even if time were to reverse, it would still be impossible to take it back

Dear 2015!self,

Somehow you've made it this far, and now who knows where you'll be at this time next year? Taking a look back at 2013's note, you really haven't done too badly for yourself in all respects of life. You're doing well. You've been through a lot of interesting changes and experiences and current!self is still sometimes surprised by them; hopefully you're doing better by now.

You made it through your university degree! Be proud even though you know you still could have done better, but you know what? It's over. You finished, graduated (at least, you will have by the time you read this again) and you're happy with how you did. You aced that portfolio, and you survived those placements rounds. You went for your certification. Do you have a Big Kid job now? Are you fully certified? I wonder. Whatever path you've taken, I hope it's been worth it, I hope you've been happy.

Even though you didn't manage to finish either Metro or RTN this year, that's okay. Maybe one day you'll come back to them. Right now, you've got something that you're working on. I wonder if you'll have finished the main story for the UAPM!AU (as it remains tentatively titled as now) yet. Don't give up on it, you have people cheering you on. You're loving it right now, despite the difficulty, and I hope that you still do. Even if this is not a road and only a side-street, show people. It's hard to expose yourself in that way, but it'll be worth it. You've always wanted to make people feel.

You did better at talking to people this year. Remember meeting M/E/F/K/M? Even though you lost contact with them, you're proud of yourself for being brave enough to reach out like that. You reconciled your feelings about others this year, which you're glad for. It's good to know that you've matured. I think that by now you've worked out who's in your life to stay, who is most important, and who you're better off without. You cut some ties, and you don't regret it (much). You're making an effort to stay in touch with people from your past; keep that up, it's important not to forget where you came from. No matter what, don't be afraid to reach out when you need it. Other people mean it when they say it's okay; try to believe that people really mean the nice things they say. Your friends are better than you deserve.

Your heart is still going strong. Are you surprised? I know I am, a little. Happily surprised, though. It was hard, with the distances that separated you but it was good, helpful. You know yourself better now. You talked a little about the things that kept you prisoner for so long, and that helped a lot, I think. Talk more. Things won't ever get better unless you do. Pick your fights and your words wisely. Next year will have been harder, but I hope you made it through together. It's worth it. You're incredibly lucky. I wonder what plans the two of you have made now.

You didn't go to nearly as many things this year as you wanted to. Still, you loved the ones that you did go to. Tyler and Josh touched your heart in person even if you missed the signing (will you have forgiven yourself by now? Maybe you've had another chance) and B1A4 were (as expected) lovely and cute and amazing (you've even gotten over your odd Gongchan dislike!). Kina was a delight, as was Les Mis. Will you go to more musicals? There's a lot of good ones coming up that you'll love, I'm sure.

It's hard to remember to be patient, to make an effort and try, but you'll regret it later if you don't. It was a good year. It was. Even though you're afraid, I hope you ploughed on forward relentlessly. If you put your mind to it and work hard, you can do it.  You had a lot of good things come your way this year. You learnt a lot and I hope you can be a better daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, person. There's always something to work on. (Please don't have turned into a HK! I'll never forgive you!)

I wonder what you think of yourself now, reading this. Maybe you can laugh at yourself; it gets a little easier each year, doesn't it? It's nice to think that you've grown up, at least a little. Here's to hoping that you're happier, wiser, more organised, thankful for the people you have in your life and excited for what else your future holds.

Love,
2014!self.

thoughts from my 17 y/o self

don't love someone more than they love you. it will only hurt you. you will have more lights off hours than lights on. protect yourself. 

trawled back through some of my old blogs again. sometimes i wish i'd kept these thoughts closer to my heart. maybe i wouldn't be so fucked up then. 

SPACE PIRATES

That is all.

I don't know the exact details of how yet, but I'll get there. Hopefully.

losing sleep for days, is this just a phase?

You feel guilty a lot. You're not anywhere near the best friend, even when you do happen to be at your best. You think that you can't blame others for sliding you back down the scale to 'friend', 'acquaintance', for being irate with you. You're sorry for it, for withdrawing; though what does that matter when you don't--won't say it to their face. You want to be better, but--

You don't like to talk. You like to think about what you're going to say before you say it (which doesn't always necessarily work out, but you like to Try) because you want to be able to say what you mean, and because there's Too Much inside your head. It's hard to keep track of all the things you need to do and to say without letting anything else irrelevant spill out. You can't risk it. You need to keep yourself to yourself, because your mind is Too Much, Too Big, for an outlet that is as small as your mouth, as the words you let scrawl across the page. You can't let anyone else know what horribly beautiful (or is it beautifully horrible?) things are locked inside your mind. 

There's something that shouldn't be messed with, and that thing is your mind. Really, you don't want to be crazy. You've heard it before - you're a little different (or what others call 'special' when they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying what they really mean). You're a little bit risky, a little bit scary, a lot not enough. You've always wished you could be brave enough to be what you admire in others. 

You're an introvert, you know. Perhaps you're just simply not built for interaction. People like you don't function with society. 

results of life

Somehow, regardless of whether there is structure dictating what I must do every day or whether I can enjoy every day as I wish, I am really bad at updating. It's not as though there haven't been things to talk about, but I haven't really been in the mind for blogging these past few months, as must have become obvious. Part of this is that I haven't been in the best state of health - in various interpretations of the word - which isn't exactly conducive to blogging. Writing, in any form, takes more energy than one would think - physically, mentally, emotionally. Or maybe I just care, far too much, about how I sound to the rest of you? There is, also, the fact that there is a lot in my life that I don't feel comfortable about sharing on a publicly accessible space and sometimes needing to edit posts so that I can keep those of you who enjoy reading about my life here informed, is incredibly stressful.

I think this post has been a while in coming, and it's really not a post that I wanted to be making when I first started publicly blogging again. But well, here it is all the same:

HIATUS.

I don't know how long I will be gone for, though I suspect it will be for quite some time. I need to work through my own life. I will be back though.

you say things with your mouth

I've been blown off by pretty much every person I've tried to make plans with in the last few days - week. This ranges from helping to organise plans and then being cut out of the plans or people forgetting about confirming with me, to something as simple as last minute issues. The latter I can understand, provided that you, as the party who can't make it, offer another suitable time once the issue is dealt with/over/whatever. But apparently even this is beyond (most of) the people that I know and, quite frankly, I'm wondering why I am still friends with you.

I'm fucking sick of making an effort and being made to feel as though I am unimportant, as though you don't have any time to spare for me. So, fuck you, and you, and you, and all of you.

These are not the kind of posts I want to be making, but well, there have been more bad days than good, so let me have this.

before you know it i'm lost at sea

I think that one of the hardest things to stop doing is overthinking, and I sometimes feel as though this is my biggest...problem? It seems to me that what makes it difficult to halt or prevent is the fact that thinking is, most of the time, not a conscious act. I catch myself overthinking things, situations, people, far too often, and even though I can recognise it, it isn't so easy as to just tell yourself to 'stop overthinking'. For me, that sparks a whole new set of questions: why am I overthinking this? Is it really such a big deal? Why does this upset/insert emotion of choice me? Maybe I should just get over myself? But why should I have to 'get over myself'? My feelings are still valid, even if they are irrational...

And so, you've become, once again,  lost in the torrential outpourings of your own mind.

Sometimes though, I wonder if C was right, when he told me those few years ago (though it feels like its been far longer since I was free of him) that my propensity for thinking, using qualifiers, and being too emotional made me difficult to talk to and get along with. Sometimes, looking at myself and my interactions with others objectively, I fear that he was right.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.