that's how i endured and came this far

one. i wonder what you see when you look at me now. when i look at you, i'm always amazed at how far you've come. we're always losing touch, but you seem like you have everything together and i wish you nothing but success.

two. the thing i admire most is your constant positivity and your unashamedness at being yourself. there are times when you're the only one who understands so i'm always grateful to have you around.

three. sometimes it's funny to think about how much you've grown since we first met. sometimes it's funny to think about how little you've grown. either way, thank you for being there for me in your own way, for showing me new things and always responding when i cry for help, and for trying your best.

four. even though we are so different now, living our own lives, i will always think of you fondly. when we do come back together, there's always nothing but love. here's to hoping that one day we will meet again. 

five. even though we haven't mended the gap that the years built between us, i'm so glad that we reconnected this year. you don't realise how much you miss until it's back. i truly hope that things get better for you. 

six. you always find a way to make me smile. i've always felt as though i can come to you about anything, big or small, serious or silly. 

seven. you exhaust me, but i'm thankful that we have things that we can share with each other, that we can talk about over and over again. you've showed me in different ways how much you care, even when i can't reciprocate. 

eight. you've (hard) carried me through all the difficult times. i know that i've not always been at my best, but you've always been there to support me. i'll do my best to make you proud. 

nine. you honestly seem like you're living your best life right now, and i'm so happy for you. i'm glad that we can still understand one another. 

ten. i hope you know that you'll always be special to me. thank you for your patience with me and for being by my side for as long as you were. thank you for loving me even when i didn't love myself. 

eleven. nobody promised that it was going to be easy, but i'm so proud of you for pushing through. i miss the days when we were closer, but i'll always be here for you if you need it. 

twelve. as time goes on, we're becoming more and more different, but i think that it's okay because the important things will remain. at the end of it, you're one of my favourites, even if i don't always understand you. 

thirteen. bfsfal. thank you for being in my life, for always holding my hand and being my cheerleader. there are so many memories between us. i hope you get everything that you wish for, because you deserve it all. 

fourteen. thank you for always making an effort and knowing that i'm not the best at being the first. i'm glad we're both still holding on and keeping this friendship alive because i love the person that you are growing into. 

fifteen. though i might question your thoughts and opinions a lot, they're always valid, and i'm proud that you're becoming someone strong enough to stand up and stick to what you believe. thank you for being the person for others that you wish you could have had for yourself. 

this night that came again

The irritating thing about A is that she keeps trying to get me to talk about what happened with C, like this all stems back to those hellish eight months I endured six? years ago. And while maybe she has a point because I know that the entire situation fucked with my perceptions and ability to trust myself and set boundaries and ruined relationships, it's not all about the things that C inflicted on me and made me think. Years before we even met, it's always been me and my fucked up brain doing stupid shit and wanting everything to stop.

Some days I don't know if I even want to get better. How fucked up is that?

feedback loops of bruises coloured blue

-35

the worst day in a while.

even worse than the day that you slipped up and ripped yourself open. even that was only a -20. you were so tired then but you stopped yourself and got rid of them after that first one.

you thought you were doing better but don't fool yourself.

a always says that this game of tallying up points for events is unhealthy. honestly, she's right. especially since you're hiding in a fucking bathroom to type this all out. can you even make it to tuesday without ruining everything.

you're just a fuck up. you always have been and you're kind of always a bitch. nobody wants to be friends with you, honestly.

you're a mess.

normal people don't act, don't react, like that.

you're never going to get close to anyone. everything you try is too little too late. there's honestly no point in even trying anything.

it's fucking ridiculous to feel like shit and like you're not worth anything at all when just a few days ago you were telling a that your week was an eight. why can't you figure out how to not be a disappointment to everyone you know.

there's an empty space in your drawer at home. it should scare you, how easily the thought of wanting those instruments back slides into your mind. you don't need to be here, burdening everyone you ever cared about and taking up space by existing.

maybe if you wait long enough everyone will forget you and be all the better for it.

and where he ended up no one knew

The picture of you in my mind is hazy. There are so many little details that I've forgotten: your height against mine, the exact shape of your smile, the spikes of your hair, the cadence of your voice and the tones of your laughter, the gestures you would make.

But there are some things that aren't so easy to forget. Some things that time can't blur from memory.

It's easy to remember you. A wonderful person with a good heart who welcomed so many of us into a home when we didn't know we needed it, who inspired us to enjoy life.

Forever eighteen, so brilliantly alive and vibrant.

Is it unfair of me to say this? It must be infinitely harder for the others. But even so...

Seven years has gone so fast. I've lived more of my life without you than I did with you.

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

don't waste your time on me

Things I'm apparently really good at: fucking up and giving myself a fuckton of emotional pain.

I don't have the time or the energy for this, but it still hurts to think about the way that you abandoned me. It shouldn't because this is all so fucking stupid, and if that was the road that you wanted to take then I'm better off, right? But it hurts because even though I would never force that on you, when it comes right down to it, I wanted you to be on my side.

I fucking miss you. Do you even care?

and many countless days later

i spoke to V on Sunday night for the first time in three? years. honestly, i wasn't really sure if we'd ever come back to each other especially since we haven't met often. but she's been there for me through... a lot of things. a lot of years.

i've been thinking a lot since then. the guilt and resentment weighs, thick and heavy and cloying. everyone was so worried. they tried to help but they couldn't understand.

there was a time where i didn't have the words to talk about myself. where i didn't understand myself. where i was more anxiety than myself. more scared of myself than anything else.

a time where the only thing i knew to do was to either lash out or hide it.

sometimes it's easy to touch and just imagine. what if, once more, would it help?

the scars may have faded but i know they were there.

there was (is?) a time where that was the only thing that helped.

seasons come and seasons go

I haven't thought about REC in so long really, even though I have photos up in my room, but when P said that some of the videos were online, so many things suddenly came rushing back.

Thursday and Sunday practises. Spending holiday breaks painting. Chicken shop chips and milk bar chocolate and Yumba juice. The times that I skinned my knee while B carried me from F block to the gym. Watching T light an entire box of matches on fire. 5AM wake ups for 6AM bus rides. L coming in to help out. Having first rehearsal and being the hidden performance. So much time for hair and make up, being teased, ribbons bobby-pinned, "My face is cracking off". Costume hunting. Lollipops and snacks galore. Freaking out over dead batteries for lights. Tetris and Space Invaders. C and M having a size argument over a tiny pair of shorts. A simultaneous sense of superiority and camaraderie. "10 points if you close on H." A cannon in canon. Being taped so tightly it felt like circulation was being cut off. Sets in sheds. Sitting in car parks. Competitions and S crowd surfing. "Do we get changed side-stage or behind stage?" Icicles and grass packs. Follow The Leader and conga lines. Newspaper weddings. The dunce cap. K having a meltdown and everyone being lectured by M, and K coming back and I'm sorry, you guys are awesome. Astro Boy and elephants. "That's such a Rocka move."

The nerves and the screaming until our throats were hoarse because we, just like everyone else, wanted, so badly.

So many memories that I can't believe I ever forgot.

And always, always, One More Time.

is it this way or that way?

if you have a complex it's because everyone keeps leaving.

the name calling and violence and rejection may have dulled but it's not so easy to forget.

you still remember.

you know the truth.

nobody can know just how deeply personal your self-loathing is.

whether it's sweat or tears

i can't sleep but what else is new?
why do i keep coming back?
why can't i just leave?
it goes around and around and i'm the one who looks a fool
please just let me breathe

my steps go nowhere i scratched it from my memory

Is it you who changed
Or is it I who changed
...
We’re the ones who’ve changed I guess
Everyone is like that I guess

Vacant room in my memory
This lunatic night swallows me 

i don't know when things suddenly started tumbling down and no matter how much i look for something it doesn't work 

i keep going back to trying to believe that YNWA but why burden others when they have their own lives to deal with 

things are still so much one step forward two steps back that is it really that happiness is too rare too lofty a goal 

a lot of times i'm not sure if i can achieve it or hold on to it 

if i am happy now it must be fleeting

i'm so scared i can't breathe that it kills me inside that i wish it would just end 

while i'm running alone on tracks in a place that's been left the call of the void becomes increasingly inviting

if i ever knew i've long since forgotten