPLITTING INTO LITTLE PIECES...I am literally going to die". Best moments of the day.

because you've had it too good recently

Sometimes, people are assholes. Sometimes, people are idiots. I fall into one, but more often and more likely both of these categories because things that I'm not good at seem to include being a decent person. I know there's a lot that needs work in who I am, I know that I'm lacking and there is so much I need to improve on, but I've never actually wanted to be a bad person. (Then again, who really does?) I've never thought that I would be one.

This is not the kind of person that I'd respect. This is not the kind of person that I'd like to be.

So...I'm sorry. And I'll say it again.

noodles on the mind

feeding my appetite in ways I can't explain

i think it's time to let this die

I suppose it's unfair to say that we're not friends.

I don't know if you even notice it. Maybe you don't; maybe you don't see how much you demand. Emotion is hard to come by when I'm talking to you, but I force it out anyway, because otherwise you don't know how to react. You move, then, to complaining and questioning why I'm not happy, not empathetic, with your news, not enthusiastic about what you have to say to me.

You say that I can talk to you, rely on you. It rings false every time you say it because, after all, it's not as if you ever come to me just to ask how I am, what's happening in my life, or even because you just want to talk to me. You've been told that doing this makes us feel unimportant, as though we are only friends for your convenience. You dismissed it, turned it back on us and questioned whether we would rather you didn't speak to us at all. Thank you for completely missing the point.

K says that we should let go. That this isn't healthy for us, and we obviously don't need you. We can do better than people like you. I wish there was a way to fix this, but to be honest, I'm not sure I want to if you're going to ignore how what you're doing hurts us.

Friendships are a two-way thing, don't you know? If every conversation is a constant rehashing of every other conversation we've had in the past about something that you can't change, about people that I barely even know, about how superior your relationships are, about how you're tired, about how you're stressed, about you, you, you, then I don't think I can make the effort anymore. If it's always going to be about you, I don't want to try.

I wonder if you would miss me if we weren't "friends".

metrics #3

This week's metrics: 13436, which makes a current total of 24890. 

I'm surprised myself, especially considering this is more than I've written in the past two weeks. It's amazing what a talk through about outlines and plot points and character developments can do for you. If only the first two weeks had been this good, I would've had a real chance at making it to 50k. Still, I'm really happy with how productive this week was, and how I'm progressing overall. 

Of course, if you look at everything that I've written this month, and not just at NaNo, then I'd definitely hit 50k. Whatever. I don't regret writing for other people at the same time this month. What I will regret, though, when I'm going back and trying to piece together all the parts that I have done for NaNo is not writing chronologically. I don't doubt that my writing's been improving - it's hard to avoid when you're pushing yourself to write every day, regardless of how little - but oh god, it's going to be so obvious what was written when and ahhh, the editing and re-writing that'll have to happen to smooth it over and make it cohesive will be an absolute nightmare. That's not going to happen for a long while yet, though. I don't want to edit before I've completed a first draft which, at this stage, isn't going to be finished for months yet. 

(F, if you're reading this, I HAVE, IN NO WAY, GOT MY SHIT TOGETHER. I am awful with continuity but linear writing? Not for me.) 

walk right through me, i'm not really there

My biggest fear is and always has been, most likely always will be, that I am easily replaceable. (Forgettable? Discardable? My life is written in semantics.)

It's disgusting and a little pathetic, and I'm upset at myself for not seeing it before. But I'm also upset with you for allowing it anyway, despite the fact that we're both aware that we're unhappy about it. It should count that we've known each other longer and are really pretty close with each other. It's not wrong to think that we ought to value the friendship we have that spans years at least a little more than all our other relationships with other people, is it? 

A close second is failure. I don't like not being good at things. It's fear that drives me.

I don't know what you want from me. I don't know what I can do for you. I want, so much, to try, but it's so hard when I don't know where to start. 

I'm sorry.

metrics #2

I meant to post this earlier but I got distracted by drowning in strawberries and being dumb enough to cut up the inside of my mouth. Again. And now I'm posting this from my phone at like 2.30AM. (This is so tedious, I'm never doing it again.) I'm actually meant to be sleeping, but my anxiety, insecurities and fears of being inadequate are keeping me awake. Good fun. I'll probably post about that in the next few days, once I've properly sorted out my thoughts.

Anyway, this weeks metrics: 5128.

It's even more appalling than last week, unfortunately. Still, this ups me to... 11454 in 14 days. A dismal amount, but unsurprising, considering my struggles during this time. It should get better from here on though. I have a clearer idea of what needs to get done. All I need to do is sit down and actually get to it.

hear them promise a story if only i'll listen

Every day I tell myself I should do something productive, except oh wait, I'm not done with all that nothing I already started.

Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.

After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.

An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.

I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?