losing sleep for days, is this just a phase?

You feel guilty a lot. You're not anywhere near the best friend, even when you do happen to be at your best. You think that you can't blame others for sliding you back down the scale to 'friend', 'acquaintance', for being irate with you. You're sorry for it, for withdrawing; though what does that matter when you don't--won't say it to their face. You want to be better, but--

You don't like to talk. You like to think about what you're going to say before you say it (which doesn't always necessarily work out, but you like to Try) because you want to be able to say what you mean, and because there's Too Much inside your head. It's hard to keep track of all the things you need to do and to say without letting anything else irrelevant spill out. You can't risk it. You need to keep yourself to yourself, because your mind is Too Much, Too Big, for an outlet that is as small as your mouth, as the words you let scrawl across the page. You can't let anyone else know what horribly beautiful (or is it beautifully horrible?) things are locked inside your mind. 

There's something that shouldn't be messed with, and that thing is your mind. Really, you don't want to be crazy. You've heard it before - you're a little different (or what others call 'special' when they don't want to hurt your feelings by saying what they really mean). You're a little bit risky, a little bit scary, a lot not enough. You've always wished you could be brave enough to be what you admire in others. 

You're an introvert, you know. Perhaps you're just simply not built for interaction. People like you don't function with society. 

results of life

Somehow, regardless of whether there is structure dictating what I must do every day or whether I can enjoy every day as I wish, I am really bad at updating. It's not as though there haven't been things to talk about, but I haven't really been in the mind for blogging these past few months, as must have become obvious. Part of this is that I haven't been in the best state of health - in various interpretations of the word - which isn't exactly conducive to blogging. Writing, in any form, takes more energy than one would think - physically, mentally, emotionally. Or maybe I just care, far too much, about how I sound to the rest of you? There is, also, the fact that there is a lot in my life that I don't feel comfortable about sharing on a publicly accessible space and sometimes needing to edit posts so that I can keep those of you who enjoy reading about my life here informed, is incredibly stressful.

I think this post has been a while in coming, and it's really not a post that I wanted to be making when I first started publicly blogging again. But well, here it is all the same:

HIATUS.

I don't know how long I will be gone for, though I suspect it will be for quite some time. I need to work through my own life. I will be back though.

you say things with your mouth

I've been blown off by pretty much every person I've tried to make plans with in the last few days - week. This ranges from helping to organise plans and then being cut out of the plans or people forgetting about confirming with me, to something as simple as last minute issues. The latter I can understand, provided that you, as the party who can't make it, offer another suitable time once the issue is dealt with/over/whatever. But apparently even this is beyond (most of) the people that I know and, quite frankly, I'm wondering why I am still friends with you.

I'm fucking sick of making an effort and being made to feel as though I am unimportant, as though you don't have any time to spare for me. So, fuck you, and you, and you, and all of you.

These are not the kind of posts I want to be making, but well, there have been more bad days than good, so let me have this.

before you know it i'm lost at sea

I think that one of the hardest things to stop doing is overthinking, and I sometimes feel as though this is my biggest...problem? It seems to me that what makes it difficult to halt or prevent is the fact that thinking is, most of the time, not a conscious act. I catch myself overthinking things, situations, people, far too often, and even though I can recognise it, it isn't so easy as to just tell yourself to 'stop overthinking'. For me, that sparks a whole new set of questions: why am I overthinking this? Is it really such a big deal? Why does this upset/insert emotion of choice me? Maybe I should just get over myself? But why should I have to 'get over myself'? My feelings are still valid, even if they are irrational...

And so, you've become, once again,  lost in the torrential outpourings of your own mind.

Sometimes though, I wonder if C was right, when he told me those few years ago (though it feels like its been far longer since I was free of him) that my propensity for thinking, using qualifiers, and being too emotional made me difficult to talk to and get along with. Sometimes, looking at myself and my interactions with others objectively, I fear that he was right.

i start to part two halves of my heart in the dark

It's hard to feel like you're the only one being left behind. It's even harder to feel like nobody else even realises that they're leaving you behind.

I knew even before this year began that things would be hard. That I would be busy, that other people would be busy, that we would have to struggle to maintain at least some level of contact. It'll be okay, we said to each other. We'll work it out. We can't not. Because I can't imagine a life where we're not this close to one another. But sometimes now, it's like I'm the only one trying. It's as though, some time when I wasn't looking,  when I was too caught up in trying to make it through the every day, you moved on. Found something else, someone else. And they've filled up all the spaces that used to be me, filled up all the space and distance and everything between us and now. Now, do you even remember what we used to be? What I still want us to be. Do you even still want the same thing? Do you even still feel the same way? Would you even recognise me now?

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not enough. Like I should have done more, made more opportunities for myself. It hurts to look at everyone else and know that they're going somewhere, doing something.

K and A and B and C have new work opportunities. O and M and V will be traveling before they settle down in their own dream jobs. M and S and K are all traveling because they can. C and T and S and A and L are enjoying all the perks of being on exchange. C and F are getting married. W and E are engaged. I don't remember when I last spoke to E, or N, or S, or G, all of whom used to--still are so close to my heart, even though I am (likely) not in theirs.

What am I doing?

even if your voice comes back again, maybe there'll be no one listening

I'm pretty annoyed that people can just let things go without pressing. I don't think you should be doing it all the time, but I think that sometimes you should know that you have to guide the other person into talking. Some things aren't so easy to begin a conversation about.

I don't know if I've ever really learnt to take what I want. For so long, it's been a matter of taking out of necessity, acting dutifully and responsibly. For all that I can talk about being selfish because nobody else will be selfish for you, there's a large part of me that thinks that I don't deserve to have this. And I wonder if you're ever aware of how much I can hold back because I'm afraid of bothering you, inconveniencing you; because you most definitely have more important things to do than listen to me.

But.

Sometimes, I don't want you to believe me when I tell you it's okay, I'm alright, don't worry about it. Sometimes, I want you to be patient, to wait until I find the right words to say. Sometimes, I want you to tell me that it's okay if it doesn't make sense, that you just want to hear it.

Maybe I'm just being unreasonable. These walls have been built so high that I can't expect you to see me behind them, after all.

I'll find my words when there's no one talking / The room is spinning, I have got no choice / Be patient, I am getting to the point. 

In this city where even tear drops freeze apart / I'll be there to hold your hand from now on / I will be there by your side from now on 

I'm still drafting up a post about how my first week of placements have been. It'll come, in time. If not here, then elsewhere. 

전쟁이야

Today's post title has not much to do with the content, really. Sometimes I don't feel obligated to be deep or meaningful or anything. I should really be asleep right now, though. I taught my first real class of the year today, which didn't go too terribly, but which could definitely be done better. I'll post more about that at the end of the week (hopefully), by which time I'll have done the overwhelming number of two real lessons, ha. For different classes though, so it'll be interesting to compare the experiences. I might lock those though, just to be safe. You never know what can happen. Either way, they're going to have to get used to me - there's another 3 and a half weeks to get through. I intend on seeing this out regardless of what happens; failure is not an option.

My sleep is increasingly erratic and difficult recently, which is sort of a major problem but not one that I'm sure how to go about fixing. There's also the problem of what to do after hours - curse this place for being so small. I'm going to have to come up with something, soon.

In the particularly trying moments (by which I largely mean the moments where I'm struggling not to yawn or fall asleep in front of people) I think about these things:
- Maybe I should've gone to King's Cross Station and ran at a wall instead. You know which one.
- Why couldn't I win the lottery.
- Probably I should've learnt to understand the fascination with AFL.
- I feel almost like all that time I spend enamoured with cheesy Asian pop music was a waste because now what do I talk about with normal people?
- Maybe I should have gone and hung around gentlemen's clubs so that somebody rich would marry me, like we've been joking about for all these years.
- Probably telling everyone about my internet best friends wasn't the best idea.
- Why didn't I choose to go skydiving instead. Without a parachute.

Except that last one hits way too close to home and--yeah. Let's not joke about that or go there anymore.

On a lighter note and on the musical front: I'm back in love with AA. Mostly because Ageha Dance came up on shuffle for the first time since I first downloaded the mini, and well. (Also because RAINBOW HAIR *__*) The thing is that no matter what else I like to listen to, I will always be a pop girl at heart. (Because I'm Crazy will always be my favourite AA song though because look at Queen Woosang dance.) 

If there was ever a point to this post, I've forgotten what it was.

cos i'm dreaming that i'm sinking again

it ain't easy you know, to leave the darkness behind

I feel sick every time I start working towards what's coming. There are too many things I still don't know, and not enough time to even begin to start learning. I shouldn't be so afraid, not when I knew this was what I was signing up for. But I am, and I was equally-but-probably-more terrified by it back then. I guess I thought that in the time leading up to it, I would learn to be okay. I'm not really sure why I thought that, not when even in the months leading up to that decision I was still bursting into tears in front of my class at having to stand up there. I've never been confident in any ability. 

Even just thinking about what I need to do makes my stomach constrict, makes me feel lightheaded, nausea creeping up in my throat and tears clouding my vision. 

At this point, it's basically just the fear of stopping that's keeping me going. There are ways to deal with just about anything. It's easier to not allow yourself to think beyond the next day, the next hour, the next minute, if that's what it takes. (It does.) Things will be okay. (But it's always hardest to believe.) 

Something else is that I'm tired. Tired of never having enough time for anything. For myself, for doing the things that I want or need to do, for seeing and spending time with the people that I want to see. I know that part of it is because this semester is structured so oddly, and I know that things will get better eventually, but it doesn't change how I feel. And I know that in these weeks to come, I'm just going to be more and more tired. Truth be told, I don't know if I'll be able to make it through without breaking down. I don't know if I can go for so long without a reprieve, without-- I'm a touch-dominant person, you know? And no matter what you can say to me, or how much I can tell myself that I believe it, believe you, these words are empty without the tangibility of you by my side. I need to be able to parcel away time where I can see you, take the time to remember who I am. 

I wish that I didn't feel like I'm falling apart in the first place. But I also wish that people wouldn't just believe me when I say I'm fine. This isn't to say that I want people doubting me all the time, or to think that I'm incapable of handling my own life, but when I think you know that I'm not going alright or that I'm lying to you and you don't make an effort, it hurts. More than it originally does. But nor do I want to be the type of person who is always falling on others; sometimes, it's felt as though they're secretly thinking, judging, wishing that I would just get over it (get over myself). 

I've never wanted to be needy, I've always wanted to be better than that, to be the type who is needed. But the fact remains that I am and I always have been not needed but needy. I'm sorry. 

다칠 준비가 돼 있어

알고 또 빠진 난 다칠 준비가 돼 있어

또 떠나가는 널 바라보며 울고 있어

I need therapy, lalalalala therapy

Feels like a pretty accurate summary of my life and feelings right now. I'm also getting on this VIXX thing years late, I already know, shut up. But no, I refuse to learn anything about them. NO. YOU CAN'T SUCK ME IN THAT FAR.

ETA; Back when they first debuted and basically nobody knew about them, I'd already decided that I liked Hyuk, based on this one stupid clip (ugh I'm still screaming at how qt he is) that E (laughs bitterly at how we used to be 'friends') linked on Twitter. I'm...sort of regretting that choice because IT SEEMS LIKE HE DOES ALMOST NOTHING? EVER? (Not that I know anything anyway though.)

it's not enough to say that i miss you

Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'

The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.

Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.

Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.

Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.

Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.

I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.

Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.


ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them.