an interlude away

October has been fairly kind to me thus far; though I suppose that it doesn't count for much, considering we're still less than a week in to it. It might also be to do with the fact that this has been the mid-semester break and, as such, all my days have been devoted to doing virtually nothing that requires a lot of mental engagement. After this, there is still three weeks of class, which heralds a lot of stress. At least I will have my own space when it matters. D leaves in just over a week, so my sister will be back out of my room. Not that sharing has been awful, just a little inconveniencing.

I had my cafe interview yesterday. I'm not feeling all that good about it, but we'll see how things go. In any case, it's not the end of the world if I don't get this - there will be other chances! Be more positive; it's Spring, after all, so how can I not be?

G and I had a conversation over breakfast (cinnamon toast on my end and museli, yoghurt and fruit on hers) via TC this morning. I didn't see her nearly enough when she lived closer, and I'll see and speak to her even less now that she's moved states. There's a part of me that will always love her, even if she upsets me, because I know she cares a lot about me, even if she doesn't always show it in the most considerate way. I think I need her callousness sometimes. She asked me a lot of questions, but most pertinently about if I was sure about everything, and when this all started, which is...also not the first time I've been asked that this week.

I think it's an unfair question because it's not one with a clear-cut answer. It's not as if I woke up and rolled out of bed one morning thinking that today, and thereon after, I was going to like O, in the same way that I didn't simply wake up and decide that actually, I would like to just write for the rest of my life, no matter how draining writing can be. Things just don't work like that. They're a gradual slide. A better question, perhaps, would be when I realised what this was to me. Though I'm not entirely sure that, if asked, I'd be able to answer that question either. It's not as if I kept records of this kind of thing.

T has been so good recently, she really is the best kind of friend. Y, A, C, W, J and S I would punch if I were able, though. I love them but they are being so insufferable. M and T are being melodramatic as ever, and it's really not something I need right now. On the other end, I hate to think of what may come if C were to find out, but I'm pretty sure we all cut every possible ties back then. I'm not unscathed, and one day I'll probably have to talk about it, but for now I don't think I need to worry. I'm going to concentrate more on short term planning. The big picture upsets, overwhelms, depresses me, makes me think about why I even bother. Or maybe I am just looking too big.

M's birthday tonight; post to come about that later, I suppose.

living life hard until we die

SAMA Social Night last Friday. C's birthday on Saturday. Skype with my favourite 姐姐 K on Sunday afternoon, and dinner/dessert with a combination of the C4 and VR6 on Sunday night. Frantic last minute house cleaning today. Relatives arriving on Tuesday. Taking D out on Wednesday and possibly Thursday morning. Potentially seeing K on Saturday afternoon, and then M's birthday on Saturday night. I'm still feeling like I'm on the way to getting sick so if I don't collapse at the end of this week, it'll be a miracle. I've been sleeping a bit earlier than usual and taking tablets though, so hopefully that helps somewhat.

I feel like there's not much to say about Friday's and Saturday's events. Got my younger sister to braid my hair before she had to leave for cheerleading practice. Formal events are always a delight to me; there are some people who clean up incredibly well when they try and it's nice to be reminded of that. Attendance was low at Social Night which made the percentage of people that I actually knew/liked significantly higher; that still wasn't exactly a lot of people. There were quite a few people that I'm certain I have never seen before there too. I still had a reasonably good time, though.

C's birthday was a pretty small affair. Part of me is still convinced that it would've been a better idea to postpone it, since half of tlist ended up not being able to attend and because pretty much all of us who ended up showing up (C, T, V, L and I) weren't exactly feeling all that great either. Met up with T earlier though still later than we originally planned (why am I so terrible at being on time nowadays ;;) and then ran into V while we were hanging out at Chatime. C was late, which wasn't exactly a surprise. Dumplings and tea for lunch and then L showed up for NRB until 7. I could literally feel my throat dying over the course of the afternoon but it was still pretty fun. The only downside was being stuck on a train afterwards that was full of people coming back from the AFL grand final and from the Royal Melbourne Show.

I cried a lot on Saturday night, but then, what else is new? Ever since That Era, it's like I cry at everything. Everything. It's not exactly ideal but it's definitely better that I'm able to express emotions now. I am also pretty sure I'm turning into some kind of stress baker, which is also not necessarily a good thing.

Skype with K was wonderful. It's been around three weeks since the last time that we both had the time to have a conversation. Even though this one wasn't particularly long it was still lovely to be able to talk to her properly again. It was a conversation full of capslock and catching up on life and other ridiculous things.
K: idk how i'd explain that to my mother. "yeah wen told me to start collecting hedgehogs so here we are"
Me: shhh they're small she wouldn't have to find out

Dinner last night was a standard affair. V picked me up and we met up with K2 at WG's for dinner, before seeing C, F and J afterwards for dessert. I still sounded awful though, but it was worth it. I don't know when we'll next be able to line up our schedules with free time. It's been months since I've seen them. I was initially pretty worried despite everything that K2 have been telling me. It's sort of strange to think about; I met C when she was so young and she's so grown up now. She'll be amazing though, and I think I'm okay with entrusting F with her. I'll learn to be.

L and D and S spoke to me about their potential plans for NaNo on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Sometimes I despair, because I wonder about how can I ever measure up beside them. I can't imagine ever being able to stop trying, though. I'm considering either the post-apocalypse or the mutants/superpowers 'verses, though the latter is similar to what L has planned. Government agents will probably be my last resort, though it is not at all intended for 50k. At least there's still a month to think about it.

I'm a little terrified, but I'm happy. I am. That's what matters.

trying emotions

For the stalkers who stalk (who is even reading this out there?): FUCK Y'ALL. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.

A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity. 

NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.

Real updates later, I guess.

let your hair down

There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!

T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.

原谅我没有说

I bitch and moan about people in the world so often that sometimes, I tend to forget that there are really amazing people around me. Sometimes, I worry about whether they know how much I honestly appreciate everything that they do for me. Most of the time though, I fear that they think that I'm ungrateful. It should be easy to say - after all, these are words and words and words that are used on a daily basis; but sometimes they're used so much that they lose all meaning. The people around me don't rely on me for anything, and I rely on others so much that it hurts to know how weak I am on my own, and if I could only work out how to say the words, I would thank them with everything that I have. The fears that they don't know the value, the importance they represent to me can get so overwhelming. Sometimes, I think that they'll become sick of putting up with everything that I am and just walk away, and it's easy to admit that that's why I am the way I am sometimes; better to give them a reason to leave me behind. Sometimes, it's easy to tell myself I'm being stupid, think that of course they must know, or else they wouldn't smile at me like that, treat me the way that they do. Most of the time though, it's not.

dear so-called friends

If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.

The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.

I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.

I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.

listen up, because i'm making a statement

FUCK YOU.

We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.

Okay.

You can fuck right off, tyvm.

perhaps it's time you looked into personal space

Sometimes I think PDA is cute.

These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.

Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.

You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.

I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.

When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).