it's one long night that i'm passing through

it's okay to be angry and never let go//it only gets harder the more that you know 

i've never been so thankful to be on a break before. even the kids were starting to look at me funny. at least now i don't have to pretend that every thing is peachy, sunnyperfectdon'tletthemknowsmileyou'refine. keep it in even when you feel like your face is burning off. i had enough practise at that, once. 

it's been a long time since i blogged this frequently. i guess i never felt like i needed to hide so much these past years. i know that i'm slipping back to a bad place but the last thing i want to do is lay it out for everyone else again. they shouldn't be dragged down just because i can't get it together.

being blue is better than being over it

...right?

I don't want to forget.

the storms came, the winds changed

everyone, a especially, keeps telling me that things will get better, things will get easier, i deserve more. some days i think they're right. more often i wish i could believe what they say as wholly as they do. the problem is always that i want--you can never get sick of wanting.

at the very least, i don't cry every day any more. though i'm not sure if that would have been any better than constantly feeling like i'm living through a grey haze.

all those things i read about, that i wrote about--none of it really existed until now.

it's hardest to see that everybody else is so happy. l is moving to sydney to be with w. c and other l are both making plans for their weddings. c and r are travelling together. j is moving in with k. m, t, w and d are all looking at buying houses and making real lives. n is organising a surprise for c. w just got married. s is getting married next week. a and j are about to leave for travels. h and e are getting engaged.

i wish i didn't feel so bitter when i look at how excited they all are. i wish i didn't begrudge them their happiness. but i am, incredibly so, because i honestly thought that this year would be the end of it. that this year would be a good year. so far though 2017 is kicking my ass real hard with a whole bunch of emotional pain.

lies and cries and broken ties

skeletons grow stronger when kept in the rearview

even though leaving c was the hardest thing i've done and i was so damn terrified for so long afterwards this hurts infinitely more. back then at least i knew there wasn't anything to save. i knew i had to get out before i got even more fucked up or before anyone else got hurt too.

i didn't know anything this time.

maybe i've just been pretending this whole time that all the things they said to me were wrong.

i'm not enough. i'm not worth it. i never will be.

that's the one thing, there's no safety in desire

a positive emotion can fuck you up forever

slowly to the next page.. the next step is here

Dear 2017!self,

This is a little bit late but...things changed so much during 2016. It's strange looking back and reading about all the hopes and dreams and fears you had. All the experiences and memories. Still, you're proud of yourself for everything that you accomplished in the year, even if it's not half as much as you hoped it would be.

Teaching was a struggle, definitely, this first year. You really realised how sometimes, no matter what you try, some things you just can't fix. Some people you just won't get along with. Sometimes, people will surprise you with how much they can change. Remember that, for next year. Try to have more compassion and patience next year. C is moving on, and you're glad that you were friends with her; you're glad she's taking these opportunities and making the most of herself and her life. T and A are lovely, lovely people. You're not sure how things with R will work out, but hope for the best. Whatever happens, do your best to weather it and focus on yourself. Even with all the difficulties you encountered this year, you did a good job. It may never be something that you're truly passionate about, but at the very least, you can be good enough at it to survive.

You're still not a part of the L-comm, and you still haven't shared it with anyone apart from T, but I think that's okay. Maybe it's just not the right time. Maybe it's fleeting. You do regret, a little, because they do seem lovely, but you're okay. You fell in love, even more, with certain groups and people and shows. Even though you missed out on Josh&Tyler again this year (and you probably won't have a chance again next year, considering the blow up), it's nice to go to things with people. Even though you didn't meet the others this time, that's okay. You can still catch glimpses of their lives. Surprisingly, you didn't go to a lot of things this year. You have plans for next year though, and those will be amazing.

You haven't spent as much time with the people that you love as you wish you could have. You're lucky though, because those people are ones who will always be there for you. They're the ones who understand that life gets in the way and its not always easy, but there's a lot of love there, underneath it all. You turned 24 this year, next year you'll be 25. It seems like a milestone age. I wonder what you will be doing then.

Your heart is still so full. It flutters, every time you think about what the future holds. It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. Maybe by this time next year, you will have found somewhere for the both of you. If all goes well, anyway. You'll be sad to leave everything behind, but that's what life is. And, you've known this for a while now, even though it's a sacrifice and it'll be hard, there's no part of you that doubts it. This is what you want. Remember to keep working hard for it. You were so lucky this year to spend as much time together as you did. It won't be the same next year, but hold on to what you're feeling and share it. Remember to choose this, every single day. Remember how lucky you are to have someone choose you. Do your best to deserve that.

You didn't blog at all this year. It's strange to think about, but at the same time... it's hard to feel like your life is interesting enough to talk about, hah. Writing came harder this year too. Harder to find the time, when every day it seems like you just don't have the energy for anything other than the minimum. I hope you make more of an effort next year - it should come easier. You know what to expect. You have the ideas. You know better the kind of story that you want to tell now, that you wish you'd been able to read before. Find the time. It's worth it for you; this is what you love.

It feels so crazy, looking back at all these past entries and seeing the person that you were. I wonder what kind of person you will be next year. It never really feels like you're growing throughout the year..until you really think about the thoughts and decisions that you made in the past. Next year, I hope you're still able to love as fully as you are now. I hope that you are happy, and healthy, and that you made the right decisions for you. Enjoy everything that you can. The future is so scary, but no matter what happens, you'll be okay. Next year, you'll look back at everything and laugh about how worried you were over insignificant things. You'll be in a different place, and I hope it's a better one. I hope you're a better person and understand yourself more than ever before.

Love,
2016!self.

remember that morning is when night is dead

Dear 2016!self,

Honestly, current self is a bit unsure about how to feel in regards to this year. Re-reading last year's note really just highlights how much you let yourself down this year. But at the same time, there are things that you're really proud of yourself for, too. I wonder what you will feel at the end of 2016. I hope your feelings are a lot more clear cut than they are this year.

A lot of things changed for you this year. You officially graduated, with a ceremony and everything. Though you didn't get pictures with that many people, (most of) the important ones were there for you. You have a Big Kid job now, though you haven't started yet. I wonder how it went for you. C and T seem nice, as do the rest of the team. I hope you can do well and can say that you're proud of the work you put it. You ventured more actively into a field that you've been interested in for a while. I hope that in a year's time, you have shared that with your friends instead of being secretive about it. If not, that's okay too. Some things you're allowed to keep for yourself.

You really fell off with blogging this year. With writing, too, to an extent. But these are things you will always come back to. You worked on fic this year, took a step out of your comfort zone and showed people, with mixed results. The important thing is that you did it, and you can keep doing it. You have a lot of thinvs that are sitting unfinished, but you're alright with that now. Maybe those aren't the stories that you are meant to tell. I think you will know when you have the riht one. Don't stop going back and looking at them, working on them in bits and pieces though. The only way to improve is to work at it.

Friendships came with difficulty this year. You did as well as you could, with what you knew at the time. You might be resented, and you are resentful, but remember that feelings are valid. There is only so much you can do, or take. You agree with L a bit more now: true friends can appreciate the strength of moral character to stick to one's own beliefs and self, though you do still think suppressing certain traits can't be so difficult if you value the person. Life is about balance. You met a whole bunch of wonderful new people this year like E and A, and reconnected with old friends you weren't sure you would meet again. You lost people, in the literal and metaphorical sense of the word. You will miss them, always, for the memories that you hold with them. Treasure the time you had together, make the most of the time you have with the people in your life now.

Your heart wavered this year, struggling to reconcile distance and feelings. But you made it through. Next year will be harder, with both of you so busy, but I hope you are still happy, still committed to growing a life between the two of you. I wonder where you will be - together, or still apart, or making plans. I'm excited for what your future holds, though it's still hazy when you look ahead. I hope next year you can have travelled together, at least for a short time. Remember to talk, communication is so important, you learnt and understood that lesson this year more than ever. Remember to be thankful, every day, for what you can have, and what you are given. You still don't think you really deserve it all. But...Keep going. Improve each other. This is worth it, you know that.

You had so much fun this year, despite the downs. You missed out on meeting Josh and Tyler again this year, maybe next year will be your year. You did get to meet Andrew, who was absolutely lovely and you're so thankful for that even if you were tongue-tied and didn't get to tell him what he means to you. You saw BTS! And somehow came out of it liking certain members more than before, but that seems to be the norm for you. You saw Big Bang! And despite the awfulness of the day and the people, the atmosphere and the show were incredible. You were lucky enough to see them drive away, remember that. Most importantly, you finally got to meet Beast. Though you didn't get to speak with them, those short moments are something that you will never forget. They've touched you, inspired you, helped you to find meaning and brought you so much happiness, you won't ever know how to describe it. You nearly cried, remember how seeing them, touching them, listening to them made you feel. Never forget. They helped build you into the person you are now. I hope next year, you have seen even more people and stories that make up your life.

It's strange to think that a whole year has passed again. You're in a different place now than you were back then, of course, but it's been good. Life is a journey, and you've made it this far. You can make it through whatever the future holds as well. It was a good year, in the grand scheme of things and that is what's important. It gets easier every year to reflect on what you've had and experienced, and to look at it as a learning and growing process. I hope that next year you are proud of the choices that you made and the paths that you took. I hope you did well in them. Try not to regret. Remember to try and stay optimistic. Work hard. Be happy. Remember that it's okay to change your mind. Stay passionate, stay healthy. Enjoy life as it comes, but remember to plan ahead. You will be fine. You have been this far, haven't you?

Love,
2015!self.

when i fall down it's just me and the ground

No matter how much I try to stay away, only coming back in fits and starts, things aren't actually that much easier to deal with. Things are very much one step forward, two steps back. Some days I think that I'm better. More often, perhaps, I tell myself that I am because I want, so desperately, to be. I don't even know, really, what happened that was so bad, how things got so bad, that I'm here now. (This is a lie; I know. I wish the encounter had been less hostile, but I shouldn't have been surprised. It always was my fault, anyway.)

I spend a lot of time swinging between feeling angry, and apathetic, and incredibly sad, and pretending that things are going to be all right. So. Yeah. I'm spending a lot of time kind of flailing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the fuck is actually going on.

I wish I had been strong enough back then to really tell somebody in my direct, personal life about what happened during those long months. Speaking to L helped a lot, but what good was that when I could never have more than the words on the page, could never feel her arms around me in an embrace of solidarity, reassurance that I could move on one day. (And I have, mostly.) But then again, even if I had the chance to change something, I would still make the choice not to tell. Nobody else deserves to have to shoulder this alongside me; I would rather keep them safe in their belief that these sorts of things don't happen to their friends. In the end, it was only ever on me to make my decisions. And I made all the wrong ones.

K and M, I know, suspect; G, I think, knows and blames herself. I have never heard her mention C again, and a part of me regrets that - they were close before. I want to tell her that it's not her fault, that she could no more predict what happened than I could, but how can I now? When so much time has passed and we have never spoken of it. The more time passes, the less often we speak, and the easier it is to just keep silent.

There are days when I want to cling to someone and cry. There are more days when I keep it all together in front of everyone and not let on that life can still hurt you, even after you go through so much shit. It's interesting how people rarely pick up on the false cheer, or the way it feels like my mouth is going to melt off my face, or the way that I've apparently perfected not letting on that I am constantly braced for--something. It's easy to see only what we want to see; easier still when you have no notion of how closely the darkness can hang over others. For all the empathy and sympathy we have, most of the time words are still only words until they hit someone close to you.

Even though I cry over sad things, it's the things that give me hope that make me cry the hardest. I'm making time these days to go back and sit down with A again. I need it. Apart from L, she is the only one who knows the truth about the secrets of that time. She told me recently that one day, no matter what, I would be happy again, that we would, we all would, and every day would have smiles and laughter. It's hard to remember that, most of all, but I try to believe it.

even if time were to reverse, it would still be impossible to take it back

Dear 2015!self,

Somehow you've made it this far, and now who knows where you'll be at this time next year? Taking a look back at 2013's note, you really haven't done too badly for yourself in all respects of life. You're doing well. You've been through a lot of interesting changes and experiences and current!self is still sometimes surprised by them; hopefully you're doing better by now.

You made it through your university degree! Be proud even though you know you still could have done better, but you know what? It's over. You finished, graduated (at least, you will have by the time you read this again) and you're happy with how you did. You aced that portfolio, and you survived those placements rounds. You went for your certification. Do you have a Big Kid job now? Are you fully certified? I wonder. Whatever path you've taken, I hope it's been worth it, I hope you've been happy.

Even though you didn't manage to finish either Metro or RTN this year, that's okay. Maybe one day you'll come back to them. Right now, you've got something that you're working on. I wonder if you'll have finished the main story for the UAPM!AU (as it remains tentatively titled as now) yet. Don't give up on it, you have people cheering you on. You're loving it right now, despite the difficulty, and I hope that you still do. Even if this is not a road and only a side-street, show people. It's hard to expose yourself in that way, but it'll be worth it. You've always wanted to make people feel.

You did better at talking to people this year. Remember meeting M/E/F/K/M? Even though you lost contact with them, you're proud of yourself for being brave enough to reach out like that. You reconciled your feelings about others this year, which you're glad for. It's good to know that you've matured. I think that by now you've worked out who's in your life to stay, who is most important, and who you're better off without. You cut some ties, and you don't regret it (much). You're making an effort to stay in touch with people from your past; keep that up, it's important not to forget where you came from. No matter what, don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. Other people mean it when they say it's okay; try to believe that people really mean the nice things they say. Your friends are better than you deserve.

Your heart is still going strong. Are you surprised? I know I am, a little. Happily surprised, though. It was hard, with the distances that separated you but it was good, helpful. You know yourself better now. You talked a little about the things that kept you prisoner for so long, and that helped a lot, I think. Talk more. Things won't ever get better unless you do. Pick your fights and your words wisely. Next year will have been harder, but I hope you made it through together. It's worth it. You're incredibly lucky. I wonder what plans the two of you have made now.

You didn't go to nearly as many things this year as you wanted to. Still, you loved the ones that you did go to. Tyler and Josh touched your heart in person even if you missed the signing (will you have forgiven yourself by now? Maybe you've had another chance) and B1A4 were (as expected) lovely and cute and amazing (you've even gotten over your odd Gongchan dislike!). Kina was a delight, as was Les Mis. Will you go to more musicals? There's a lot of good ones coming up that you'll love, I'm sure.

It's hard to remember to be patient, to make an effort and try, but you'll regret it later if you don't. It was a good year. It was. Even though you're afraid, I hope you ploughed on forward relentlessly. If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do it.  You had a lot of good things come your way this year. You learnt a lot and I hope you can be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, person. There's always something to work on. (Please don't have turned into a HK! I'll never forgive you!)

I wonder what you think of yourself now, reading this. Maybe you can laugh at yourself; it gets a little easier each year, doesn't it? It's nice to think that you've grown up, at least a little. Here's to hoping that you're happier, wiser, more organised, thankful for the people you have in your life and excited for what else your future holds.

Love,
2014!self.

thoughts from my 17 y/o self

don't love someone more than they love you. it will only hurt you. you will have more lights off hours than lights on. protect yourself. 

trawled back through some of my old blogs again. sometimes i wish i'd kept these thoughts closer to my heart. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up then.