metrics #2

I meant to post this earlier but I got distracted by drowning in strawberries and being dumb enough to cut up the inside of my mouth. Again. And now I'm posting this from my phone at like 2.30AM. (This is so tedious, I'm never doing it again.) I'm actually meant to be sleeping, but my anxiety, insecurities and fears of being inadequate are keeping me awake. Good fun. I'll probably post about that in the next few days, once I've properly sorted out my thoughts.

Anyway, this weeks metrics: 5128.

It's even more appalling than last week, unfortunately. Still, this ups me to... 11454 in 14 days. A dismal amount, but unsurprising, considering my struggles during this time. It should get better from here on though. I have a clearer idea of what needs to get done. All I need to do is sit down and actually get to it.

hear them promise a story if only i'll listen

Every day I tell myself I should do something productive, except oh wait, I'm not done with all that nothing I already started.

Relatively short post to say that today I TC'd with L and S for a good four or so hours about NaNo, despite being horrendously behind on where I should be. L is pretty on track in terms of metrics, but she's facing a lot of difficulties in terms of inconsistencies in her plot, so we sobbed about that together for a while. Her plot is so delicious though. S is ahead of his plans, but that was expected. I would be upset about his ability to write so beautifully and fluently if I didn't know how much he sacrifices for it. I don't know how he does it really - juggling school and study and games and tutoring and writing. I wish I could time manage that well.

After today, I'm feeling better about NaNo, though. I'm so thankful that I have L and S to hold my hand and walk me through it this year, talk to me about what the problems are and things I can work on to iron them out. They're friends that I never thought that I'd have. I think I know, for the most part, where my characters are going now though I'm still afraid that they're going to run away with me in tow. If I don't make the 50k (which is what I strongly suspect is going to happen because, oh god, I am horrendously behind to the point where I doubt even the full days of writing that I might be able to pull out now won't up my metrics to where I should be), at least I've made headway into something that could be mine. NaNo will probably just end up being an excuse to write, write freely without thinking about needed to edit and correct - that can all come later - and just improve.

An excerpt:
They seek him out more and more often, asking him to help them, please, please help them. He learns not to pull away. Trying to free himself from their unwilling grasps leaves him with dark bruises and welts that he has to conceal with long sleeves and gloves because they take weeks to heal. He can close his eyes, block out the scenes, block out their faces, but he can’t block out the sounds. Their voices pierce through everything. There are times when they are angry, screaming at him to do something. There are yet more times when they don’t speak to him at all, just stare at him with cold, hard, accusing eyes, as if he were the one responsible. Or maybe they're just demanding to know why he hasn't found the ones who are. He doesn't know. He's not sure he wants to. Then there are those who spend the day reliving the end. Those are the worst of all.

I might be feeling better about NaNo, but Team 17: The Future Remix is still driving me up the wall. Who let me think this was a good idea?

tales of being mistaken for a hooker

Tales, because yeah, it's happened more than once

Password locked for reasons; hit me up if you really want to know.

metrics #1

Two days late, but the week's total: an appalling 6326.

There's still a lot more to get done. I'm nowhere near reaching my usual, even for the day, which is frustrating. I broke off for three days so today I'm desperately trying to play catch up. I suspect in the next day or so I'm going to have to pause and figure out how to tie what I already have in together so that I can have a reasonable discussion on progressions on Wednesday.

At least I'm progressing, learning, pushing myself. Kind of.

let's step up

Happy November ! The weather skips between gorgeous and depressing; it's playing havoc with my moods though I really should be used to temperamental weather by now.

I know I said that I would backlog entries, and I will, I promise. I'm feeling a lot better than I was a week ago, so I actually have the time and energy to spend on doing all the things I was supposed to do last week. I should be grateful that my body chose last week to give off fighting my sickness. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did - I've been feeling like I'm going to get sick for a good two months, at least. Anyway, I got knocked out for about five or six days where all I really did was just lie around in bed and alternate between complaining about being sick to people and just sleeping away the entire day.

I managed to Skype with A and E for the first time in a long while. I'm not particularly good friends with E - mostly I like her because A likes her so much - but she's always fun to talk to. She had to leave for work not long after, but I got to talk to A for an hour or so longer. A is still one of my favourite people, for all that we haven't talked much this year, being so caught up in our respective lives. She is the type where I know that if I reach out to her, she'll always respond. She demo'd something that she's been working on to me, which I really loved, even if it wasn't the best sound quality and I didn't quite understand all of it. She's always been able to find, to make the time for what makes her happiest. She compartmentalises in a way that I can only envy.

C and R left on Tuesday for Bali, so we've been charged, as always, with the responsibility for B, H and P. The more this happens, the less enthused I am about it. Although we did receive oranges and lemons and coriander from C and E prior to their leaving. I don't think I'd like to have pets. They're fun to play with but I think I am too concerned with being clean to be able to care for them and play with them on a regular basis.

I caught up with S on Friday for the first time in a while, mostly because we needed to trade items. Every time I see her, I'm reminded of how different we've become. It's strange to think about how just two years ago I would have counted her among one of my closest friends. Two years ago, we could spend at least six hours together and not run out of things to talk about. Now, it seems an accomplishment if we last 30 minutes without any awkward silences. PT was particularly terrible, so instead of the two or so hours that I'd allocated, I ended up being with her for something like four hours - accompanying her to the orthodontist, and then just sitting around in the city for a while.

I love my mother but, as most if not all of us do, I have a complicated relationship with her. Tonight, I just want to complain that she's driving me up the wall in a very shallow, standard mother kind of way. I understand that she says the things that she does because she cares about me, that she's just trying to look out for me, but sometimes it feels like she thinks I have the intelligence of a child under ten in the 1800's or something. I don't want to sound unappreciative, because it would suck if she just didn't care about what I was doing, but there is no enjoyment in being made to feel as though I am somewhat incompetent and reckless.

Now that it's November, it's officially NaNoWriMo. I'm nowhere near where I should be in terms of metrics though, which is depressing, since it is still early days. Does this herald how the rest of the month will pan out? I certainly hope not. I'll just have to work harder. At the very least, I don't have exams to worry about studying for simultaneously. I've (tentatively) planned a TC session with S and L in ten days, just to talk about how we're all doing. Hopefully I'll have something of substance by then.

ETA: This entry is all over the place. I apologise to anyone and everyone who actually read it. The saddest part about it is that I really don't have any excuse as to why it was so...disorganised? Well, I'll try and do better in the future.

[x] fragment dump #1

More snippets related to the world this is in. Real backlogging tomorrow night, I swear.

It's easier to remember control sometimes, when she is around him. When she's close to him, it's easy to remember just how easily she could snap and break him. She has to be in control around him, has to be, because he is one thing that she will protect. He has four different kinds of green ties and he likes the one with thin silver stripes through it best, she recites to herself. His favourite colour is red and always has been and he's afraid of--

"Hey, are you okay?" And then her vision is filled with a bright smile and endlessly blue eyes. 
"Fine," she says and the smile she gives in return reaches her eyes easily. Nothing is ever faked when she's around him. 
"Good," he says, and throws an arm over her shoulder. She tries to ignore the way that heat spreads all through her from the points where they're touching, how just this one action has her heart beating double time. "Let's go out for lunch." 

--

Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel, it's just the way that she is: careless with people that she doesn't love. And she is so careful, so selective about who she chooses to love. People count themselves lucky, to be able to say with confidence that they are friends with her. And they are lucky, because once you have earned yourself a piece of her heart, it is yours forever. There aren't many who can say they are friends with her, and there are even less who can say, with absolute certainty, that she would do anything for them. She is fiercely loyal to those she calls her own. Everyone knows that she doesn't mean to be cruel but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to see that, for all that their group is so tightly-knit, he is the only one that she watches so carefully; that she is able to dismiss them so easily. It still hurts to see that she is careless with people who are not hers. 

--

Love, you think, and then, no. Not love, never love. I love you, too, is on the tip of your tongue, because that's what you've learned to say, to say without meaning. It's what was drilled in to you: love your friends but don't love your friends. You won't--you can't say anything that she wants to hear so you don't say anything at all. Love. You think that she has no idea what love is. 

--

She chokes back a sob and lurches forward, clutching at your shirt, winding her fingers in the thin material. You wonder, distantly, how long it has been. Will the others have noticed your disappearance, or will they just write it off as the two of you being you again? The thought brings a laugh burbling to your lips - you would deserve it, after night after night spent sneaking out of the bathroom window and disappearing until dawn even when it was prohibited. She helps you to stand, walksdrags the both of you on to the ledge, toes just over the edge. She sways slightly, rocking you along with her, pressing against the railing. It bites into your stomach and you reach out, fingers finding the worn, faint, barely there scratches of a melody beneath your fingertips. The city lights flash and blur as you stare blindly into them and remember. 

falling apart, what should i do

I know I'm not trying hard enough and yet somehow I'm still tired all the time. I think one of the worst things to feel is as though you are inadequate. Like you will never be anything more than mediocre at something, anything. And the thing is, it will always be the rank that they see and care about. It doesn't define you; all it means is that you didn't give them what they want. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't hurt any less, because even if it doesn't define you, it does hold weight. It's actually really quite distressing. I'm not unhappy, no, just...stressed and concerned and mostly just tired. Is that normal? Was I ever normal?

I'll keep going though, because the alternative consists of so much that I'm afraid to think about. It's incomprehensible.

Short post for now; I'll backlog with cheerful entries about the weekend later.

shiny yellow lining oh so blinding

with my hands, gold bands

don't take it easy, just make it harder to breathe

What have I even done in this past week? I can barely remember. After what C revealed yesterday, I'm suddenly a little more concerned about who is even reading this out there. (Hi? Hello? Please tell me who you are :c).

I spent most of the early part of this week and also tonight thinking a lot about NaNo. I think I have a vague idea of what I might do now, if I do it at all. Perhaps I should aim a little lower than 50k, I have never been good at length. Looking back at things I've done for past NaNo's, it's obvious that my plot, my writing has become forced towards the end in an attempt to make it to that 50k mark. Like O says, if I make the 50k that's great, but if not, at least I'm writing something that I want to be. It definitely needs to be fleshed out properly and expanded on before November starts, of course. I'll probably get S to help me out with that. L's plans still run a little too close to mine for comfort, but it can't be helped. We have completely different writing styles, anyway.

I meant to post about M's birthday last Saturday but that clearly never happened. In any case, it was pretty good, even if I ended up being there for only about an hour. The Lab on Bourke has decent sorbet, though I think my enjoyment stemmed more from having observed the nitrogen making part of it. I stumbled on the escalators at Flinders on the way home and, a week later, still have the bruising and the scratch. I should learn to be more careful ;;

On Thursday A graduated! Graduations are always a fun event, and A, T, X, M and I went out to Monga in Glen Waverley for dinner to celebrate. Or rather, they had dinner and I sort of...observed and had dessert? I should learn to eat real, regular meals :( It was a good time, and I got to experience X, M and T's driving, all in one night. T dropped me off at MC afterwards, where I met up for a bit with O and got introduced to C, who seems perfectly lovely and like lots of fun. I wouldn't mind seeing her again.

I am the most terrible at decision making, tbh. O and I originally had plans for cake on Friday, but ended up with ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Not that I mind - I like ice cream nearly as much as I like cake, and the strawberry cheesecake was delicious. We walked around Chadstone until he had to leave, and then I met up with X a little while later to finish shopping around for C's present. It took a while, but we managed in the end. I am so thankful that I am good at remembering little details, because otherwise we might've ended up embarrassed like some of the others were.

Yesterday (Saturday) was C's birthday at her new-ish house. Her house is so big and fancy that a few of us joked about her not actually living there but instead having rented it out just to have her birthday in. C is always so pretty and wonderful, I don't know how she manages it. She bakes to levels I can only envy. It's always good to see people outside of a uni context, too. I dragged A, A and X into violating C's privacy by invading her room and her joint study while she was unawares. Later, M and I lay on her bed and investigated her wardrobe too. I got to rub my face on her clothes, which I'm pretty certain she still doesn't know about. I also finally got to reunite with O for the first time in about 15 years! She is tiny and cute and talented and omg I love her ;__; She was my best friend in prep and I am determined not to lose contact with her again. It should be easier now, after this first time. It probably helps that our siblings are friends, too.

I Skyped with J around midday , the type of conversation where you say nothing important at all, which resulted in me saying, "This is a really weird conversation and I'm not sure how we got here", and her telling me that, "This is how everyone else feels when they talk to you", haha. I also TC'd with F and her boyfriend! She asked if O and I are the sickening type who have pet names for each other in public (because she and G are), which actually confused me. We're not, at this point, which is a little odd to think about because I have in past relationships, and I do with a lot of people that I'm friends with. K, for example, is always sweetie with me, while L and C and J are darling; EJ and A and N used to be love. I always get baby from S and V, pet from P (how English she is will never fail to amuse me), hon/hun from M, and angel from T. Maybe I'd find it easier if I didn't already have so many people I use endearments with; there are only so many before you have to start using the disgustingly sickening kind - and I have vowed to never sink that far. It's not necessarily a bad thing that we don't at this stage; it's just different.

There was a group meeting for 4250 in the city this afternoon, which left me feeling drained, both emotionally and physically. Everything about this is beginning to set my teeth on edge. Possibly this overflow of emotions is part of my getting sick (again), which is in no part thanks to the awful, bipolar weather we endured today. I'm tired of being tired. There's only two weeks left, and then I can pass out forever, thankfully. Or at least, for something like forever.

an interlude away

October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.

I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?

G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.

I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.

T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.

M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.