Sometimes I think about things that I know will upset me. It's not so much of a problem most of the time because usually these are things that I know are really pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things, or I know I'm just being ridiculous/petty/insert other choice of words here. I feel fine complaining about these sorts of things to uninvolved parties because I can qualify them at the end by saying, 'but I'm just being dumb, right?'
The rest of the time, there are these other poisonous thoughts that insidiously creep through the back of all my other thoughts. It's hard to talk about them because of the fear that the responses will only confirm the fear. Or that even when they're favourable, it's out of a sense of obligation. I shouldn't need these same reassurances. Knowing why it is that I'll always(?) think this way, react this way, doesn't make it any better either.
Having you so far away makes it hard for me to talk about these things now. Sometimes I worry about whether keeping these things inside will change me so irreversibly that when you return to me you won't recognise who I am anymore.
Loaded phrases are also a problem and I'm always a little bit afraid to say them to people personally because of that. If the other party says it back it can sound like an obligatory, throwaway reply. Don't say it and you can sound like a jerk who just doesn't care as much.
Phrases like 'I miss you' and 'I love you'.
Sometimes it feels like society throws them around so often that they've lost the depth of meaning that they once held. I hesitate in saying them because I think they don't do justice to how I feel; they don't aptly demonstrate how deeply you have entrenched yourself into my heart. But they're still the best that I have, for now. So.
I miss you and I love you. And you, and you, and you.
Do you feel the same way? I hope you do.
ETA: I actually went back and looked at the last post I made before today, and well. I made an awkward promise of backlogs which I clearly didn't fulfill. I apologise, but those will probably never be forthcoming, if any of you were still waiting on them.
Sunday, 13 April 2014
frustration
the word of the past however many days its been since i last posted here is, as the title implies, frustration. im starting to think that it would be better if i didnt try at all. it might look/sound/feel better for a short while but unfailingly it reverts back anyway. it doesnt make a difference after all. and hope still remains the most treacherous thing do you know?
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지
perplexing or disjointed as this post may seem, there is a point. even if im the only one who can discern it.
너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지
Sunday, 16 March 2014
i do not have writer's block, my writer just hates the clock
It will not let me sleep / I'll get some sleep when I'm dead / And sometimes death seems better than the migraine in my head
I think I've forgotten how to blog. But then, did I ever really know how? In this generation, there are short attention spans galore... How do you make a blog post interesting? Perhaps I am just not so clever. Anyway, backlogs soon for those of you who still linger around here, I promise.
I think I've forgotten how to blog. But then, did I ever really know how? In this generation, there are short attention spans galore... How do you make a blog post interesting? Perhaps I am just not so clever. Anyway, backlogs soon for those of you who still linger around here, I promise.
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
taking baby steps
It's hard to remember that we're all getting older sometimes. We celebrate birthdays, congratulate people on making it through another year of their life, but we never really feel all that much different because we're really only just one day older than we were yesterday, though our numerical age has increased.
I feel particularly young at times. Not normally, even though a part of my mind is conscious that I'm still considered the 'baby' amongst those I see the most often, but especially lately. Now I'm taking classes with people, working in pairs and groups with people who are anywhere from months to years to perhaps even decades older than I am. The discussions, viewpoints, abilities that we have make me feel my age more than I normally do. Why do I find it so difficult to become closer with these people who are older? I'm sure they have advice to give me, just as I do for them. Perhaps because, on the inside, I'm still ridiculously immature. Which is not to say that being younger in age automatically makes you immature, let's be clear about that.
On the other hand, in the past year and the few years to come, there's been that steady influx of posts from people who are graduating high school, or coming into their VCE and trying to make their decisions about what to do. These are posts that range in tone, but as the year progresses, I'm certain that there will be ever more posts in relation to 'the end of an era'. These posts make me feel my age, too, because these are people that I do often consider my equals (even if not in all areas of life), but it's easy to forget that they can be significantly younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until these posts make me remember that I left high school five years ago. Not last year, or the year before, but five years ago. It's a pretty significant amount of time, especially when I look back at how naive, reckless, carefree I was back then. I've grown, but I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, immature.
Last week, I accompanied my mother to an appointment with an eye specialist. I've known for a while that her eyesight was slowly going, but it's hard to be shown the visuals and be told that it's 'damaged' and probably 'irreparable'. It's hard to realise that my parents are getting old. Oh, I've always known it, of course, but it's never been a conscious thought that they're getting not simply older, but old. They struggle, are tired all the time, have all these health concerns, how they were surprised by their own ages this year. I can see that they, my mother especially, hates it all a bit. And it's shaming to not be more capable, in life, of taking care of myself, taking care of them. To be unable to be more adult, more grown-up.
But I'm trying a little bit at a time. There's still a long way to go.
I feel particularly young at times. Not normally, even though a part of my mind is conscious that I'm still considered the 'baby' amongst those I see the most often, but especially lately. Now I'm taking classes with people, working in pairs and groups with people who are anywhere from months to years to perhaps even decades older than I am. The discussions, viewpoints, abilities that we have make me feel my age more than I normally do. Why do I find it so difficult to become closer with these people who are older? I'm sure they have advice to give me, just as I do for them. Perhaps because, on the inside, I'm still ridiculously immature. Which is not to say that being younger in age automatically makes you immature, let's be clear about that.
On the other hand, in the past year and the few years to come, there's been that steady influx of posts from people who are graduating high school, or coming into their VCE and trying to make their decisions about what to do. These are posts that range in tone, but as the year progresses, I'm certain that there will be ever more posts in relation to 'the end of an era'. These posts make me feel my age, too, because these are people that I do often consider my equals (even if not in all areas of life), but it's easy to forget that they can be significantly younger. Most of the time it doesn't bother me, until these posts make me remember that I left high school five years ago. Not last year, or the year before, but five years ago. It's a pretty significant amount of time, especially when I look back at how naive, reckless, carefree I was back then. I've grown, but I still feel incredibly young, inexperienced, irresponsible, immature.
Last week, I accompanied my mother to an appointment with an eye specialist. I've known for a while that her eyesight was slowly going, but it's hard to be shown the visuals and be told that it's 'damaged' and probably 'irreparable'. It's hard to realise that my parents are getting old. Oh, I've always known it, of course, but it's never been a conscious thought that they're getting not simply older, but old. They struggle, are tired all the time, have all these health concerns, how they were surprised by their own ages this year. I can see that they, my mother especially, hates it all a bit. And it's shaming to not be more capable, in life, of taking care of myself, taking care of them. To be unable to be more adult, more grown-up.
But I'm trying a little bit at a time. There's still a long way to go.
Tuesday, 25 February 2014
don't try to hide, no need to lie
V and I haven't really spoken properly in about eight months or so. We used to be incredibly close but she moved away from Twitter, and even if I saw her on Skype, her name was always accompanied by the bright red sign of someone who was Busy and had Things To Do. I never wanted to feel like I was bothering her which is why it sort of came as a surprise the other day when I logged on and found a message waiting for me, asking if I was free on x date/time to video with her. I was, of course, because mostly my life revolves around activities that involve screaming on the internet and not on things in the outside world.
So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.
The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong.
It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.
Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have.
So we Skyped, and had the lovely sort of conversation where you both catch up on each other's lives and talk about nothing at all at the same time. But at one point, she brought up how I come off as very nonchalant, perhaps even lackadaisical (her words) a lot of the time when it comes to school and the future. It's not the first time I've heard that kind of comment, and it kind of pulled me up short. I think it might be to do with my indecisiveness, but I do also think that I tend to try and project that sort of image at the same time. I want people to think that I can be so casual, so 随便 (as other V and J once put it) about these things because I am a capable, accomplished person. I don't want them seeing that I (like so many others, I know, I know) am struggling to hang on, that it is the fear of stopping that drives me onwards to finish. This isn't necessarily how they interpret it, but it's the way that I imagine they do.
The people who do know me know all too well how I need people to hold my hand through everything, how I can simultaneously tell someone not to worry about what I'm doing and cry to someone else about how I will never, ever be good enough, that I will never be enough for anyone. They know that I take pride in the fact that I'm keeping up despite being still younger than the rest of my cohort (because I do believe, to an extent, that age is not just a number) - as though it proves any assumptions they make that I am young and flighty from looking at me and seeing the way that I like cute clothes, the way that I'll always be passionate about cheesy Asian pop music, the way that I act silly, the way that I whine, wrong.
It's easy to tell yourself not to validate yourself according to other people, that you are worth something and have accomplishments to be proud of, but it is not always so easy to carry out.
Also to note, dinnered with CCX on Friday night past at Le Citta on Degraves, complete with homemade chocolate from C, then met up with tlist on the Saturday for F4's birthday lunch at Kokoro Ramen and then for White Night. Brunched with D on Tuesday in the city, then went to touch all the people at O Week. Friends are good to have.
Wednesday, 19 February 2014
[x] sweet
Lind prefers lollipops. Derek learns this the first time that he accompanies her and Emma to the park. She likes to slip them into her mouth, sucking until her tongue is stained with bright, artificial colours. Then she sticks it out at whoever's around and Emma shrieks with delighted laughter and pulls at her sleeves, her jacket until she relents and digs into the secret stash in her pockets. She's never without them, and always willing to give them away to children at the park because for all her abrasive tones and cutting jibes at school, she's sweet. Like candy.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
the run and go
- Sealife Aquarium ; Tackier than I remembered it being since that time I went with K, M and C, but I still had fun! Stingrays the best, so cute *O* Ice cream at Crown and then dinner at The Merrywell.
- Dentist ; apparently I haven't made much progress, but it was expected to be slow anyway. It's hard to be patient though when you want instant results. Next appointment is in May.
- The Book Thief ; Ahhh, I'd been so excited for this since the making was announced because I'd read the book before and really enjoyed it. I thought the movie adaption was pretty great, although that might have been because of the acting rather than anything else.
- Richmond Lunar New Year Festival ; Met up with O, X and H and wandered the stalls for a few hours, getting sunburnt in the process, before heading over to Docklands to visit C at work. Ice cream at the Smith St Grocer, and then dinner, of a sort, with X, O and C at Easy Cafe. A quick visit to Maxim's, and then Gong Cha, and sitting around MC just talking.
- House sitting for C ; PUPPIES OuO Cuddles them forever. Pepi will forever be my baby, so small and fluffy wwwwww
- Dinner with SAMA people ; Oriental Spoon and then The Lab for ice cream, though I didn't have any. It just isn't that good to me.
- The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ; I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't yet seen it (why haven't you, what are you doing?!) but suffice to say that I still enjoyed it more than the first part, even with the unnecessary parts that weren't true to the book. Ugh, Tauriel.
- Picnic ; where I met up with some of my lovely tlist friends who I haven't seen in quite a while, and met some new ones too, accompanied by cake and snacks, dip and ice cream and peppero and other foods. B also gifted me with a copy of Kusabi <3
- 47 Ronin ; in which A and I shrieked over Jin's every appearance, commented about the stupidity contained within, got told to "Shut the fuck up!", and V found her JJ&E lookalikes, and we were all thoroughly confused by why it took them so long to make such a mediocre film.
- 4 months ; Apple pie ! On my own... hA
- Lunch with H ; noodles and dumplings and then hanging out and complaining and just generally catching up at the park :3
- Kitchen Workshop ; Thanks to F&Co. Somehow we ended up wrangling free entry. The fare was decent
- CNY ; explored the stalls around Crown after dinner, watched some noodle making and scored a ton of packets of free sauces. Had F&Co. over for 年夜饭, and then again (minus E) for 鱼(余)生. Baked a banana Mars Bar cake. Yum cha at Shark Fin House. Hot pot for dinner for 元宵节. Altogether a pretty good new year period.
- Lunch with S ; dumplings and jjajangmyeon at HGG, and then bubble tea at Chatime
- Skype dates with T and K <33333
- L's birthday ; Yum Cha at Gold Leaf Docklands and then got G to drive me home
- T17 - The Remix Redux ; I can't wait until this is over. I didn't think it'd be so draining when I volunteered and everything started off. Still, I'm satisfied with how we've done, considering all the issues we've faced.
- Thrifting ; picked up some new pairs of shoes, dresses and books, yay.
- Dad, WJ and Mum's birthdays in the span of a week ; Three different cakes and dinners at home :3
- Valentine's Day ; Skype date <3 Also went for a walk with Mum and T in the afternoon to pick up V and almost got hit by a car on the way back, which was completely not our fault. A sign that I should stay indoors, I believe.
- Facetime ; mostly Mum wanted to wish my aunt and uncle happy new year, and then my sister and I chatted with my cousins for a bit. It was a little frustrating but good nonetheless.
I shall attempt to blog more frequently, but I suspect that things may slow even further since uni starts again soon. On top of that, I think education placements run through most of April and the beginning of May, so I'll probably be too tired every day from dealing with and teaching teenagers to talk about what I'm doing. I'll try to keep note of everything that happens though. I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of their holidays.
- Dentist ; apparently I haven't made much progress, but it was expected to be slow anyway. It's hard to be patient though when you want instant results. Next appointment is in May.
- The Book Thief ; Ahhh, I'd been so excited for this since the making was announced because I'd read the book before and really enjoyed it. I thought the movie adaption was pretty great, although that might have been because of the acting rather than anything else.
- Richmond Lunar New Year Festival ; Met up with O, X and H and wandered the stalls for a few hours, getting sunburnt in the process, before heading over to Docklands to visit C at work. Ice cream at the Smith St Grocer, and then dinner, of a sort, with X, O and C at Easy Cafe. A quick visit to Maxim's, and then Gong Cha, and sitting around MC just talking.
- House sitting for C ; PUPPIES OuO Cuddles them forever. Pepi will forever be my baby, so small and fluffy wwwwww
- Dinner with SAMA people ; Oriental Spoon and then The Lab for ice cream, though I didn't have any. It just isn't that good to me.
- The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug ; I won't spoil for anyone who hasn't yet seen it (why haven't you, what are you doing?!) but suffice to say that I still enjoyed it more than the first part, even with the unnecessary parts that weren't true to the book. Ugh, Tauriel.
- Picnic ; where I met up with some of my lovely tlist friends who I haven't seen in quite a while, and met some new ones too, accompanied by cake and snacks, dip and ice cream and peppero and other foods. B also gifted me with a copy of Kusabi <3
- 47 Ronin ; in which A and I shrieked over Jin's every appearance, commented about the stupidity contained within, got told to "Shut the fuck up!", and V found her JJ&E lookalikes, and we were all thoroughly confused by why it took them so long to make such a mediocre film.
- 4 months ; Apple pie ! On my own... hA
- Lunch with H ; noodles and dumplings and then hanging out and complaining and just generally catching up at the park :3
- Kitchen Workshop ; Thanks to F&Co. Somehow we ended up wrangling free entry. The fare was decent
- CNY ; explored the stalls around Crown after dinner, watched some noodle making and scored a ton of packets of free sauces. Had F&Co. over for 年夜饭, and then again (minus E) for 鱼(余)生. Baked a banana Mars Bar cake. Yum cha at Shark Fin House. Hot pot for dinner for 元宵节. Altogether a pretty good new year period.
- Lunch with S ; dumplings and jjajangmyeon at HGG, and then bubble tea at Chatime
- Skype dates with T and K <33333
- L's birthday ; Yum Cha at Gold Leaf Docklands and then got G to drive me home
- T17 - The Remix Redux ; I can't wait until this is over. I didn't think it'd be so draining when I volunteered and everything started off. Still, I'm satisfied with how we've done, considering all the issues we've faced.
- Thrifting ; picked up some new pairs of shoes, dresses and books, yay.
- Dad, WJ and Mum's birthdays in the span of a week ; Three different cakes and dinners at home :3
- Valentine's Day ; Skype date <3 Also went for a walk with Mum and T in the afternoon to pick up V and almost got hit by a car on the way back, which was completely not our fault. A sign that I should stay indoors, I believe.
- Facetime ; mostly Mum wanted to wish my aunt and uncle happy new year, and then my sister and I chatted with my cousins for a bit. It was a little frustrating but good nonetheless.
I shall attempt to blog more frequently, but I suspect that things may slow even further since uni starts again soon. On top of that, I think education placements run through most of April and the beginning of May, so I'll probably be too tired every day from dealing with and teaching teenagers to talk about what I'm doing. I'll try to keep note of everything that happens though. I hope everyone is thoroughly enjoying the last few weeks of their holidays.
Friday, 14 February 2014
trace that silver line
Happy Valentine's Day, self; here, have a whole ton of emotional pain :-)
Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend.
Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.
I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are.
I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose.
星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.
Today I went on Facebook to go see what my former best friends are doing now that all three of them have ditched me and we are all running in completely different friendship circles. They seem to be entirely happy, which didn't really surprise me. I don't really want to wish them anything bad because I loved them a lot back then but... Well, I'm not all that mature in the end so I keep myself happy by thinking about all the aspects of them that are awful or could use improvement, and the fact that at least two of them will turn out to be complete messes in the future judging by the directions that their lives seem to be going in. But I guess I should probably be happy that they all got what they wanted in the end, even if they did have to dump me to get to that happiness. It wouldn't hurt to say "Hi, how are you?", would it? Though I'm not sure if there is anything left that we could possibly mend.
Anyway, somehow or other I ended up back at one of my old semi-private blogs from high school this morning and read a few months worth of posts. It was my habit, back then, to constantly be linking to things without explanation of why it was relevant. So most of them are now rendered unlinkable, as is the way of the internet, and the ones that remain are a complete mystery to me. (One of the things that I fear now is that, in years to come, when I look back here I won't remember who all the people I talked about were.) A lot of things came crashing back though. Reach events and girls' breakfast; Sunday KFC runs; Playtime at Highpoint; Twins; First Aid camp; co-meets with 17th; S breaking her arms; the first time R and I really talked; Queens Park outings; after school fish&chips or HJ's; tobacco store ice cream; Myer couches always and purikura for all time.
I'm not sure I'm proud of, that I like, the person that I was then. I didn't know what I was talking about though - I was so young. I wonder if in the future I will look back here and feel the same way. I hope not. I hope that I've grown up; but perhaps I haven't, or at least, not as much as I'd like. But you know, life goes on and we grow and learn, about ourselves and what we want, and who we are.
I don't want to be sappy here today. But I didn't intend on this post turning out this way either. I'm not really unhappy, despite everything I've talked about, more nostalgic, I suppose.
星愿：I hope you can help me grow into someone I like, not just now, but in two or three years, too.
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
falling like that
I've been pretty abysmal at updating here recently. In my defense, the past few weeks have been pretty busy with various things, whether it be outings, or the New Year period, or family related events. I've been unwell for the last few days too, which hasn't really contributed anything towards my desires to catch myself up. I keep finding myself staring at the draft posts I have saved here (12, thus far) and wondering if ever I'll have the energy to finish writing them up and post them. Probably not, since the details of that which I wanted to post about have become quite hazy in my mind.
Ahh, hopefully I'll do better once I've recovered. It should be soon, I think. Mum did some 刮痧 on my neck, shoulders and back last night, which should help. The vainer, shallower side of me cries about how going out will be difficult until the marks of it fade, considering it seems like the heat isn't going to abate too much any time soon; or at least, it would be difficult, if I had anyone I was going to see (I don't). I'll do a round up of the last month at the end of the week, but don't expect any kind of detail there.
I hope everyone (Who is even reading this? Nobody ever tells me) is feeling better and having a more enjoyable holiday than I have been recently. If you're out in any of the fire danger areas, do be careful and keep safe. Possessions mean nothing when compared with your life.
Ahh, hopefully I'll do better once I've recovered. It should be soon, I think. Mum did some 刮痧 on my neck, shoulders and back last night, which should help. The vainer, shallower side of me cries about how going out will be difficult until the marks of it fade, considering it seems like the heat isn't going to abate too much any time soon; or at least, it would be difficult, if I had anyone I was going to see (I don't). I'll do a round up of the last month at the end of the week, but don't expect any kind of detail there.
I hope everyone (Who is even reading this? Nobody ever tells me) is feeling better and having a more enjoyable holiday than I have been recently. If you're out in any of the fire danger areas, do be careful and keep safe. Possessions mean nothing when compared with your life.
Tuesday, 11 February 2014
[x] snapshots; silence
He's taking the shortcut through the park home when he sees her. Her eyes are closed, one earbud in, her fingers tapping. He's curious so he sits down, slipping the other earbud in. Nothing. She cracks an eye at him, smirking. She tugs the cord from her pocket, unattached to anything; her fingers tap to a beat that only she can hear. He likes that so he stays, listening to nothing. When the sun disappears, she takes it back from him and stands. He watches a little girl detach herself from the playground, skipping over to take her hand and leave.
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