dear so-called friends

If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.

The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.

I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.

I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.

listen up, because i'm making a statement

FUCK YOU.

We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.

Okay.

You can fuck right off, tyvm.

perhaps it's time you looked into personal space

Sometimes I think PDA is cute.

These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.

Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.

You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.

I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.

When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

can't stop the music, this moment is for you tonight

Karaoke is honestly one of my favourite pastimes, regardless of what kind of group I'm going with. This is, though, still somewhat dependent on whether the group allows me to do all the songs that I want. Even if I don't though, I still enjoy seeing everyone else have fun with whatever songs they've inputted. Seeing people not care about pitch or tone and just have fun always makes me smile.

The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).

It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.

I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.

Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.

I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.

sun is in the sky, why would i want to be anywhere else?

The weather's been gorgeous lately, for Winter, at least. I went out with C on Wednesday, since exams are officially over and done with. It'd been just over a month since I last saw her, which doesn't seem quite so long, but is when you've become accustomed to seeing someone every other day for three months straight. I had an interesting encounter on my way to meeting her, but that's for another time, perhaps. Now that she's moved houses, K Rd is that convenient almost-equal distance from both of us.

The French cafe has been a favourite of both of ours for a while, so it seemed like a good place to have our first official date. Although we met up around lunch time, I suppose it'd be rather more appropriate to say that we had an early afternoon tea instead, having ordered an apple crumble and a mixed berry danish to share. C got Earl Grey while I, having had not quite as much sleep, got a latte. And then proceeded to convince C to procure me some extra sugar packets. It was pricier than a normal cafe, but well worth it for the plush seats we secured and the lovely atmosphere, I feel. We chatted and caught up about exams and other life happenings. I think we spent the better part of the hours there reminiscing about our past, younger selves - primary and high school memories both. It's interesting how even though we come from different places, some things are constants.

Whenever I reflect on all the time I spend with C, the clearest is always how loud we are in comparison to others. We've always been loud individually, but when we're together, I suspect it's a little intimidating (?) for the people around us. We stayed in the cafe until it closed so there was plenty of opportunity to notice how very little the volume in the room seemed to decrease every time the other customers left.

What upsets me most about Winter is how quickly the sun sets. At this point, it's literally an hour or so until the sky is pitch black. Still, we vacated the cafe before the sun set, and walked back to the main section of K Rd for ice cream. I feel like a litre of ice cream would've been lovely, but in the end we settled for a cup of three flavours - cookie dough, Baileys with almonds and some odd combination named Stairway to Heaven. Even though it was starting to get dark we still sat outside, during which time we had an intriguing conversation on fandoms and fic, before she saw me off onto my bus and we parted ways.

I caught up with S on Thursday morning for brunch. The weather was not so great in the morning, cold and windy, but it shaped up later. We were inside for most of the time, anyway. I hadn't seen her since May either, and a lot had transpired since then - what with uni and her trip to Japan and everything. I think that's the part I enjoy most about having "real life fandom friends" - friends who I can go out and see, but still talk fandom with. Perhaps it helps that most of the ones that I do go out with tend to be more rational, more accepting and willing to talk through issues. Breakfast was a ridiculous size and I felt full the rest of the day, which was a bonus, I suppose. We talked for a few hours, about all sorts of things, and then S went back to her grandparents, and I shopped for a bit before coming home.

I should've done a lot more after coming home on both days than I did, but well. I need to start making to-do lists again.

the road not taken

Honestly speaking, I feel a little more stressed now that I'm actually on holidays than I was when it was exam season. I don't dismiss all that I've accomplished so far this year as unimportant, and I don't think that relaxing and enjoying my holiday is undeserved. But at the same time, that all fades when it comes to thinking about what I could be doing, should be doing, could have, should have, done instead. I should have put forth more effort into finding something to do this year. Why didn't I look for a place to work at? Why didn't I plan for even something like volunteer work to build up experience, make myself more appealing for hire? Being (occasionally) awesome isn't enough; you need experience to back it up when you want a job. Doubtless this is exacerbated by my younger sister getting hired before me and leaving me as the only one not making my own way. Even so, I don't take the initiative often enough. And it hurts to think about. Because I know that I could have done more.

it's a phony world we live in

You know, I hate this thing that people do.

I don't know if I could pick a side, because if it were me, I'd want you to be on my side too. I'm tired of trying to mediate between T and M when I shouldn't even be caught up in this.

Kindly keep your drama the fuck away from me.