seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

is it this way or that way?

if you have a complex it's because everyone keeps leaving.

the name calling and violence and rejection may have dulled but it's not so easy to forget.

you still remember.

you know the truth.

nobody can know just how deeply personal your self-loathing is.

whether it's sweat or tears

i can't sleep but what else is new?
why do i keep coming back?
why can't i just leave?
it goes around and around and i'm the one who looks a fool
please just let me breathe

my steps go nowhere i scratched it from my memory

Is it you who changed
Or is it I who changed
...
We’re the ones who’ve changed I guess
Everyone is like that I guess

Vacant room in my memory
This lunatic night swallows me 

i don't know when things suddenly started tumbling down and no matter how much i look for something it doesn't work 

i keep going back to trying to believe that YNWA but why burden others when they have their own lives to deal with 

things are still so much one step forward two steps back that is it really that happiness is too rare too lofty a goal 

a lot of times i'm not sure if i can achieve it or hold on to it 

if i am happy now it must be fleeting

i'm so scared i can't breathe that it kills me inside that i wish it would just end 

while i'm running alone on tracks in a place that's been left the call of the void becomes increasingly inviting

if i ever knew i've long since forgotten

it's one long night that i'm passing through

it's okay to be angry and never let go//it only gets harder the more that you know 

i've never been so thankful to be on a break before. even the kids were starting to look at me funny. at least now i don't have to pretend that every thing is peachy, sunnyperfectdon'tletthemknowsmileyou'refine. keep it in even when you feel like your face is burning off. i had enough practise at that, once. 

it's been a long time since i blogged this frequently. i guess i never felt like i needed to hide so much these past years. i know that i'm slipping back to a bad place but the last thing i want to do is lay it out for everyone else again. they shouldn't be dragged down just because i can't get it together.

being blue is better than being over it

...right?

I don't want to forget.

the storms came, the winds changed

everyone, a especially, keeps telling me that things will get better, things will get easier, i deserve more. some days i think they're right. more often i wish i could believe what they say as wholly as they do. the problem is always that i want--you can never get sick of wanting.

at the very least, i don't cry every day any more. though i'm not sure if that would have been any better than constantly feeling like i'm living through a grey haze.

all those things i read about, that i wrote about--none of it really existed until now.

it's hardest to see that everybody else is so happy. l is moving to sydney to be with w. c and other l are both making plans for their weddings. c and r are travelling together. j is moving in with k. m, t, w and d are all looking at buying houses and making real lives. n is organising a surprise for c. w just got married. s is getting married next week. a and j are about to leave for travels. h and e are getting engaged.

i wish i didn't feel so bitter when i look at how excited they all are. i wish i didn't begrudge them their happiness. but i am, incredibly so, because i honestly thought that this year would be the end of it. that this year would be a good year. so far though 2017 is kicking my ass real hard with a whole bunch of emotional pain.

lies and cries and broken ties

skeletons grow stronger when kept in the rearview

even though leaving c was the hardest thing i've done and i was so damn terrified for so long afterwards this hurts infinitely more. back then at least i knew there wasn't anything to save. i knew i had to get out before i got even more fucked up or before anyone else got hurt too.

i didn't know anything this time.

maybe i've just been pretending this whole time that all the things they said to me were wrong.

i'm not enough. i'm not worth it. i never will be.

that's the one thing, there's no safety in desire

a positive emotion can fuck you up forever

slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.