Recently I haven't been feeling all that well. I might just be tired (of life? of what?) despite it only being less than three weeks into the new year. I guess feeling like I am a bother and annoyance is a pretty big part of it too. I'm not entirely sure there's been a day so far this year where I haven't felt bad about something or having unnecessarily whined or complained (or both) about something and bothered other people. It's stupid because I know there are some people who care but I still feel bad, ha. I don't want to say anything because it makes other people feel bad and that just makes me feel even worse and stupid so I guess I'd rather just shut up forever. I keep trying to feel better but it only really works for like five minutes before I go back to feeling down and dumb.
Sorry.
ETA: um. happier posts soon. really. i promise.
Saturday, 18 January 2014
Monday, 13 January 2014
[x] snapshots; thin
It's months before he notices the way her skin stretches tightly over the bones of her wrist. Her fingers, wrapped around her illegal cigarette, are almost pale, in spite of her tan.
She breathes smoke out. "What?"
Her clothes are layered and baggy; her body drowns in them, mysterious. He reaches over and touches her side, trying to feel where fabric ends and she begins.
She drops the cigarette and smacks his hand away. "Don't," she says sharply, angry. She walks away, disappearing into the crowds on the streets.
He watches the cigarette burn out. He never sees her eat.
She breathes smoke out. "What?"
Her clothes are layered and baggy; her body drowns in them, mysterious. He reaches over and touches her side, trying to feel where fabric ends and she begins.
She drops the cigarette and smacks his hand away. "Don't," she says sharply, angry. She walks away, disappearing into the crowds on the streets.
He watches the cigarette burn out. He never sees her eat.
Saturday, 11 January 2014
it's not you, it's me
Friendships have always fucked me up more than anything else. I've never thought that I would become that sort of self-involved person; I've always thought it was bullshit. I don't think I've done it in the past. But clearly I didn't feel so strongly then as I do now. Maybe that's why it didn't last, so perhaps I have been doing it wrong all along. But if it turns out that everything is a competition and this is what you sacrifice--I don't even know how to finish that. It seems so wrong in my head. I wonder whether M and G were right. I'm upset and I'm sorry.
So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?
So. It's not you, it's me. That means I'm allowed to make a whiny, vaguely cryptic blog post about it, doesn't it?
Friday, 10 January 2014
[x] snapshots; beginnings
It's a Tuesday. She shows up with tiny plastic butterfly clips in her hair, chewing cinnamon gum and calls him Dick. Not even twenty minutes into class. Just leans right over into his personal space, jabs him in the chest and says, "If you fuck anything up, I'll end you, Dick."
His name isn't Dick, it's Derek. And if she meant it as an insult, he's offended by the implied capital letter. He's a pretty decent guy.
On Wednesday she comes to school with pigtails and speaking in Spanish. She's sort of beautiful, in a really dysfunctional kind of way.
His name isn't Dick, it's Derek. And if she meant it as an insult, he's offended by the implied capital letter. He's a pretty decent guy.
On Wednesday she comes to school with pigtails and speaking in Spanish. She's sort of beautiful, in a really dysfunctional kind of way.
Wednesday, 8 January 2014
by yourself, you'll lose sight of tomorrow
The worst part about experiencing some really terrible things from other people is how long they stick with you afterwards. It taints your outlook on humanity, even if you don't consciously think about it all the time because hey, you are surrounded with plenty of amazing people. But even just the smallest thing can set you off, can make you flashback to a different time, place, person, incident. You know it's irrational, that the person/people that you're with now aren't anything like that. You think they could never be like that. But can you know for sure?
The hardest part is telling other people about it. You count yourself lucky that you haven't had to experience the things that other people you know have. You know people who have been through worse things than you. There will always be people who are worse off than you, in all aspects of life. It doesn't negate your feelings and experiences though.
No matter what it is, these sorts of things aren't the type of things that you can just bring up in conversation. It's not easy. It might be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to say to someone else. But you'll bring yourself to do it anyway. Because it's important for them to know. Because you want them to know.
Because you trust them never to use it against you.
The hardest part is telling other people about it. You count yourself lucky that you haven't had to experience the things that other people you know have. You know people who have been through worse things than you. There will always be people who are worse off than you, in all aspects of life. It doesn't negate your feelings and experiences though.
No matter what it is, these sorts of things aren't the type of things that you can just bring up in conversation. It's not easy. It might be one of the most difficult things you'll ever have to say to someone else. But you'll bring yourself to do it anyway. Because it's important for them to know. Because you want them to know.
Because you trust them never to use it against you.
Saturday, 4 January 2014
reflections on 2013 to make for a happy 2014
1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.
5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.
26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.
28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*
29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.
37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう 恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame
Happy New Year ♥
Met up with M, saw LHW, made a legitimate effort to get hired, even though nobody seems to want my (occasionally) awesome self around. I guess these are all things that don't quite count. NaNoWriMo, though I didn't make the 50k. It's the effort that counts, right? I think I tried a lot of new things last year, which is nice.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't even remember what my resolutions were, if I made them at all. I guess in this year the main ones will be to do well, as always, become a better person - someone who is more comfortable and happy with who she is, and to swear less. I find myself grasping for words that aren't swear words to describe things (feelings) too often nowadays. Also because I keep finding myself doing it around people who turn to me, shocked and say, "I never expected this from you!" to which my mental response is, "You don't (fucking) know me at all, do you?"
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, for which I am so thankful.
5. What countries did you visit?
None; the opportunities came at times that could not be taken. D:
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
Chances to travel. Meeting up with the JEC, which is pretty much guaranteed. Better grades, ha. A real voice call with K, which is plausible. I think my 2013 was pretty good, though I wouldn't turn down chances at more new things this year.
7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
130409 // Leehom ; 130721 // TC ; 130926|131228 // ♥
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Not failing. Not being too afraid to take steps. Overcoming past fears.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Hmm, this is a difficult question. I need to think more about this.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Archives tell me that while I sustained no serious illnesses or injuries, I was mildly sick throughout most of the year.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
HTLHTL! Okay, no. Best purchase was probably my laptop.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
A. C. S. L. M. T. K. For shared secrets and bright laughter and glitter smiles, for sadder endings and boo fluff, for friendship angst and diversity, and for advice and shoulders to lean on and love. ♥
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for the most part. And KCJ's. And A, definitely A.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, clothes, shoes? I need to start being more practical.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
NaNo! As much as I whined about it, it was so exciting to actually be doing my best to take part this year.
16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2013?
Hey What's Up, ha. Wrecking Ball, the song that played on repeat while A, E and I basked in the heat of the fire, lulz. And, a little bit, Flash and 22.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, I think. I have a lot to be grateful for.
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter D8 Thanks to the influx of cake and ice cream in the recent month.
iii. richer or poorer? So very much poorer. Unfortunately.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Studied more. Tried harder. Spent more time with D. Kept in better touch with important people, but especially H and L. Karaoke! Fancy outings with my favourite people! Experimental baking!
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Been insecure and angry over stupid things that people do.
20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family at home.
22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Maybe.
23. How many one-night stands?
None, thank you.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
I still don't really watch TV. What I caught of Elementary was great though.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
I wouldn't say hate exactly. Dislike, certainly.
26. What was the best book you read?
The Divergent trilogy. But then, I didn't read many new books this year.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Twenty One Pilots.
28. What did you want and get?
A new laptop! More plushies. Better friendships. Love, in all its varied forms :*
29. What did you want and not get?
Better grades :(
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
I have this problem where I don't really watch movies either? Ore Ore, though. Because Kame <3
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 21! I didn't do much on the actual day, but I had a joint celebration later with my younger sister and a bunch of people who are precious to me. I don't always dislike being social, you see.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Attending the wedding would have been nice, but I don't think I really have much to complain about.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Attempted fobby cute most days. Hopelessly casual on others, because sometimes I'm just too damn lazy.
34. What kept you sane?
T. K. O. K-T. K8. AJ. M. C. A. Good fic.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Akanugu and JS. Still my favourites, no matter what they do.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The election, and everything that came after it.
37. Who did you miss?
So many people, where would I even begin?
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Who did I even meet last year? A, maybe. (Does it count that even though I've known who she was for a while, we were only really introduced last year?) ♥ It's a hard decision though; she wins maybe only because she was one of the first people I met.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
For some unfathomable reason, I've been given the best friends in the world. So, I need to keep trying.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I don't think all the things you experience in a year can be summed up with a mere few words. Here's some good advice though:
後悔しないでいこう 恥捨ててこう // let's live without regretting, cast aside your shame
Happy New Year ♥
Monday, 30 December 2013
life, beyond what lies before my eyes
Dear 2014!Wen,
So I looked back at last year's note and well, it's a bit hard to tell whether you did better this year than you did last year. Maybe your goals ended up not so great, but that's okay. You took it easier this year, and you're glad that you did. It brought less stress to your life, and you're happy with yourself. You are.
2014 will be super stressful for you. Try not to push yourself to live up to the expectations that everyone might have for you because you can't please everyone. Just do what you can for yourself. I hope you're doing well though. But if not, it's alright; it's not your fault. I hope you don't care what people think now. You're getting more comfortable with who you are. Don't lose that. I wonder how you survived the year. How did you pull off that portfolio? Teaching those kids? Are you really going to be certified? Did you manage to find a job? I don't doubt that you managed to pull it all off. I hope you are more mature, calm, critical.
Is your dream still the same? Time is precious and you won't have as much time to work on it, but I hope you haven't given up. Think about what you've promised yourself. Finish Metro, finish RTN. Put something out there, even if you have to pay for it yourself. This is what you've been doing since you were young. It's real, from your heart. Do more things for yourself, and stop expecting the worst!
Are you saving up? At the end of the year like this, are you going to visit your family again? I hope so. You miss traveling. You miss your family. You want to meet K and L and A, too. You want to see those that had such influence on your life for so long. Try to get closer to where you want to be. Learn to drive, PLEASE. PLEASE DO IT THIS YEAR. I hope you are; or I'll be upset at you for being so pitiful.
People are annoying. Friends have come and gone because you can't seem to forgive them for their mistakes. Your forgiveness has a long way to go. Don't push yourself to be nice. Do your calling out with love behind it. Remember to give people second chances. You're not perfect either. Don't forget to keep reaching out to L and T; they are so, so precious to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help either, because it's alright for you to not feel okay. Don't wait for people because you're afraid and you put on a front around them. It's okay to open up to new people too! Though you don't know them too well yet, making the first move brought you ABC and they're already special to you.
By this time next year, hopefully you'll have been with O for over a year. How is he doing? Did he successfully complete his thesis? I hope that you did what you could to be there for him, because he'll be there for you when you need it. I hope everything is going well with you two, that you stayed together and dealt with the tough times; doubtless there will be thousands of them. (I know myself, after all.) Even if you're not still together (though I do hope you are, and are making it last), that's just fine. You will be beautiful to who else comes along into your life, too.
A lot of things weren't possible for you before this year. Remember that. Though it'll be a long journey with lots of mistakes every year, it'll be worth it. You'll be proud of yourself for being able to surpass things that you couldn't before. You survived all the bad things from the past, and I hope you spent 2014 with all the good things that you brought into the year with you.
I hope 2014 is bright and productive. I hope you are able to stay healthy, hopeful, positive, determined. I hope that you make the best of 2014. I hope that you are able to go for what you want, regardless of your fears. I hope you are able to get a handle of your life and go with what comes at you.
You will be happy in 2014, because you have really amazing friends and they will love you and support you, no matter how far away from them you may be. You have inner fears, but you can't go around fearing that you're doing everything wrong. You will be fine. Act, but act wisely. I hope that as you're reading this, you feel like you've got good things coming for you.
Love, 2013!Wen.
So I looked back at last year's note and well, it's a bit hard to tell whether you did better this year than you did last year. Maybe your goals ended up not so great, but that's okay. You took it easier this year, and you're glad that you did. It brought less stress to your life, and you're happy with yourself. You are.
2014 will be super stressful for you. Try not to push yourself to live up to the expectations that everyone might have for you because you can't please everyone. Just do what you can for yourself. I hope you're doing well though. But if not, it's alright; it's not your fault. I hope you don't care what people think now. You're getting more comfortable with who you are. Don't lose that. I wonder how you survived the year. How did you pull off that portfolio? Teaching those kids? Are you really going to be certified? Did you manage to find a job? I don't doubt that you managed to pull it all off. I hope you are more mature, calm, critical.
Is your dream still the same? Time is precious and you won't have as much time to work on it, but I hope you haven't given up. Think about what you've promised yourself. Finish Metro, finish RTN. Put something out there, even if you have to pay for it yourself. This is what you've been doing since you were young. It's real, from your heart. Do more things for yourself, and stop expecting the worst!
Are you saving up? At the end of the year like this, are you going to visit your family again? I hope so. You miss traveling. You miss your family. You want to meet K and L and A, too. You want to see those that had such influence on your life for so long. Try to get closer to where you want to be. Learn to drive, PLEASE. PLEASE DO IT THIS YEAR. I hope you are; or I'll be upset at you for being so pitiful.
People are annoying. Friends have come and gone because you can't seem to forgive them for their mistakes. Your forgiveness has a long way to go. Don't push yourself to be nice. Do your calling out with love behind it. Remember to give people second chances. You're not perfect either. Don't forget to keep reaching out to L and T; they are so, so precious to you. Don't be afraid to reach out to others for help either, because it's alright for you to not feel okay. Don't wait for people because you're afraid and you put on a front around them. It's okay to open up to new people too! Though you don't know them too well yet, making the first move brought you ABC and they're already special to you.
By this time next year, hopefully you'll have been with O for over a year. How is he doing? Did he successfully complete his thesis? I hope that you did what you could to be there for him, because he'll be there for you when you need it. I hope everything is going well with you two, that you stayed together and dealt with the tough times; doubtless there will be thousands of them. (I know myself, after all.) Even if you're not still together (though I do hope you are, and are making it last), that's just fine. You will be beautiful to who else comes along into your life, too.
A lot of things weren't possible for you before this year. Remember that. Though it'll be a long journey with lots of mistakes every year, it'll be worth it. You'll be proud of yourself for being able to surpass things that you couldn't before. You survived all the bad things from the past, and I hope you spent 2014 with all the good things that you brought into the year with you.
I hope 2014 is bright and productive. I hope you are able to stay healthy, hopeful, positive, determined. I hope that you make the best of 2014. I hope that you are able to go for what you want, regardless of your fears. I hope you are able to get a handle of your life and go with what comes at you.
You will be happy in 2014, because you have really amazing friends and they will love you and support you, no matter how far away from them you may be. You have inner fears, but you can't go around fearing that you're doing everything wrong. You will be fine. Act, but act wisely. I hope that as you're reading this, you feel like you've got good things coming for you.
Love, 2013!Wen.
Sunday, 29 December 2013
freeze like this like that so that this moment will last forever
It's hard to think about depressing things like the fact that it's hard to stay in touch when you don't have a lot in common with your friends anymore, all too busy with your own lives. We learned to manage our lives without each other, and survived. Perhaps it's not the path we'd have chosen if we'd known what we do now, but maybe it was for the best. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the people who are necessary to me now won't be later. I can accept fading connections, but I hope that my affection will never fade. I hope the love I have for them will be enough to keep us close.
It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.
Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.
You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.
It feels like it's been so very long that I've known some of my friends, so long since we first made friends, so long since we've been living our lives separately. It's hard to pinpoint when we first made friends; all the years blend together, memories of when we were younger, together and apart, tied up in our own minds, naive, unaware of all the mistakes that we could make. I wonder what they think of what they know of my life now. I wonder what they see when they see me now. We've all grown and changed in so many ways that I don't recognise them, sometimes. Yet, they are still everything I once knew, just grown up. I'd like to think that we will always be willing to catch up, talk about everything and nothing, slide back into our friendships, as long as one of us makes that first step.
Maybe they're not where I imagined they'd be, not the people I thought they'd be, or that they'd thought they'd be. I'm sure they see me in this same light. I'm sure that we don't understand each other. But that's okay. As long as they understand that maybe, they can't understand how I ended up the person that I am, everything will be okay. They'll always be a part of my life, an important part of helping to shape who I am now, leaving so many marks over the years. I think the most important thing is that though we may grow up, grow apart, we don't stop caring.
You're all important to me. Good friends; people I can depend on; people I'd invite to my future wedding. I'm so thankful, so grateful to have met you all. To have made the friends that I have: glorious and wonderful, amazing and hilarious in all your different ways. Friends who are running away--who have run away--with my heart and won't return it; so good to me that I want to wrap my arms around you and not let go. True friends who have attained this sort of pedestal status in my mind because you are rare, one of a kind, unlikely to be repeated. I could never regret any. I chose--am choosing to love you, accept you, embrace you, regardless of whether I understand you now, because that's what friends do.
Monday, 23 December 2013
21 love letters
♡ 01
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.
♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.
♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.
♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.
♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.
♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.
♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.
♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.
♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.
♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.
♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.
♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.
♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.
♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.
♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.
♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.
♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?
♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.
♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.
♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.
♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.
I'm yours and I love you for who you are, for the ways that we are the same and yet different. I'll do what I can to make you proud and happy. I count myself lucky in so many ways, to not have to go through the same things that you have, but also to know you and your strength; I'm proud of you. There are very few times that I find myself irritated by you and I can't wait for the day that we come together again, this time as true friends who know each other.
♡ 02
We've drifted a fair bit, in recent months. But I think that's only to be expected, with the physical and time distances that separate us. I hope you know that no matter what happens to you, I love you, no matter what difference we may have in life or in perspective. We don't need to be in constant communication to care, but I'll always be here when you need me.
♡ 03
I love you for giving me so many memories, for helping me as a writer, for developing my sense of humor. I've told you everything I thought, good and bad, for a few years now. You listened. You talked. I listened. It'll be harder when you're far away, but I will always care. I feel incredibly myself around you, which is not true of all my friendships. I hope you feel the same way, and I hope it lasts forever.
♡ 04
You take care of me and you make me laugh; I feel so comfortable with you. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, joke with you about stupid things, trust you to guide me whenever things are difficult. To have you now makes me feel incredibly lucky. I'm so glad you're in my life, and I still hope to be whatever you need me to be. I hope that, as I grow up, as I mature, I come to truly appreciate you the way I should. Thank you for being you.
♡ 05
There are a lot of people in my life that I care for and give advice to, but somehow, you are more like a little sister than any of them. Thank you for trusting me enough to turn to me when you need someone. When you're down, remember that you're one of my most important people. I truly believe that things will get better. Let's work hard together.
♡ 06
I don't know if we'll ever be best friends, but I like you a lot. I like spending time with you. I like joking with you and teasing each other. I think we share a lot of the same interests and values, and you're a lot of fun.
♡ 07
I love your intelligence and humor and elitism. I love you for spending time with me, for letting me get to know you. Your shoes are cute, your outfits are cute, YOU are cute. You always make me smile.
♡ 08
I don't always feel comfortable around you, but I know that's because I know you have so many qualities that I wish I had. I love you for always being thoughtful and concerned and sometimes, worrying too much, but always trying to look out for me. You're definitely one of the nicest people that I know.
♡ 09
You and I have a lot of memories. We have a lot of history and influence. We have a lot of empty space between us, but I don't think it changes the fact that we're important to each other. I hope not. Thank you for being there for me.
♡ 10
We haven't talked as much this year, but I understand what life is like. I will always understand, so please never worry if time lapses into months before we catch up. I will happily listen to anecdotes about your life, or complaints, or anything, because you're - I don't know quite what you are. Good friend, practically sister, someone I trust and admire and love deeply.
♡ 11
I may not be enough, and I can't do everything, but I hope I can still do (be) something for you. You've had a lot of impact in my life, even though I think you remain largely unaware of it. You're enthusiastic and sweet and one of my favourite people. I hope we can become even closer. I'm so happy for the opportunities that you've received, even though I'll miss having you around in my every day life.
♡ 12
I don't know how many times or how many ways I can say this, but you are incredible. You're one of the people I admire most in the world because of the way you live your life: you're so intelligent and observant. You're thoughtful. You're creative. You can make something out of your life, and I will be glad to know you.
♡ 13
I love you for your hard work, for being smart and (mostly) level-headed. I think we share a lot of priorities and hopes. You will live your own life and I will live mine, but there will always be something that ties us together, and I'm grateful for that. It's this thing we call friendship.
♡ 14
I'm glad we're keeping in touch and I hope it will always be true; distance will never separate us, because I will make every effort to close those distances. You're another person I feel like I can tell almost everything, no matter how different we are (and we are quite different). I hope we will never lose this. I will not let us ever lose this.
♡ 15
I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you make me smile. I love the way you're familiar and beautiful and a reminder of some of the best times of my life. I love you for showing me what some of the most important things in life are. Thank you.
♡ 16
For all that I talk about how much I dislike you, I know you have qualities I admire. I know people like you for a reason. Hell, I like you well enough, and there are reasons for that too. I think you try (maybe not hard enough), but at least you try. Remember what's important and what's not; remember that you need to take time off and enjoy life (make memories), but remember that the priorities need to be put first.
♡ 17
I don't know how to define how I feel about you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, sometimes I feel as though I could be so easily replaced with you, sometimes I don't know what advice I can give you, but I will always listen and care. Sometimes I feel like you don't have your priorities straight, so take care of yourself, okay?
♡ 18
You're a combination of young and old for me, maybe because you're at an age where you're teetering on the edge of society's conceptions of this. You haven't had all the life experiences yet, and you don't quite get the intricacies of relationships. I don't mean to be patronising at all, because I know I'm still much the same: sheltered and "innocent" to many aspects of life. I think you have the most important priorities right, which will guide your life. Grow up, learn, be successful; you know what's important.
♡ 19
You're passionate. You care. You're a friend. Sometimes I think you're wise beyond your years, even if you don't feel the same. I love being able to talk to you about so many things. You're smart and capable and you know what you want in life. Get out there and work for it. You'll be fine.
♡ 20
I want to feel your arms around me when we hug, without the distance of virtual silence and dead air. I want more than letters shaping words that I can't hear, more than emojis that I will never see, heart shapes that stand in for real emotion. I don't think you're useless or unlovable; you're far too human for that. You've been through so much and things are so hard for you, but you're trying as much as you can. I wish I could be there to hold your hand through it all.
♡ 21
You've helped me discover so many parts of myself. You've given me reasons and reminders to love life, to love myself. You've carved such deep impressions on me. We might not always agree or get along, but you're so precious to me. I hope that one day, I can do for someone what you've done for me.
Saturday, 21 December 2013
time spent walking through memories
Since H can't make it to my birthday celebration, he took me out for sushi train last night, after which we walked to Gelato Messina for ice cream. It's been a few months since we last went out somewhere and we're not really the type to be in contact via the internet so there were more than enough things to talk about. I'm fairly certain that I spent more time complaining about things in my life than anything else, although H doesn't ever really have any advice to give. Anyway, if he minds, he's never made it obvious.
He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.
Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.
He caught me up with news of what the others that were in our class are up to now, which was really interesting. I've rarely regretting falling out of contact with everyone else because it was a natural thing; we were just all growing in far too different directions. As C put it back in 2007, 'it makes you...kinda like half friends. You're friends because you need someone to talk to in school'. I suppose the upsetting thing about that is that there's never any escaping relationships built on forced proximity.
Sometimes, I honestly wonder what H sees when he looks at me now. I wonder whether he could ever have imagined that I'd grow into the person that I am now, even be where I am now, when I am different in so many ways from the girl that he first started to get to know in 2007. There's still parts of me that slip back into who I was back then when I'm around him. Sometimes I look at him, the glimpses of his life that I'm treated to, and I'm surprised by what I see, by the directions that he tells me that he wants to take his life in. He's grown up a lot, fallen out of a lot of the things that used to scare me a little when we were younger. I'm not surprised that out of that group H is the only one in a relationship - I still can't imagine any of the others settling down - but rather, I suppose, at how stable it seems to be. I never doubted that it would be otherwise if anything ever worked out for him in recent years, but I guess it helps that he's mellowed out a lot. I'm never going to press for a meeting, but I'll admit to being super curious as to what kind of person M is.
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