The coins slip from her fingers into the slot and she punches Derek's number in. It's a long while before he picks up; she realises with a jolt it must be past 2AM for him. It's easy to imagine messy hair, half-mast eyes when his sleep roughened voice finally answers. "'lo?"
She laughs, high, nervous, edged with something unidentifiable. "I'm at a beach somewhere."
When she starts thinking he's fallen back asleep because he hasn't said anything, he says abrupt but soft, "Take care of yourself."
"Yeah." She says, because there's nothing else, and breathes until the call runs out.
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Friday, 31 January 2014
welcome to the year of the horse
祝各位幸福美满一整年 龙马精神 身体健康 笑口常开 合家平安 万事如意 新年快乐!
虽然春节到了，可我有一点心痛。。。这样来面对未来行不行？对不起。别担心吧，我一定会回到开心的心情。
虽然春节到了，可我有一点心痛。。。这样来面对未来行不行？对不起。别担心吧，我一定会回到开心的心情。
Tuesday, 28 January 2014
[x] snapshots; fight
"C'mon." Derek holds out a hand. "Let's go home."
"Yeah." After what seems an age she swipes her hand over her forehead and takes his hand.
She doesn't miss the way his eyes track the movement; the shadow in them tells her she must be smeared with blood. This is the moment that will haunt them both for years. For a split second, Lind sees herself as he must: thin and bleeding, fingernails ripped jagged; feral. He looks like he might be sick but he doesn't shake or flinch from her as he leads her away. They don't look back.
"Yeah." After what seems an age she swipes her hand over her forehead and takes his hand.
She doesn't miss the way his eyes track the movement; the shadow in them tells her she must be smeared with blood. This is the moment that will haunt them both for years. For a split second, Lind sees herself as he must: thin and bleeding, fingernails ripped jagged; feral. He looks like he might be sick but he doesn't shake or flinch from her as he leads her away. They don't look back.
Thursday, 23 January 2014
[x] snapshots; secrets
"Wanna know something," she says. It's not a question so Derek just breathes dust. Lind refuses to roll up her window when she drives.
"Emma isn't really my sister."
Emma is almost thirteen years younger than her. Derek plays dolls with her sometimes when Lind wants to smoke out the back.
Lind jerks them over to the side of the road and cuts the engine. "Mum knows this woman - Abby. It could be Abby or Abigail. She calls me Bel." There's something dark and hateful in the back of her voice when she continues. "Only my dad calls me Bel."
Saturday, 18 January 2014
tired
Recently I haven't been feeling all that well. I might just be tired (of life? of what?) despite it only being less than three weeks into the new year. I guess feeling like I am a bother and annoyance is a pretty big part of it too. I'm not entirely sure there's been a day so far this year where I haven't felt bad about something or having unnecessarily whined or complained (or both) about something and bothered other people. It's stupid because I know there are some people who care but I still feel bad, ha. I don't want to say anything because it makes other people feel bad and that just makes me feel even worse and stupid so I guess I'd rather just shut up forever. I keep trying to feel better but it only really works for like five minutes before I go back to feeling down and dumb.
Sorry.
ETA: um. happier posts soon. really. i promise.
Sorry.
ETA: um. happier posts soon. really. i promise.
Monday, 13 January 2014
[x] snapshots; thin
It's months before he notices the way her skin stretches tightly over the bones of her wrist. Her fingers, wrapped around her illegal cigarette, are almost pale, in spite of her tan.
She breathes smoke out. "What?"
Her clothes are layered and baggy; her body drowns in them, mysterious. He reaches over and touches her side, trying to feel where fabric ends and she begins.
She drops the cigarette and smacks his hand away. "Don't," she says sharply, angry. She walks away, disappearing into the crowds on the streets.
He watches the cigarette burn out. He never sees her eat.
She breathes smoke out. "What?"
Her clothes are layered and baggy; her body drowns in them, mysterious. He reaches over and touches her side, trying to feel where fabric ends and she begins.
She drops the cigarette and smacks his hand away. "Don't," she says sharply, angry. She walks away, disappearing into the crowds on the streets.
He watches the cigarette burn out. He never sees her eat.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
it's not you, it's me
Friendships have always fucked me up more than anything else. I've never thought that I would become that sort of self-involved person; I've always thought it was bullshit. I don't think I've done it in the past. But clearly I didn't feel so strongly then as I do now. Maybe that's why it didn't last, so perhaps I have been doing it wrong all along. But if it turns out that everything is a competition and this is what you sacrifice--I don't even know how to finish that. It seems so wrong in my head. I wonder whether M and G were right. I'm upset and I'm sorry.
So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?
So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?
Friday, 10 January 2014
[x] snapshots; beginnings
It's a Tuesday. She shows up with tiny plastic butterfly clips in her hair, chewing cinnamon gum and calls him Dick. Not even twenty minutes into class. Just leans right over into his personal space, jabs him in the chest and says, "If you fuck anything up, I'll end you, Dick."
His name isn't Dick, it's Derek. And if she meant it as an insult, he's offended by the implied capital letter. He's a pretty decent guy.
On Wednesday she comes to school with pigtails and speaking in Spanish. She's sort of beautiful, in a really dysfunctional kind of way.
His name isn't Dick, it's Derek. And if she meant it as an insult, he's offended by the implied capital letter. He's a pretty decent guy.
On Wednesday she comes to school with pigtails and speaking in Spanish. She's sort of beautiful, in a really dysfunctional kind of way.
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
by yourself, you'll lose sight of tomorrow
The worst part about experiencing some really terrible things from other people is how long they stick with you afterwards. It taints your outlook on humanity, even if you don't consciously think about it all the time because hey, you are surrounded with plenty of amazing people. But even just the smallest thing can set you off, can make you flashback to a different time, place, person, incident. You know it's irrational, that the person/people that you're with now aren't anything like that. You think they could never be like that. But can you know for sure?
The hardest part is telling other people about it. You count yourself lucky that you haven't had to experience the things that other people you know have. You know people who have been through worse things than you. There will always be people who are worse off than you, in all aspects of life. It doesn't negate your feelings and experiences though.
No matter what it is, these sorts of things aren't the type of things that you can just bring up in conversation. It's not easy. It might be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to say to someone else. But you'll bring yourself to do it anyway. Because it's important for them to know. Because you want them to know.
Because you trust them never to use it against you.
The hardest part is telling other people about it. You count yourself lucky that you haven't had to experience the things that other people you know have. You know people who have been through worse things than you. There will always be people who are worse off than you, in all aspects of life. It doesn't negate your feelings and experiences though.
No matter what it is, these sorts of things aren't the type of things that you can just bring up in conversation. It's not easy. It might be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to say to someone else. But you'll bring yourself to do it anyway. Because it's important for them to know. Because you want them to know.
Because you trust them never to use it against you.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
reflections on 2013 to make for a happy 2014
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.
5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.
26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.
28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*
29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.
37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう 恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame
Happy New Year ♥
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.
5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.
26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.
28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*
29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.
37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう 恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame
Happy New Year ♥
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