put your hands together, now make a wish

dear 2021!self,

wow, what a year 2020 has been. you never could have imagined everything that came to pass when it started. looking back at your hopes and dreams for yourself last year is harder than it usually is. even knowing that there's been so much that happened which was outside of your control this year, you're still a little disappointed with yourself. that's okay though, I think, because at least you tried. your efforts will never betray you, how many times did you tell yourself that this year? too many to count, and even if things didn't quite work out the way that you wanted them to, you still did well. you still managed to achieve things that you didn't believe might be possible. 

this year changed a lot of your friendships. there are some that you didn't get to develop half as much as you wish you could have, so I hope that you've made an effort to in the new year. you sincerely like these people, so try your best to keep in touch even if it's hard. there are others that you are and have re-evaluated. it's hard to accept that you can't always be there for others, can't always influence the decisions that they made, particularly when you care about them, but I think this year especially, you learned that you do and you can be selfish. I hope you're prioritising yourself more now. give yourself time and space away when you need to, but don't forget to reach out to others because it's okay to need support too. after all, there are certain parts of this year you never would have been able to make it through if it were for the people around you. I hope you're still close with the ones that you hold dear to your heart. things might be different now, but that doesn't mean you have to grow apart. there are some people you think you can understand a little better now that you couldn't before. have you reached out to mend or rebuild those bridges? or did you decide that not doing so was better for you? either way, keep working on that. make the choices that are healthiest for you, even if it hurts to do so. 

you didn't get to have anywhere near the amount of new experiences this year that you wanted to. but that doesn't matter because you're still here. you're alive and healthy and safe, and as long as you have those things, you can try new things, go to new places, see and experience what is out there in the world. I wonder where you'll have been able to go by this time next year. wherever it is, I hope that you enjoyed yourself to the fullest and pushed yourself. 

your interests and priorities definitely changed a lot this year. are they still the same now? even if they are not, I hope that you're still happy and passionate about something. I hope that you're still keeping and gaining friends to share them with. you came out of your shell a little more this year. it's a little funny to think about how terrified you were, only to learn how supportive and accepting others can be when you come to them with good intentions. you've always known this but it's been hard to take that step. have you come even further now? if not, that's okay too. ease yourself into it, day by day, step by step. you'll get there. don't let your fears of being seen differently stop you. 

honestly, I'm still a little shocked that you managed to not only hit but surpass the nanowrimo word count. it's the first time you've ever been able to do so. have you finished working on freefall yet? even if it has been put on the backburner like your other previous attempts, don't feel badly about it. you proved to yourself this year that you can do it, it isn't too lofty a goal. november has ever been tricky so i hope you strove to do it again. you learnt, better than before, how you can surprise yourself this year. I hope you're still surprising yourself with how much you can take on and accomplish!  

in the end, you're still not happy with the person that you are. that's something that hasn't changed, and after so long, I do hope that you're never satisfied with who you've become. I fear for what will happen if that day should come, what kind of person would you be? I hope you're still trying to improve and be better than you are now. work on your patience and tolerance, as always. your heart can be big enough if you allow it to be. try not to let your fears and emotions, valid as they may be, hold you back. I hope you've made some better decisions this year. although you're not unhappy, there were some things that you regret doing, that you could have taken a step back from. have you learnt some self-control? though you're getting older, sometimes you're not so sure you're getting wiser. have you decided that these things are worth it in your quest for happiness? whichever it is, I hope that you've still been able to achieve some of your goals. I hope that you're doing your best to make the most of what you have. this decade may not have started off well but you've got a whole year ahead of you to turn it around. I hope that you did. 

love, 

2020!self 

any moment you could walk through that door

dear 2020!self,

where will you be this time next year? I hope you are somewhere different to this year, somewhere you are happy and surrounded by people who love you. 

2019 has been a hard year for you, in so many ways. there is so much that changes in a year. it hurts, a little, to look back at your letter to yourself last year. you had so many hopes for yourself that didn't go the way that you had planned. but that's life, isn't it? it can be difficult to reconcile what you dreamed of with what you actually achieved. but you still accomplished a lot, be proud of that. 

you had so many new experiences this year that you never would have dreamt of before. how much did you expend to have those? you don't know and frankly, you don't really want to calculate it. it was worth it, all of it. I hope that you're still having experiences that you've dreamed of, but I hope you're at least being a little smarter about it. either way, you wouldn't be able to do it without the people that you have now. this time last year, you couldnt have imagined that you'd be this close with these people. but this group brought you through the whole year, made it possible for you to have so many exciting and shiny things happen. they're the reason why, even though this year wasn't particularly kind to you, you didn't feel like you needed to turn here alone. they carried you through the weight and the heaviness and even if things change next year, you're grateful for it. 

you lost other people this year, some of them you never imagined that you would. but life throws surprises at you, and sometimes as much as you want it to work out, it doesn't if the other person won't put their efforts in. you've come to terms with that somewhat, and I hope that perhaps next year, you're able to think back on the times that you spent with them fondly and without bitterness. you didn't develop some relationships as much as you could have this year but that's alright - you're still on good terms and there will be time. and, of course, always, there are those at your core, who you will hold onto with bleeding fingertips for as long as you can and who you're thankful for taking your hand when you hold it out even if you're separated by life and distance of the every day. 

nanowrimo didn't work out again for you this year but you've come to accept that. November is after all, a month that has never been good for you. that hasn't stopped you from trying though, and I hope you haven't either. you're still passionate about writing, still looking for that story that only you can tell, the words that only you can breathe into life. I hope you haven't given up on the others either, you've been working on them for too long for that. even if it's just a few words, sentences, paragraphs a year. writing is writing. one of these days, it will all come together. I believe in that. you're becoming more confident in yourself this year too. keep putting yourself out there, who knows what could happen. 

above all else, I hope you're trying your best to live every day. be happier. be healthier. believe what others tell you about yourself, even if it's hard. I hope you can be a better person in 2020, someone that you can tell yourself others would be proud to know. I hope you know that it's okay to not be happy, but I hope that you're still striving to be. you might not believe it now, but I hope that by 2020 you believe that you really do deserve all the good things that come into your life. you're a completely different person at the end of this decade than you were at the beginning. you've grown so much and there are still so many more things in store for you.

love, 

2019!self

every moment is different every day

dear 2019!self,

2018 really was a hell of a year. in some ways you are more than happy that it's over, in others you wish that you could hold onto it for just a little longer. looking back at last year's note is hard. you had a lot of hopes for yourself this year, and it's disappointing to think about all of the ways you didn't fulfill them. which is not to say that you didn't accomplish anything, but it's always easier to see where you could have done better, tried harder. at least you tried, maybe next year you'll be able to keep working until you make it.

you're still in love with kpop, even though at times you worry about how it makes you look to others: childish? shallow? flighty? but it remains one of the greatest joys in your life, even with its ups and downs. how can it not? when you couldn't have had the experiences that you've had or met the people you did if you didn't have this. as the years go on, groups change and so do you. some have left you while others have filled the empty space. you travelled to see those close to your heart this year and you'll never regret that. those moments of connection are etched into your heart forever. hope for more.

you and m became closer this year and hopefully even closer next year. she's had so many different experiences to you but you're genuinely happy for her, even if your jealousy is sometimes overwhelming. you reunited with f in sg for the first time in 6 years and it was nothing like you remembered. you met ynansl this year and i hope that even though they're young you can still find ways to connect with them, they're good people. the circle is still going strong even when life means that those meetings are few and far between. you're holding onto them, perhaps because you know that those hands will always reach for yours in return without judgement. as always, you've had conflicts and distances this year too. do your best to repair them in the new year. don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, you deserve to be heard too. your heart is still closed but perhaps you'll open it next year. whatever path you choose, know that it's alright to hold on or let go.

keep working hard on writing. it's one of the few truly good things in your life even if it does frustrate you to no end sometimes. don't be afraid to put yourself out there, you've gotten a good response this year. it's hard but try to stop comparing yourself against others. remember that no two styles are alike. i hope that you'll be able to stick with it, you struggled a lot this year with fleeting ideas. commit. even if you're not happy with the final result.

truth be told, you're not happy with yourself, leaving this year. still, don't give up. there's always room for improvement and at the least you're aware enough to recognise it. keep striving to be someone that you can be proud of. keep looking for purpose. be healthy. keep yourself safe. take risks even when you're scared. you're still young. you will be fine. there are so many people who love you and will keep holding you up. i hope you can come away from 2019 feeling more like you've grown into yourself. make the most of what you have and enjoy it.

love,
2018!self

a question that i'll never solve

the scariest thing is that it never really went away.

there are some days that i wake up and i can still feel it. not as bad as back then, never, but the weight is there.

drained.

dull.

my brain has never been as clear and cruel as it was then.

it's scary.

i can't be that again, but it's there and it never goes away. it's just waiting.

sometimes i wish i could just forget that it had ever happened.

a fake handshake

words last forever but these ones are so empty.

do they come in an alienated form that only a few can understand?

sometimes it feels like this is an accident that was made to happen.

i'm sick of feeling this way, like i'm not sure of myself anymore, good enough anymore. if it's the way you really feel, i'd prefer if you'd just rip it off and make it clear. i'm tired of wondering whether it's all in my head or whether i'm reading the context clues the right way.

hold steady. 

act natural.

it blurs. 

sometimes things fall together; most of the time, things fall apart. 

sleepless nights become a routine

it doesn't happen just once

it happens over and over again

and like this we have a crack

it's just like playing with fire and i can't build it up

but in the end i'm not strong enough

i'm pathetic

more than half the day is empty, i can't breathe i can't eat i can't sleep, i'm wrecked

maybe all of this is just too self-centered but if even just a little if it's the same if it doesn't break that easily

i want to be selfish

you don't know, stop thinking, what's so hard about this?

this is disjointed and my mind is a mess but it's been a while since i've had such a visceral reaction

i'm holding out alone when there's no way to go up, where does this tunnel end? 

so just pretend that nothing happened

i guess it wasn't that deep after all 

everything gets reversed even though they shouldn't, all questions and no answers

it's not sane

i'm suffocating

it's an uncertain road but i will fly up

Dear 2018!self,

There are so many things that changed for you in 2017. I wonder if 2018 was any better for you. I wonder if you're happy again. You weren't for a lot of this year but you're moving forward, as slow as progress can seem a lot of the time. You'll be okay. You always are.

You experienced a lot of different things this year: exciting and shiny and new, dark and cold and upsetting. How many emotions did you feel this year, there were too many to even begin to think about; an entire spectrum. You met new people, reconnected with the old, and lost some in more ways than one. Still, you're incredibly lucky to have the people around you that you do. Do your best to keep cultivating those as best you can. You've never been great at being the first to reach out but make an effort. Mend those bridges. Treasure what you have because you don't know when it might leave you.

You realised that more than ever this year. As always, you've lost friends to distance and difference. It's not a bad thing like you used to think it was. There might be a time where you come together again in the future, but if not, that's alright too.

It's strange to look back at last year's note. All the things that you hoped for and wished for, how many of them did you get? You and O aren't a thing anymore, and you were so angry about that for a long time. But you know, now more than ever, how exhausting holding onto anger can be. You spent a lot of time being bitter and upset and confused, looking back at every instance and wondering where it all went wrong; when did things start to change; why didn't you notice. A says that it is okay though; he was your first real love and that is always going to be special to you. You learnt a lot about yourself during that time, you know yourself better now, and you're thankful that you had the time that you did. There are so many memories and they're all precious to you. You've let it go, and you're moving forward, one step at a time. A tells you to be kind to yourself so I hope that you're keeping that up.

There were a lot of other things that impacted you this year. Jonghyun's passing affected you much more than you thought that it would. Despite how little attention you have given in recent years, he was an integral part of shaping you into the person that you are now. You cried, talking about it with A. One of the hardest sessions that you've ever had, but your feelings around it are resolved. There's a lot that you're not happy with, but these idols are so, so important to you. Music gives life to those feelings when you can't find the right words to describe them yourself. Do what you can to show them how much you love them.

2017 was truly the year you went to concerts. Each of them was an unforgettable experience, even with the struggles. There were throwbacks to your teenage days, there were bright new current states. Even if he will never remember it, you managed to tell JB how much he means to you.

You travelled much more this year. Adelaide, Sydney, Brisbane, Japan. The trips weren't always what you dreamed they would be, but they were good nonetheless. You had fun. You saw your first snowfall too. I wonder if you will have travelled next year. I hope so. There are a lot of places you want to go still. Do it while you have the chance. You don't know what could change.

Somehow work was harder for you this year, despite how you thought it would be easier. You're coming to terms with the fact that you can't make everyone happy all the time. I hope that you are still working hard and aren't taking it for granted. Don't be afraid to look for help when you need it. Don't be afraid to try new things. You don't have to be friends with everyone but you do need to be able to work with them.

I wonder where you will be this time next year. I wonder what you will passionate about in 2018. Will you have finished Boom Boom, will you have successfully completed NaNoWriMo? You're getting closer to it every year you try. Will you still be in love with kpop? I hope you are, I hope you have something that keeps you going. Happiness seems like a lofty goal, but strive for it anyway. You might not get there but at the very least, I hope that you are content with where you are. Maybe that's more important than happiness.

Whatever it is that you do and wherever you are, I hope that you're satisfied with your year. I hope that you did your best to grow and be a better person, one that you like better than the person that you were in 2017. You don't have to decide tomorrow today but keep looking forward. Find the path that you want to take. Be safe. Be healthy. Be someone who people would be proud to know. Prove that you're worth their belief.

The skyway is bright. You will be okay.

Love,
2017!self.

that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

this night that came again

The irritating thing about A is that she keeps trying to get me to talk about what happened with C, like this all stems back to those hellish eight months I endured six? years ago. And while maybe she has a point because I know that the entire situation fucked with my perceptions and ability to trust myself and set boundaries and ruined relationships, it's not all about the things that C inflicted on me and made me think. Years before we even met, it's always been me and my fucked up brain doing stupid shit and wanting everything to stop.

Some days I don't know if I even want to get better. How fucked up is that?

feedback loops of bruises coloured blue

-35

the worst day in a while.

even worse than the day that you slipped up and ripped yourself open. even that was only a -20. you were so tired then but you stopped yourself and got rid of them after that first one.

you thought you were doing better but don't fool yourself.

a always says that this game of tallying up points for events is unhealthy. honestly, she's right. especially since you're hiding in a fucking bathroom to type this all out. can you even make it to tuesday without ruining everything.

you're just a fuck up. you always have been and you're kind of always a bitch. nobody wants to be friends with you, honestly.

you're a mess.

normal people don't act, don't react, like that.

you're never going to get close to anyone. everything you try is too little too late. there's honestly no point in even trying anything.

it's fucking ridiculous to feel like shit and like you're not worth anything at all when just a few days ago you were telling a that your week was an eight. why can't you figure out how to not be a disappointment to everyone you know.

there's an empty space in your drawer at home. it should scare you, how easily the thought of wanting those instruments back slides into your mind. you don't need to be here, burdening everyone you ever cared about and taking up space by existing.

maybe if you wait long enough everyone will forget you and be all the better for it.

and where he ended up no one knew

The picture of you in my mind is hazy. There are so many little details that I've forgotten: your height against mine, the exact shape of your smile, the spikes of your hair, the cadence of your voice and the tones of your laughter, the gestures you would make.

But there are some things that aren't so easy to forget. Some things that time can't blur from memory.

It's easy to remember you. A wonderful person with a good heart who welcomed so many of us into a home when we didn't know we needed it, who inspired us to enjoy life.

Forever eighteen, so brilliantly alive and vibrant.

Is it unfair of me to say this? It must be infinitely harder for the others. But even so...

Seven years has gone so fast. I've lived more of my life without you than I did with you.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

and many countless days later

i spoke to V on Sunday night for the first time in three? years. honestly, i wasn't really sure if we'd ever come back to each other especially since we haven't met often. but she's been there for me through... a lot of things. a lot of years.

i've been thinking a lot since then. the guilt and resentment weighs, thick and heavy and cloying. everyone was so worried. they tried to help but they couldn't understand.

there was a time where i didn't have the words to talk about myself. where i didn't understand myself. where i was more anxiety than myself. more scared of myself than anything else.

a time where the only thing i knew to do was to either lash out or hide it.

sometimes it's easy to touch and just imagine. what if, once more, would it help?

the scars may have faded but i know they were there.

there was (is?) a time where that was the only thing that helped.

seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

is it this way or that way?

if you have a complex it's because everyone keeps leaving.

the name calling and violence and rejection may have dulled but it's not so easy to forget.

you still remember.

you know the truth.

nobody can know just how deeply personal your self-loathing is.

whether it's sweat or tears

i can't sleep but what else is new?
why do i keep coming back?
why can't i just leave?
it goes around and around and i'm the one who looks a fool
please just let me breathe

my steps go nowhere i scratched it from my memory

Is it you who changed
Or is it I who changed
...
We’re the ones who’ve changed I guess
Everyone is like that I guess

Vacant room in my memory
This lunatic night swallows me 

i don't know when things suddenly started tumbling down and no matter how much i look for something it doesn't work 

i keep going back to trying to believe that YNWA but why burden others when they have their own lives to deal with 

things are still so much one step forward two steps back that is it really that happiness is too rare too lofty a goal 

a lot of times i'm not sure if i can achieve it or hold on to it 

if i am happy now it must be fleeting

i'm so scared i can't breathe that it kills me inside that i wish it would just end 

while i'm running alone on tracks in a place that's been left the call of the void becomes increasingly inviting

if i ever knew i've long since forgotten

it's one long night that i'm passing through

it's okay to be angry and never let go//it only gets harder the more that you know 

i've never been so thankful to be on a break before. even the kids were starting to look at me funny. at least now i don't have to pretend that every thing is peachy, sunnyperfectdon'tletthemknowsmileyou'refine. keep it in even when you feel like your face is burning off. i had enough practise at that, once. 

it's been a long time since i blogged this frequently. i guess i never felt like i needed to hide so much these past years. i know that i'm slipping back to a bad place but the last thing i want to do is lay it out for everyone else again. they shouldn't be dragged down just because i can't get it together.

being blue is better than being over it

...right?

I don't want to forget.

the storms came, the winds changed

everyone, a especially, keeps telling me that things will get better, things will get easier, i deserve more. some days i think they're right. more often i wish i could believe what they say as wholly as they do. the problem is always that i want--you can never get sick of wanting.

at the very least, i don't cry every day any more. though i'm not sure if that would have been any better than constantly feeling like i'm living through a grey haze.

all those things i read about, that i wrote about--none of it really existed until now.

it's hardest to see that everybody else is so happy. l is moving to sydney to be with w. c and other l are both making plans for their weddings. c and r are travelling together. j is moving in with k. m, t, w and d are all looking at buying houses and making real lives. n is organising a surprise for c. w just got married. s is getting married next week. a and j are about to leave for travels. h and e are getting engaged.

i wish i didn't feel so bitter when i look at how excited they all are. i wish i didn't begrudge them their happiness. but i am, incredibly so, because i honestly thought that this year would be the end of it. that this year would be a good year. so far though 2017 is kicking my ass real hard with a whole bunch of emotional pain.

lies and cries and broken ties