trying emotions

For the stalkers who stalk (who is even reading this out there?): FUCK Y'ALL. EAT SHIT AND DIE.

I'm pretty sure that accurately sums up about 80% of my feelings over the last week. The things people have been saying to me, I already know, and they're the last things I want to be hearing. It's aggravating in the worst way, because I've (almost) never judged them in that way. Don't do it to me.

I feel like shit, physically. Please don't let me actually get sick.

A snippet of something that I've been working on recently:
Fear makes your tongue swell, damming up all your cries. She strokes your hair back off your forehead, dirt and sweat and blood matting it to your skin. You blink away the film across your eyes, stare up into eyes rimmed with red, a mix of saltwater tears and desperation. Her voice is faraway and distant, like a foghorn out at misty sea. You can't concentrate but her mouth is moving and you struggle to push the words and letters back into their places; English and French and German and Thai that you learnt the taste of before you knew the sounds. Her hands are shaking. There are thirteen bits of green in her eyes and each part is tinged with a little bit of insanity. 

NaNo's just over a month away. I need to start putting some thought into what I want to write 50,000 words of.

Real updates later, I guess.

let your hair down

There's not a lot that I love about my body, but my hair comes closest to being my vanity. It's strong, thin, fine, soft and, when at a manageable length like it has been in recent years, healthy. I trimmed and glossed my hair yesterday and while it'll most likely wear out soon, for the moment my future back-up plan is set. I can do shampoo commercials! I can scrub shampoo through my hair and swish it around and make orgasmic noises with the best of them!

T and I also made chocolate peanut butter no bake dessert last night. It's, perhaps, a little too creamy but we guessed at the amount of cream anyway, we didn't have peanut butter cups and we ran out of Oreos so we substituted grated chocolate on top, but I'm still pretty happy with the result! Today I'm seeing the KP girls for a picnic at C's house, for which I'm baking vanilla cupcakes with Ferrero Rocher and peanut butter cups in the middle. I plan for cheesecake later this week, too. I think it's pretty obvious that "healthy eating" is no longer one of my top concerns.

原谅我没有说

I bitch and moan about people in the world so often that sometimes, I tend to forget that there are really amazing people around me. Sometimes, I worry about whether they know how much I honestly appreciate everything that they do for me. Most of the time though, I fear that they think that I'm ungrateful. It should be easy to say - after all, these are words and words and words that are used on a daily basis; but sometimes they're used so much that they lose all meaning. The people around me don't rely on me for anything, and I rely on others so much that it hurts to know how weak I am on my own, and if I could only work out how to say the words, I would thank them with everything that I have. The fears that they don't know the value, the importance they represent to me can get so overwhelming. Sometimes, I think that they'll become sick of putting up with everything that I am and just walk away, and it's easy to admit that that's why I am the way I am sometimes; better to give them a reason to leave me behind. Sometimes, it's easy to tell myself I'm being stupid, think that of course they must know, or else they wouldn't smile at me like that, treat me the way that they do. Most of the time though, it's not.

dear so-called friends

If you have a problem about my being friends with certain person/s, then that's too bad. Don't question or interrogate me like I owe you anything because I'm not obligated to talk about it or defend myself or explain myself. I have my own reasons, and none of them have anything to do with whether or not you have problems with said person/s and whether or not you're happy with it. Nor am I responsible for talking to them on your behalf about whatever problem you apparently have with them. I don't like or agree with everything that they do, and I don't defend everything that they say, but that's not the point.

The point is: you are not me, and you don't have the right to question my judgement in friends. It's upsetting that you think I should be or think or react a certain way when a) you are not me, b) you don't know my motives or thoughts or wishes, and c) you don't really know all that much about me, not when it comes down to it.

I don't really want to talk about this with you because it makes me angry. I don't have the time to be involved in something this ridiculous.

I had a good day last week. Thanks for ruining that.

though time passes, it's still awkward without you here

They (whoever 'they' are) say that the good die young. Isn't it unfair how true that is?

I wonder what you'd be doing, if you'd survived and made it this far. I like to think we'd still be in contact, if you had; I like to think you would have been the reason for me to stay close with the group, too.

I was a little bit in love with you, did you know? I didn't expect to but it was one of those things that just happened over the years, the same way that waves shape mountains and winds carve canyons. There are people who are easier to be around, who you want to make the effort for. You were one of them. I think maybe it was the way you smiled, whole-hearted and genuine. It's hard not to love someone who is so inherently good.

I miss you. I don't think I'll ever stop. I don't think there's any shame in missing, in loving someone who was so beautiful.

Three years ago, remember the day.

listen up, because i'm making a statement

FUCK YOU.

We've spoken for all of two minutes, in a situation where I am clearly feeling out of place, yet you think this gives you the right to judge me as 'such a boring person'. To my face, no less.

Okay.

You can fuck right off, tyvm.

perhaps it's time you looked into personal space

Sometimes I think PDA is cute.

These moments are usually relegated to when it is in limited quantities - hand-holding or hugs or a quick kiss on the cheek or the lips. A little thing that speaks of some greater, underlying emotion. It's sweet and makes me want affection of my own.

Most of the time, I think people need to remember that not everyone around you wants to see how very close and involved the two of you are.

You might be sleeping together, but I don't care and I don't want - or need - the fact being shoved into my face by your endless groping or sloppy making-out or teasing body language. You want to come and sit down in the general area? That's fine. Making out for a good half-hour? Not so fine. If you came here to hang out, then socialise with the people around you. If you came here to make out and grope each other, go find yourselves an empty room or a bookcase or something somewhere else. I don't care where, just so long as you remove yourself from my immediate presence.

I feel like I'm being a bit hypocritical in this post, since I like to reach out and touch my friends at every given opportunity. Still, touching is not the same as blatantly sucking face.

When I come to hang out, I am very much Not Interested in being a voyeur, thanks.

august is the cruelest month

August has, since entering uni, typically heralded the beginning of the new semester and also a multitude of unpleasant feelings within me. At least I can pinpoint what it is that incites these feelings.

The weather, for one. Since it's coming to the end of Winter, the weather becomes increasingly temperamental and more often than not, I end up feeling bitterly cold and underdressed for the day. Though, let's face it, I am never appropriately dressed in Winter - my wardrobe has always been geared towards the delightfully warmer seasons. Of all the months of Winter, I feel the cold the most in August. I suppose this can be attributed towards the fact that I'm actually out of the house again on a fairly regular basis for class, as opposed to spending all of my time curled up under my blankets inside.

People, is the other main reason. Sometimes, but not always, circumstances force proximity and that proximity lends itself to an impression of closeness that does not always last. I normally try not to see my friends from uni during weekends and holidays. I see them so often during the week that it seems a waste to see them more when I have the time to catch up with those who I don't catch up with often. Perhaps this is where I'm going wrong.

I spend three months building up a certain rapport with those people around me, so I guess it's not unreasonable to see that that camaraderie has dissipated over the two months that we don't see one another. Not that it makes it hurt any less to come back and feel almost as if you're starting over again.

Things will get better; things are getting better. Sometimes, all you need to do is give things time, put in a little effort and have faith :).

all the things you never knew

My life is so much nicer when I don't go online. Life is so much nicer when I don't care about fandom, wank or otherwise. My friends in real life always make me smile, make me feel welcome. They make me laugh. They also make me want other things out of life, make me want to make something of my world out of what I have.

I met M today, for the first time. Picked her up from the station and wandered around the shops for a bit, but not too long since it was raining. We grabbed tea and afternoon dessert (mango sago pudding!) and just sat around talking until I had to drop her back off at the station. There are things, after all, that you can only say in person, despite how close you can be online.

Dinner with L on Wednesday night was wonderful, too. We shared Mexican food and then 3Q passionfruit tea and talked about a lot of things. Sometimes I can feel the age difference; most of the time, it doesn't bother me. I also picked up Cadbury and Tim Tams on the way home for packages, among other small groceries, and felt incredibly judged by the cashier.

Still, I think I'm happy. I think I am.

Maybe it's better not to think at all, just breathe and feel and take life as it is.

can't stop the music, this moment is for you tonight

Karaoke is honestly one of my favourite pastimes, regardless of what kind of group I'm going with. This is, though, still somewhat dependent on whether the group allows me to do all the songs that I want. Even if I don't though, I still enjoy seeing everyone else have fun with whatever songs they've inputted. Seeing people not care about pitch or tone and just have fun always makes me smile.

The group I was with on Thursday (H, S, D, T, J, E) isn't a group of people that I'd normally hang out with, but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. T, especially, I hadn't seen in a long time so it was good to be able to talk and bitch with her again. Maybe it's because I don't normally tend to have so much drama in my life that what happens to others seems much more monumental. It was interesting to hear about how much had occurred in their lives over dinner (hot pot and barbeque).

It's worth making more of an effort in the future, I think. There's a certain freedom with them that I don't necessarily feel with other groups. It's a good feeling.

I also stayed over at T's on Tuesday night. We hung out in the city for a few hours, just sitting around and taking up space. We also managed to leave just before rush hour, and proceeded to be those obnoxious young people that others are always glaring at and wishing they would just get off the train already. Truth be told though, it was probably me more than T though; it usually is. Something about being around her brings out the part of me that is happy to shamelessly play ridiculous songs for us to listen to and sing along to out loud.

Her mother, in an unnecessary attempt to impress me, made us lasagne for dinner. I say unnecessary because this really isn't the first time I've stayed over, and I already love her parents; they're hilarious. We also baked brownies! Out of a packet mix, because whenever we're there, we are far too lazy to do things from scratch. Last time we made brownies we added Cherry Ripe but we added Malteasers instead this time. The only real problem we had was with making the icing/frosting from scratch. That...is not really something I want to do again. I'm not really sure what we managed to do, but we ended up having to freeze it, and then melt it again to pour it over the brownies before letting everything sit in the fridge. We spent the rest of the night and the next day doing stupid things - checking SNS and watching videos of various things - and talking about life things; all of which involved a lot of anger and swearing and loudness and generally just having a terribly good time.

I suppose T is the closest thing I have to a "best friend", though I'm not fond of using that label. It is, after all, not the label that makes it true.