every moment is different every day

dear 2019!self,

2018 really was a hell of a year. in some ways you are more than happy that it's over, in others you wish that you could hold onto it for just a little longer. looking back at last year's note is hard. you had a lot of hopes for yourself this year, and it's disappointing to think about all of the ways you didn't fulfill them. which is not to say that you didn't accomplish anything, but it's always easier to see where you could have done better, tried harder. at least you tried, maybe next year you'll be able to keep working until you make it.

you're still in love with kpop, even though at times you worry about how it makes you look to others: childish? shallow? flighty? but it remains one of the greatest joys in your life, even with its ups and downs. how can it not? when you couldn't have had the experiences that you've had or met the people you did if you didn't have this. as the years go on, groups change and so do you. some have left you while others have filled the empty space. you travelled to see those close to your heart this year and you'll never regret that. those moments of connection are etched into your heart forever. hope for more.

you and m became closer this year and hopefully even closer next year. she's had so many different experiences to you but you're genuinely happy for her, even if your jealousy is sometimes overwhelming. you reunited with f in sg for the first time in 6 years and it was nothing like you remembered. you met ynansl this year and i hope that even though they're young you can still find ways to connect with them, they're good people. the circle is still going strong even when life means that those meetings are few and far between. you're holding onto them, perhaps because you know that those hands will always reach for yours in return without judgement. as always, you've had conflicts and distances this year too. do your best to repair them in the new year. don't be afraid to speak up for yourself, you deserve to be heard too. your heart is still closed but perhaps you'll open it next year. whatever path you choose, know that it's alright to hold on or let go.

keep working hard on writing. it's one of the few truly good things in your life even if it does frustrate you to no end sometimes. don't be afraid to put yourself out there, you've gotten a good response this year. it's hard but try to stop comparing yourself against others. remember that no two styles are alike. i hope that you'll be able to stick with it, you struggled a lot this year with fleeting ideas. commit. even if you're not happy with the final result.

truth be told, you're not happy with yourself, leaving this year. still, don't give up. there's always room for improvement and at the least you're aware enough to recognise it. keep striving to be someone that you can be proud of. keep looking for purpose. be healthy. keep yourself safe. take risks even when you're scared. you're still young. you will be fine. there are so many people who love you and will keep holding you up. i hope you can come away from 2019 feeling more like you've grown into yourself. make the most of what you have and enjoy it.

love,
2018!self